Thank You
Thank you....
I have spent the past hour or so laying in my bed thinking. Reading a little of the big book and talking to my old best friend in Tennessee who, when he lived here was my biggest and most understanding friend I've ever had. He moved because of a girl. He moved before I really started drinking but we've remained friends for the past 3 years on the phone. He's coming up here next month to stay with me for a few days. He says he's going to not allow me to drink and to "fix that problem of mine" hehe....I need people like him in my life. I would trust my life to him if he wanted me to. He gave me hope. You people give me hope, and you are right. I shouldn't give up just because of one indecent person. I am aware maybe I shouldn't go on about when I fail and I will not anymore. I understand that it could be making it difficult for others reading about how I failed, maybe making them want to fail. If I do fail again, which...let's pray I don't. I will not write alot about it and reserve that for my diary, ok? I am sorry if I hindered anyone else's recovery and I will try to stay on track with only writing when I have a real concern about something aa related. Otherwise, I will talk to my friend in Tennessee or hit a meeting or talk to my b/f about problems that don't directly deal with AA. Thank you again marilyn. I know there are people who like to read what I write and that helps too. I am 100X more honest and show everything I'm feeling on the boards. It's a 180 from in person, trust me. I'm very quiet but outgoing. If that makes sence. I have an outer shell that is very friendly and always smiling. But underneath it, my mood does not always match. I find it difficult to tell people how I really feel sometimes because it's so much easier to hide and agree. I've lived my entire life this way, it's a necessity to make it in my families household. Therefore, to break it is to almost become a different person. I think this is the part of aa I haven't really worked. I've been working so hard on just not drinking, I sometimes forget that it is more than that. It is a lifestyle change. I need to let the old me go and try to learn to open up more. Even if I never really change hiding my feelings, I hope I can open up enough at meetings to get what I feel out and get some help. That's what I need to do now before I fail again, always hiding my true feelings inside myself.