Thanks again all.
It is now 10:38 my time, I am just kinda in a calm right now. I am just so very tired. My body and my mind are drained to the point of being numb. I had a very strange experience today and I would like to share it with all of you now.
This afternoon, I went to see my doctor, with the stress I have had in my life for several months now, my seizure and anxiety medication has been closely monitored, when something out of my norm. happens, I see my doc. immediately to discuss possible temporary changes that could be needed to help me through. Of course, he has known about the fight with Kurts illness from the day we found out. So today he wanted me in his office. I went. We talked about things and we decided that I will get through this without further medication. I will continue to take my regular meds, but I turned down anything stronger. As crazy as it may sound, I want to feel the pain come Friday which is when we will bury him. I dont want to float through it in an altered state. I NEED to for myself and for Kurt. My doc. was a bit surprised but understood and said he would leave a prescription for xanax at the office just in case......I will not be picking it up.
I left there in what has been my usual state today, numb........In my van, driving along.....I was talking to Kurt. I was asking him to please look over me and help me stay strong on Friday. My phone beeped out of the clear blue....letting me know I missed a call and had a voicemail. I checked it. It was left on Friday, 2 days before he died, it was Kurt. Very weak voiced but clear as a bell. He was calling me to "check in" and he told me he loved me. I dont know why it took so long for it to come through, I dont care. I just got tears in my eyes and smiled. To me, it was a sign from him letting me know that indeed he is there and always will be in spirit. I saved that voicemail. I will always have it with me. he is my angel. I wish I could call him or run up to the house and hug him, these are things I am going to have to learn to handle. But having his voice and knowing he is there means the world.
Liss