Hi lynnmarie
I spoke with my therapist yesterday and it seems she thinks I need some more time off of work. I'm really thankful to have her in my life. She is protecting me from myself in a way, because I was ready to push myself into going back before I am ready. I have a tendency to neglect my deep needs, without noticing.
I felt pretty anxious when I woke up today, took me about three hours to get calm. I don't know why, but the surreal/brain fog feeling seems to be more intense in the mornings. I've read so many variations online about how long it takes people to get totally out of the "fog". For some people it takes months, I hope thats not the case with me, for others it takes a few weeks. I felt really clear on Friday night into Saturday afternoon, but then I felt foggy again until this evening. It's strange that it comes and goes. I don't really understand that.
I also have been dreaming again, for the first time in YEARS. I'm actually pretty happy about this because I used to be fascinated by dreams. My dreams have all been pretty negative, but I think my mind is going through a major clean out.
I realize that a lot of the symptoms I am having are withdrawal, but I also have ptsd and anxiety that I was self medicating. I had some kind of a trauma freakout that was unleashed by getting really high. Although, I've been super high before, so not sure why this happened now. I'll have to find that out in therapy. I actually hid my weed smoking from my therapist for about two years, but I finally told her after the freakout. I was protecting my habit from her, I didn't want to give it up, so I concealed it.
I threw away some old pipes yesterday and refrigerated my stash. I hid it way in the back of a drawer in the fridge. I figured I will keep it for when my friend comes from out of town, and let him smoke it. Although, I can't seem to part with my bong or vape. I buried them in a closet, so I can't see them. I just don't feel ready for that yet. It feels SO HUGE to get rid of them. In some ways I wish they were completely gone, but I feel such dread when I think of not having access if I ever wanted it again, like for a special occasion or something. Strangely, I haven't really been having cravings, I think because I was so freaked out for days, that it is unappealing. But it makes me feel so sad when I think of never getting stoned again, at the same time I'm terrified of ever feeling like this again. This must be the AV you mentioned, talking...because I realize how nuts this sounds.