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terrible depression

Old 04-07-2006, 12:56 PM
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Unhappy terrible depression

I dont think Ive ever been so depressed or my using so bad. I can only fight it off with at least 6 tramadol and 10mg of valium...that gives me a few hours to work...before long i need more and MORE to keep the darkness back. its not really the problem with my skin cancer thing, thats supposed to be curable, but it the fact that I feel so ashamed of my self, I cant hold my head up any more.I bring no money into the household and thats such a strain on my partner who has health problems of his own(high blood pressure - im going to be a great help arent I) My photographs terrify and digust me, I cant keep images of rape and suicide drug and child abuse out of them.I do it with dolls.They really frighten me.Im not suicidal I dont want to die I just want to be a happy useful member of society. But weare in a terrible trap in the UK - the minute we go for help either psychiatric or for drug abuse thats IT. No credit,no jobs, no life assurance, you becomepersona non grata. Im really not using this as an excuse -its true. We dont have privacy laws like you guys in the US.The bank,employers,lenders they can all demand your medical records. I just feel doing this would give invalid staus for the rest of my life.


I dont even want to stop. Drugs give me the only peace I can get lately.I used all my adult life since 12 years old.I just seem to need more and more lately. and in 20 years of addiction I nevergotten into that trap before, I always used to know when to cut down,pull back.

I KNOW that only I have the answers, that none of you can do more than pray for me in this difficult time.But i needed to put this down.These feelings have been going onfor a couple of weeks maybe. I know im doing the cardinal sin of piting myself but right now I just feel such a low nasty crawly thing.Im soory for the depressing post.
love clanc
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Old 04-07-2006, 01:01 PM
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(((((((( Clancy))))) you post touches me deeply

I am s sorry you are going through this, and I am at loss to offer any advice, but know that you are in my prayers, and that we love you and are here for you , dear friend

HUGE HUGX

Lee
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Old 04-07-2006, 01:07 PM
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Hi Clanc,

So sorry that you're feeling so down. I understand your perdicament with the lack of privacy laws in the U.K. But, if I were you and feeling as low as you do, I'd go for the help. Worry about the fallout later, but for now, try to get the help you need to feel better. You need to get help and to stop using and you need to believe that the rest will take care of itself.

As for needing more and more and feeling like that's getting out of control - Clanc, that's what happens. We think we can control things, but we can't. Addiction always progresses unless you stop it.

I am absolutely sending you love and hugs and prayers!
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Old 04-07-2006, 01:11 PM
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(((((((( Clancy)))))

Have you tried meetings? Since you can not do a therapist, meetings would be of great help to you. They have helped so many people. People with so many differnt problems. Not just alcohol, drugs, there are all kinds of meetings, and all sorts of support out there..

I will pray for you.

Prayers,
Becky
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Old 04-07-2006, 01:38 PM
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Mate, Ive tried meetings, but in my area they were a bit lame and I was a bit snotty about them,all that chanting and stuff.Im always wary of cult mentalities.But right about now I think the time is right to give it another go. Maybe there will be some women there now, I mean God knows my town is bursting at the seams with junkies.

But they say you have to WANT to stop,right now all I want to is use and use and use.I cant bear it when I feel my feet start to touch the ground.Its like the ground is painful and I cant look at the sun unless I have my junkie glasses on.What Will become of me.Its unknowable (but fairly predictable) but I know I have to change my mindset fundamentally.I need to find something to fill that huge hole that the abscence of drugs would leave in me.I find religion difficult,because im just so sceptical Ive studied philosophy (that did me a dubious favour)and now i look at religious or cult movement in a very disectional sort of way. I try to surrender to God....but I just dont believe, it dosent make logical sense to me.My mind is a curse sometimes.I think Buddhism is the closest I'll get..so I'll check that out some more.It does kind of make sense to me and apeal to the way I think (far too deeply) iam a prisoner of my mind, when I was a childI would torture myself (not in an intellectual way,but in a way of utter terror) thinking about concepts like infinity.I used to sleep walk and have night terrors but then they(my carers) started giving paedosed which Had valium in it, and i discovered codeine linctus (over the counter here straight and deadly and beautiful)
Anyway im rambling,it helps to journal like this.I will work my way out of this one.Thank you all my loving sisters for your support.xx
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Old 04-07-2006, 02:51 PM
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Ok Clancy,
I feel for you. The depression sounds a bit out of control and that is not good. I can also understand the fear of getting treatment.

Now, let me tell you this. I though NA was a cult when I first got clean. all the robotic chanting and cliche's. Well, I finally figured out that my brain needed a good cleaning. And if NA Was going to brainwash me, so be it. It had to be better than the mental masturbation I would put myself through. So, Get your a$$ to a meeting and keep an open mind. It's not cult like chanting, it's just that everyone wants to welcome you.

(((((((((clancy)))))))))
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Old 04-07-2006, 02:58 PM
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I'm not understanding your statements with regard to dolls and photographs, etc but reading it frightens me. I wish I lived closer to you so that I could help you in person, but since I'm all the way in the US, all I can do is send you cyberhugs and prayers.

I hope you consider taking a walk or doing some sort of exercise as opposed to taking more Rx drugs. That had been proven to help ease folks out of depression. Also, getting some type of part time little job, to keep you occupied and build your self esteem seems to be in order. Even if you take a job as a clerk in a small store, or stocking shelves, etc., you will feel so much better about yourself. Is a part-time job not a feasibility for you?
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Old 04-07-2006, 03:18 PM
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Im a full time first year undergraduate at university reading professional photographic imaging, so im immersed in an art school environment.Nobody does depression or drugs like art students! I honestly have so much work to do ,they just dont give a minute to draw breath let alone work.There are a couple of kids who work but they miss half their lectures and sleep through the rest.Its an infamously demanding course and I so want to suceed and get my BA. Anyway Ihope that explains the dolls thing! gosh that must have sounded so mad! I kind of find it theraputic to put the dolls thru things ive been thru and then make nasty sick images which seems to excite my tutors greatly and horrify everyone else.I guess its a release valve.

Im very good at meditating, walking, cycling,doing yoga,tai chi...whatever as longs as ive got my little protective bubble to live in (drugs) I guess Ikind of feel it stops the full horrors of the worldaffect me,whilstletting the beauty through. I had it under control for the longest time! from 12-32! now suddenley I seem to have lost the end of the balloon stream and to coin a phrase 'The Drugs Dont Work' all of a sudden. Like,help!
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Old 04-07-2006, 03:30 PM
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im kind of feeling betterfor having written it all down. In the summerbreak im hoping to get some work on a english language paper in Delhi.In India its sooooo different you can sweet talk your way into getting jobs covering festivals or weddings.Obviously the Pay is terrible but its fun and great experience.Oh and They Have NA there too! Its nearly all travellers.My partner is a journalistso we can getwork on the same jobs.I guess im lucky and have bunches to look forward too really.I just sink into these kind of manholes of despair sometimes.Im feeling better now.Thanks for all you love and kindness and patience.Send ing love back a y'all.
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Old 04-07-2006, 04:01 PM
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(((((((clancy)))))))) Huge and prayers coming your way.....please take care of you.... ameeting could really help....try it if ya can........hate to see you suffer so...I really do.

((((warmest Hugs))) xoxoxoxxo
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Old 04-08-2006, 05:32 AM
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Clancy you are so close to my heart I am sending you positive happy thoughts I hope they reach you.......I wish I could do more and I understand it does come down to you......know that I am here too.

Love and hugs little sister
Annie
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Old 04-08-2006, 07:00 AM
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Hi Clancy.

I'm Sharon and I'm an Alcoholic.

I read ur post and the ones that followed with good advice. We all have our own experiences to share with u to guide u along the way. I do feel the pain ur in. Images that u describe of the past still haunt u. Is that right? Abuse, suicide, rape? Im not too clear either as to what u r trying to share with us. Shame, i know about shame. Things that i did when under the influence, that i had no control of. At the time it seemed like fun to do them. I think my shame formed when i was a child. Any and eveything i did which i know was right, was really wrong in my moms eyes. I paid for it with every belt whip, bruise, black eye, busted lip, emotional and physical abuse for her own sickness inflicked on me. Then to be pushed into the public eye and threatened to not say a word to anyone of it. I lied, hid with fear, scared, just wanted to die each time i had to explain my appearance or my behavior. Esp. to my friends. And to think they thought i was just weird. I didnt ask for any of that. Anyway...im rambling. When I began drinking it was to numb the feelings and pain i endured as a child. It was to help me cope day to day. But really it was hurting me. Killing me slowly. This little child of God was in sooo much pain. As time went on alcohol stopped working for me. It felt like this incredible power had a hold on me and as much as i wanted to stop it, i couldn't. At least not on my own, because i tried countless times. I was POWERLESS OVER EVERYTHING. MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE. After a horrible accident and a unsucessful attempt to end my miserable life, my family stepped in and did for me what i couldnt do for myself. I was sent to rehab to find out if i was crazy or if i had a drinking problem. Well, alcohol was the culprit. That in itself was enough to drive me insane. I spent 28 days in treatment thus recieving the tools of recovery to help me learn and live each day sober one day at a time. There are many out there that can stand before u and say they were literally plucked from the gates of hell and set free with help and guidance from their Higher Power and people in these rooms. They r shining examples of how this program works. Going back to something u posted....as to being ashamed at not helping with the finaces in ur family. That is where i am today. I was a stay at home mom for 16 yrs till my kids began to drive. They r now in college and i have a little part time job working at a grocery store bagging and carrying out for customers. My little job selfishly pays for my foolishness. I know i should be contributing but my constant buying holds me captive. Maybe one day i will give up this compulsion. But let me share that my little job over all is rewarding to me. I have been there 5 yrs and love my customers. Everyday i would show up bright and cheerful, all made up, lip stick and jewley in my uniform...thinking this is how i want my customers to see me . Then last week they cut my few hrs at minimum wage and thus decided to go in looking like i felt....pist off. Well, to my surprise, my smile out shined any lipstick i would wear or peice of jewelry. I guess people looked beyond that stuff and saw me for who i really was. : ) Anyway....after 14 yrs sober, i finally addressed my chemical embalance. I worked my program to the best of my ability for all those yrs and still felt anxious and low keyed. So i went in and got the knowlede and help needed to address my problem. That did make a world of difference in how i was feeling. Today life is a little more managable. Hang in there Clancy. I have heard too that many in NA do go to AA. Ive never been to an NA meeting before but the open meetings in AA do allow all types in recovery. Just sitting there to listen to the words...taking what u want and leaving the rest....u r bond to pick up something helpful. When all else fails....there is One Who has all Power...That One is God of ur understanding. Or ur Higher Power.

Thanks for letting me share.
xxx
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Old 04-08-2006, 07:33 AM
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I dont really feel ready to talk about my childhood and adolescent experiences yet as when I even try I just begin to relive them and hate myself.Its the very worst feeling in the world to hate yourself.Im not even clear about some of it.I lived in a drug fug since I was 12.Im starting to explore pieces of memories and stuff through my photographs( im at photo school) but the photos scare and horrify me.I dont know what im trying to say.When ever Ive dared to show anyone theres just silence, and I have to rush my robin images out in a hurry...yawn.

Anyway stuff doesnt get any better does it...today I had a letter from my dermatologist saying she wants to operate again on my arm(i had a melanoma- too much beach bumming) she said that they completely removed it and there was a healthy margin of cells around the lesion so WHY do they want to disfigure my poor arm more? I just dont trust them.I so scared and confused.I want something nice to happen.
I will try a meeting again just to keep you guys quiet! Thing last time i went it was 3 jailbirds(on a forced order) and moi. I was expecting lots of nice normal women and lots of california style hugging and support. My towns a bit rough,and palmbeach it aint. That was a while back and things may have changed.I wouldnt feel comfortable at AA -i dont touch alcohol, im strictly a chemical gurl...and I live a chemical world(sorry thats a song isnt it?) Id just feel awkward I couldnt say 'I an alcoholic' cos,wellim not, and if I say 'im chemically dependant'...well..there all gonna look at me arent thay? Im just so bloody terrified of the change thats the truth.Ilike to have order.Right I wanna feel calm ,pop a bluey.Wanna feel happy? pop a E. For ages it worked.I think maybe the freaky stuff wth my arm is affecting me more than I realise...it all started to go pear shaped about with the using. Dang.Life. Kind of like a long day at the office in it? sometimes I think I'll be glad whenits home time, I need a rest!
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Old 04-08-2006, 10:01 AM
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Hi Clancy, Sharon here again. Reliving the past isn't easy. Im wondering for myself if i havent gone thru my past well enough to feel free today. There must be some issues for myself that i need to face in order to go on happy in life. But i wonder what it is. I mean i ive forgiven my mom for the hurt she inflicted on me. Child abuse is horrible. I always think of the many many little ones out there that are being abused. Starved, beaten, locked up, treated like animals. NO CHILD should ever have to indure such pain and misery. Anyway....Things do get better. I have to believe that because i see and hear that in meetings. When people come up to share their stories whether it be their drug or alcohol of choice, (it's all chemicals) u hear how desperate their lives had become, they hit their lowest of lows, not being able to help themselves at all, and yet Something or Someone has open the door to them to give them HOPE. There is just too many people in recovery that have been a shining example of how recovery or staying clean and sober works. I soooo wanted to be happy in the beginning. During those dark days of drunkeness. For u too....there is light and hope. Since i wanted it so bad, i began to follow what others in recovery were doing. Just hold onto someone tight and follow their suggeston, actions and examples. These people in recovery will CARRY YOU till u are able to stand on ur own. I PROMISE. Even when u feel like theres no hope, then hang on even tighter. As for ur arm.....its like my spending here. I know the finacial problems in my family are not going to get any better unless i do something about it. Ive tried so many times to stop, or im not going to do that anymore and yet im POWERLESS over it. Then my little part time job thats only mininum wage, doent pay alot, but because i dont want to work full time and i spend more than my means, and on top of that my hours are unstable. The constant fear of no knowing if a i have a job tomorrow to pay my own bills. Because my husband wont pay for my selfish behavior. This surely takes a toll on my well being, serinity and peace of mind. I feel like this huge boulder is weighing on my little shoulders and if i dont take some kind of action it will sqush me to death. I have to take charge of my own actions. To Become responsible. You too will get there one step at a time. There is help and hope out there if u want it bad enough.

Love and Care.

Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 04-08-2006, 02:49 PM
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And thanks for sharing mate.I will go to a meeting, if I have a guardian angel or something, she'll take me to the right place.I have a good friend who is in NA, hes really nice but...a bit of a 13th stepper.I wouldnt agree to a man sponsor, no way,just trouble.I really hope there will some nice women with clean time in, who maybe able to help I guess I may as well try it,I sure dont have another answer! Do you EVER get rid of that urge just to float? I just want to float, be numb. That feeling of being safe in the womb again.I saw this poster for Barnados charity the other day,it had an image ofa grown woman curled up inside a womb,like she could be born again into a safer world that wouldnt hurt so much.It really made me cry.anyhow shalom for nowxx
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Old 04-08-2006, 03:46 PM
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Oh Clancy!!!, i know all about the depression thing, i also understand about your childhood, i'm a victim of childhoon incest, my dad raped me from the time i was 6, until 13, at least that is what i choose to remember, i finally told my husband(boyfriend at the time) and my mom, the reaction i got was not what i expected from my mom. i remember after my dad died last year, i thought wow, i'm finally safe (i'm now 43) and live in a totally different state than he did for the past 25 years. but still now the thoughts come back to haunt me and there are times that i wonder how much is there that i'm not remembering and do i really want to remember???

as far as the drug use, get your self to a meeting, and get to thearphy forget about what people think, you have to come first, and everything else will fall into place.

i was arrested during my drug use and i know how hard it is to get a job, even here in the us, most companies today do a background check, and even though it's been 10 years at least since my arrest it stills comes back to haunt me.

hang in there and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you

Bernadette
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Old 04-08-2006, 10:03 PM
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Clancy, my heart goes out to you. I am sorry that you are going through and dealing with a really difficult situation. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,

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Old 04-10-2006, 05:55 AM
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Clancy,

I can feel your pain. The torment of childhood terror and anguish reaching up from the past in a way that never quite leaves.

I'll admit to a bias here that's pretty prevalent in many of the posts I write on the forum. I don't think it's possible to ever remove the pain caused by childhood wounding -- and its grip on us in our adult lives -- until we truly process it. Drugs and all other kinds of addictions simply mask it. Meditation, spiritual practice, etc are all critically important in maintaining a grounding in the present and a sense of calm, but in and of themselves, I have found they cannot move us past terrible pain that can haunt us for a lifetime if we do not address it head on.

Your worry about the future impact of seeking help through a therapist is just that -- worry about a future that hasn't happened. It's today, it's now. And for the past 20 years, your 'todays' have been mired in a lot of pain. Are you willing to go another 20 years hoping to keep the pain at bay with drugs, running, travels, anything to fill the huge hole because of that worry? That may be the only certainty about the future you can be sure of without getting help.

It's not about changing your head space. We can't simply shift our thinking, will ourselves, into another gear to be free of the past. It's hard, painful work. It hurts to go through it. But the only way past it, is through it.

On a practical level, some of the future financial or career impact of seeking therapeutic help may be less a concern given your alternative lifestyle and your employment goals as a photographer. It may impact you less than someone who has plans to walk a straight and narrow path through the corporate world and suburban jungle. You may want to look at the balance here Clanc.

In the end, I suppose it does come down to what you said about not wanting to stop. Ultimately, all of us who have stopped have only done so because the thought of maintaining the lives we had while using -- whatever our addictions -- was no longer acceptable to us. You're on your path. Eventually you may get to that point. I wish you peace.

gf
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Old 04-10-2006, 08:42 AM
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Thanks for your message GF.I guess for me it is a problem that I havent had enough bad experiences with drugs. It really scares me that I'll kill myself before I get a warning. Drugs have just been my closest, dearest, alies They just take all the pain away and Send me either to a place of happy normal fuctioning (good) or to a place of just warmth and peace like the womb.(bad,but I like it) Ive been holding it together for such along time.Really since I was 12, ive not been in trouble with the law, or theived or prostituted...Ive just wandered along coping with my world the best I know how, work has always been a problem because of my dire ADHD, but ive had lots of jobs for six months or so at a time til I go nuts with boredom. But now Ive had this 'freckle' taken of my arm that they say is a melanoma in situ. they say Its okay, i'll be fine,the prognosis is exellent it is stage 0 and hasnt spread. But since then ive just been so depressed and terrified. Waves of black depression.I dont know what todo with myself.I start to work,then i throw my camera aside.I think i'll meet a mate for coffee and i put the phone down while its ringing.I start to go food shopping then i just think whats the point.

I know what I need is clinical rehab.but apart from all the social and practical implications if Id go to the doctors and say help me im an addict, they wouldnt send meoff to a country retreat for a month,it doesnt happen like that here.You just get referred to the community drug team, a nurse comes round to talk to you and you get put on a 'three way agreement' between you your nurse and dr, to collect methadone(which is surely from the frying pan into thefire) from the 'shame que' where you have to gulp in front of the pharmacist and anyone else who happens to be in there. I went to see an addiction dr about 18 months ago who said 'off the record the service is totoally inadequate and your better off taking the pills.

Honestly the UK stinks for addiction care, your just a leper,end of. I think I could cope if I didnt keep thinking im going to die from this arm thing all the time.I get into horrific thought loops of paranoia and utter terror. Im driving my partner into the ground too. sometime im relieved when he goes out when so i can just colapse and curl into a ball and scream.What will become of me? Well statistically I know. im not always like this im just so frightened today, I dont know what to do. xx
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Old 04-11-2006, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by clancy
Thanks for your message GF.I guess for me it is a problem that I havent had enough bad experiences with drugs. It really scares me that I'll kill myself before I get a warning. Drugs have just been my closest, dearest, alies They just take all the pain away and Send me either to a place of happy normal fuctioning (good) or to a place of just warmth and peace like the womb.(bad,but I like it) Ive been holding it together for such along time.Really since I was 12, ive not been in trouble with the law, or theived or prostituted...Ive just wandered along coping with my world the best I know how, work has always been a problem because of my dire ADHD, but ive had lots of jobs for six months or so at a time til I go nuts with boredom. But now Ive had this 'freckle' taken of my arm that they say is a melanoma in situ. they say Its okay, i'll be fine,the prognosis is exellent it is stage 0 and hasnt spread. But since then ive just been so depressed and terrified. Waves of black depression.I dont know what todo with myself.I start to work,then i throw my camera aside.I think i'll meet a mate for coffee and i put the phone down while its ringing.I start to go food shopping then i just think whats the point.

I know what I need is clinical rehab.but apart from all the social and practical implications if Id go to the doctors and say help me im an addict, they wouldnt send meoff to a country retreat for a month,it doesnt happen like that here.You just get referred to the community drug team, a nurse comes round to talk to you and you get put on a 'three way agreement' between you your nurse and dr, to collect methadone(which is surely from the frying pan into thefire) from the 'shame que' where you have to gulp in front of the pharmacist and anyone else who happens to be in there. I went to see an addiction dr about 18 months ago who said 'off the record the service is totoally inadequate and your better off taking the pills.

Honestly the UK stinks for addiction care, your just a leper,end of. I think I could cope if I didnt keep thinking im going to die from this arm thing all the time.I get into horrific thought loops of paranoia and utter terror. Im driving my partner into the ground too. sometime im relieved when he goes out when so i can just colapse and curl into a ball and scream.What will become of me? Well statistically I know. im not always like this im just so frightened today, I dont know what to do. xx
Clancy, I really know how you feel. I was clean for awhile, but went back to the drug use just recently. It's not out of control yet, but it's just so comforting I don't want to give it up. I used to be the girl that everybody said would succeed. haha That's funny to me now.

I also have ADHD, the limbic kind, and the specific drugs I use erase my problems that are associated with it entirely, as long as I don't overdo them. Other people notice. They like me better high: they tell me how smart I am, how lively, how fun, how pretty (I guess because I laugh & smile more).

I don't want to quit, but I have moments of quiet lonely desperation that no one sees. Others see me as energetic and outgoing, but I see myself as sad and quiet. It's strange how a person can have such misperceptions about herself, but it's true.

If you can get on an anti-depressant it might work wonders. Once I started taking Zoloft, my desire to drink left me and my deep deep despair lifted. Now I just feel a little sad sometimes, but it's not nearly so bad. Also, my desire to use isn't as severe. I wouldn't even pass for an addict now to most doctors. I'm just "dependent."

I'm not saying yet another pill would make all your problems go away, but believe me, depression is no joke. It's real. And it sucks.

Best of luck to you. You've always seemed really cool to me & I hope you get the help you need soon ... screw the system. The system's going to suck no matter where you are.

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