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venting "it's hard to be the mom"

Old 01-11-2003, 09:59 AM
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venting "it's hard to be the mom"

Even before I open my eyes every morning, some one wants something! It could be anything from a drink of water or to intervine in an argument. Even when I go to relax, I'm solving some sort of problem or another. I know I'm extra touchythe past few days from PMS, my cat scan (which was OK, but no results yet) and from cutting down to one mental med,but GG I fuming! I want to slap my husband for being dumb and lock my self in the room from all the demands of my children. It's not what my husaband does or does not do,but I just feel he needsto grow some. He has only enough room in his brain to do ABC, and cannot go to DEFG. He obesses about snow an ice, so is out there all the time and really nothing needs to be done, but he lacks imagination or drive to do other things like many things that need to be fixed around the house! My Daugher's grandparents called her to set up for her to spend the nigh with them. My girl is behind in school and has home work. They talked to my husband he he said i was alright. Well, it's not because she has to catch up. he got mad at me, but he just wants her gone to have one less kid in the house. Of course m daghter wants to get out of doing her homework, but I did talk to the grandparets and said she needs to buckle down. They were kind of hurt, but honestlyI'm trying to organize things. Now of course my daughter said she lef her books at school and can't do her homework. i yelled and said to find one of her friend that might have a book that she can borrow! Yes, she is ADHD, but the school is not helping her day to day with organization. Of course I will get blamed for everything,but I can't help my daughter if o not know what subjects she needs to be organized in. It's all a catch 22! I think I'm going to go lay back down with a book and take a nap! My husband has to take a look at what he can do with the kids instead ofletting them run wild in the house. I get sick of giving suggestion too. I just want him to actually think and be a part of. It's like us moms have to know everything and do everything. He can't even put gather put on the snow clothes without me"helping him find everything". I mean when I take the kids out, I do thngs all by myself! When it's just me and the kids, my house does not get trashed. My husband knew my daughter had homework, I mean what made hm think to say yes to her going out for a day and over night? (excepfor the fact he did not think and that he just wanted one less kid in the house so he can have more peace to sit on his butt and watch TV!) Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just sleepy and cranky!
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Old 01-11-2003, 12:00 PM
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A book, a nap and earplugs!!!!

love,
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Old 01-11-2003, 01:10 PM
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Hey Live, I did lock thee door and took a nap. I had a frustrating dream and my husband was in iT. OK, here is my drear that I drempt. He was drunk and decided to thow himself abirthday party and invite some people I knew and some of his work friends I never met. Well we just moved in a new place and had yet to get organized, we had no food to serve and was pushing meto make something to serve out of nothing. I then blew up and kept slapping him (this is all a dream remeber). I also yelled at all the guest to leave that I was not prepair to serve or to entertain! Of course everyone thought I was super bitc% and all felt sorry for my hubby.Then one of his friends said i neededto go in the hospital because I was going crazy, but then it turned out he wanted to hurt me fmy husbands sake. I cried at the end and told my hubby that I really did not want leave him, but wanted him to get help and to be my partner. Anyway, in real life it's not that bad! But I swear to God, nowjust as I was coming in the room to get on the computer, he said O by the way my brother is coming up tomorrow. So that means I have to cook a special dinner. I like his brother a lot, he is a cool guy,but I do ike to know things advance! Also, in real life my hubby rigt now is being passive agressive because he has not had S E X in a while. I'm not going to get into it, but I have no desier! Also ,my daughter now is being a little jerk, so I have to stand over her while she makes the phonecalls to get her book, or take her to th library. Now she is sayin "it's my ADHD", but somethings can be helped and she is just manipulating at this point!
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Old 01-11-2003, 01:22 PM
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Hey, what if you suggested dinner out for the brother in law and you and hubby.

I don't remember what meds you are on but anti-depressants are notorious for killing sexuality......you don't want it and when you do it doesn't work anyway..

That nap was supposed to be restful....and was more torture. Geez.

Can you sneak off and get yourself a hotel room???
hahahahha

and, hey, ya like my Halloween costume? My own family saw the pic and didn't recognize me, I think that's hilarious.

love ya,
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Old 01-11-2003, 01:23 PM
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PS
The Minnie Pearl tag on the hat says: Penny for your thoughts, $20 if you act them out


hahahahahahha
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Old 01-11-2003, 01:24 PM
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PPSS

I had this image of you this morning going in for that scan and when they put you in and turn it on you go "MEEOOWW!!!!"
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Old 01-11-2003, 07:39 PM
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OMG Live you are the life of the party. Um, live are you showing off your belly button ring? Now, I know you are thin because you wrote one time how much you are pound wize,but graphics on the computer looks like your PMSing. Resend the image again to fix it. Other than that you are one pretty lady! Not that I'm tying to pick upon you,LOL!!!!! I missed your fun last week! To be honest, sex is the last thingon my mind even ifI was not on meds. I think I'm just plain worn out! What I need is the kids to go to school for a lenghth of time! They seem to have vacation every other week here in New York. If it's not vacation,it's snow days or sick days! I need too,to beable to go on a real vacation with a friend and no kids or hubby! I need to beable to relax without the fear of reckage when I'm gone!
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Old 01-12-2003, 03:51 AM
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Hey Zoomer,

I could relate to everything you said in your post about your husband and your kids, although I only have one. Well two actually, but the first one is grown and on his own, my daughter is six. I could go on and on about my husband, but I'll spare you the details. Hey sometimes I dream I'm kicking his butt, cause he's got on my nerves so bad. LOL

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Old 01-12-2003, 05:57 AM
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Hey Juls, gosh, don't spare the details,vent, vent... It's so good for you to vent even if it's about his nasty farts that linger an hour after he does it! LOL!!!!!! I'd like to see someone work that out in a 12 step saying. Um, "god grant me the serenity not to fumigate his stinky butt"! LOL!!! I have lots of dreams,but they are only dreams think to getout anger that is repressed. One of my girls jus turned 6. She was the most easiest child,but starting K,she has been testing her limits. 99% of the time she cracks me up,she also wants to be near me just about every second. I Hope you are feeling better today. I think you are on the road to getting over this hump of depression. For me I go through life as mountains and vallys. My favorite saying is " If there we no Vallies, then there would be no mountains to clime."
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Old 01-12-2003, 06:37 AM
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Yeah, Zoomer, I'm showing off my belly button ring, and it doesn't show up...it's a spider.

You noticed that pudge belly too! hahahahaha
I don't know how to load these things, I had Dayna's bf do it and I think he had to resize it to fit or something so really the whole thing is out of proportion, it kinda made me shorter and wider like in the fun room mirrors. Do you think he did it on purpose?

Oh, Lordy! We had a war here last night. If my daughter wasn't 20 I'd give her a good old fashioned spanking and ground her to her room and make her clean it.

She is sick with a cold or flu or something, so I took care of baby all day, took her coffee in bed, took her breakfast in bed on the cute little bedtray, took her lunch, jumped at her every wish. She didn't feel well enough to have the baby near her for 5 min. Then grandpa comes to take baby for the night. Lo and behold, she started feeling well enough to talk to all her friends on the phone, then decided she was able to get up shower and go out for dinner with her dad. I asked, will you bring me a plate home?
When she returns, NO food for mom. This made me mad, because she also conveniently forgot last time too. I wait on her hand and foot and this is how much she thinks of me!!?? I went to bed. Then am woke up at 2am by her and bf having a screaming argument. When it quieted down I slipped downstairs to do a look see and he is gone. HMMM? What is going on? Then he comes in with a plateful of food from denny's. Then is when I tell her I'm mad at her, that I take care of her all day and all I asked was for her to bring me eats since she went out for dinner. I mentioned that I do for her, I always get up with baby and she got a surly attitude and said I owed it to her and that I hadn't brought down the sheets to wash like she asked. And brought up picking up meds for me last JULY. (not paying, just picking them up and implied that I faked sick) I said wait a minute I cleaned up that wreck you left after your xmas party otherwise you would have come home to an unbelievable pigsty. Didn't mention that I hauled out 5 bags of trash just yesterday. But she talked down to me and contemptously like I'm her personal servant and beneath her because I've been sleeping in the spare room. (Didn't this just come up a month ago?) She says it's due her as payment. And then dismissed me.
I didn't sleep well because I was so mad, she just wants to use me and is acting like a selfish, spoiled princess.

Geez, she and bf sleep until almost 11am everyday and she throws it in my face that I take a nap....for 45 min after I have put baby to sleep for his.

This mama has had it!!!

Time she learn what keeping house and raising babies really is.
(Not yelling "MOM!" upstairs)

I'm leaving town tomorrow for work, will be out of touch with you all for a few days, but I'm trying to set myself up to get my fines paid and get back home.

Sis observed while we were there that I was doing too much of the baby raising and says she will get me my own lap top for my b-day, that's Feb.
In the mean time, I can borrow friend's or go to the library.

And in the meantime, I will laugh to myself every morning, about how some people just don't know when they've got it made.

GGGRRRR!!!!

Did I mention that when I was working, I was always handing her money? Watch me hang onto my own money too, now.

I'm such a rat, I'm going to tell sis, because there's a few things she'd like to know.......she's been forking over $$$ left and right but she didn't know that so was I, so was his parents, and Dad just gave her $800 for xmas. We're being manipulated and fleeced. Sis asked me what was going on and I hedged, I love my daughter and we've always gotten along so well, I'm not sure what's going on, but right now I don't like her and her attitude stinks.

Last time I got ready to leave, she said if you go don't come back, couldn't believe that came out of her mouth, but be careful what you ask for you just might get it, they can come visit me like they do with the rest of the grandparents.

AAAHHHH, I suspect she's gotten too spoiled with this arrangement and is feeling entitled and taking it for granted. Give her about 3 months of doing things herself and she'll be thinking differently.


see, in a way, I've got it made. No underage children, no husband, just me....so my responsibilities are paying my bills and then doing whatever I want, whenever I want.

live
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Old 01-12-2003, 07:04 AM
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Poor Live, I do hope that you can get out of that situation very soon. From the sounds of it, it's not healhy for either of you. God,I sure hope I never have to depend on my kids. At 20 I was so imature. I guess for your own sanity that you could just look at the situaton as unworkable and hold on until you can get the hell out. I told my one friend one time, just to let things go. She too wanted to "bust someone for being able to get money out of everyone". I say "good for them" and too bad I did't think of it as well. Your in a horrible situation for a mother to have to depend on her child. Work towards a goal that you never have to repete dependency again! It will take a while from what you wrote,but I think if you focus on your goal you will feel better. That kind of thinking has got me through a lot of abuseand usein from other people.
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Old 01-12-2003, 07:42 AM
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Zoomer,

I am crying on your shoulder! BOO HOO SOB SOB

The whole idea was that this would benefit all of us, we believe in the old-fashioned rural extended family system that became extinct with the industrial age, mobile nuclear families....that the baby and all of the family benefits from the help and love of the big close family.

This daughter I am talking about today is someone I don't know. I don't know what is going on. How she has come to think everything revolves around enabling and taking care of her. It's just not like her really. Last time, she begged me to stay, that she loves it and needs me...and I feel the same about her...or did.

She stopped taking her meds a couple of weeks ago, I am wondering if that is part of it.

But I still am not going to accept disrespect or contempt.

I was planning on leaving town for work tomorrow anyway.

My home is still there, the utilites are paid up, electric and water, but I haven't put in propane for heat or had the phone hooked up. I can do without the phone, and if I get mad and hard headed enough I can heat with kerosene but I don't want to.

And I am really attached to the baby, the way he grins when he sees me and reaches for me. The hugs and cuddles. It's just not my job to raise him.

I didn't e-mail sis. That was mad talking. I vent, then I think it over.

hey, didn't you need somebody else (another one) slobbering on ya? WAAAAAA!
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Old 01-12-2003, 08:03 AM
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Livewyred,

It sounds like your daughter is putting you through it, and you don't deserve it. She needs to be taking care of her baby. I had a baby at 21, and although my mother was supportive, she definitely did not wait on me. The responsibility was mine. I did stay with her for a few months until I could get on my feet, but if I had tried to sleep in until 11, unless I was really sick, oh man, it never would have happened. LOL And forget about having the boyfriend around, well spending the night anyway.

Zoomer, I don't even know where to begin as far as my husband is concerned. I could start with saying that he's always starting projects around the house that rarely get finished, and are hardly every done properly. When his dad comes over they go out to the back yard to work on these cars that my husband has, they'll come in the back door, and instead of going out the back door they tramp their dirt and their grease all through the house. Then they'll come back in the front door and do the same thing in reverse. His father doesn't seem to able to get his **** in the toilet, leaves the seat up of course, and pee is all over the floor.

Every piece of nice furniture that I had when we got married has now been scratched, marked, scuffed, or gouged because he has no sense not to try to do some project without covering up the furniture. One day I found him trying to pry something apart with one of my really good expensive, cooking knives and he bent the blade. He doesn't fart or belch, but his dad sure does.

He's Phillipino, and when his dad comes over (he was raised in the country in the Phillipines, at least that's his excuse), he eats with his hands at the table, belches and farts at the table, and sits around waiting for mom (my mother-in-law), to wait on him. My six year old daughter started eating with her hands saying "Grandpa does it, that's how Phillipino people eat." LOL

We have the rattiest yard on the block, and have been ostracised by some of the neighbors. I just can't do it all myself, and we can't afford to hire anyone.

He gets harsh with our daughter when he is in a bad mood, or she does something that he doesn't like. He thinks discipline means being harsh. I've asked him to read some child development books, to understand about discipline and children's behavior, won't do it.

We have no sex life, because of him feeling intimidated to make the first move, but it wasn't like that in the beginning. His idea of foreplay - well maybe I shouldn't say that on the board - but anyway we differ in that area too. LOL

He just gives me the silent treatment if I say something he doesn't like, and his hygeine is less than what I would prefer.

How you may say did I come to marry this man? Well in the beginning it was different, as it usually is when two people meet. We did fall in love, then after nine months of dating I became pregnant. However by this time alot of this stuff had started to show up, and I was ready to exit the scene. I married him because I was pregnant, and because I thought I could create the marriage of my dreams. NOT

However, he does have some redeeming qualities, and he does try at times to make our marriage better. I want our marriage to work for the sake of our daughter. My parents divorced when I was an infant, and I really missed having a dad. I want my daughter to have two good parents, so I'm hanging in there.

Is that enough venting? LOL

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Old 01-12-2003, 09:21 AM
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Juls,
my head is too fried to even answer you at the moment, I'm worn our from yelling and crying here.

Part of this stuff from my daughter is my fault.........I'll have to think that over and how to address it.
I'm the one that taught her that our most important function was to the next generation, my life is to evolve hers and hers is to evolve her baby's, and I'm the one that taught her modern society is not good for the family and on and on and on.

I still believe that, but she is misusing it and being a little operator, too smart for her own good sometimes.

and, oops, the house is Hers and Bf's. I'm the extra here.

live
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Old 01-12-2003, 09:44 AM
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OK,girls this is the "bitching R Us" post! LOL!!!!! My husband and his sister are the kind that fart all over the place! Thank God his brother has more cooth! Yes, in some countries it's fine to belch and fart,but tell your girl that the custom here makes it rude. I too believe that this county has messed up big time in family values! God, my mother went though the 60s love andpeace stage and screw the system to 70s "me" stage and is still there! Thank God for my grandma! She never did babysit me much,but I was her love and buddy. It was not her duty to take care of me,but she wanted to spend time with me because she got as much joy out of me as I did her. We had such fun! I think if she had to be responsibl for me, we would not have had a specail bond! I too know about not doing things right or finishing a project from my husband! The horrible part i that he has a teaching degree in teaching shop! Of course he is not a teacher (he said they did not pay enough at the time) He went backto school to be a computer engeneer. Of course he does not fixup our computer (he does not work with PCs),but you would think he would know how! Juls I get depressed too about my husband's short comings! I felt lied to after we were married! he convenced me he was something he wanted to be not who he actually is. I feel trapped at times,but I want stability for my kids.
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Old 01-12-2003, 12:46 PM
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Okay, friends,
I got it out of my system here.

Here's what really happened, I went downstairs and Dana said if I would run down and get the laundry out of the dryer she would do the dishes. This is her placating me. she hates dishes and I usually do them. I laughed. I saw Nah, I'll get the dishes, you get the laundry. She looked at me confounded that I volunteered to do dishes. I said, look Dayna, I know you hate dishes and I hate laundry okay.

So then I say, Dayna, I can't stand it when we are angry at each other and don't get along. She says I thought we'd just forget it and move on. I said No I need to talk to you about it.

We sat down at the kitchen table, I said remember when I was out for dinner with co-workers and you asked me to bring you home a plate and you got impatient and called me at the restaurant like six times?....well, I was really looking forward to that dinner last night too and I felt like you didn't care about me except as a babysitter. She says I thought you love Noah and taking care of him. I said I do but I don't want to raise him all day.
I explained that I understood she was sick, I didn't mind taking care of her and him yesterday and no, I didn't criticize her for going out to dinner I just wanted her to think of me too.
Then she explained how everything had gone wrong for her too at the restaurant, that she was sick and shouldn't have gone, was really irritable and upset and all she was thinking about was wanting to come home. And that she thought I was criticizing her for things that I didn't mean that way. And she answered my concerns about I care about you I just screwed up.

That said and done, we are fine now, working together, laughing and talking.

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Old 01-13-2003, 12:40 PM
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CALGON TAKE ME AWAY

Ooooohhhh if Calgon could do just that!!! LOL

I haven't posted in a few days...finally went to see my family over the weekend to have Christmas. I stayed the night at my Mom's Saturday & slept 13 hours straight of uninterupted sleep; when I'm there all I have to do is eat, sleep & breath...and of course get caught up on the hometown gossip...LOL

This is where the Calgon comes in. We're going through round 99 with my boyfriends son and his girlfriend. I work night shift and my sleep is constantly interupted by them. Up until now my boyfriend has tried to set the limits and it has not worked. We had another talk the other night and the decision was made by him again to tell his son that his girlfriend is no longer allowed here PERIOD because of her disrespecting the rules that are set for our home (I won't go into all that) I told him that this time, if this is not followed through with, I'm calling the police to have her arrested for tresspassing and have a restraining order placed against her. I told him that when I have to intervene I will not tell them 8 or 9 times hoping that the 10th time that they'll listen. I tell them once then if there's a second time the consequences will be theirs to pay...I've had enough.

I've been in recovery a few 24 hours and I've never had to experience where it seemed acceptable to allow others to cause chaos & disruption in my home especially by a child. Of course we're all raised differently; different values and morals...the way I was raised they call that child abuse today~ we were afraid of our parents because we were afraid not to be. You were told something once and it wasn't repeated again...you felt the belt then you did what you were told to do.

I didn't have the opportunity to be a Mother so I can only imagine what it's like to raise children. I don't just see it in my home, but I see it in the homes of others that have children where it seems the parents are scared to discipline their children...kids that are allowed to talk back and tell the parents NO when their told to do something...BLOWS my mind.

I honestly don't mean to offend anyone, I'm in a place where I'm trying to understand than to be understood. My parents weren't perfect by any means but as I look back I am grateful that I had both parents as a small child to raise and discipline me. They taught me respect for others and manners especially when we were in someone elses home. Both parents took responsibility ...not once did my Mother say, "Just wait until your Daddy got home." She wore that hind end out and didn't care who was around...let a parent do that today and they'll be behind bars (in this area anyways)

Sorry I went on and on. Something I heard through the Al Anon program years ago, "You can be right or you can be happy." my addict thinking tells me I can be both...LOL I know more than anything today I want to be happy again, I want my home back the way it use to be before we got custody of his son...full of love, laughter, peace and happiness...this seems like a distant memory.

Thanks for letting me share
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Old 01-13-2003, 04:28 PM
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Hey BG,ya I as a parent am afraid at times to know what to do with the little monsters. It's hard to be this generation of parents. I hate Mr. Rogers becase he is full of sh--it,but then again I look on my kids face when I'm yelling and I get upset because I'm doing it all wrong. It's all so cofusing. I have read every single magazine, book and what not on child raising. I have studied and spent a few years on learing about ADHD because my daughter was diagnosed with it. I still do not have a clue after 6 kids on what to do about some things. There are times when I say "screw the self esteem of my child", and tell them like it is. I have never used a belt or as my mom use to call her wooden paddle "big bertha". O there are times when I yell, I cna't tke this any more, and my mom use the use the belt, is that what you need to listion" My kids later ask "were you really going to use a belt". I say no, but dam it I get angry and say things I don't mean. Yes, there are some kids tht can actually be talked to and they do as the are ask, but then there are others that need to be yelled at for them to actually hear! It's sooo hard to be the mom or St. Mom or parent!
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Old 01-14-2003, 05:47 AM
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(((zoomer)))

Thanks so much zoomer...I needed to hear what you had to say. I think for the first time I felt compassion for my boyfriend because he went through a lot to get custody of his son and I honestly believe he is soooo confused about what to do at times. For years I would watch his son talk back to him and disrespect him...then my boyfriend would finally explode over what I considered something little.

Also, I know he feels stuck in the middle and loves both of us very much. I don't expect him to "pick sides" but to realize that we are the adults in this house and there are things in life such as rules and respect. I believe he sees me as "controlling" and to me that's not even an issue. I am one to turn the other cheek and have bit my tongue more than once just to keep the peace...sometimes being nice in this house gets taken advantage of.

His son has also had major problems with his Step-Father and I see it as a pattern with anyone that disapproves of his unacceptable behavior. Extremely passive aggressive when anyone disagrees with him ... I have never raised my voice to him but I have left the room because I get tired of his babbling nonsence and dishonesty. The program taught me that I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior from anyone and to walk away graciously without being verbally abusive.

OK...now I am babbling...very tired after a long night at work. Like everything else in my life...If God brings me to it, He will get me through it...My old time favorite: THIS TOO SHALL PASS
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Old 01-14-2003, 06:10 AM
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Hey BG. When my Son's cme for a visit, I don't want to be the "bad parent" and have turned the oter cheek. The both took turns living with me and it was impossible Theyy both had dreams of being the "son of god" in this house and wanted me to cater to evey whim. I collapes. Of course I could never say no and my ex pushed my one son into living with us at the time my infant son was born. Maybe my ex felt treaten that because i had another bo, that I would forget about my older two. Not the case,but I did not or could not live up to my son's exspectations, nor did they live up to mine! There is a difference of visiting and actually living together. If my son's wanted to come live here again, I'm not sure if I could only because they do not respect my house rules and I have little ones I need to protect. My boys just do not have much tolorencefor the litle ones any more and teach my12 year old things I do not wat her to know about. Music they listion to, she now wants to. Like Corn, papa Roach,emamen... Now my daughter wants to wear black! Last nigt she asked if she could join WICCA. Um of curse I said no, but when she is 18 she can do what she wants. There is this one friend of hers that hs older brothers too and she is trying to be different an so I now have to find a way to either get this friend to back off talkng about witchcraft or say no to my daughter being friends with her. I told my daughter that she can look up some stuf on the computer and I will sit down with her and read it with her, but there are some stange people in that sort of thing. Ha, then she told me she did't believe n God. I said I do and I told her about when I found out I was pregnant with her and how sh was one of the reasons I believe in God so much! It's so hard to the parent!
Zoomer
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