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messed up still

Old 04-10-2002, 04:47 AM
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Unhappy messed up still

Hi again.
I have been at my moms for the easter holiday. I work in a school, so I get the same holidays as the kids do. Now I'm back and think it's time for me to get busy.
I'm going to a meeting tonight. I've been not feeling too well. I'm having a hard time right now. I seem to be making a bad decision again. I haven't seen my girls in a long time. Almost 3 weeks now. I miss them so much. It is my fault though. I talked to my husband (soon to be ex?) and ended up blurting out, since I was mad, that I was pregnant. I'm not even sure that he heard me. I just said it to be mean, and now I'm scared to phone him to see them, because I don't want him to say no to me. I left him last year so I could get sober, and ended up drinking and having an affair. Not what I would call getting sober. I probably planned it right from the start. I did. I know I did. Hind sight is 20/20. Now I'm alone, pregnant with a dutch mans baby, who I don't even want to talk to now, and missing my family beyond belief. I finally came out of the fog and looked at what I have done, and it really hurts. All of those things that I hated before, the 'boring' life I had, I miss that so much. I can see how hard he tried to make this marriage work. I can see how purely terrible I was in everything. It really sucks. I feel like I'm going to be a failure forever now. I have a good job, but that is the only thing I have today. I don't have a family anymore. I don't have a life. I have 4 children, all of whom live with someone other than me. They are all healthy and probably better off. But now, here I am having another baby. I'm really scared now. I don't want this life to continue. I hate what I've done to all of those that I love the most. I hate it. I have been seeing and hearing how I've hurt them in people around me. Not directly from the people I've hurt, but in people who are sharing at meetings, or just talking about the alcoholic in their lives. I feel my breath catch whenever I hear it. Because I am that alcoholic in those families, I am the one who has messed things up. It's a tough pill to swallow, that's for sure. I could just crawl into myself and die today. I'm only hanging on, because I want to see my children grow up. I want to stop this before this baby gets here. I need help so badly that I will do anything to stay alive today, but sometimes the pain wants to take over. Know what I mean? I'm so lost. My mom is very supportive of me. She has been there for me all along the roads I've been down. She misses my daughters, but she understands my actions. I did what was good for them at the time, now I've got to keep on, and keep doing what I need to do to be a better person. It's so hard. I guess I just have to just keep on trying.
Thanks for being here. I hope that some day I'll be able to write about something other than my pain.
Amanda
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Old 04-10-2002, 01:47 PM
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Big (((( hugs )))))) to you. I'm glad to read that you are getting to a meeting. You have alot on your plate right now. The past is the past so try to let it go and start fresh. Take baby steps and do a little something to make life better everyday; maybe a letter to your children, a good cup of tea with a close friend. Try not to think about "all the stuff" because it is too overwhelming.

One day at a time . . . clean and sober.

I am sorry that you are having a hard time. Take care of yourself!!!!

Hugs,

Wendy
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Old 04-10-2002, 07:21 PM
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mteeglass
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I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I did the same thing. I was married for 10 years and just got sick of the "boring" married life and sober life, and decided that I was going to start dancing in a bar, and well my husband gave me a choice either I quit or he was leaving. I chose the bar life. I gave up everything right then and there. I abandoned my family. I had everything a woman could want a great home in the country which we just bought 8 months previous to me leaving, with horses, dogs, cats the whole nine yards. A husband that was totally loyal and didn't go out at night, we were the perfect couple. I thought that my life was boring!!!! I got hooked on crack and also heroin on that run that lasted 2 1/2 years. My husband was sober too, I would call him up to come get me and then he would drive to where I was which was another state and take me back to a rehab and then I got out of rehab and went right back to the drug dealer boyfriend that I thought loved me!!!! Can you imagine!!!!! I really went through alot when I was seperated from my husband and also didn't talk to my family the whole 2 1/2 years. I hid from them. My mother had cancer too and I wasn't even there to help her. I know that feeling of being messed up and feeling like a low life. I couldn't have kids then and thank God for that, but I did have all my animals which were my children and I left them for days without food and stuff,my husband had to come to the house and he took them one day when I was gone on another run. I feel such shame sometimes even now, and I am sober now for some time. I got into a car accident and almost lost my arm, I have plates and screws in it forever and dont have good use of it either. I finally had enough, I was about 100 lbs at 5'8 and looked terrible and was going to kill myself when I called my husband one more time and finally wanted to get sober for myself. I had 5 years sober at one time, so I knew what it was like and it killed me. I had a great life. and I was reduced to living in a shed, not having any money to eat and also had a crack and heroin habit, I was on the verge of becoming a prostitute because I sold everything that I had, everything in my house, my car, everything. I really worked hard at staying sober this time, and still didn't have any contact with my parents for the first year just because I didn't need any more emotions that what I had and on Christmas I decided to write to them and tell them that I was okay and my dad came to my apartment (the one that my husband got and paid for the first 90 days sober) and he told me that my mother had passed away while I was getting sober. So, I really know the guilt of not being there for your loved ones. But, I had to do what I had to do to get sober, because I believe in my heart that if I had any more emotions other than what I had on my plate at the time then I wouldn't have stayed sober. Girlfriend, if I can do it, you can too!!! My husband and I had contact with each other but very limited because I couldn't face what I did to him. His family told me that he cried every day and lost so much weight and for four years didn't even go out on a date with no one else. All the while I was having other relationships with different men because I couldn't face my husband. I got together 2 1/2 years sober and was in a very bad relationship with someone, and one night I went out. Thank God that he seen fit that I had an awakening again, and came running back to AA 2 weeks later. I was hospitalized 4 days after that and diagnosed with Hepatitis C, !!! I am now back with my husband who said to me that day in the hospital when he came to see me, that I am his wife and that he will love me and take care of me just like the vows that he took when he married me. What a man!!!!! Even though I feel like I dont deserve him, I guess that God thinks that I do and who am I to question Him, right. I am sorry that I have gone on and on, but when I read your post, it just went right through me. I know that you can do it, you just have to get yourself together before you start trying to fix everything that you did. You can do it, get close to aa and get a regular homegroup, that helped me alot. I was totally honest with myself and I know that all that stuff that I did, well, that wasn't the person that I really am,I become that nasty non-caring person when I put alcohol in my body among ohter things. I have a forum that I started also, http://forums.delphiforums.com/sobriety1, you can catch me there or email me!!! I would love to chat with you and help you if you want it. Hang tough you can do it!!!!!!
 
Old 04-11-2002, 04:31 AM
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Hi again
I'm feeling much better today than I did yesterday. After writing my post yesterday, I went to work. I completely gave it up. I just read what I wrote, thought about it a bit, then prayed. I asked for the help I need to make the right decisions for one day. I felt a bit better, but was still upset. Well, it seemed to have worked. On the way to work, which is a short drive I decided to phone my husband. I phoned him shortly after I got to work and asked him if I could see the girls. He surprised me by saying yes. I guess that I let it get huge in my head and was expecting the worst, which is what I usually do, and it ends up not being as bad as what I thought it would be. I'm still uneasy about the way he agreed, but I'm going to take it for what it is right now. I'm still scared, I won't lie. I just want to do what is right. I'm crazy inside without my daughters in my life, but I know they are in a better place right now. They have stability, they have their father who is a wonderful person. What more could I ask for? Some day, I might be that to someone to. I know I'm not right now though. I can't lie to myself forever.
I've just finally started the steps to making my life better, I'm not expecting any miracles to happen overnight. I've done that before. I've had sobriety before, I know what I need to do. It's going to be a long hard road yet. I still have this little life growing inside of me. I still have 4 children who deserve a better role model than the one they have had. I have three daughters, what kind of female role model have I been so far? I have to change now, before it gets too far to be of any good. So here I am. I am alive, my children are healthy and in capable hands and I am sober. I am not going to give into this disease, but I can still get pretty crazy in a minute. I just need to learn to live in the now...the past will always be there, there is nothing for me to do about it, but learn from it. That is all that I ask for today. To learn to be a better person and to be someone I can look in the mirror and like. Today is only a beginning. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I'm happy today, though I know that I'll be far more happier in my life with the help of people in recovery.
Thank you all for being here, and listening to my craziness.
Amanda
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Old 04-11-2002, 04:53 AM
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Anitano1
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Hello Amanda- is it? I tell you I spent 10 minutes painstakely repling to what you posted and hit the wrong key so lost I think..or you will recieve one incomplete post..anyway, i'm trying again- long day at work.
You sounded so down on yourself but when you said that you were still trying I thought that you sound like a survivor. You know i have been sober three days and i feel different this time because i never really wanted to quit drinking i thought i love drinking and after the last night realise that it is only going from really bad to f***ing terrible. I binge drink so i get trashed and then spend the next four days or so reconciling with myself and my partner who has truly seen me at my worst..then i find a reason to have a couple and then that's ok and so after about another day or two i buy a bottle and so it all begins again.
Only last time i think it was my saving grace? -that i am so horrified by how smashed i was and that my small son heard me and my partner arguing {because of my drunkeness & my stubborness to continue untill the bottle was empty long after he went to bed.}
I didn't even realise that he had heard- in my state -until the next day when he said he was tired because he couldn't sleep because of "the shouting."

You know i recall that at meetings i have heard the stories shared by others and alot have sunk as low as they can go and some by some miracle have families that have stuck with them -others not so lucky.I have thought well that hasn't happened to me yet but the other night i felt like that woke me up and i became absolutely sick about it.
It's like it's ok for me to suffer but i don't really want to let my children know what i do AND the stupidest thing is that i finally thought they probably hear alot more than i have realised because i am so GONE.
I guess i think no-one will know, i sit at home, don't go out and drink. Control my drinking to a point until i just crash.
You know i've come to think of my drinking as self-harm because i drink to the degree that i fear death- really!It's amazing that i have been prepared to drink to the point of pain, numbness, whatever & the only thing that i have come to fear is the affect on my children if i get worse- or is it when?

But why do i feel not worthwhile enough to merrit concern for just me?
When you are drinking who are you really hurting? Yourself.
Yes, your family is affected by the DRUGS or the ALCOHOL, just as you are. You are not the problem. You may have problems or childhood ISSUES- believe me I have come from a violent home, been sexually assaulted and am lucky to have the life i do. I only have one real barrier from having a happier life and that's the drinking.It's a struggle and i tell you, i will swallow my pride and go to a meeting, after 1 year i am pretty scared. I have spent two weeks at the most without drinking. What else keep drinking - die early.

Whatever your choice you need to start loving you, stop blaming yourself. You can never change the past but i believe in making your future- no i'm not religous {or a psychologist and I have never done counselling- i just have had/still have ISSUES of my own}

...but i DO believe that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Maybe it's a case of you feeling not worthy of love and by not having the baby, you not only stop yourself from "hurting another person"-as you put it BUT you also are stopping yourself from recieving love and children give it unconditionally.

I am pro-life but i am probably more pro-choice.If i can say anything else again, love yourself- you deserve it!

Anita
 
Old 04-12-2002, 04:02 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2001
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Good Morning,
I like to start my mornings here, it gives my day a head start into what I like today. I like to read the posts here and to see such hope written in them.
Maybe I should clear up a few things. I have 4 children. The first two are 13 months apart and I had these two little angels at 16 and 18. I was immature and believed that I could do no wrong. Not that I'm saying that children are wrong, I was just a child myself. I was lucky to have a family who supported me, my mother took the custody of the two children at 19 so that I could grow up. She was only trying to help.
A little after I turned 19, I met my husband. I was by this point drinking just to get drunk, not liking the life I was living, and believing that this is all that I had left. Getting drunk was something people at my age at that time did, or so I thought. I didn't realise until later on that the people I was drinking with, who drank like me, were a lot older than myself. Then came my husband, he was like my prince charming. He was here to make me feel special, make me more of a person than I was. I moved in with him, and left my family behind. I managed somehow to keep my drinking under control. I didn't drink too much in front of him, in the event he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. It worked for a while, then I got pregnant with our first child. The life we had during the time from when I moved in with him until this time was wonderful. It was everything that I wanted. My family was even happy for me. My mom and my step dad were both happy that I'd found such a nice man to be with. I loved everything about our life. I had the baby in October. When she was 2 mos. old, I went out and got drunk. It came out of nowhere. I finally talked to my husband and told him, I have a problem. He promised to help me get the help I needed. He kept his side of the bargain, and I played with his feelings in the process. I managed to stay sober until my daughter was almost 2, then I started to drink again. I moved out and back in with my mom, saying that I had to be away from him for a while. He kept our daughter. Even now when I think of it, it's all a mess. I can't recall one hundred percent of it, maybe I don't want to. I hated leaving her. The next coming home time for me was horrible. I did the unthinkable. I used my husband, and his feelings for me. I got pregnant on purpose. After he found out, we ended up back together again. This time I promised that I wouldn't drink, that everything would be better. I really tried at this time. I worked again, I was at home every evening, doing the family thing constantly. I became the person I thought I should be. I stayed sober for 3 years this time. After I had my 2nd child I became very close to her. She was such a perfect child. The very light of my life. I loved her so very much. I thought that she was my little angel that would make everything better. She did do this for a very long time.
I got a computer through work shortly after my 3rd b'day. I found the chatlines soon after. Then I found another addiction. Soon it was causing problems again. I was online a lot of the time, and my husband was getting madder and madder at me. I became sicker and sicker. I stopped my meetings. I blamed and blamed. I then set up a meeting of a man online. It was terrible. I got found out, and instead of turning it around on myself and blaming the right person, I blamed him. I was so sick by then I actually believed it. I moved out of the house we'd just bought the year before. He couldn't keep up the payments and we had to sell it. He moved in with his mom and took the girls with him. I was free again. I drank and drank. I hated what I was doing, but believed that was what i had to do. I can't even believe I could think that way at the time.
By this time there was another man in the picture. Another online meeting. I used to talk to this guy about my marriage. He would sympathize with me and listen. I live in Canada. I flew to Holland in april of last year and met him. We continued the friendship? we had and he came to canada in august. I was so mixed up. I wanted to go home, but I knew that I couldn't. So I held onto this man. He came back in December and stayed for 3 weeks. In January of this year I became pregnant. So now I'm pregnant, my husband knows, and the father who lives in Holland knows as well.
I've built a huge mess of my life. I feel as though I'm crazy as I read all of this. That is why I latching onto AA right now. I don't believe that a sane person would be in this situation right now. I just can't believe it. I've lived my life totally around alcohol from nearly the first time that I took that first drink. I let it control my entire life. I am amazed that I have a life to live still.
I have discovered that I'm one messed up individual, to say the least. I have contacted the alcohol and drug services here, and have made an appointment with a counselor there. It's a start. I've also been going to meetings and searching out a new sponsor. My former had gone back out, and is having a hard time coming back in. I've been praying a lot, that my family be happy despite what I've done. I want my husband to have a good life. He didn't deserve for this to happen to him, and he truly tried his best. I did nothing for the relationship but make a mess of 3 lives that I had no business messing with.
I'm going to be focusing on this disease and trying to get some sobriety under my belt before I make anymore decisions. I need help badly and need to make the necessary changes in my life. I am 18 weeks pregnant now, in twenty two short weeks there will be another person in my life. I want to be on my way down a better road of life by then. My mom is going to be supportive again. She has offered to help me in any way that she can. But there is one stipulation, no more drinking, no more lying and no more games. She said that I have to do right for myself, she won't watch me hurt myself anymore.
I am still upset by it all, but with the meetings, and talking with a few women, I seem to be able to make it through a day all right, and without hurting anyone.
I'm sorry this is so long, I tried to be brief. But I need to see it in black and white sometimes.
Thank you all for being here, and sharing this wonderful program with me.
Amanda
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Old 04-12-2002, 06:51 AM
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mteeglass
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Hi there again!!!! You sound like you know what you have to do. I know all to well also the pain of having sobriety at one time and then losing it and that feeling that your talking about wanting, to look at yourself and like yourself again and also to be a better person. You sound just like me. I have made so many bad decisions, even in sobriety, and the only thing that I can do is to pray and to ask God to help me, just like you are. I think that you are doing a great job, so dont be so down on yourself. I have Hepatitis C and well, since I have been back with my husband of 14 years, I have been thinking of a family, but I have never been pregnant, so I really cant relate there. I wish so much that I could. My husband deserves to be a father, he absolutely adores kids and is just such a great person. I wish sometimes that I could be like him inside, but I guess in due time.
I definately wish you all the luck in the world and will be praying for you too. Hopefully the hubby and Iwill have a good weekend together. I get sick alot and have to stay and sleep alot, which I hate because we are like best friends and really like to hang out together and I feel sometimes that he shorted himself by asking me back after our seperation even knowing about the hep and stuff. But, I am told by my sponsor not to think like that because he really loves me and wants to take care of me and I should learn to accept it. I think that sometimes I still have the baggage that I accumulated over the 4 years that we were seperated. I had alot happen to me in other relationships which I really dont want to get into right now, but maybe someday. I just feel that I lost alot and am trying to get it back. I am rambling now and didn't really mean to. I really hope that you have a great weekend and I look forward to hearing from you again. Bye for now. Hugs. also I have a sober forum that you might want to check out. http://forums.delphiforums.com/sobriety1/start its not hard to sign up and its free. Come check us out. Thanks.
Hugs,
<marquee>[b] BE GOOD TO YOURSELF TODAY!!</MARQUEE>



[This message has been edited by mteeglass (edited April 12, 2002).]
 

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