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how do you stop cycle of pschological abuse

Old 12-10-2002, 05:36 PM
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how do you stop cycle of pschological abuse

Hi Group,

My question to you is "How do we stop our part in the cycle of psycholigical abuse? According to everything I've been reading and my therapist I have a part in it. I'm in collusion with the abuser to be abusive.

So I was wondering if any of you have had experience with a partner who likes to play power games and engage in psychological abuse. My part is in it somewhere. What I have been trying to do is state facts as clearly and honestly as possible from MY point of view and when manipulative behaviour starts I don't respond. When the tears start and the sighs and the oh everything I do is wrong, blah, blah,blah,blah,blah I just don't bite into it.

Thanks

Ngaire
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Old 12-10-2002, 05:40 PM
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Sounds good to me! Don't feed into It!
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Old 12-10-2002, 09:25 PM
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Myles,

Unfortunately you cannot stop someone from trying to control you. You can learn to recognize it for what it is and be better able to respond appropriately.

There's alot of good information out there. Check with your local women's domestic violence center. They also address pyschological, emotional issues and have a great understanding of the control scenario.

There are some posts on here that might be helpful, you might browse around them, look in Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and Women in recovery.

One of my favorite books on this issue is "no Visible Wounds" that really helps identify, clarify and name these oh so subtle and confusing manuevers.

This modus operandi cannot be broken unless the controller is educated and willing to make changes.

Best wishes,
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Old 12-11-2002, 09:07 AM
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I agree that it's hard to figure out where that line is between responsibility and "victim" My local women's crisis center has been helpful to me. I didn't realize his emotional/psych. abuse until after he got physical and I looked at the relationship in retropsect, so I give you alot of credit for seeing this for what it is now! I know that for me, i get really annoyed when people try to tell me I am simply a victim of his abuse - I want to take responsibilty, too. BUT, he still needs to do his part. Just because I take responsibility for staying in the relationship doesn't mean that it's okay for him to keep acting that way. Is he willing to recocnize that there is dysfunction in the relationship? My guy is in jail now - and honestly I wouldn't even be talking to him if he wasn't, because that's what it took to make him realize he was out of control. But I still don't know if he's willing to change his behavior. It has been helpful, though, to set my boundaries with him and let him know I would not stand for that kind of treatment. I don't know if this helped at all, but at least you know you're not alone
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Old 12-11-2002, 09:26 AM
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Hi Group,

Thanks for the replies, they have been helpful to me. I'm currently trying to recognize my role in the cycle and why I end up there. That is a start.

Ngaire
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Old 12-11-2002, 12:15 PM
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I'm interested in what you learn!

peace,
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Old 12-12-2002, 07:32 AM
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Me exactly

Take a look at a post I put up today regarding another depressing day.I am involved in an almost 3 yr relationship with an abuser.He has abused me physically, verbally, but the biggest hurt to me is the emotional abuse.It is a never ending roller coaster ride with us.I am not sure why either one of us has put up with it as long as we have. So many broken promises, so many empty apologies. Bottom line is that I am realizing that I can not make him happy and i am not happy and nothign is going to change EVER. He may say it will,but he has been saying that for 2 yrs and life is slowly slipping away.I am like you tho in the fact that I harbor a lot of responsibility for how he has treated me. All my friends and family tell me I am a fool and to wake up and smell the coffee, yet I continually feel guilty for things that i have done as according to him, I am the one treating him so badly, and I "push him" to act the way that he does. His violence used to be only during drinking. Now, these past few days even, it has come around when we are both completely sober which is scary because I always blamed the fights and violence on alcohol, but it seems that is not the case. I have lost a vrey large part of my self and my self-esteem over the past few years and I hate to see it happen to anyone else as it is something I am currently dealing with every day. Maybe your situation is different and can be worked out.I thought the same thing for the past 3 yrs. His first bout of violence with me came while I was VISITING the guy out of state.We were not even dating exclusively then. We met and and he lived in another state and I flew out to visit him for 2 weeks to "see" where our relationship might go. During the visit he got drunk and accused me of something I didnt do, and was verbally abusive to me. And I didnt even KNOW they guy. Should have seen the writing on the wall then huh? Well, good luck to you ! Lets talk if you like.
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Old 12-12-2002, 07:39 AM
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Last night I found some superb information on this issue. I have had my head up my @$$ about my lover boy for 5 yrs.

Anyway, go the Post addressed to Along, helping, angel et al;
in it MG has a link you can click on to

It's all about emotional abuse and it is very enlightening.

For me, it is a vaccine. I will be immune now.
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Old 12-12-2002, 06:52 PM
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If two are not into getting well, then one has to leave. The part you play is by staying and trying to fix it when he does not want change. My relationship with my now husband is not 100%, but it is healthier than I had in the past. I think in my relationship now is that we may yell and do little pet peaves, but neither one of use would truly mean to hurt eachother and both are will to say I'm sorry if we mess up. I just up and left. I hoped things in my past relationship would work out if we were apart, but growing is hard to do. I think when you find your part in it, don't "punish yourself". I think the real thing to think is learning how to think smart and not put yourself in a position to be abuse. There will be red flag warnings that you will learn not to ignor. I know for me, I wanted love and to give love. It's the abuse who is not playing fair!
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Old 12-13-2002, 09:19 AM
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I'm still fluctuatign on this issue since it's going on for me, too. Some say it's hopeless and to just leave him entirely - but I do believe that if we are both willing to work on ourselves and accept responsibilty that there is a chance. I feel like I have the added benefit of him being in jail - (yes, cruel, I know) - but it ensures us both 6 months of separation and solitude where it will be easier to focus on out own stuff rather than each other's. Not that we can't find plenty of other things to get distracted with...and I'd still want to stay apart for a while after he got home...UHG! this is such a good thread, I really need this discussion.
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Old 06-05-2003, 05:07 AM
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Unhappy Psychological abuse and mind-games...HELP!

GOOD question,...how do you make it stop?

I am new to this board, but not new to Recovery.
I have 10 yrs sober. I am also not new to being in abusive relationships. Never been hit, but words and behaviors hurt just as badly.

I've lost a lot to abusive men, but this latest relationship I am in is by far the most confusing and destructive ever.
I am appalled at my inability to stand up to him, OR to stop the cycle. AND...when I say it is "destructive"...I mean just that. In one year's time, I've lost just about everything I once knew as "my life".
Among all the other things I've lost...(as in, what I THOUGHT this relationship was going to be at its start, my peace of mind, my health, my ability to be myself and feel comfortable, etc)...I now am very likely about to lose my apartment AND my resident-manager's job,...and I do have STRONG reason and evidence to believe he not only may have something to do with that, but also that he would like nothing better than to see me lose this job and this apartment, as well as to lose everything I have worked to build since moving here just two short years ago. In his mind, he might think that is somehow "fair".!)(**long story, but, in short he and I used to live together, briefly, and my boss asked him to leave, due to his behaviors. I was also being affected by those behaviors, AND being abused, and I asked him to leave too. So he now blames all of that on me)

Anyway...as with most abusers, usually he denies the abuse.
OR ELSE, he admits it, but then justifies it by saying I also abuse him, which is just absurd and not fact at all.
But....every few days, he behaves like a textbook example of a verbal/emotional abuser, and it is getting worse and worse. He has even violated my privacy, in ways that would sound like a spy-novel if I tried to describe them, but in short...I seem to "share" my e-mail with him without my consent.

I am completely at the end of my rope, and I should know better than this after 10 yrs sober! And even with seeing a therapist (who in my case has suggested I actually RUN, FAR AWAY, AND FAST, which I cannot do because I moved out here to start an acting career, and I am NOT leaving!)...I still have no idea how to handle this. To make maters worse, my family is trying to handle it FOR me, in all the wrong ways, and that is dysfunctional, as I am almost 39 years old.

Sorry to ramble. It is all just a complete disaster, and I am desperate for help and advice.
I can't even try talk to this man about this issue without his hostility, blaming, denial, screaming.
I do love him, (or, I love the man I once thought he was, the man he can be when he's in that "post-abuse charming" phase)....but I am at least healthy enough to know that this relationship is toxic, and that the way he behaves every few days and the things he says to me/believes about me are NOT LOVING, no matter what he says when he's in a "loving" mood. He's like Jekyll and Hyde, and fits every textbook example of an abuser, word for word, behaviors and all.

I should know better about what to do, but I am scared, trapped, heartbroken, and, obviously I need help. I could use some advice from people who have been with seriously manipulative, interrogative and mastermind emotional-abusers. I am trapped in a cycle which is destroying me, with a person who SAYS they love me but is doing everything they can to destroy me. I am hooked, and don't know what to do.
But it looks like I am about to lose everything, so I have to do something. Because...this cycle IS destroying me, and I have never been more heartbroken in my life.
HELP. PLEASE!

Last edited by MsGhostRider; 06-05-2003 at 05:51 AM.
 
Old 06-09-2003, 03:04 AM
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Ahhhhh, Emotional Abuse!
I also have a BF just like yours! I've never experienced this sort of relationship in my life! He's always playing Head Games with me, he really not there for me, emotionally, physically, anythign like that!
But what I did find out, or what I am realizing now, is that an "Emotional Abuser" is a person who is NOT happy with themselves!! I mean everything my BF says to me (which is mean & cruel, intentionally meaning to hurt me) he needs to say to himself!!! Because everything he says to me, or about me, he needs to turn around & say it to himself!!!
Like an alchoholic...they need to reconize & know that they are like this, or they will never stop abusing!! I know I'm going to have to leave my BF eventually, cause there in NO WAY, any changes being made in my situtation! He blames me for everything!! (even tho I know it's not my fault, especially when I KNOW it's NOT MY FAULT!) It just makes me cause I really did love him, but I don't love this treatment!!! I don't deserve it, & You don't deserve it! NO ONE deserves it!!

I just wish you the BEST of LUCK!! You'll be in my prayers!
If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for ya!
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Old 06-09-2003, 06:04 AM
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Abuse

I just wanted to put in my 2ยข for whatever it is worth. I have been through it all, emotional, physical and verbal abuse. I have taken responsibility ONLY for how I reacted to the abuse,(which was with more abuse!) I know now that THAT wasn't the right way! DUH!!!! Well, my husband has realized that after both of us having different affairs and me detaching from him, he had to change. He has changed. Dramtically. But it isn't easy. for him or me. We have been married 25 years and he and I are very educated people. I think this education is worthless, if he didn't change. AND I changed too. I didn't have him arrested but insisted that if he didn't go into anger management counseling and "own up to" his abuses toward me, the marriage was over. It was just what he really needed. He cried and realized that his life was about to change. He was either going to really face up to his own monsters and take total responsibility for the abuse he caused or he would be minus a family. He chose us. He has been in therapy for almost a year, and now we are stable enough to go through marriage counseling. It is a hard road and a long one. One of the things that has helped us both (believe it or not) has been reading "relationship rescue" yeah by Dr Phil. It has shown me what my role in the abusive relationship has been. We are reading it at the same time but are not discussing it together until we are both done. I know that all men are not willing to accept their roles in abuses, I really didn't want to accept mine either, but if you can get a man to attend therapy and to go to group anger management counseling, it is a HUGH step in the right direction. My problem is that if there are any ANGRY words between us, I panick and think it is all beginning again. I am learning to deal with setbacks on both our parts. I am happier and more peaceful with my relationship than I ever have been. I also take each day at a time. and we have more HONEST I'm sorries for smaller infractions-almost abusivenesses... a raised voice, a snippy remark. etc. Well just a little ray of hope for someone. They CAN change and so can you! Dr. Phil says it best. People CAN change and all is not hopeless, but you have to change too. take care and be well, everyone. Today will be a good one.

Peace, Elisa
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Old 06-09-2003, 12:37 PM
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Hi Elisa,

Thanks for your story. When I was with my ex-abusive boyfriend I poured myself into changing myself and he didn't change. Eventually I was doing the work for both of us and he was still an abusive, miserable bum. After I became suicidal twice I thought it might be a good idea to can him.

Yes people can change if THEY themselves see the need to change and congratulations you are one of the few lucky ones that their spouse is seeing there is a problem.

Ngaire
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Old 06-10-2003, 07:29 AM
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change

Yes people can change, and sometimes even for the better! LOL Well, I would suggest to people that if they demand that the person stop and they give them a fair amount of time to get help, and they don't change, GET OUT! don't give it another thought. I know how hard it is. BELIEVE ME... but we have to get to the point where you have to perserve yourself. your true mind, your true soul. or you have made the choice to live in hell. Once I realized I don't have to do this anymore, It stopped everything. AND he feels better too. It helped us both. I am just now learning how to deal with my own anger at him in an more constructive way. The difference is I am not angry much, it takes a lot to really anger me. SO it is much less a problem on a day to day basis. To all those abusers and abused people out there. Change is good. try it. everyone wins. Hugs Elisa
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