What is a healthy relationship?

Old 05-05-2002, 07:49 AM
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Post What is a healthy relationship?

I haven't had a relationship for 4 years now and I have been 2 years and 4 months sober(alcohol). Trouble is I am so scared to get into an unhealthy relationship I have all my walls up. Coming from a dysfunctional family where both parents are needy,manipulative "children", my sisters and I are still dealing with codependancy issues and addiction for me. I'm seeing red flags all over and I'm not sure what to do .I go to al-anon and aa but my "caretaker" patterns are still there.
I have a feeling I'm putting up too many barriers now but I find often that most men segue into relationships to find mothers. Am I being to harsh?
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Old 05-06-2002, 04:23 AM
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I think it's a good thing you are being careful right now. You recognize the problems ands patterns of your past and are not willing to settle for less. A bad relationhip is worse than no relationship at all.

I think what we all learn here and at our meetings, is to learn to love ourselves. FOr me, the hardest past is finding out WHO I am....never really thought about it before and when I started looking inward I found a stranger that I needed to get to know.

When we learn to love ourselves, we learn to recognize what is good for us and what is harmful, and we set up boundaries in our lives that allow us to stay healthy.

With that in place, we can see clearly who in our lives are good things for us, people who love us for who we really are and who contribute something good to our lives. We also can see clearly the people who cause us anxiety, who are looking for people to fulfill THEIR needs. It's a balance sometimes with give and take on both parts.

You sound pretty healthy to me and I know that when the time is right life just falls into place the way it is supposed to.


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Old 05-06-2002, 08:09 AM
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Thanks, Anns. I liked that line where you say people which cause us anxiety and those who look to fulfill their needs.
The funny thing is that I have dealt mostly with men who believe that money=having their needs taken care of.The lack of intimacy was frightening and this is also dealing with my self-esteem issues. I don't think I have ever feel lovable just for myself without having to project an image.
Best wishes
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Old 05-06-2002, 08:30 AM
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It is what it is!!!
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Tigergirl -
I agree with everything that Anns said. The person inside me was a complete stranger. And for me today with almost 7 years clean, I am in a relationship with the man that I used with. We are both clean, but we have to be careful sometimes it is easy to fall back into treating each other the way we used to. today, I tell me people, it is not okay to talk to me that way, or I cut the person out of my life that treats me disrespectful. We have to have respect for ourselves first and the others will treat us the same way.
I understand your fear and in my opinion it is perfectly normal. Patience is the key, a relationship will happen when it is supposed to happen. And just remember that you have to respect yourself first.
God Bless -
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Old 05-11-2002, 03:49 AM
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Hi Tigergirl, it sounds like in some ways we grew up in the same house. It has struck mme very close to home lately how little I knew about what a healthy relationship looked like. Recently a friend of mine in the counselling field gave me a model to look at. I would like to share this with you.
People in healthy relationships...
...Have fun together more often than not.
...Each enjoy spending time seperately, with their own friends, as well as with each other's friends.
...Always feel safe with each other.
...Trust each other.
...Are faithful to eachother if they have made this commitment.
...Support each other's individual goals in life, like educational or career gals.
...Respect each other's opinions even when they are different.
...Solve conflicts without putting each other down, cursing eachother or making threats.
...Both accept responsibility for their own actions.
...Both apologize when they are wrong.
...Have equal decision-making power about what you do in your relationship.
...Each have an equal say in financial matters.
...Are proud to be with eachother.
...Encourage each other's interests-like sports & leisure activities.
...Have some privacy-your letters, diary, personal phone calls are respected as your own.
...Have close friends and family who like the other person and are happy about the relationship.
...Never feel like you are pressured for sex.
...Communicate about sex, if relationship is sexual.
...Allow each other 'space' when you need it.
...Always treat each other with respect.

I hope that helped you out a little. I found this information extremely eye-opening when it came to me. I hope it was of service to you.

The lie is dead...We do recover!

Gettin' Better!
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Old 05-11-2002, 10:52 AM
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Oh so that's what it is. It is what I thought it would be too and I try to behave, with the help of the 12 steps, to act accordingly.I also think 12 stepping should be included in the school curicculum but hey,just my opinion.
The pain of self realization is just too much for most people.I have recently dealt with a problem I had posted in Alcoholism and really spoke frankly about my problem and how I dealt with it.Funny when your new patterrn of behaviour does no longer fit in with those people of old. I haven't heard from the said parties again.
Looking at your list and reading about it makes me again confirm my beleifs that two people or a group of people who decide to be together are by choice.However, there are not many of those out there who are secure enough in themselves to just let others be.
In fact,many people are quite threatened by my newfound serenity.Weird.
Thank you
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Old 01-03-2009, 11:19 AM
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You are smart to decipher which old friends are not really fitting into your life as they did. You are stronger now. Keep it up and your confidence will soar.
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Old 01-03-2009, 11:38 AM
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Both my husband and I are both in recovery. We speak the same language and use the steps, something that's now natural and instinctive for us. It was a little weird at the beginning. He wasn't used to a woman who didn't want to be showered with gifts and tokens of love--just love is fine, thank you--and I wasn't used to a man who didn't want a mother.

You already got a lot of good direction above. The only thing that I'll add is that a healthy relationship is devoid of fear. I couldn't have one until I surrendered the fear from my past relationships. It was poison to anything new.

Peace & Love,
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Old 01-03-2009, 01:56 PM
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My sponsor says a healthy relationship is not born out of need, i.e. don't want to be alone so get into a relationship.

She also says a good relationship is when 2 people walk along side each other which is a tough one for me as I tend to want to lead or follow!

I also think healthy relationships come out of relationships with many other people, rather than being just an exchange between just 2. In other words if the 2 people in the relationship aren't fostering healthy relationships else where, the love/romance relationship will burn out.

It's sort of like there's my life, there's his life and then there's our life type of thing. My tendency is to get caught up in the 'our life' which is the end result of our seperate lives, rather than the starting point.

Dunno if one ever 'get's over' the unhealthy patterns either. So far, since attending Al Anon and a more recent stint in SLAA ( I am also 10 years in AA) I've had to be content with steady improvement.
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Old 01-06-2009, 11:26 AM
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I would have to say that, right now for me, I see a healthy relationship as one in which each partner is fully committed to/involved in her/his own continued growth/healing/recovery and also to supporting the other person in hers/his...without worry or fear or need to control any of that so as to ensure that they grow and stay together but rather with faith that as long as each of them move forward along the path that HP has for him/her, individually and as a couple, everything will be what it needs to be and it will be good.

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