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And still another newbie (alcoholism/eating disorder)

Old 10-07-2002, 07:26 AM
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Merricat
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Smile And still another newbie (alcoholism/eating disorder)

Hi,

I'm not sure where to begin so I just wanted to say Hello. I'm 28 years old and started drinking when I was 13. I stayed drunk till I was 26, and then got sober for 2 years. Back in March, I chose to start drinking again, but decided to stop again in August and so I haven't drank since. On October 10th, I'll have 2 months sober. I've been to detox/rehab many times. Ironically, the biggest factor in helping me stay sober was my eating disorder, because once I sobered up, I just threw myself into that. The old switch addictions method. As of last week, I've decided I don't want an eating disorder anymore, so I'm not engaging in any self-destructive behaviors. Yikes! It's very nice, but I'm at loose ends because I'm honestly not sure where to go from here. I have very severe social phobia, and am on Paxil for it currently, but my problems with socializing makes reaching out very hard. I attended a few AA meetings, but groups just don't work for me. Still, I adhere to the philosophy and basic principles of AA because it's very much in-line with what I also believe and have found to be true of sobriety. I guess now I just want to know how to get busy living, and if there is anything that will fill the emptiness that used to be filled with drinking or calorie counting and binging/purging. My family and I aren't really close, and I have no friends in real time. Single, needless to say, and no significant other on the horizon. Nor am I looking. I do have one little black cat who is a pretty decent companion, and makes me laugh, but I think... um, I think I need a little more contact in my life than just my cat. I feel somewhat empty and cut off from humanity, and yet not really finding support because I no longer 'clearly need it.' But I'd still like to not be alone. And just feel that I really belong somewhere or have an actual purpose.

If you read this far, thank you, and I look forward to getting to know you all better.

-Merricat-
 
Old 10-07-2002, 08:24 AM
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It is what it is!!!
 
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Merricat -

Welcoem to the forum - this is a great place for fellowship and to learn about your disease.

Congrats on your 2 months, that is awesome. I understand your feelings of lonliness and wanting to connect with others, this is a great place to do it. I can only speak to you from my own experience which is through a 12 step program. Some people might tell you different here, but I would suggest that you try other meetings, maybe the few that you went to just were not for you. There are a couple meetings in my town that I don't care for so I go to different ones. 12 step work and meetings are what keeps me sober, this site is frosting on the cake of recovery for me (okay that was corny..ha ha ah) but it is true.

Would you even consider meetings? I understand trading one addiction for the other. Instead of using drugs now, I use food, but not like you, I eat. I am working on that now by attending more meetings and doing more 12 step work and listening to the advice of wonderful people on this site.

Keep posting, I am sure others will come along with there experience, strength and hope for you -
Keep coming back and don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle.
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Old 10-07-2002, 09:18 AM
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Morning Glory
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Hi Merricat,

Welcome to the forum.

I think the only way to handle the social phobia is to go to the same function over and over until the people feel safe and the place feels safe. The first few times are the hardest, but you can do it.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 10-10-2002, 12:17 PM
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Merricat,

Welcome to the forum. I definitely can relate to your social phobia fears. I just forced myself to go to meetings, and now I don't feel so uncomfortable anymore. We have to get out of our comfort zone in order to change.

One way to feel connected, and like your doing something with a purpose is volunteer work. I don't know what your interests are, but there are so many ways to get involved, and so many people that could use a little help.

Juls
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Old 10-21-2002, 07:27 AM
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Hi Merricat - good to see you here at long last!

and I hope you stick around....

Magic Rabbit (you know who I am, yes?!) xxxx
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Old 10-21-2002, 04:53 PM
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Ann
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Merricat

Just want to join the welcome wagon and say that I am glad you found us. Welcome to the family.
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Old 10-21-2002, 07:02 PM
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HI Merricat and welcome!

Way to go on your two months! Just wanted to add, at my last meeting with my shrink I was whining to her that I just wanted to be comfortable in my life. Well, she said there's no growth if you're always comfortable. If I'm tired of certain things in my life, how can I expect things to change if I keep doing them the same way, just b/c it's comfortable and it's what I'm used to?

So now, I'm trying to go out of my way to make myself uncomfortable. And hopefully I'll keep doing it until it becomes comfortable and I've replaced an old habit with a new, healthier one. And if that ever happens, then I can look forward to trading my newly discovered comfort zone for something else that's uncomfortable. Sheesh!

Sounds fun - NOT! Oh well, baby steps...

As others have said, try attending other meetings until you find one that you click with. I too have a hard time connecting with people, but I find that going to meetings and sharing with people who've gone through similar experiences makes me feel a lot less alone.
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Old 10-22-2002, 07:55 PM
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Welcome. They say, "Keep comin back!" At first I just knew they were talking to me cause it must have been written on my face I had to get outa there soon... HA... But I did find a group where I live I do feel comfortable. Unfortunately it wasn't the first place I went, but when you find a group that's a fit, you'll be so grateful you went. Addictive thinking is so hard to change, you can with a program and God. It's great to have you here. I look forward to hearing more from you.
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Old 10-24-2002, 07:11 AM
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I have not been at this very long, I have only posted to this site a few times...but the women here are special. It feels like a cozy place to let it all out.

No matter where you are in your life or recovery....it's always nice to reach out and touch someone...huh?? When I found this site, I felt really low...and although I haven't whipped the demons...I see a light at the end...and I am taking it one step at a time...just like you are...just like we all are.

Keep in touch...have a great day.
God bless you!!
Dee
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Old 10-25-2002, 12:33 PM
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Welcome Merricat, and big Congrats on your 2 months of soberity. In finding this forum you have entered the most caring, supportive and embracing bunch of recovering people I have ever met on line.

When I read your post I thought I was looking back into my life approx the age you are now. At that time I had gone threw what was thought to be the best, most posh, most expesive, part of the appeal to go there was there high percentage of people that went there and have remain sober. Hey I was game, nothing else had worked and I wouldn't mind a trip to Ariz. Threw my previous treatments I had only heard about alcoholics and drug addicts and of course the borderline personalty they threw in for free. But in the centers in Ariz, I was introduced to so many different types of addicts, like sex addict, gambling addict, eating disorders,survivers of incest, child of an alcoholic, adult child of an alcoholic, multiple personality disorder and I'm sure I'm forgetting some others. The small groups we attended we very intense, and painful for those working on their issues that particular group ANd to try and shorten this, by the end of my first week and part of the next when I introduced my self as we were encouraged to when we shared I was not only sayin Hi I'm steph and i'm an addict, I was adding a new addiction to my tag every day. Now when it was time for me to graduate, I was leaving there raw, confused and really overwhelmed with how sick and dysfunctional and at that time see no end to any of it. I sure you can relate to how sick that feeling of helplessness and how it invades our whole being if we let our guards down. Well I relapsed after three weeks with this guy I met in the parkinglot of the AA club. I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, doing anymood altering substance I could, my weight went down to 97 lbs and in a out of psych wards because of the insanity my disease had brought me to. When I finally was dealt a hand of which included the choice of going to prison for life or just killing myself , I didn't feel I had any more coming back, but you know what my H.P had a different plan. When I was at the beginning of what I believed was my last chance to ever regaining my sanity and living a better life I put a lot limitations and recalled some of those labels I picked up and without a second thought I molded myself to fit into these lables. I was stagnent bacause of all of the fears and tapes I had played in my head over and over again of what I was and all that was wrong with me and the poor mes. I can't, or I won't that came along with the package. I work in a very demanding field that requires much interaction with the clients After work I would go home to my basement apartment, with my 2 cats, not look out the window, actually I don't ever remember opening the blinds. I wouldn't invite anyone in nor did I go anywhere except to work and get food. I lived there for 4 yrs not even thinking there was anythin wrong with how I lived. I met a new therapist who chipped away the years of used and abuse and taught me about me being responsible for each and evrything I choose to say, do , how i act, and he put the responsiblity of my coming back out of the insanity and pit I had constructed. That's right, he put that word that I had never spoken, or acted on, responsibilty personal that is. And out of all of this what I'm tring to say is, if there's anyway possible, don't let yourself or another ever get in the way of what the primary day by day journey in to the best this program, meetings, online AA, chat or for, that is a life free from alcohol, drugs or any mood altering substance that can as fast as a blink of the eye take the hopes of the promises coming true for you. I not saying all of this because I don't feel your issues are not real, I'm almost positive they are as real as life to you. Don't give up, keep coming back, one minute at a time if thats what it takes. Put forth the extra efort to find the right group for your needs.
I'm very grateful that you have made it here and keep on posting.

Have a peaceful day
Stephanie
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Old 10-25-2002, 05:29 PM
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welcome merricat

congrats and welcome to the forum. I can only speak for my self, i once had 7 years of meetings meetings meetings, and then relapsed i too have a personality disorder, and i am currently on zoloft. I have 14 months back and i have never been better. I make lots of meetings, I need people in my life. there is so much that aa meetings can teach u if u are willing and open> give it a try, a day at a time. I have seen lots of people come into the rooms who never shared anything at first and now we can't get them to shut up, lol. with therapy, medication, and meetings, your whole world will change.we have choices that make our lifes. We can stand still and do nothing, or take a risk. take that risk sweety, and beyond ur wildest dreams things will happen, a step at a time. keep in touch with me
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Old 10-25-2002, 06:21 PM
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Merricat, Stephanie and all

I've just read through all the posts here and feel so at home already. I just joined this forum yesterday. I've been isolating a lot lately. I've got 11 years sober and during that time have gone from one thing to the other to replace the alcohol and drugs and I've gained a lot of experience of what works. Yet, I still can lose the willingness to do the things I know that work. I've tried every combination of the AA program. Meetings without reading the book or a sponsor, the bigbook and no meetings, etc etc etc. Right now it's not many meetings, no reading of the big book--I guess I just try to test grace. I really got a lot out of Stephanie's post. Thank you. And Merricat, I can surely identify with where you're at too. It's so difficult to take that first step, but as others have said, once I do take that first step to do something different, something that will improve my life and give me peace of mind, the second and subsequent steps are easier. I have four cats right now and they're my company most of the time. Thank God for them because they give me something to show love to on a daily basis. I have a grown daughter and two grandchildren and I see them a couple of times a week. I work in a job that consists of helping people in need and that fulfills me as well--to a degree. But the depression and isolation I feel comes back as soon as I enter my house at the end of a workday. I meant to go to a meeting tonight, but didn't. I hope to tomorrow morning. I called my sponsor, she wasn't home, so I decided to come here and I'm glad I did. This forum has given me more hope than I would have had had I not found it. It has simply improved my life today and given me more hope.
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