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can you relate

Old 09-03-2002, 07:23 PM
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Unhappy can you relate

Well, I'm sorry to say, I'm so afraid of being on my own, and actually being succesfull in this business opportunity that has presented itself, that I have started using with a vengenance. I know am sabotaging myself. What is wrong with me that I cannot deal with the prospect of some happiness and success in my life. This behavior pattern is not new to me, I've done it before, although not through drug use.

Anxiety and fear triggered me, and right now I feel so hopeless and discouraged. I don't know what to do to build myself up, and get past this. I am supposed to be setting up and starting next week, which of course I cannot do using.

If anyone else has experienced something like this and has any advice for me I would greatly appreciate it. Sorry for dissapointing everyone.

Juls
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Old 09-03-2002, 08:05 PM
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Juls

The only person you have disappointed is yourself. And you recognize that you are not in a good place right now.

I don't know what you are using, but put your business on hold for now, and get yourself some help. Detox, if need be and do whatever you have to do. Reach out and there will be a hundred hands to help you through this. But you have to make the first move, and I think you have already done that by sharing here.

You know the drill...Think of what you would reply to someone else posting this. Then do it - you're worth it.

And just know that we care and love you.
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Old 09-03-2002, 08:36 PM
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Juls darlin' - no-one is disappointed in you. I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. I don't know what you're using, don't know if it really matters. The important thing is that through your past experience you are able to see what is going on and what is driving you to hurt yourself. When you went through detox in the past, was there someone who helped you and who you can turn to again to help you now? If there is, please do whatever it takes to reach out for their help. Please don't feel embarrassed to ask, or feel that you are disappointing them. If there is no-one close to you that you can talk to, then talk to us here. We love you and will help you all we can. Juls, you are an amazing woman who has survived so much, and you can survive this too. Keep checking in as others will also be along with help. I will be thinking of you.

Love and hugs.
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Old 09-03-2002, 09:12 PM
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Juls,

You need to stop using before you can deal with the other emotions. Can you get to meetings? Do you have a support group? Read the relapse prevention thread on the NA board. Do you have a sponsor? Sounds like your having a panic attack which can be very frightening.

Try to take some kind of action so you don't feel so hopeless and helpless. Go to a meeting.

Having your own business is not harder than working for someone else. You can do it Juls. Talk about your fears here. Working is the same as living. You take it one day at a time. I'm always petrified before I start a new job. I always tell myself that in two weeks it will be ok. It always takes about two weeks. You can handle two weeks of insecurity.

Your mind is making it a lot bigger than it is. Talk back to your negative thoughts. Talk positive to yourself. You have what it takes to do this Juls. Replace your fear with faith. I know this is all hard to do, but give it a try.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-04-2002, 06:03 PM
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MG,

I do suffer from anxiety, and panic attacks. I also have a terrible fear of failure. I always want to look good in front of others, so I'll put on a front that i'm more together than I am. Usually people have the impression that I do have my life and myself under control which is usually, I feel, far from the truth. Even before I became addicted two years ago, I don't know if I handled my life and my problems all that well. I don't know. It's very hard for me to have any sort of objective opinion of myself.

I do suffer from low self-esteem. I'm terrifed to be totally on my own, and totally responsible for myself. I could never live up to my mother. Even though she was an alcoholic, and very abusive to me, in the eyes of others she had it all together.

I've been having so many emotions and feelings I don't know how to handle, that I turned back to the one thing that I know gives me relief, and numbs me. Not that it really matters, but I abuse pain medication. I've never liked to drink or do anything else, but when I take that pain medication, it gives me a false sense of security, and makes me feel like I can accomplish what I need to accomplish. I feel what I think is "normal."

It's so hard for me to talk to others and let them know the real me, because I fear they won't like me. I hate to show my weaknesses and admit my shortcomings. I hate feeling like I've disappointed others. Like now. Even though people here only know me via the board, and not one-on-one, I'm still afraid of rejection by admitting what I've done by using again. It's as if I don't acknowledge it, I can pretend the problem isn't really there.

There are very few people in my life that know I have this problem, because I am afraid what people will think of me. My life is like one big secret. My husband doesn't even know I've been using.

This is my first day of detoxing, and I am trying to tell myself positive thoughts. That I am a good person, that I can be healthy, and that I can live my life drug free. I went to a meeting yesterday, and am going to one this evening. There is a club for AA, and NA, where they have meetings through-out the day, and a room where you can just hang out. I will spend as much time there as I can, when I don't have to be doing other things. When I am alone by myself, that is not good.

I haven't had any luck with getting a sponsor. It is so hard for me to talk to someone face to face. I just clam up, and my mind goes blank. The two women I approached before said they were willing, but they seemed so busy, they didn't have any time to spend with me.

Maybe it is too much to ask, but I would really like a sponsor who could spend some time with me. Go out for tea or coffee, someone I could just hang out with.

If anyone could give me some feedback on this I would really appreciate it. In both cases I was told to call every day and check in, which I did for over a week, but never received a return call. I thought that the sponsor would invite me to go to meetings with them, but they didn't. Someone else told me to go after my sponsor like I would go after my drugs, but I'm so intimidated by trying to initiate contact with someone, that after a couple of weeks without getting any encouragement, I just gave up.

In the meetings I've been to, I hear it said that the newcomer is the most important, but when I've gotten up and introduced myself as being new in recovery, and asking for phone numbers, I have only been approached twice after a meeting by another female who gave me her number. The women't meetings I've gone to feel like a clique, and I don't know how to fit in.

Even though I don't drink, I've gone to AA meetings with my brother, and they seem much friendlier. I was thinking of attending AA meetings, but I've heard that AA people don't like NA people, and I can't qualify myself as an alcoholic since I don't drink.

Well I know I'm just rambling on here. I will try to stay in touch every day, so someone knows what's going on.

I don't mind any kind of feed back. I need all the constructive criticism I can get.

Thank you,

Juls
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Old 09-04-2002, 06:28 PM
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Juls

It sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job trying to get yourself back on track. My hat is off to you.

As for the sponsor, just keep asking and tell them up front that you would like to spend some time with them. Don't feel rejected if it takes a few tries. Some people can only sponsor for brief periods each week and some even do it mostly by phone, particularly if they have children or can't get out much. This has nothing to do with you, so it isn't you that is being rejected, it just isn't a good fit. My she-devil sponsor is a sweetheart, and we do a lot of our work just before or just after a meeting and often on the phone. That works for both of us.

Just do the best you can - and you seem to be doing good things for yourself already.
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Old 09-04-2002, 08:46 PM
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Juls,

I'm so glad you are being honest. I love it when people are honest. It shows their real beauty. I have posts on this board that make me think I must have been crazy to share all of that, but then I think oh who cares. It's the truth.

You're having a lot of anxiety and emotions that seem to be controling you right now. You can learn to manage your emotions. I think the first step is acceptance. Don't put yourself down for the way you feel. Accept yourself if you can. Don't fight your emotions, accept them. Try not to add second fear to your anxiety. This is when you are afraid of the anxiety so you add fear to fear until it's huge.

When I was first faced with taking care of myself I was so afraid and didn't think I could do it. I think that is a very normal reaction. I get so afraid before I start a new job. I think that's a normal reaction. The truth is whether we know it or not we talk ourselves into these fears. We could just as easily say oh this will be great. I can't wait to try this, etc..... It's all about learning to change our reaction. We need to change our reaction toward ourselves and our circumstances. It takes a lot of talk and a lot of practice.

I don't know if you've talked to a doctor, but the anti anxiety medication really help. I started prozac and see a big difference and I hear zoloft is very good. They really help take the edge off until you learn to raise your coping skills. I also found that self awareness and learning truth freed me from most of my negative emotions. Most of my negative emotions were because I was living in deception. It takes time to discover who you are and why you feel the way you do. There is a reason to all this madness.

You have a lot of work to do and being honest is a huge step. Acceptance is a huge step too. Each thing you accomplish will add to your self esteem. Don't stop. Make a decision to do what you need to do no matter how you feel. Learn relaxation tecniques. Learn to stop and relax. Pernell posted a great excercise using a bullseye on the GR board somewhere. Do a search and see if you can find it.

You can go into the chat room and create a private room and go in and vent and use it for a journal. I go in and talk to myself all the time and I find it so relaxing.

You can do this Juls, I know you can.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-05-2002, 11:44 AM
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Yes Juls I can relate!

Juls.... first things first..... put down whatever you are using and get to a meeting. I am in AA and we just love NA people.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict..... I used all kinds of drugs with and without the booze. I couldn't take care of me when I was using.... I had lost the ability to choose not to use....how could I possibly take care of anything else when the number one priority in my life was getting what I needed to be able to use.

FIRST THINGS FIRST..... get to a meeting, get a sponsor, sit and listen, identify and do not compare. Juls, you can do it....I know you can.... I know you can because I did it Juls.

Just keep coming no matter what Juls.....and its ok to be afraid... DO IT ANYWAYS

Love
Patsy
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Old 09-05-2002, 11:47 AM
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I don't know how it ever got this far. I mean to the point where I don't know how to deal with myself and my life without using drugs. I have become so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, and then I think, maybe I never did. I'm 47 years old, and I'm having to learn how to really grow up.

How come you ladies aren't telling me what an idiot I am for screwing up.

It shouldn't be that difficult I think. Go through a day without drugs. So where does all the anxiety come from. My life is not that bad. I have my health, there are people who care about me, I'm not homeless, I have a really amazing daughter. Why am I so hell bent on taking my own self down. I just want to wake up and have it all be better.

MG, I've had an anxiety problem for a good deal of my adult life. It runs in my family. Mother suffered from it, and brother does too. I've been on Paxil and trazodone for over ten years. It might be that I should change from Paxil to something else, but the trazodone helps me with sleep. It's not a tranquilizer though, it's an anti-depressant.

Anytime something stressful is going on my generalized anxiety can get really intense. I listen to these tapes put out by this woman "Lucinda Bassett." It's a really good program. I've recommended it here, but I hear they're very expensive now. I bought them ten years ago, and they were pretty reasonable.

I used to think when I was younger that I would eventually get over all this, but now I think I'll be living with it for the rest of my life. I also think that now since I'm starting to pre-menopausal symptoms that it is getting more intense.

Well this is day two of detoxing. I will keep in touch.
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Old 09-05-2002, 06:06 PM
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Hey Juls -

I am sorry that I did not see this thread two days ago when you first posted.

I am so proud of you for getting it out in the open. I can only repeat what everyone else has said. You are in the right direction, you stopped using and are working on not using again.

I use food to deal with my stress and anxiety (yes, I know I need to work on that). But I want to explain something to you. I understand completely your feelings about how it is difficult to find a sponsor and you feel out of place and some meetings. But the meetings are there for you too. Have you ever heard anyone say in a meeting that they earned the seat they were sitting in, well you earned one to and it is yours.

As for a sponsor, you need to keep asking people, you will find one. Tell them what you need. Write it down if you have to and hand them a note and in the note explain that you have a hard time expressing how you feel, but you are in need of help. Working the steps with someone will help you during times like this. I have been clean only because of God and the steps. The steps gave me to tools I needed to not use. They are the steps to freedom from addiciton they are the steps we take to recover. They will help you so much in your life, I promise.

It is scary I know it is. But you can do it. I (we) are right there with you in your heart.

I hate to think that you are feeling so sad inside. You are such a wonderful honest, giving person. Give some of that back to yourself.

As for AA or NA. I have never had a problem with alcohal either, I always put it down to use my drug of choice. But if I started drinking today, I would be an alcohalic, cause I am an addict. And addict is an addict. I have been in AA meetings before where they only wanted you to refer to yourself as an alcohalic not an addict, so that is what I did. I earned my seat in that room also. An addict is an addict I don't care what you DOC is.

You are doing great, keep it up. Detox is not easy, we know that.
I am serious about the writing note thing, it is okay to do that. Write down what you have told us here and hand it to someone at a meeting. Explain why you wrote it, she will understand, I am sure.

Okay I will stop rambling now. I care for you so much Juls, care for yourself and take the steps to get better.
Love - Pauline
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Old 09-05-2002, 07:26 PM
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Pauline,

Thank you for your concern, especially considering what you are going through right now.

I went to an accupuncturist, and she put this little thing in my ear, called a "seed," for anyone that is familiar with accupuncture. It is supposed to help with addiction and withdrawal. When I'm feeling cravings I massage the little seed in my ear.

It's not being sick for a few days that's hard for me, it's the terrible anxiety I experience when I try to think about how I am going to handle my life. How am I going to make it from one day to the next. How will I provide for my daughter.

I know that I am my own worst enemy. I overwhelm myself with useless worries. I have to keep telling myself to just focus on what's happening in the moment. Do I need to get my daughter from school, I need to get her dinner, homework, get ready for bed.

The worst time is at night when I lay down myself to go to sleep. that's when all the fears and anxieties just come over me in waves. I've had a sleep disorder for many, many years. When I was younger I could handle it better. If I only slept two or three hourse a night, it didn't affect me very much. Now, when that happens I feel terribly ill the next day. So I have all this anxiety about going to sleep, which of course makes it harder for me to sleep. I use a relaxation tape to listen to at night which helps, and there a homeopathic remedy I can recommend that is also helpful. It is called "Calms Forte," and I get it at Whole Foods.

My psych Dr. has prescribed valium for me, but I very rarely ever take that. Maybe a few times a year. I have to be having a really overwhelming panic attack before I take that medication.

I know that they say an addict is an addict, and that there are always yets, however I do not like taking tranquilizers, nor do I like drinking. I've never enjoyed the feeling of alcohol. Although if it made me feel the way pain killers do, I know it would be a different story.

I am an addict however, and I don't need to try to qualify myself, or lie to myself, that I'm not so bad off since I only have a one substance addiction.

I AM AN ADDICT, I WILL ALWAYS BE AN ADDICT, THERE IS NO CURE FOR ADDICTION, ONLY TOTAL ABSTINANCE IS THE ANSWER TO HELP ME GET BETTER.

You know, sometimes I feel so stupid, and I've stopped posting on the NA board, because Pernell has all this incredible information about addiction and how it works, but when I try to read it, I just don't understand some of it, and I don't want to sound stupid by asking questions. Also I would be embarassed for Pernell to know I slipped. That's why I only post here now.

I've said more here in the past few days, than since I signed on here. Thanks for listening.

Juls
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Old 09-05-2002, 07:59 PM
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Juls

I can relate to the anxiety thing at night. that was always my worst time too, because I had nothing else to distract me.

Something I do, and it works for me, is I think of a pleasant place from my childhood, and take a visual tour, remembering every little detail as much as I can. And I stay focused no matter what else tries to work it's way into my head.

I often choose my grandmother's house...and I start at the front door, look at the wallpaper in her hall and pictures, go into her parlour (yes she actually had a parlour LOL), and I visualize everything in that room and I continue as I go through her house. Often this will rekindle a warm memory of the good times I had visiting her, and all of this keeps my mind someplace good, not spinning in turmoil.

I rarely make it through her whole house before I fall asleep. And it is a lot more interesting than counting sheep...who the heck thought up THAT one.

Try it. Sweet dreams.
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Old 09-05-2002, 08:02 PM
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Juls,

Be aggressive with your doctor and tell him the medication is not working. Valium is addictive. That's not the answer. There are other non addictive medications for anxiety. The paxil is not working. You wouldn't have this much anxiety if the medication was working.

I know how hard it is to suffer through the emotions you're feeling. It takes all of your strength. Most of the time you feel like you're crazy. You're not crazy and your not stupid. You have terrible anxiety.

Get to the doctor and make him help you. If he doesn't help find a doctor who knows what he's doing. Try to fall asleep at night watching a pleasant TV program. Something that takes your mind off of things.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-06-2002, 01:16 AM
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Morning Glory,

I replied to your private message, but I had to delete some out since the message can only be 3000 characters. I guess I had a little more to say than that. LOL

Thank you for reaching out to me. It is very difficult for me to reach out to others and open up, and I've just started doing it on these boards. It actually feels o.k., but I don't want to come across as some pity case.

I have Kaiser, and they don't offer any individual counseling, unless it's on an emergency short term message.

I am too ashamed to tell my Dr. I am an addict, and I am afraid of being labeled in their system as an addict. Then every Dr. there knows about it. It's not just private between you and your primary care. I think I mentioned in my reply that I live in San Jose. I know there are groups for incest survivors, but I am afraid of going to these meetings, hearing other peoples' stories of abuse, and having emotions and memories triggered. I know there is alot I have blocked out. I worry that I might get so over-whelmed that I would have a break-down, or that I'll start remembering horrible things that I have blocked from my mind.

I have a big fear of going crazy. My mother totally fell apart when I was young, and I remember how terrifed I was and how I didn't understand what was happening to her. I remember that she used to sit and stare out the window all day, every day, and just cry and cry. If I would try to go up to comfort her (I was around six or seven), she would just tell me to get the hell away from her and leave her alone. I think I thought that it must be my fault that she was like this, and that I never wanted to be like that.

I am going to meetings though, and will keep trying to find a good sponsor for myself. I have thought about talking to my Psych Dr., about another medication besides Paxil. I'm afraid of side affects though. But I just can't let my fears just get in the way, and keep me from getting some kind of help. I just have to force myself.

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Old 09-06-2002, 04:19 AM
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Hi ((((((((((((Juls)))))))))))))

Juls stay in the moment,... keep this as simple as possible.

I remember the committee in my head coming out big time when I decided to put down booze and drugs. Juls...FIRST THINGS FIRST!

Juls.... if you believe in anything bigger than yourself or if you do not, then please borrow my Higher Power.... and then get down on your knees and ask this Higher Power to help you .... to help you get to a meeting, to help you to pick up the phone and call someone who is in the program, ... ask this Power to take your fears and thoughts and just come with you to the meeting.

Juls.... this disease tells us so many things to keep us off balance and frightened. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful.

Juls.... there is a Power greater than this disease..... I would suggest getting down on your knees and asking this Power for help, for this one day......and then get up and get to a meeting.

God Bless you Juls, I remember being right where you are at.... and its ok hon... it really is ok. Just put one foot in front of the other and DON'T THINK.... just ask a Power greater than you for help, then get to a meeting and ask for help.... get some phone numbers while at this meeting so that when the committee comes out yacking in your head, you will have people in this program to call and talk..... this helps so much Juls with our fears.

FEAR .... False-Evidence-Appearing-Real

Its ok Juls to reach out for help..... there are many people at face to face meeting who will be so happy to reach back and take your hand and help you. Keep coming Juls..... cause you are worth it!!

(((((((((((((((((((((Juls))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))
Congrats on your two days ..... remember, one foot in front the other and move forward

Love you
Patsy

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Old 09-06-2002, 06:36 AM
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Patsy,

You are so right about not thinking, just putting one foot in front of the other and doing.

You are also giving me good advice when you say to get on my knees and pray, and then get up and go to a meeting. I will be doing exactly just that. I do believe in a higher power, but I don't always remember to acknowledge him. I know there are times when I've woken up at night full of anxiety, and if I talk to God (as I choose to call my HP) out loud and pray, I am almost instantly relieved of my anxiety. I hadn't remembered that this time yet, so thank you for reminding me.

Today I will try not to beat myself up for falling, and do something constructive to help myself.

Juls
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Old 09-06-2002, 07:23 AM
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Hey Juls -

Everyone is giving you such great advice. Take it just one step at a time.

You mentioned meetings for incest survirors, that sounds great. I also wanted you to know that during my years of NA meetings, I have heard dozens of people talk about their situations regarding incest and molesting in meetings. Again, I am going to preach to you that the steps will help you deal with these things.

I believe in my heart that God does not give us more than we can handle. I did not remember being molested until about 2 years ago or so. I did not remember it during my first years of recovery because I could not have handled it then. God brought those memories to light for me when I was strong enough to handle them. So if you have those memories, you are strong enough to handle them.

And my mother (who is still alive) also went through things. She had a nervous breakdown when I was in maybe 6th grade or so. I watched her too Juls. I watched her go through terrible things and sometimes I fear that too. I understand what you mean.

Take it one minute and a time today Juls. Just stop and breath in and out and listen to your heart, that is where God will be speaking from. Don't listen to your head, that is where your disease lives.

We all love you (((JULS)))
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Old 09-06-2002, 09:12 AM
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Hi Guys,

I just want to relieve your fears about nervous breakdowns. We didn't have the resources back then that are available now. There were no anxiety medications and Panic attacks and anxiety and PTSD were not known at that time.

There is so much more available now. I had a couple of nervous breakdowns in my youth and I survived them and lived to tell about them. It doesn't happen like that anymore because they have ways to manage anxiety and depression now. I suffered for 20 years and now I see the same thing happen to others and they get out it very quickly because of the new meds and therapy tecniques.

Anxiety creates false fears. Relax and breathe and step away from the thoughts.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-06-2002, 11:39 AM
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(((((((((((Juls)))))))))))))

God is so good, and I am so happy to hear that you will be going to a meeting....right after you get up off your knees from talking to God

Love to you Juls
Patsy
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Old 09-06-2002, 11:48 AM
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Pauline, Preach on Girl, my ears are wide open.

I am telling myself to slow down, and just deal with what's at hand. I an telling myself not to think past the present moment, not to even worry about an hour from now. I am also setting a goal for myself everyday. To attend a meeting.

MG, you are right, there is so much more availble these days. I have to learn to stop the negative voices, the committee as it's called, in my head. I have to fill myself with positive thoughts, especially when I am feeling anxious.

Do you ever wake up with just a knot of fear in your stomach? I hate that. It's not like a normal relaxed waking up, it's as if I've been jolted from sleep, I'm wide awake with this knot of fear in my stomach. It definitely gets me up and out of bed. LOL

My brother suffers from the same thing. He is so much better now, but years ago he was totally non-functional from his anxiety dis-order.

One of my problems is that I do not like to leave my house. I'm not afraid of leaving, but I really don't like to. I could stay in my house for days and not go out. Obviously I do go out, I take my daughter to school, pick her up, go shopping, meetings, etc. But I like to hide from people, that way I don't have to interact with them. I overcompensate many times in that because I am afraid of talking to people, I end up being overly friendly with people. People find it hard to believe that I have a hard time socializing.

Like right now, this Saturday is my son's company picnic. He always gets tickets for us to go. It's a very nice event and they lots of things for kids to do like pony rides, and arts and crafts.

I do go, but I don't like it. I am forced to socialize with strangers for a period of several hours. I always try to think of ways to get out of it, but in the end I go for my daughter. Alot of what I do is for my daughter, or because of her. If it wasn't for her and needing, and of course wanting, to take care of her, I might have fallen alot further down than I have. I would probably just let myself go and become some kind of eccentric hermit.

You all have given me alot of good advice, and it's good just to talk here too.

Juls
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