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can you relate

Old 09-06-2002, 02:57 PM
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((((Juls))))
There's not much more that I can add here -- everyone has had such wonderful advice.

Just know that I am with you through all your pain and suffering -- and that I love you -- no matter what.
Hugs from Sylvry
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Old 09-07-2002, 08:36 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I can relate. I am just getting right with myself after having been out for a few months. I have been in AA and NA for many years, I came in in 82, I finally put together 10 years of cont sob in 01. Then I had surgery for 2 herniated cervical disks. I was in a lot of pain. As soon as the drug hit my bloodstream I feel I was off and running. Now I know I was not at all prepared for the surgery. I became dishonest overnight. I hated myself instantly. But.. I could not seem to put them down. I abused pain killers and began getting scripts from diff doctors and diff phramacies. I was in a nightmare. My relationship suffered, my job suffered, but yet I put blinders on took drugs and kept going. I don't think I need to tell you how awful it is. I believe any addict knows. It was awful, just awful...

FINALLY I woke up one morning and I was so depressed I could barely go to work. This was last week. I had not taken anything for 3 weeks and knew I was either going to try to get more or get straight. I tryed to get more, and I could not. God was doing for me what I could not do for myself.
That night I went back to my NA group and got honest and picked up a white keytag. I instantly felt at home again. I felt safe, alive, grateful to have made it back into the doors of safety.
I had one more conversation to have to begin making things right and that was with my partner of almost 10 years.
I did that last night. That was probably the hardest thing for me to do, but I knew if I wanted to have an honest and open relationship I had to. After having an open and honest relationship it is very hard to go back to not having one. I feel as though I am risking alot right now, and it is something I must do. I know how you feel. I feel as though I try to sabatoge myself also, but you know what .. when I was doing the right thing consistantly, I mean going to meetings working honestly, putting one foot in front of the other, I wouod always say to myself "This is not enough" "I need to do more" Make More" " BE More". This is my disease in the core of me that will kill me emotionally if I do not work on getting rid of those old tapes.
I feel my relationship will work out, my job is ok, and I have more than I need to do the next right thing. I beleive that you do also.
We do have the strength, it at times feels as though we do not, but WE DO!!!!
My heart goes out to you, please take care of yours.
Paula
 
Old 09-07-2002, 09:23 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Hi Juls - I've been following your posts and I'm so glad that you are able to open your heart and let everyone in to help you through this very difficult time in your life. Everyone has so much love and excellent adivce to give. You are going to get through this Juls, one day at a time.

I read in one of your posts that you have been on Trazodone and Paxil for over 10 years. I think it was MG who said that your meds might not be working and I agree. It could be that the efficacy of the medications has worn off, as can often happen with longterm use of a medication. You also mentioned that you have been prescribed Valium. I too have had my problems with depression and anxiety and I was prescribed Paxil for a couple of years. You may want to talk to your doctor about changing your meds. Zoloft is a very good antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication and it has had excellent results and it is very easy to come off. However, if you do make a switch, DON'T stop the Paxil suddenly - you need to wean yourself off slowly. Also, you're sort of getting a double whammy with the Trazodone as it works as both an antidepressant and also helps with sleep. But it is an "older" medication and there are "better" meds out there that your doctor could prescribe for you. I had a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication called Ativan (it may be marketed under a different name in the States) which I found very helpful. It is taken as-needed in a very small dose (either 0.5 mg or 1 mg). It worked very well without feeling like I'd been knocked out. As far as I know, neither Zoloft or Ativan are addictive. I too would be leery about taking Valium, which again is an older drug and there are definitely better medications out there. I understand your reluctance to take medications, but you have to remember that an anxiety disorder/depression is an illness that needs to be treated, just like any other illness. So do whatever you have to do to help you through this time. Also, here in Vancouver there is a Sleep Disorders Clinic and there may be something similar in your area that might be helpful for you as you have been having problems with sleep for many years. I don't need to tell you how important sleep is for you, especially at this time in your life. You'd also mentioned that you were wondering about being perimenopausal (and being around the same age as you I know I don't like to think about it), but you can get a blood test done to check your hormone levels to see if they are a little bit out of whack. Sometimes your hormone levels can play havoc with your physical and emotional well being (right, ladies? )

Keep in mind, Juls, that although you weren't happy in your marriage, it was your routine and what you were familiar with on a daily basis. You have made a major life change recently and the way that you defined yourself and your life is all different now. You will also be going through the process of grieving over the loss of your marriage, even though you know that you made the right decision.

Keep doing the updates, Juls. We all care for you very much.

Love and hugs.

Last edited by margo; 09-07-2002 at 09:40 AM.
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Old 09-07-2002, 02:02 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Margo -
Ativan is a benzodiazapene -- like Xanax or Valium or Librium. It is VERY addictive.
Beware!
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Old 09-07-2002, 03:14 PM
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Hi SylvryMoon - I stand corrected! My doctor told me they were not addictive, so it really does go to show how careful we need to be . I took them as-needed and never had any problem. However, I guess they could be abused, just like anything else.

Love and hugs.
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Old 09-09-2002, 09:12 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Last night was very difficult for me. I felt I was going to come out of my skin if I didn't go and get something. For once I was able to just let go and experience these feelings of frustration, fear, and anxiety.

I went to a meeting, I can't say it relieved my feelings, but at least it was doing something positive for myself. I came home and got myself into bed. I didn't sleep well, but this morning I am feeling better, not so crazed.

I am going to a meeting at 10. It is an AA meeting, which since I don't drink I'm a little apprehensive about, but I don't care. I need the help, I need to be around recovery. Then at 12 noon is an NA meeting, and I will go to that also. I'll go to meetings all day if I have to to keep my mind of off running amuck and getting pills.

Juls
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Old 09-09-2002, 10:13 AM
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Juls -

You are doing great - you are putting yourself in a safe place (meeting) when you need to be.

I am praying for you and am right next to you holding your hand.
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Old 09-09-2002, 01:01 PM
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Hi Ya (((((((((((Juls))))))))))))))))

You are doing great No one said we would feel comfortable in our skin immediately.... in fact its in the "keep coming" and sharing that we begin to feel apart of again. Juls, put one foot in front of the other.....and keep coming.... and do not forget to get phone numbers and raise your hand to share if you are able. If not, then ask a woman there if you can talk with her. The promises are there Juls.... just keep coming, working this program and they materialize.....thats a promise

Love to you Juls.... here is a big hug and please remember that YOU ARE WORTH IT ((((((((((((((((JULS))))))))))))))))))))

Patsy
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Old 09-09-2002, 01:08 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Juls,

I'm so glad you are going to the meetings. I know it's hard to be around people when you have anxiety. Get through each day until it gets easier.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-09-2002, 08:37 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I went to the three meetings today. I shared at two of them. I got phone numbers at all three, and have made committments to meet people at other meetings this week.

Tonight I'm feeling very sick physically. Again feelings of fear, frustration, anxiety, irritability. I know I have to walk through these feelings to get to the other side. If I use again, these feelings and worse will just be waiting for me.

I will check in again tomorrow.

Thank you everyone for your concern and help.

LOVE,

juls
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Old 09-10-2002, 04:34 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I woke up at 3:30 this morning. I hate that. I think I got about five hours sleep. It's 4:30 right now, and I'm waiting to go to a 6 a.m. meeting, then I will go to one right after that at 7:30, then I will come home to see if I can sleep for a little bit.

One of the worst things for me is not getting enough sleep. I really start to feel as though I'm losing my mind. I still feel sick this morning, I'm still having withdrawals, but I know they'll go away in a few more days and I will start feeling better.

When I lay down at night, I repeat a little mantra to myself: I am a good person, I am healthy, I can live drug free.

Last night my daughter and I said our prayers together. I prayed to God to lift from me the obsession to use, to show me how to have faith, and how to turn my will and my life over to him.

Having a strong will has always been one of my strong points in life. If I didn't have a strong will, I wouldn't have been able to endure an abusive childhood. It helped me survive. Now, it serves to weaken me. My will tells me I can go use a little bit to ease my withdrawal symptoms. What kind of insane thinking is that. LOL

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Old 09-11-2002, 06:34 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I didn't make it to the 6 am. meeting yesterday. I was feeling so awful, but 5, from not getting enough sleep, that I didn't feel safe to drive. So I went back to bed. I did go to a noon meeting, and a women's meeting at 8 last night.

The noon meeting is an AA meeting at an Alano club, and not meaning to sound judgmental, this is really a motley crew at this place. But that's why I like it. It's a humbling experience for me, and I need that. I got up a shared, and that was good for me too.

One thing I've become aware of, or that I've already known is that I am a very impatient person. I'm the kind of person, when I have to learn something new, I want to get straight to the point, go to the head of class, be the first to know.

When I was in college, I heard that people that sit in the front row make the higher grades. I always sat in the front row, and I do this at meetings too.

However, in school, I hated long boring lectures. I didn't want to hear the instructor ramble, just tell me the meat of what I need to know so I can ace the next test. Many times I didn't even go to classes, I never got to know my classmates, and any course that I could challenge I did.

I don't want to have this attitude in recovery. I notice already that I'm impatient for the meeting to start, that I get bored listening to all the preamble of why we are here, the 12 steps and traditions, I think I've heard this all before, just get to the chair and get on with the meeting. Then if the chair isn't very interesting, I'm bored looking at the clock, thinking about leaving early.

However, I have found that by staying through every meeting, I have always heard something that applies to me. I don't want to take the same approach to learning about recovery that I did in college. I want to be there, and I do make it a point to be there on time, and stay for the whole meeting. I have been introducing myself to women, and getting phone numbers. I have never done this before. Before I would barely go to a meeting a week, and this time I am going to two and three a day.

I feel like I have to get this, there is no other way for me, except back the way I came.

Juls
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Old 09-11-2002, 08:19 AM
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Juls,

What you're doing is wonderful. I know how you feel about learning. I do the same thing. I hate lectures and strive to know the things that are important to me.

I remember going to a bible study and learning about resting and letting God do it for you. I was striving to rest. I was talking in my sleep about resting. It took me so long to learn to rest. I always wanted to know "How" do "I" do this. I kept running in cirlcles until I learned to rest.

I really admire you for the action you are taking. It takes courage to do the things you're doing.

Please see your doctor and see if there is something he can do to help.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-12-2002, 03:24 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I did not make to a meeting Wednesday. Tuesday night I started coming down with a cold and wasn't feeling well. Normally I like to go the this noon meeting at an Alano club. However, I decided to skip the meeting and drive up to see and elderly lady friend of mine.

We are very close, and since I moved away, I know she misses me, and really likes it when I get up there to see here. It's really not that far, only a 30 minute drive, but for some reason I just don't get up that way very often. There is alot of history for me in that town, and sometimes I feel very sad when I go back there.

I wanted to visit with her, since I didn't know if I'd be feeling sicker the next day, and I thought i would feel well enough to attend a meeting in the evening. Well I didn't, and I am getting sicker. I woke up at 1:30 this morning with a high fever, and have been unable to fall back to sleep.

I feel guilty for missing a meeting, since my goal is 90/90.

Also a bad thing. My daughter had to go to the Dr.'s because she's been having stomach pains. Dr.'s are the biggest trigger for me, since it's where i got my pills from. I had it in my mind to ask the Dr. if she would give me something stronger for my daughter to take for pain. But of course not intended for her.

Fortunately, my husband showed up for the appointment as well, which saved me from trying to do that.

I am also worried about her upcoming surgery to have her tonsils removed. I was already told they will be giving her a prescription for liquid vicodin for pain. I won't lie, and I know this is sick, but I know there is a good possibility that i would take that med.

I am praying to God to give me the strength not to sink to that level.

Juls
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Old 09-12-2002, 06:50 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Juls -

sorry I have not been around much this week to offer my support. I have been thinking about you alot!! You are in my prayers everyday.

Keep being honest like you are, keep saying (writing whatever) outloud about how you feel and even about things you might do. Get everything out in the open.

I am proud of you for attending so many meetings, keep it up.

I hope you are feeling better, I have been sick myself. No fever, just a sore throat and cough/head cold thing. I guess it is an end of summer thing, I don't know, I know a few people that have it.

Again, I applaud your honesty. Is there someone you can confide in to help monitor your daughters medicine when she has her tonsils out? That might be a good idea. Sometimes we need extra help and that is okay.

Keep it up Juls you are doing great!!!!
Love Pauline
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Old 09-12-2002, 08:59 AM
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Pauline,

I have asked my husband to get the script and hold it, but there will be times when I will be having to give it to her. She'll have to stay home from school for a week, and we will have to share the days off work. I am thinking to have him only leave enough at the house for her dosage for the day, but I am so scared that I will take it anyway. Or that I will be so triggered by having drugs near me, that I will go out and get some.

I'm really scared about this. I know it sounds stupid. But if I go to someone's house and I know they have pain pills there I have an anxiety attack because I become so triggered by it.

Right now I feel strong, today I feel strong, and I am going to keep praying to my HP to help me do the right thing.

Juls
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Old 09-13-2002, 07:01 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Juls -

None of what you are saying sounds stupid.

As I said before you are doing the right thing, saying how you feel, being honest.

Do everything you can to protect yourself. have your husband only hand you the dosage that she needs for the day, and you my friend, keep praying. Also, pay attention, cause you know that most times we don't need all the pain pills a dr gives us, so lets say by the end of the week your daughter does not need them, you have to tell you husband that. Keep praying, when you feel that anxiety, hit your knees and pray.

When you explained having anxiety in someones house where you know there are pain pills, that is so normal. Sometimes if I have been really stressed or something and I am watching TV there is a local commercial for a recovery house in Napa, and at the beginning of the commercial they show a mirror with lines on it of white powder. Sometimes, depending on where my head is, I can taste that white powder, just like I used to. I believe that is my disease tempting me use. When that happens, I pray for God to take the feeling away from me. And so far, with God's help it has worked for me.

You are doing great!!! I am proud of you. Keep hitting your meetings and talking about how you feel.
I am here if you need to talk!!!
Love Pauline
(((JULS)))
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Old 09-13-2002, 10:38 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Juls,

You are amazing...the things you have shared...I have tears in my eyes. I am an Anon and you have made me see what a struggle you have and you too Pauline. As an Anon of course, we want recovery but don't have any real way of knowing what you go through on a daily basis. Thank you for helping me to understand. Your honesty is going to take you far!

You are strong and I am rooting for you!!!

((((JULS))))

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Old 09-20-2002, 12:29 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Hello jules, hun

its clancy here. Sorry ive been off the board for so long, but i didn't have anything positive to report...ive been usiong again,heavily, and i was too ashamed to go into it all, its so boring for you guys to read of my failure after failure........but hey im in recovery again now,nine days....I have the worst nights, but something tells me i dont have to detail them for you.

Ive been getting aromatherapy massage, it really helps for a little while....great for the aches and stuff.

Think you are so brave doing what you are doing juls.Life is right there for the asking,and i know you can reach out and help yourself to it.I try too as well.Just wish i could conquer this godamn habit.Ive been addicted to opiates most of my adult life, i dont think the prognosis is very good in that case,but im trying not to give up.I heard that some folks have been though more than 20 detoxes,so i'll keep dusting myself off and trying again.

Still cant get to grips with NA though.However, my sister tells me that london meetings are alot more feisty, so im going to try and get to one at the weekend,its only 40 minutes on the train.

Despite my habit, i have a good job now working in fundraising for cancer research,im good at it,and it gives me a kick to know im helping folk to have a brighter future.They know about me and are cool with it,amazingly.The job attracts lots of inner city grads who have problems with stuff,apparently.

I hope everything goes well for you juls. you have masses of strength, i know you will make it thru.

love to you, and your daughter,

clancy xxxx
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Old 09-20-2002, 04:00 PM
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Dearest Clancy -
20 detoxes? Is that all? Lord, I've been through enough detoxes to qualify me for a "frequent-detox" award. I don't mean to joke. . . but it takes what it takes. The beautiful thing about recovery is that people always, ALWAYS welcome me back with open arms. And even though I might stumble and fall, I know I'm welcomed - and loved. I told the story on another board of seeing a friend at a meeting (at a treatment center) who had 6 years of sobriety and relapsed on a 2-week heroin binge. Everyone opened their arms to him -- and so did I. I adore this man -- even though I don't know him except for meetings -- and his pains are my pains. Same thing for you, Clancy -- your pains are my pains. Just keep talking about it, and don't use JUST FOR THIS HOUR, THIS MINUTE, THIS SECOND.

Sweet Juls,
You have so much on your plate. Thank you for your honesty. I gain so much knowledge and hope through you -- and I can relate so thoroughly, even though our drugs-of-choice aren't the same. (I'm an alcoholic.) Do NOT beat yourself up for not making 90-in-90 -- that is a GOAL, not a PROMISE. Please understand the difference. Sometimes "life" gets in the way of "life" - if you know what I mean. Yes, the liquid vicodin for your daughter would be tempting to any addict -- even me, who has never even used pain meds! But what a ***HUGE*** victory you have made, asking your husband to hold the drug. Geez, I've got tears in my eyes as I type this. Good for you, girl. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and things will be fine. Your heart is with God -- and He never lets us down (even though we may feel like he "drops" us for a while, he always picks us back up!)

Clancy and Juls,
I can't tell you how much I relate to both of you. I have followed your posts since the beginning. We are sisters in spirit, sisters in recovery, sisters in downfall, and we shall always be sisters in picking ourselves back up.

I love you both!!
Syl
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