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Old 08-10-2002, 06:05 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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Hello Ladies

Hello everyone. I am just now joining this site and I am very grateful for it.
I am also starting over in my recovery and well, right now I am going through some things that I don't know which way to turn. Because I am new to the area I really don't have someone to talk to so if there is someone on here that can share their experience strength and hope I would gratefully appreciate it.
Last year I started a new job and well, a co-worker and myself got together and over the past few months we would spend most of the time away from work together. Well, being the person I am I fell in love with him but knowing he didn't want a relationship. I did everything I could for him, including buying him food, things for his new apartment, and lending and giving him money. Now, he won't speak to me and this has my mind going so fast that I am getting sick from it. I don't know what cause it to get to this point, i mean he would always stop talking to me for some reason or another but now he tells me that speaking to me would only be a distraction for him. I AM HURT.I want so bad to act out and hurt him but at the same time, I still care and love him. I try to act like him ignoring me doesn't hurt but it does. I want to let it go but being the fix-it person that I am, I want to try and make things right. I have apologized numerous times for what ever.Nothing is working. How do you let go? I thought this man was my friend, I thought that at the very least he can say hi even if we don't spend time together. He is also in recovery but I don't know how much of it he is applying to his life. This is all I can think of because just being able to speak about it has brought me to tears.
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Old 08-10-2002, 06:26 AM
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JT
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Blackpearl,

Read your signature! You cannot change him...only YOU...that is how you let it go.

I am right now ending a friendship with a taker..I by nature am a giver...major codependeny flare up and I was well into it before I got it.

You are new to recovery and it takes many forms and is a lifelong process. Stick with people who care about you and if you find yourself giving more than getting....back away...it is not good for you.

Hope that helps,

JT
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Old 08-10-2002, 08:30 AM
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welcome -

Hop on over to the Anon threads, you will find some very interesting and encouraging stories over there that I am sure can help you understand what you are feeling.

Keep posting, we are all here to listen and help.
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Old 08-10-2002, 08:49 AM
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THANKS!....

Just wanted to thank you for reaching out and grabbing my hand. I will check out the Anon thread.
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Old 08-10-2002, 09:31 AM
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Hello Blackpearl!
Welcome to the recovery forum!

It sounds like, being new to the area, you may be simply lonesome and trying to hang onto the closest relationship you have established. Feeling alone is tough. Perhaps you could find some activities outside of work that will help you to meet new people. Is there a community college in your area? Take a class. They usually don't cost very much and you are instantly in touch with people who have a common interest. Are you religious? Join a church. Check out the activities they have there. Even if you aren't sold on a particular dogma... Unitarian Churches are very accepting and the one here has lots of cool things going on. Like theatre? Audition for a play at the local community theatre. If you're too shy, volunteer to work backstage. You don't have to know anything, they love volunteers and will happily instruct you. It will be easier to let go of this particular person if you have more people you can hang with. You said you are in recovery... have you found any meetings to go to? Instant comrades!

I would also encourage you to ask yourself if you are really in love with this man, or if you are in love with an idea you have created about him. Are you looking at what you think his potential is, or what is actually there? If your thoughts of him are usually accompanied by "if only he would", you may be trying to have a relationship with a fictional character.

Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 08-10-2002, 10:15 PM
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WOW!....








Boy did I need to hear that! thanks for replying and being honest...
I will take some time out to make more meeting and meet more people. Unfortunately, I work second shift (3pm to 12:30am) and I can't do much during the week... and most NA/AA fuctions don't allow kids after a certain time. they do have dances and things here. but you are right.. i need to check what it is about B.S.B. that has got me to this point. I have started attending meetings as much as possible and started getting numbers of women in the rooms.
Thanks again for the help!
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Old 08-10-2002, 10:29 PM
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Ann
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Welcome Blackpearl

I can't add much to the above, but wanted to welcome you. Too often we codependents ar so focused on our bad relationships, that we lose sight of our good ones. Make the effort to be with healthy people and focus on your recovery, and the rest will fall into place. A bad relationship is NOT better than no relationship at all, and it sounds like the realtionship you are talking about is going nowhere good.

Good luck and god Bless.
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