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Leaving my Husband

Old 08-09-2002, 01:41 PM
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Leaving my Husband

I am leaving my husband, and I am totally terrified. He is not asking me to leave, I am leaving because I cannot deal with certain aspects of his personality. From the time we married, whenever something happens to upset him, he acts ugly and mean towards me. We have been married six years, and I do not want to put up with this any longer.

We have a five year old daughter, and this affects her as well. He knows that he does this but will not change. In some ways he has been a very good husband, but this particular area is too damaging to me emotionally. I have not been happy since we married, and while I do not blame him for my addiction problem, I didn't become addicted to drugs, (I never used anything), until we had been married for almost four years, and in part I used to escape my feelings of anger and frustration due to the difficulties we had.

I want my recovery, I want my life back, and I want my daughter to have a happier mother. For the past two years I have really struggled because I did not want my daughter to be a product of a broken home. Now I feel that she should not be a product of an unhappy marriage.

I'm not frightened of being along, or on my own, but I don't have a job yet, and I am frightened of having to learn to take care of myself again, working, paying bills, etc.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Juls
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Old 08-09-2002, 03:40 PM
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Hey Juls,

That is cetainly a big decision for you to make and it seems you are making changes for the right reasons...I do have a couple suggestions if you like...First of all, do you have a place where you can live whether it be with friends, family or extended family?? If not, you can check your white pages and look for shelters that could protect you and your daughter in case your husband gets abusive with your decision to leave him...You didn't say how he feels about you leaving...if you fear telling him, then first find a safe place for you and your daughter before you tell him. Secondly, do you have a friend you can trust?? If so, do they know your situationand can you confide in them what you intend to do?? Getting yourself to a safe place will make it easier for you to get clean/sober without worrying about your safety. You didn't mention some things as to what your husband would do if you told him you wanted to leave or whether or not you have tried to leave before. So get your things in order. It doesn't seem that you feel that your life is threatened, so I hope you are safe all the same...please repond after reading this so if any of us can help you in any way, we will...God speed and take care...Janner
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Old 08-09-2002, 03:51 PM
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Hi Juls,
I have read your posts for a long time now. I truly admire you. I don't have any advice, since I've been divorced for many years and have only had drunken, stupid relationships since then.

But I did want you to know that I totally support your decision to leave, and that I admire you for making that choice. When a man is mean to a woman, it shows a lack of respect for her and for himself. It is abuse of the worst kind. Good for you for choosing to abandon the abuse, and to get your life back!

Please let us know how you are. I always look for your posts, and to see how you're doing.

I'm on your side.
Hugs,
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Old 08-09-2002, 04:38 PM
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Hi Juls

I know you did not make this decision lightly and I admire your courage. What is important is your health and the health of your daughter, and living in an abusive environment is dangerous mentally and physically.

The is a post on the Nar-Anon Board called "To Everyone Who Is In-Between" and I hope reading it can give you strength. It's about letting go of the burdens of your past and waiting with empty hands for God to fill them.

My prayers are with you and your daughter. Good Luck and God Bless.
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Old 08-09-2002, 06:25 PM
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Thank you everyone,

My husband does know I'm leaving, and is not making it difficult. I already have an apartment lined up, and I have a job interview set up for next week. I have only told one friend so far, I'm not ready for anyone else to know at this point, particularly his family. It will be very upsetting for them to know we are seperating, since it's just not done, and they don't believe in it.

Like I said, in many ways he has been a good husband, and maybe for some the way he acts would not be such an issue. For me since I grew up in a controlling and abusive envrionment, the way he acts does feel abusive. He does not know how to talk and communicate about problems. He just reacts meanly, and doesn't think that there is anything wrong with that.

I was already starting to see those elements in his personality, and was going to end the relationship when I found out I was pregnant. Foolishly and idealistically I thought being married and having a child together would bring about this fantasy life I'd always had about being married. If it hadn't been for the fact that I was pregnant, I never would have married him. If you were to meet him though, you would think he's one of the nicest guys in the world.

Pray for me that I get a good job soon. I have enough to live on for three months. Although I am frightened, I am also excited about getting my life back. My daughter knows, and she is o.k. with it so far. I'll be living pretty close, so she will spend equal time between us. I told her it will be like an adventure, she will have two homes, and the apartment has a pool, and a little five year old girl lives there, so maybe they can be playmates. The school district is much better, and it is a very nice neighborhood.

My husband has promised to give me money every month to help support me. It could be alot worse.

He has not been physically abusive, except for one time, but that was bad enough. He put his hands around my throat while I had our then two month old in my arms. A friend had called and he kept telling me to tell him who I was talking to. I didn't, and he started screaming if I didn't tell him he was going to rip the phone out of the wall. Really, for me that was it then. I knew it was just a matter of time.

I will keep posting and let you know how I'm doing.

Juls
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Old 08-09-2002, 07:01 PM
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Juls -

It sounds as though you have not come to this decision lightly and it sounds like leaving is what you should do. You know that your recovery has to come first. You and your daughter have to be safe. I admire you for taking action and wanting to break the chain so that your daughter does not see her mother being abuse and grow up thinking it is okay.

I will pray for your job, your peace and your serinity.

I am proud of you for taking a stand. Your posts are always so inspirational and positive, thank you for thinking of others while you are suffering.
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Old 08-09-2002, 07:07 PM
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Juls,

I am so impressed...you sound so strong and prepared and you have given this decision alot of thought. There will be tough days ahead emotionally and very possibly financially but you know, don't you, that you will be provided with all that you need when you need it.

Stay in touch!!

Hugs,

JT
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Old 08-09-2002, 08:35 PM
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hi Juls

being treated cruel and unkind is hard to bear,I understand your need to be ffree of it.It is good your husband is willing to pay support.Would either of you be willing to get counselling about this ,or is it a definate divvorce.if it is I wish you and your daughter all the best.needybaby
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Old 08-09-2002, 09:14 PM
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Hi Juls,

It was hard for me when I had to totally support myself for the first time. I got used to it though and it's just normal now.

The one thing I would like to bring up is a custody order so if things were to get ugly later you would be protected. If there is no custody order your husband could take off with your daughter and there really wouldn't be much you could do about it. Even if it's joint custody it still protects you so he can't take your daughter. I know it doesn't seem like you need to worry about that right now, but I've seen it happen many times.

Women literally had to go kidnap their children back from the father who took them out of state.

I'm sorry you have to go through this difficult time, but I think you will be just fine and the peace you will feel will make things better. Please keep sharing. We all care for you.

Hugs,

MG
 
Old 08-11-2002, 08:20 AM
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I pray that as you take this stand to no longer be controlled that you seek God's guidance along the way..

I am here to let you know I understand completely. Although my husband just left, no I'm leaving, nothing it was hard. I stayed married to him for 11 years hoping one day he would get his act together. Abuse? yes, although I tried to deny it..physical, mental and sexual. It is not easy to start over but check out your yellow pages. Where I live we have a shelter for women and children and they offer all kinds of assistance.. It is the YWCA.. Don't know if you plan to get on welfare until you get things together but know that is an option.. it is there for times like this so don't feel bad if you need to use it. And I don't remember who posted it but do seek out a custody order. For me, I am facing that now.. my ex is about to get out of jail and my thoughts are what if he just takes them and never brings them back? I WANT him to have a relationship with the kids but I also want to be safe. As it was said many times BE CAREFUL... there are too many horror stories about men who hurt their wives when they leave. Also remember that what ever he is putting you through your daughter is also affected by it. She may be young but she knows.
Keep posting... thanks you have been a blessing to me!
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Old 08-11-2002, 01:39 PM
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hang in there

Hey Juls,

Although times may be tough, just remember that you are doing what is best for you and your daughter. Alot of people may tell you that you are crazy for leaving a marriage, but don't let that turn you away from you feelings. I left my ex-husband after 3 years of marriage for many of the same reasons as you are leaving. No one, not even my mother supported my decision. Everyone thought I was nuts. But in my heart I knew I was doing the right thing for me and for my then 9 month old daughter. I did not want her growing up like I did, surronded by fighting. It has been almost 4 years since I made that decision and I have never had a day of regret. I met an absolutly wonderful man who has raised my first daughter as his own and we now have a 1 year together. Hang in there. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter. Good Luck!!
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Old 08-11-2002, 08:15 PM
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Juls,
Having just done the same thing a couple of years ago, I know what you're going thru! I just took everything one day at a time and I think I'm doing just fine now! It took me twelve years to get the nerve to leave but it was the best thing I ever could have done for me and my kids!
Good luck and God bless!
Kathy
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Old 08-17-2002, 11:15 AM
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Hi Juls,

I too have been where you are at. And to be honest with you Juls I just didn't like who I was when I was with this man. The rage and anger seemed to come from nowhere from this man.

I became confused and thought it was something that I was doing. It wasn't.... I am just not that powerful.

This relationship just ended about 2 weeks ago, and I know now that no matter how much I loved this man, it wouldn't have worked out because I will not be treated in this manner not only by him...but by anyone today. I have come to far in my recovery to pretend that, that kind of behavior is ok... it isn't.... period.

I did apologize to this man for my part in the mess. I had become confused and hurt....and yes angry that this man could send me roses, beautiful cards, and there were many beautiful times we had together. All that aside, I had to look at the truth.... my truth.
I know in my heart that I couldn't accept this kind of screaming and in my face anger and rage. I do not deserve to be treated that way... end of story.

God Bless you Juls, you are doing the right thing. Not only for you but for your impressionable daughter who is learning that we teach people how to treat us. I have a 14 year old daughter, and I do not want her to ever believe for one minute that its ok to allow anyone to treat me or her with anything less than the respect that I and she deserve..... not by anyone for any reason.

Thank you Juls, you have helped me today to know in my heart that love is not enough.... and that without respect there is no love and that roses are nice but roses won't change unacceptable behaviors. (((((((((((((((Juls))))))))))))))))))


Love to you and your daughter,

Patsy
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Old 08-17-2002, 11:49 AM
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Thank you for you kind replies. Everything is moving right along. It's interesting that if I hadn't made the decision to leave my husband, I wouldn't have been looking at the want-ads for work, and I wouldn't have seen the opportunity to start a business for myself. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time, and now I have the chance.

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Old 09-13-2002, 06:32 PM
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I certainly can understand your fear. I am also leaving my husband I don't have a child to worry about however, being on my on is scary. I also have allowed verbal and mental abuse into my life. I have decided after 6 years of marriage I've had enough. I deserve better. I miss the simple pleasure of enjoying life. My husband is an alcoholic and I too turned to drugs> But they do not fill the void of happiness that only a healthly life can offer. I will keep you in my prayers. Afriend on the same jopurney!
Darlene
 

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