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Regrets

Old 01-20-2005, 07:52 AM
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Regrets

I work pretty hard today on not having regrets for things in my past, they hold me down and build resentments(mostly for myself), they stop me from growing in my program, in my life, spiritually. But today, probably this day every year I have a huge regret.

Today is the day my dad died. Yes it has been 23 years and I know that the grief that I feel today is completely different then the grief I felt then or even in the few years following his death.

I was a senior in high school graduating in just a few months and I was his 'little girl'. On the night that he died my aunt came into the room and said 'God is taking your dad, do you want to say good bye" I said 'no' and laid back down. I was terrified. I never said goodbye.

In the years to follow my mother clung to me like glue. I tried to move away, but that lasted 3 months and I came back home (running didn't work). I used my dads death and my moms actions as an excuse to get further and further into addiction. (note the word excuse) I became the master manipulator with my mother able to get just about anything I wanted out of her not caring what the cost to her was.

Fast forward through all the years of using, living in my car to 9 years ago checking myself into rehab. Today clean and sober, married, helping to raise 2 step kids, running a business and taking care of my home.

What is my regret, until I got clean everyday on this year I would go to my dads grave and tell him that I missed him but I was glad that he was not hear to see how my life was. The last nine years I have visited his grave told him I missed him and how I regret he is not here to see how my life has turned out.

Today he would be proud, that makes me smile and cry all at the same time. Today he would be proud that I keep trying to be a better person.

I just wanted to share what I was feeling (a little to early to call my sponsor LOL).

I guess losing my dad at such a young age....I got stuck being daddy's little girl. It wasn't fair that he died, but today I understand there is a reason for everything, not always a good reason, but a reason. That is a gift to have that understanding and he helps release alot of anger that I had for years.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 01-20-2005, 08:00 AM
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Chy
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Oh Paulie, I so understand. Huge hugs sister and I'll keep him in my prayers today. He'd be very proud of the woman you've become, and I know he's smiling at his little girl with great pride.
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Old 01-20-2005, 08:02 AM
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Paulie...

He would be proud.
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Old 01-20-2005, 08:02 AM
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I know that too Chy, but every year on this day I just turn into this crying little girl. LOL, that probalby makes him smile too.

thanks BW.

I really didn't write this post to get all kinds pats on the back LOL, I just need to get this out, and my dog is snoring to loud to listen this morning
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Old 01-20-2005, 08:24 AM
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(((Paulie)))
gosh... I am just sitting here wondering where to even begin, tears coming to surface
(that is a cool thing that I get to experience being in recovery...feelings)
Your story took me by surprise and touched me deeply.

I relate so much to what you felt and experienced losing your father.
16 yrs. ago my mother and step-dad were killed in a plane crash...
and still every year when it is Memorial Day weekend I am flooded with emotions, different and not as raw as in the beginning.

I has a realization the other day...
Their plane was an antique bi-plane, those older engines have a very distinct sound.. they used to come for visits and buzz my home and my SO and I would drive out to the airport and pick them up. To this day when I hear a plane with an older engine, my instantaneous reaction is to want to jump in the car and go pick them up... 16 yrs. later.

I realized just how big of a challenge we face in recovery. Changing our reactions to situations, things that were once habit, is no easy feat.
It takes work and sincere effort.

I don't mind the reaction I have towards hearing an old plane engine, just grateful for the memory of my mom and step-dad...

Your Dad is very, very proud of you... he also understands the fear and pain you felt the night he traveled on...

My sister and I both know that my Mom and Sted-dad stayed with us in spirit for almost 6 months... we also felt it when they finally let go and left our earthly plane....

Thank you for sharing your heart

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Old 01-20-2005, 08:25 AM
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Anniversaries are always tough.

But the love your dad gave you is still with you, it is in every word you wrote.

And what every parent wants is for their children to grow up into beautiful grown-ups.
You are that and have given him his greatest reward!

And, now, you share what he gave you with hundreds!

Do what is good for you, Paulie, I know I don't even need to say that to you.

How about love and hugs. And smiles too.

live
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Old 01-20-2005, 08:31 AM
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Originally Posted by KelKel
I relate so much to what you felt and experienced losing your father.
16 yrs. ago my mother and step-dad were killed in a plane crash...
and still every year when it is Memorial Day weekend I am flooded with emotions, different and not as raw as in the beginning.



(((KelKel)))

(((Live)))

You are ALL so wonderful. I am in tears.
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Old 01-20-2005, 08:36 AM
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Paulie,

I too lost my father at a very young age.
I understand totally the feelings you are having.
I love to hear somebody let it all out,
it helps my soul too.
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Old 01-20-2005, 08:57 AM
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((((Paulie))))

It's good to remember. It's good to grieve.

jojo
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Old 01-20-2005, 11:41 AM
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((((((((((((((((Paulie)))))))))))))))))))
I have to agree with you...your father would be soooooooooo sooooo proud of you!
But for some reason, i feel since you were his lil' girl, he was ALWAYS proud of you! (no matter what!)

You inspire me, girl, you really do!
I Love Ya!
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Old 01-20-2005, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Paulie
I work pretty hard today on not having regrets for things in my past, they hold me down and build resentments(mostly for myself), they stop me from growing in my program, in my life, spiritually. But today, probably this day every year I have a huge regret.

Today is the day my dad died. Yes it has been 23 years and I know that the grief that I feel today is completely different then the grief I felt then or even in the few years following his death.

I was a senior in high school graduating in just a few months and I was his 'little girl'. On the night that he died my aunt came into the room and said 'God is taking your dad, do you want to say good bye" I said 'no' and laid back down. I was terrified. I never said goodbye.

In the years to follow my mother clung to me like glue. I tried to move away, but that lasted 3 months and I came back home (running didn't work). I used my dads death and my moms actions as an excuse to get further and further into addiction. (note the word excuse) I became the master manipulator with my mother able to get just about anything I wanted out of her not caring what the cost to her was.

Fast forward through all the years of using, living in my car to 9 years ago checking myself into rehab. Today clean and sober, married, helping to raise 2 step kids, running a business and taking care of my home.

What is my regret, until I got clean everyday on this year I would go to my dads grave and tell him that I missed him but I was glad that he was not hear to see how my life was. The last nine years I have visited his grave told him I missed him and how I regret he is not here to see how my life has turned out.

Today he would be proud, that makes me smile and cry all at the same time. Today he would be proud that I keep trying to be a better person.

I just wanted to share what I was feeling (a little to early to call my sponsor LOL).

I guess losing my dad at such a young age....I got stuck being daddy's little girl. It wasn't fair that he died, but today I understand there is a reason for everything, not always a good reason, but a reason. That is a gift to have that understanding and he helps release alot of anger that I had for years.

Thanks for listening.

Who can fault a tender young teen from avoiding saying good-bye?
Rather than regret, it almost sounds like your life would be a tribute to him now.... :sorry for your loss.
I read this recently on another board and it really touched my heart:


" She sat reading out loud to the man in the bed, as she had done daily for weeks, when a soft whisper interrupted her narrative.

"Sweetheart...come here."

"I'm here, daddy." she said, gently leaning over him.

"Honey, you remember what I've taught you, don't you?" he asked.

Her mind slipped back over the years to all the things she'd learned from him. From the small things, to the things that guide her life.

She remembered his large hands, so rough from hard work, gently guiding her own as he taught her to bait a hook to catch a fish. She remembered him rocking her in his arms as she cried over her skinned knee. She remembered the smile on his face when she came from the building clutching that ever important to a teenager's first driver's license. She remembered is pride in walking her down the aisle as she commited to sharing her life with her mate. She remembered the tears in his eyes as he held his grandchildren for the first time, and told her how blessed he felt.

She remembered all his little sayings.......things like "You better learn to swim, 'cause life's best when you rock the boat."

So many things, so little time left for new memories to be made. Her heart ached, tears streamed down her face, and she whispered back "I remember, daddy. I remember, and I love you, daddy. A daughter never had a better daddy than you."

"I love you, darlin' You're a fine daughter, and a good girl, and I'll always love you."

He fell back to sleep, and she sat next to him for a long while, stroking his hair. When she left that evening, she didn't know that those would be the last words they would share in this lifetime. She didn't know she'd never gaze into his eyes again, and see the warmth and love shining back. She didn't know that this was his final goodbye.

She didn't know it at that time, but he'd given her the one thing that would see her through the rough times ahead. He'd roused himself, when it was so hard for him to awaken, so hard to form words, and he'd said "I love you" one last time, and then the greatest man who ever lived left this life forever.

I love you, too, daddy.

RLT
1928-2004"

"I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me, but I find I am grateful for having loved them. The gratitude has finally conquered the loss." RitaMae Brown
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Old 01-20-2005, 01:07 PM
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WOW...more tears, this is wonderful, thank you so much for that. It was beautiful.

Thank you all.
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Old 01-20-2005, 01:08 PM
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Wow indeed.. we love ya girl!
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Old 01-20-2005, 01:58 PM
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Wow! I was moved by Paulie's story and then reading all the posts I just feel so lucky to be a part of such a great group of women. This is something so amazing!

Paulie, I am absolutely sure that your Dad knows exactly how you're doing and is beaming with pride!

Love, Anna
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Old 01-20-2005, 02:01 PM
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http://www.inspiringthots.net/movie/grave.php

Time2Surrender sent this to me, I wanted to share it here, it is beautiful.
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Old 01-20-2005, 02:24 PM
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Love you Paulie and hugs to all.
 
Old 01-20-2005, 03:03 PM
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(((((Paulie)))))
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Old 01-20-2005, 04:29 PM
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((((((((Paulie))))))))

I don't know what else to say, I am just sitting here with tears in my eyes. You ladies are among the few who can touch my heart and bring me to tears. That is a tough one.

I am sure he is looking down and smiling at the woman you have become.
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Old 01-20-2005, 05:54 PM
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Thank you all again so much. I hesitated posting this morning, you know that fear that people would think I was being silly or over emotional or something. But I needed to get my feelings out and SR is where I love to do that. And as I should have known I was welcomed and wished nothing but peace and love.

I am in a differnet space about my father than I was yesterday, thanks to all of you. I have spent today celebrating his life instead of saying 'oh poor me my dad died when I was a kid" like I usually do ever year. Today yes I miss him terrible, but today I am the saddest for what he missed out dieing at the age of 50, today at 40 with a sister who is 50 I understand just how young that is. He missed out on so much of his life.

Thank you again ladies, I am gonna have a nice quiet evening alone with a cat and dog on my lap in front of the fire. .
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Old 01-20-2005, 06:04 PM
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Your story has touched a place deep in my soul. Regret and guilt have been a huge part of my life for all of my 38 years. My own mom passed away a little over 2 years ago, I am still facing the issues of letting her go without telling her the pain she caused me, and asking her why? I also regret telling her that I do not judge or blame her, and that I was aware she did the best she knew how to. I am just now first learning how to stop blaming myself, and magnifying my faults. I am sure your papa is proudly looking down on his little girl, with a smile of total peace, serenity, and pride!! I thank you so much for sharing these heartfelt emotions.
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