Are You An Abused Woman?

 
Old 12-31-2005, 06:24 AM
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Thank you Taira
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Old 01-31-2006, 03:42 PM
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Read This

I could check may of those off to describe my husband. However, my husband can be the sweetest man ever too. I could check off even more of
those off to describe my dad. Now with my husband, I always feel that I did
or didn't do something that causes it.
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Old 02-01-2006, 09:55 AM
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The very first thing I did was to print "tactics used by abusive people"
second was write to you liveweyerd, I wish to say thank you! this sums up my mother,and 2 ex-boyfriends, one recent with whom I'm pregant with his child, I just told him yestarday that I missed him and I wanted to go home to him. But I'am having second thaughts now, he scared me worse then the abusive ex before him(whom I also have a child with)after we found out I was pregant it all went down hill fast and I moved out about a week after,my best friend in my home state called me up on the phone, I guess she had a feeling thinks were'nt good with me and chris and she demanded I leave him so I did with her help. It's been 3 and a half weeks now I miss him but I don't think he realy cares or misses me at all, he say's I made him yell,scream, throw things, push me,threaten me,call me names. I just can't belive I could make some one do all those cruel thing it's just not possible! so I plan on showing him my print out of these tactics and seeing what he has to say? once again thanks for the reminder!!!!!
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Old 02-01-2006, 12:41 PM
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My ex. is still doing the same things to me too. Right now he is withholding Child Support and Alimony and trying to get the kids taken away from me.

He is engaged right now and I think his honeymoon phase with her is about to end but that is her worry not mine.

My mother always makes me feel as though everything I do is wrong plus she believes everything my ex. A Husband says to her.

Something I am having to work on right now. At least from my Addict Dad who is divorced from my mom is abondment issues.

Feels like my ex. husband took over both of those roles.

I'm glad that you posted this for I didn't realize until just the other day that even though I wasn't with my ex. that he was still abusing me but in different ways.
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Old 02-01-2006, 08:18 PM
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When we grow up with abuse it becomes synonymous with 'love' and we can become almost addicted to the drama and dance of the dynamics of an abusive relationship. We are attracted to, and attractive to those who grew up under the same culture and without that dynamic a relationship or life can feel very boring and in some cases even more stressful at first than living with the actual abuse. Its almost as if because we knew it so well when we were small that we need the same dynamic to feel alive and when that is missing we can feel very empty inside indeed.

For myself, it was only after I had left the relationship, dealt with the subsequent feelings and then spent considerable amount of time alone and watching myself become attracted to different men in the program that I realized that I was attracted over and over again to the same type of man--one who had serious anger management issues and dependency issues. Throughout those years, as I worked on myself I began to notice that I was becoming less attracted to these types and the ones that I would have in the past considered boring and unattractive were becoming more appealing.

One of the saddest and hardest things to realize when dealing with the effects of living with abuse is that they are very long and far reaching--affecting our children in years to come even after we, ourselves, have gotten help. Just as we have had to get 'help' from the affects and lessons learned from our abusive parents relationship(s), so too, will our children need help with dealing with what they learn from our screwed up relationships.

Tool, even though you miss this guy, I would hope that you will consider this long and hard when eventually he appears to want to be with you again. Because unless he is willing and able to get the help he needs to stop and look at his own behavioral problems, there is little hope that he will change even if he says he is. Just as you are having to go through hardships and hard times etc and look at your own stuff, so too does he if you want to ever live without abuse and to give your child a chance of a future without abuse being a dynamic that he/she has to heal from in years to come. I'm sure that you are more than aware now that you have no control over what someone else does so you are not responsible and did not 'make' him do any of those things to you--he chose to do them and chose to behave that way, just as he now chooses to blame you for his actions. I hope that you are able to cleave to your support in your area so that you don't go back with him no matter how lonely you get because I'm sure that if you think back, you will be able to remember many times when you were lonely even with him. Now, your on your own the loneliness just seems worse than before, but it likely isn't worse at all--it just seems like it. Leaving him was probably one of the most courageous things that you have done and it will take time, time and more time before you will likely be able to really appreciate this.

I wish you all the best and may Gods' love be with you and fill your loneliness with joy.
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Old 02-02-2006, 09:27 AM
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thank you, Taira for the words of encoragement, I realy feel better knowing someone out there understands how I feel. It's hard to break old habits but I'm trying I know in my heart I half to do what is best for the baby I'm carrying, that's the most important thing in my life, and I don't expect him to change anytime soon. So thanks once again for the advice! -TOOL-
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Old 04-26-2006, 08:12 PM
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That is a great post. I am also in an emotional abuse relation. I am so tired I have want to leave five times just this year and can't seem to. I love him to death but am sooooo tired of the arguing and the"he's always right" syndrome.
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Old 04-27-2006, 05:54 AM
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The marriage I was a part of for almost twenty years was riddled with emotional/verbal and some physical abuse, actually by both of us. However, I always felt that I received worse treatment...however, we were both active in our disease during that entire marriage and go figure needless to say the marriage was a disaster and brought damage to our two daughters. Upon summoning up the courage to leave, well that's when some healing started and the denial stopped. Six months after I left him he got sober and 18 months after I left I got sober and work a program, he no longer works a program. My life is so much better today, I finally feel free! I finally feel safe. Our daughters are healing too, I talk openly and honestly about what went on when they were young. I'm dating a man on the Program who is mature, respectful and loving...something that I wasn't quite use to but now realize I am worth being treated well and so are all women!
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Old 04-27-2006, 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by bebubbles
That is a great post. I am also in an emotional abuse relation. I am so tired I have want to leave five times just this year and can't seem to. I love him to death but am sooooo tired of the arguing and the"he's always right" syndrome.

Sometimes I feel as though more of my marriage was filled with this abuse than I will allow my brain to remember for I blocked a lot of it out and when you get to where you have had enough you will leave him.

I feel sorry for the woman the ex is going to marry for he will do the same thing to her and the only reason I don't tell her is that I had to file assault charges against him and we are divorced and we go to court when he is married so I'm wondering if she even knows and if so I'm sure that he has lied to her but I'm not going to worry about her for I'm still working on me.

He had me down so low that I didn't even want to get out of the house for I felt as though I didn't deserve to go anywhere are do anything and just know starting to do things and working on getting more money out of him for he didn't claim all of his income when we were getting our divorce.

Hugs!

Thanks for this thread! Why do we block so much of what happened to us with them?
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Old 04-28-2006, 02:46 AM
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hi Live

I want to thank you so much for this threat, it has broken, finally my denial as to verbal and emotional abuse that i receive from my gf (we are the another evidence that abuse can be carried out by a woman too!).

Another website I found extremely helpful is www.drirene.com.

I identified with so many, although not all (but the fact that it's some and not all doesn't matter and doesn't make it less damaging) of the definitions of verbal and emotional abuse. The following applies to me and it's defined as emotional and verbal abuse:

walking ahead of me when in the street and an argument starts
not making eye contact when I talk
silent treatment
ignoring me when I talk so that I have to repeat the same thing more than once to get her attention
walking away from me when talking without saying anything
turning her back to me when I'm talking
saying I am too sensitive

Love Jo
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Old 04-28-2006, 02:15 PM
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THis is great.

I had felt for a long time, that there just was something that "wasn't right" with my current marriage. He didn't seem to make any sense to me at all, but it was very easy for me to berate and degrade myself, because after all, he was "such a nice guy." I was totally charmed and fooled.

A few years ago, when I stopped, turned around and looked back at my past, I realized that I have been in many abusive relationships, both in romantic relationships with men and platonic friendships with other women (yes, women can be just as bad). Then, I finally realized that I had been right to believe all these years that my parents are sick and abusive. Up until about age 33, I still bought into the b.s. they told me, that I "had it good." and that "it could be a lot worse."

Before I even did any exploring on it (after my husband raped me), I told a friend that I believed that I am in an abusive relationship, but that it is a different type than what I'd seen before (not really, just played out in a different form).

Well, anyhow, I'm rambling, but I did want to say THANK YOU!! I copied pasted the original post and a few others onto Word, to keep and give out at the women's group meeting at a local shelter. I still haven't gotten the 'nads to leave so far, but I am on the brink...just waiting for the word "go"...not sure what that is.

Here's something I have learned so far...it's a bad idea to judge a new person in my life based on what they Don't do like the last one (i.e....well, at least he doesn't hit me, or put me down like the last one). I'm trying to compile a list of trust vs not trust characteristics, and have started a thread on the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. If you have something to share or add, please do. I could use some guidance on figuring out, BEFORE making a commitment like marriage or sex, what behaviors and attitudes are ones that can be trusted vs. not.

Thanks a $MIL!!
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Old 04-28-2006, 05:37 PM
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I have been in this relationship for 12 yrs, we have 3 kids, his, mine and ours. you are all very correct "he is such a nice guy" I have also blocked out a lot all I know now is I am very unhappy and I didn't used to be that way. Today I started to pack some boxed and he came in to stop me and said he was going to be the one to move out. I wonder how long I will have to wait ??

Thanks for listening at his point I am hurt,and confused want my freedom and want to go back to the very happy person I use to be.
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Old 06-04-2006, 01:13 AM
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thank you so much, this is so painful for me right now, 20yrs of this and i had no idea, i guess i thought that this was normal. no wonder i could not figure out why other coujples seemed so happy and in love, i have lived this so long, all of it, every bit of it, i could not believe what i was reading, if my ah had not gone to jail for 2 yrs, by now, i would be in a straight jacket i am sure. i came to believe whatever he told me to believe. 52 yrs old now, i should have know better you would think,
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Old 09-09-2006, 09:46 AM
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thanks for this topic, i been in abusive relationships all my life, the last real bad one i was bit so hard, pulled by my hair oh man i dont even want to say but that was the one that created ptsd in me, that was the break of my thresh-hold, i took him to court and the helpless caring foolish women i was i blame the fact that we smoked crack so lthat was the excuse for lhis behavior and when i went to the grande jury i playe on that and the charges were dropped only to find out months later he pulled a knife on his mom and held it to her throat. i am in a relationship now asking myself how much of this am i willing to take, not that hes abusive but we are both early in recovery and he does take me back to hat insecurs state of being as a child and i dont like that, i goto sign back in at the library be back
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Old 09-09-2006, 10:16 AM
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hello i am back, i learned that i need to build a bridge between my youthe and now that when i feel triggered into that state of child hood hurts and feelings not to run with them, he can do that to me make me feel like that helpless and needy little girl with no way out, i dont know wher it comes from hes not abusive in any way, just my lifes worth of abuse affects my relationship today not just with him but with any body, i am glad i am able to recognize these triggers now i need to be able to use what i learned , i becoming to feel whole again and i am taking care of me i come so far from where i once was, i sometimes look at myself and tell myself how good i am doing, i dont feel like a failure, or insecure, i do things now because i want to not because i want to feel loved or accepted , those where the days wher i let in that man whom wanted to abuse me, i been abuse by men all my life,, i am now 41, and these past few years was the only time in my life where a man has not put his hands on me nor took me mentally or emmotionaly. there is still some developing of my strength to conquer, i still get triggered but i am aware of it and more in controll of my emmotions and reactions today to be able to come back quickly . well the bridge is what i am gonna master now./// Roses
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Old 09-10-2006, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by roses
i learned that i need to build a bridge between my youthe and now that when i feel triggered into that state of child hood hurts and feelings not to run with them,
This is one of the biggest lessons of all my recovery -- learning to recognize when events in the present trigger all the feelings and scripts from my childhood. The more I can do this, the more I'm able to avoid losing myself and getting sucked back in to old patterns and behaviors. I'm not always successful, but soooo much better than ever before.

Roses -- if you've learned this, you've got a one of the biggest keys to continued growth and recovery. Congratulations, that's tremendous progress and self-awareness!
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Old 09-12-2006, 03:52 PM
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yes i feel that i do have a great start in my healing and i continue to go forward with it i learned grounding during stressed times helps a lot because its when i amstressed these feelings happen and i lose controll of the now for so long i could never get it, now that i am aware i am more open to the triggers and responses that happen and i am so aware of so much . thanks for the response Roses
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Old 02-05-2007, 03:34 PM
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Wow... Im trying to catch my breath..... My husband of 18 months walked out Friday.... Ive been praying for almost two years for guideness and direction and he kept leaving and I kept taking him back.... regardless... The day after he left... I made a phone call to my best friend of 18 years... she's been in recovery for 6 years... another blessing from up above.. Ive been sober two days now! And for the first time in a long time feel hopeful.
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Old 02-05-2007, 05:53 PM
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Smile

Reading this list again because someone just replied....

My ex boyfriend was an alcoholic, a rager, and clearly displayed controlling and narcissist behaviours. He exibited and displayed nearly all of these and almost from Day 1.

I too thought this was part of "working through a relationship" but understand now that from my father being an alcoholic, suffering neglect as a child, going to the foster care system and having undiagnosed ADD/ADHD until just recently blocked my ability to understand my situation.

I was unclear of what I deserved since I'd never been treated better by my mother or father, kids at school, foster parents or previous boyfriends.

Through the help of a 12 step for finances, "The Secret", therapy including EMDR, prayer and diagnosis of ADD/ADHD (including a high IQ!) with medication, I have been able to clear the fog that kept me unsure of what I deserved.

I now control myself through my own thoughts and ideas, I prioritize myself, I deliberatly avoid people who display unhealthy behaviour and I write this stuff down to show myself how well I'm doing.

All the things my abuser said about me aren't true. I'm doing much better now that he's not in my life. I can sleep at night without fear. Even my dog stopped having so many accidents in the house!

I love this board for all the people who have come here in pain and who have stayed to help. Thanks SR!

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Old 03-02-2007, 02:54 PM
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Walk away.

In my brief marriage I was emotionally and physically abused. I was too busy ignoring it so that I could do my job as a new teacher well, that I turned to wine to ignore it. The early signs of small physical violence turned worse. I had no money saved and no family in the state. I felt I had nowhere to go, BUT, I got out of there. It wasnt easy, and Ive been on route to getting settled, healing, rebuilding my life and all I lost for over 9 months.
Just tell yourself- NO MORE. I had to learn humility and asked for help from anyone and everyone I could to get me moved out, have places to stay, re-establish everything. Not easy, but WORTH it.
I used to be the person to tell other people "there are over 2 billion men, why have one that's mean?" Then, I slowly got sucked into it. Never again.
Ive learned that there are kind people who would never dream of hurting me. There are people who I enjoy being with and can't imagine ever arguing with. You can find people who aren't abusive! Don't fear rehabilitation or relocation as options for a new path.
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