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Old 06-10-2019, 01:34 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Saying NO


I am absolutely incapable of saying no. I do things I don't want to/don't have time for/can't handle.

Most recently I was referred to a person by my psychologist at the rehab center. He was kind and offered to give me a ride to the meeting (not AA, but a type of group for alcoholics) He came to pick me up a bit early so we could talk about how the meetings go. Afterwards he brought me home and when we reached my house he started touching me and kissing me. I didn't know what to do, I felt like I "owed" him for his car service. So I let him into my house and as it turns out he is into very rough stuff. He hit me with a belt, slapped me, twisted my nipples until I cried.... I have photos of all th bruises he left, I sent them to my psychologist at the rehab center and she said I should call the police and press charges. But I can't. I allowed it to happen, what can I say against him? It was awful but even through my tears I never said "get out, leave" I let it happen. I didn't want it but I could not say no because I felt I had to give something in return for his coming to pick me up and taking me home.
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Old 06-10-2019, 05:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Oh, dear. I wasn't sure examples you'd give when I first looked at your title - and I'm really sorry that this happened. It's definitely an extreme example of what happens when we don't say no - and while I didn't have the exact same one, I def had sex when I really knew I should have said no, if only because i didn't want to. That was when drinking...

You've been thru so much and stuck/came back here. So that's the best.

I'd have to say that staying away from men- even ones who seem helpful and supportive of getting us to meetings- was a lesson I learned early, as I got out of a predator situation pretty unscathed.

NO is hard for alcholics- and IMO esp for women. I think it's hard for women in general a lot of the time/for a lot of us.

Keeping myself safe - meaning, literally, away from people - learning a radar and trusting it...all the way back to basics like "no, I don't want to go to dinner" or "no, I don't want a drink" or....just "no." was critical, tough, and it got easier with time.

Take care of yourself. This sounds like one I'd have to put in the process and get help with column, so I'm glad you have a psych.
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Old 06-10-2019, 07:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm sorry this happened to you, Mera. I think that learning to say 'No' is crucial to recovery. I hope that you can find a way to take care of yourself and protect yourself.
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Old 06-10-2019, 07:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Oh wow Mera. That is beyond horrible on top of everything you have dealt with.

There are no words . . . big hug to you beautiful lady.
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Old 06-10-2019, 08:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Iím so sorry, Mera. Sending you strength and support.
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Old 06-10-2019, 09:23 AM   #6 (permalink)
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He needs to be reported. He works with people who have delicate psyches and folks who are in emotional crisis. He is not fit and what he did offering you a ride is unethical. I would never I mean NEVER offer a client a ride to any kind of meeting no matter their gender. I have strictly professional only relationships with my clients as to protect them and do them no harm in our counseling relationship.

What do you think this community would advise me if I told them I did what this man did to you as their counselor? What would you tell me if I told you I had a sexual encounter with a male client? You may feel you gave consent but what he did was unethical and is a danger to others. Someone could hurt themselves or give in to a relapse.

Report him him not only to protect yourself but to protect others. You probably arenít the first and you wonít be the last person he takes advantage of.
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Old 06-10-2019, 12:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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How terrible!

You definitely do not owe him anything and I hope you report him. That is a decision only you can make, but you deserve more than treatment like that.

Sending you a big supportive hug!
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Old 06-11-2019, 02:38 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newhope01 View Post
He needs to be reported. He works with people who have delicate psyches and folks who are in emotional crisis. He is not fit and what he did offering you a ride is unethical. I would never I mean NEVER offer a client a ride to any kind of meeting no matter their gender. I have strictly professional only relationships with my clients as to protect them and do them no harm in our counseling relationship.

What do you think this community would advise me if I told them I did what this man did to you as their counselor? What would you tell me if I told you I had a sexual encounter with a male client? You may feel you gave consent but what he did was unethical and is a danger to others. Someone could hurt themselves or give in to a relapse.

Report him him not only to protect yourself but to protect others. You probably arenít the first and you wonít be the last person he takes advantage of.
To be more clear, this was a volunteer, someone who also frequents this group. He is not a professional, just another member. However, he is a "leader" or sorts.
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Old 06-11-2019, 07:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Mera,

correct me if I have interpreted this incorrectly: is this person a volunteer who is recommended by your psychiatrist? If so, then you definitely need to report him as the psych is probably recommending him to help other women. Iím sure the psych has no idea what he did/does. He sounds like a predator who has found a pipeline to his targets.

Sending strength and support to you.
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Old 06-11-2019, 06:18 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Mera, I wanted to apologize if I came off harsh. I want you safe and healthy and this guy is a predator. You did the right thing telling your therapist. He needs to be banned from volunteering.

Hope youre doing better today. ((Hug))
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Old 06-15-2019, 10:54 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Mera,

Just catching up on your threads. I am so sorry this happened to you. I really wish I were there to just give you a giant hug.

Iíve definitely put myself in some situations while drunk that were not good for me.

I know that no is not an easy word at times, but it is absolutely necessary to be able to say.

Keep us posted on when youíre going to be heading to the US.
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Old 06-22-2019, 05:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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There is a reason that in AA they say to keep the men with the men and the women with the women. Do not be alone with any males any more, Mera. Please be safe and make sober decisions. In reading through your old posts, seems life is getting more and more icky the more you pick up, so keep on that sober train, hun!! Sending you love and hugs!! and sending you Strength to file charges on this guy.
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