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Old 05-30-2019, 10:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I am a mess! Need a woman's advice...


I haven't posted in forever. I'm sure my tagline has a sobriety date which I know is no longer valid. Ugghh. I had 4 good years of sobriety from 2012-2016 and then the last 3 years I have struggled with my drinking. A LOT. There have been bouts of sobriety in these 3 years, but most of the months I drink. Each time I go back to drinking after abstaining, I take more and more personal risks with my life.

That's where I'm currently at. I'm married, have been for 24 years (together for 26). Before I met my husband, I had another boyfriend. It was all very exciting. I was 20 and he was 27, foreign, cultured, funny, good looking, had a career, etc. I lost my virginity to him and that was a big deal to me. We had a whirlwind romance, most of it long distance since I met him in my small hometown while he was on business, then he returned to his country after only a 2 week stay.

We corresponded for months and he invited me to move back to his country with him. I quit my job (not a big deal since I was only 20) and tied up loose ends, packed my stuff and waited for him to come escort me to Europe. When he arrived in my hometown, we had a few days together before he told me he had decided maybe it wasn't a good idea for me to move to his country, after all. We fought. I put my foot down and said I had changed my life for him and that I was going with him, like it or not!

I went with him and he returned to work, barely talking to me when he'd come home in the evenings. I was staying with his family and his sister was a wonderful friend to me. After 3 weeks, I ended up finding a live-in nanny position in the same country, but a different city. I got my things, was taken to the train station by his kind father (the ex-boyfriend didn't even come to say good-bye) and off I went into the unknown. Not really knowing the new family I would be living with and definitely not knowing the language!

Again, it was a very exciting time for me. I made lots of friends, foreign girls who were also nannies. Most of them had boyfriends. I was introduced to a local guy my age and we fell in love. Over a 3 year period, I learned the language, got a real job in an office setting and got married. I never heard from my ex during that time. I was in contact with his family, though, since they had been so kind to me. Of course, he knew about my life through his family.

Fast forward a few years, my husband and I move to the States. I continue to stay in contact through letters with my ex's sister and his parents. I might have received a letter from my ex one time which I ripped up and mailed back to him.

Then Facebook comes along. His sister and I "friend" each other and later on my ex and I become "friends." He is married at that point but starts bombarding me with "I'm so sorry!" messages. I brushed him off, saying it wasn't a big deal because I ended up meeting my husband because my ex brought me to his country. LOL.

Over the years on Facebook we exchange pleasantries, liking each other's photos, etc. No real meaningful communication. Then I find out that after 17 years of marriage and 1 child, my ex has divorced. No big deal to me. I have no interest in him. He still feels guilty and tells me all the time.

Fast forward, again, 5 years and we are at present day. One day while I had been drinking I send "waves" in Facebook messenger to many friends, he is one of them. He responds right away, almost too quickly. We start communicating and over a few days I learn more about why he dumped me the way he did so many years ago. He still feels guilty, I forgive him and we decide to move on and build a “friendship.”

The problem now is that it has become an emotional affair! We message each other and talk on the phone most every day. He now lives in London and I’m nowhere near him, thank God! We can now actually speak in his native language, which is something we never did when we met because I didn't know it. It's so strange. He tells me he loves me, he wants to be with me. While the words are beautiful and lovely to hear, I know that will never happen. I will never leave my husband.

And here I am, a total mess. I have a wonderful husband, a great job and I don't want for anything. My husband and I are building our dream home, a process that has been in the works for one year now! Our home will be completed in November. What the $*CK is wrong with me?!?! I drink way too much and disclosed this to my ex. He says we all have our addictions. I know that's part of the problem, I am making myself too emotionally vulnerable.

Someone please knock some sense into me. I talked to my ex this morning and I told him I need to get my head straight and that he needs to not tell me he loves me anymore. His response? "That's OK, I don't need to say it, anymore; you already know." Ugghhh! Damn Europeans! In the meantime, my husband knows nothing. This would devastate him and him finding out would ruin my life. HELP!
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Old 05-30-2019, 10:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
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You're headed for a world of heartache if you continue down this road. I think deep down, you know this to be true.

Alcohol has no conscience, no common sense, no fear of consequences. Your judgment is clouded ... alcohol is thinking for you.

Get sober, count your blessings, and enjoy the life you've built with your husband.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh ... I'm giving it to you straight, as you asked. I've seen too many women live with regret and sadness due to poor choices while drinking. Please don't make the same mistake, PippoRossi.
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Old 05-30-2019, 11:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi Pippo,

11 years ago I reconnected, via email, with an old boyfriend. He lived in a different state many, many hours away. We emailed every day, just as friends. Then that slowly changed to a deeper, emotional affair.

At at the time I was communicating with him, I had a 7 mo the old baby, was going to school full-time, and was struggling with my in-person boyfriend.

Those emails turned into phone calls. We were saying “I love you” to one another. Seemed like we were on the same page and that we just needed to be together, forever! Our relationship progressed to the point where I broke up with my boyfriend, boyfriend moved out, my dad BOUGHT the house we shared together so that I had somewhere to live. My ex boyfriend came to visit and guess what....we had NOTHING in common while together in person, there was no future, all the mistakes from the past came rushing back.

My ex went home after one week. I stopped talking to him. He wasn’t the same as the in-line person that I “fell for”.

This is emotional affair, and one week physical affair, has had many consequences- some that I’m still dealing with 12 years later.

In hindsight, I wish that I never would have reconnected with my ex. The emotional affair was “so exciting” and “meant to be” but i am now able to identify that it wasn’t. I was romanticizing the idea of an old but new again relationship. I was excited that someone was paying attention to me, meeting my emotional needs, really just the whole rush of a new love interest.

It wasn’t worth it
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Old 05-30-2019, 11:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you for taking the time to read my long post, Opivotal. Your response didn't sound harsh at all - it's exactly what I needed to hear. I need to get sober and stop this nonsense! My last drink was sometime this past weekend.
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Old 05-30-2019, 11:12 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Wow, Atlast9999. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am headed in the same direction, definitely, if I don't put the brakes on this "relationship." I'm glad I told him this morning to back off. I'm sure he has many women on the side, he's pretty smooth that way. I'm hoping he just shifts his focus to one of them and forgets about me.
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Old 05-30-2019, 11:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Wow, Atlast9999. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am headed in the same direction, definitely, if I don't put the brakes on this "relationship." I'm glad I told him this morning to back off. I'm sure he has many women on the side, he's pretty smooth that way. I'm hoping he just shifts his focus to one of them and forgets about me.
Pippo, thanks for your post. I fell in love too when I was 20 and never really got over it. This seems to be a normal phenomenon for some of us. My story is a bit different but has a few similarities

My Ex became a meth addict and I sensibly left him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and one of the best. I had the most lovely fantasy about him and us. I can still taste that dream. I do occasionally look him up on Facebook. Like you I am glad when he finds someone else as it removes the temptation a bit.

I do think when we fall in love so hard with someone, it indicates some crap in our psyche. Well . . . maybe not for you but definitely for me!

I hope you can gather as much support around yourself as possible. You sound like you are smart enough to know what is going on. Unfortunately no matter how smart we are, those feelings can be so darn strong.

Work on putting some sober time together and dig deep into what this is about. This is so so not fun.
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Old 05-30-2019, 12:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Bekindalways, thank you for your message! The funny thing is I never thought I was in love with this guy. Over these 25+ years I've always had resentment towards him for how he behaved when breaking up with me. And the total arrogance when trying to win me back, again and again, year after year. I guess when I recently finally let him tell me the reasoning behind his behavior, my heart softened a little bit. (Oh, yeah, and then there was the alcohol that helped that along!) Like I said, it was a very exciting time in my life when I met him so many years ago, I was young and free. No matter how good one's life may be, I think we all at some point indulge in a little bit of fantasy of how a different existence would be without all of the current adult responsibilities. It's crazy, I know. It's a reality I recognize and one that I really do not want. Thank you, again, for your insight.
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Old 05-30-2019, 01:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I so appreciate everyone’s comments! I knew I could count on the great ladies of SR to give me some sage advice. 😊
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Old 05-30-2019, 03:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Good luck, PippoRossi.
Here when you need us.
Minute, hour, day at a time, right?
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Old 05-30-2019, 05:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Wow, Atlast9999. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am headed in the same direction, definitely, if I don't put the brakes on this "relationship." I'm glad I told him this morning to back off. I'm sure he has many women on the side, he's pretty smooth that way. I'm hoping he just shifts his focus to one of them and forgets about me.
Hi Pippo, hope you don't mind me chiming in.

When you say "putting the brakes on" do you mean you are going to stop talking to him (ie: unfriend him on facebook and stop talking to him on the phone) or just that you won't allow him to charm you?

Truly, it would be best to just stop don't you think?

You are kind of giving him your power here by "hoping" he will shift his focus. Why is that? It's really your decision whether you want to talk to him or not, not his.
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Old 05-31-2019, 11:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Hi Pippo, hope you don't mind me chiming in.

When you say "putting the brakes on" do you mean you are going to stop talking to him (ie: unfriend him on facebook and stop talking to him on the phone) or just that you won't allow him to charm you?

Truly, it would be best to just stop don't you think?

You are kind of giving him your power here by "hoping" he will shift his focus. Why is that? It's really your decision whether you want to talk to him or not, not his.
Trailmix - whoa. I read your response late yesterday and thought about it the rest of the evening and first thing when I woke up this morning. I've gone real deep with this and it has shaken me to the core, truly. I've done a ton of soul searching today. "Putting the brakes on" means that I absolutely will not be talking to him on the phone anymore. Truth be told, I'm a bit hesitant to unfriend him on Facebook. Why? Although I think it's a very, VERY remote possibility, I do not want to **** him off and have him retaliate by contacting my husband. I honestly don't think he would ever do that (he isn't the vindictive type), but let's just say I don't want to temp fate. I think if I just slowly fade into the background, he will move on. It was typically me who initiated chats, anyway.

Ugghh. I feel so stupid. What a fool I am. Since contact with him feels like another addiction, maybe I need to start keeping track like this:

NO ALCOHOL = 5 days
NO CONTACT W/EX = 1 day (and a few hours)
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Old 06-01-2019, 08:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I actually did count days of no contact with my Ex. It kind of helped as I believed healing was out there after a long time of no contact.

I'm old and not very tech savvy but can't you "hide" him instead of blocking him on Facebook? . . . then you just wouldn't see anything from him?

Well just goofy ideas here. Not sure what you should do but no-contact certainly sounds good.
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Old 06-02-2019, 03:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I actually did count days of no contact with my Ex. It kind of helped as I believed healing was out there after a long time of no contact.

I'm old and not very tech savvy but can't you "hide" him instead of blocking him on Facebook? . . . then you just wouldn't see anything from him?

Well just goofy ideas here. Not sure what you should do but no-contact certainly sounds good.
Yes, I can certainly hide him on Facebook. That's a great idea. He doesn't post very much, anyway. I haven't talked to him at all on the phone. I got a message from him yesterday with a picture of a new plant he bought for his patio. Those are the kind of platonic messages I don't mind receiving. Whatever. I'm on DAY 7 or 8 without alcohol. Clearer mind means clearer thoughts. I am thankful. :-)
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Old 06-02-2019, 06:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Congrats on the sober time Pip. Just keep working on that one day at a time.

Let us know how you get on.
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Old 06-03-2019, 07:29 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Congrats on the sober time Pip. Just keep working on that one day at a time.

Let us know how you get on.
Thank you, Bekindalways. I've been really sad the last couple of days. Not gonna lie, I miss chatting with him. Oh, well. I know with more sober time I won't be this emotional. Ugghhh.
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Old 06-03-2019, 04:32 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Pippo, I'm sorry I missed this thread.

You have gotten such good advice here, and stepping away from this ex is the right thing to do. The fact that you are feeling sad since 'no contact' shows that this is the right thing to do. Good job on staying sober and keeping no contact.
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Old 06-04-2019, 08:59 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Thank you, Anna! Each day I feel better and better. No blues for me today! I feel good and strong.
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Old 06-05-2019, 08:56 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Good to hear you had a day of feeling perkier.

Keep doing the best you can with what ever life throws you!
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Old 06-06-2019, 02:38 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Good to hear you had a day of feeling perkier.

Keep doing the best you can with what ever life throws you!
Thank you for your continued support, Bekindalways! Yesterday was a pretty good day. I have to say that it feels more difficult not having contact with my ex than it does staying away from alcohol. How messed up is that?!? Time for me to find some more "in real life" friends instead of connecting with losers from my past. LOL!
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Old 06-07-2019, 07:40 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Keep going, Pippo! It sounds like you are off to a great start with this situation.
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