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Old 06-07-2019, 10:23 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Keep going, Pippo! It sounds like you are off to a great start with this situation.
Thanks, Atlast! Yes, without the alcohol, I'm seeing the situation for what it is (and that is NOT a budding romance - LOL!). Each and every day I feel better. I feel hopeful. I like these feelings. :-)
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Old 06-08-2019, 04:13 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Today has totally sucked. I've done nothing but obsess about this guy! It's so stupid. Quitting him feels a million times more difficult than quitting alcohol. Have I replaced one addiction with another? How am I supposed to get over this? I can't afford to let this ruin my life and it totally will if I keep it up. The more I obsess over him, the more likely I am to drink, again. And, if I go back to drinking, I know I will 100% pack my bags and fly over to London and meet up with him. Ugghhh - what is wrong with me?!?!?

ETA: I have to be honest, we haven't stopped communicating. I haven't spoken to him on the phone, but we are still messaging each other on Facebook, albeit it's a lot less than it had been. The messages are totally platonic now and he is sharing photos of his weekend trip he's on with his son. Not gonna lie, I totally miss talking to him! I've even gone out online and found a 30 minute business presentation he gave regarding strategic leadership. I love his voice. I'm so pathetic! I'm doomed...!
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Old 06-09-2019, 05:49 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Argh Pippo, you sound like you are fighting the good fight. Please don't drink although if you are I get it. I quit drinking 10 months ago tomorrow. I'd have to say, like you, staying away from my X was way tougher than not drinking. Yeah, weird but we are what we are.

If you can invite whatever you feel about this guy in and ask the feeling what it has to teach you. There is a poem/essay called the Guest House. It is about powerful crap emotions and how to deal with them . . . .this won't cure nor end the feeling but can take the edge off.

Please, please hang tough. Get through another day not drinking. Just. One. More. Day.
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Old 06-09-2019, 06:49 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I'm sorry this is still affecting you so much PR, but not really surprised, it takes time to get past something and remaining in contact, well it's not going to happen.

It kind of sounds, from what you wrote, that you feel like you could drink, throw caution (and reasoning and etc etc) to the wind, pack your bags and drink your way over to London.

In doing that you would be making a decision to bypass the hard part of ending the first relationship before starting the next. You don't come across as that person, which may be why the drinking seems so attractive right now.

All I can think of is - play the tape forward. But perhaps backward first.

Although it was several years ago, remember how he treated you. Also remember that at the time you were together in person, you couldn't even speak the same language (ie: you didn't know him well). He has had your address for years. At any point he could have written a letter of explanation/apology, he chose not to.

Now you have his presentation of himself in chat, do you trust that? He was talking to you while he was with his wife, that's a red flag.

Now ffwd, you drink you hop on a plane and you join him.

He is someone you don't know well. It will end your marriage to your Husband. You will never live in the dream home you two built together, he will be devastated, you might be too.

If you are thinking of joining the ex, then there is a way to do it. Tell you Husband you are leaving him, quit your job, book your flight and go. If you don't want to do that then maybe it's time to cut contact? You know what his intentions are.
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Old 06-10-2019, 12:18 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Argh Pippo, you sound like you are fighting the good fight. Please don't drink although if you are I get it. I quit drinking 10 months ago tomorrow. I'd have to say, like you, staying away from my X was way tougher than not drinking. Yeah, weird but we are what we are.

If you can invite whatever you feel about this guy in and ask the feeling what it has to teach you. There is a poem/essay called the Guest House. It is about powerful crap emotions and how to deal with them . . . .this won't cure nor end the feeling but can take the edge off.

Please, please hang tough. Get through another day not drinking. Just. One. More. Day.
Bekindalways - thank you. Your username is so perfect because you are kind, always. I love the poem that you shared, the Guest House. I had never read it before. I will take your advice and invite in the emotions/feelings and see what they have to teach me. There has to be some silver lining to all of this!

P.S. You'll be happy to know that I'm not drinking. DAY 15 for me.
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Old 06-10-2019, 12:52 PM   #26 (permalink)
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I'm sorry this is still affecting you so much PR, but not really surprised, it takes time to get past something and remaining in contact, well it's not going to happen.

It kind of sounds, from what you wrote, that you feel like you could drink, throw caution (and reasoning and etc etc) to the wind, pack your bags and drink your way over to London.

In doing that you would be making a decision to bypass the hard part of ending the first relationship before starting the next. You don't come across as that person, which may be why the drinking seems so attractive right now.

All I can think of is - play the tape forward. But perhaps backward first.

Although it was several years ago, remember how he treated you. Also remember that at the time you were together in person, you couldn't even speak the same language (ie: you didn't know him well). He has had your address for years. At any point he could have written a letter of explanation/apology, he chose not to.

Now you have his presentation of himself in chat, do you trust that? He was talking to you while he was with his wife, that's a red flag.

Now ffwd, you drink you hop on a plane and you join him.

He is someone you don't know well. It will end your marriage to your Husband. You will never live in the dream home you two built together, he will be devastated, you might be too.

If you are thinking of joining the ex, then there is a way to do it. Tell you Husband you are leaving him, quit your job, book your flight and go. If you don't want to do that then maybe it's time to cut contact? You know what his intentions are.
Thank you, trailmix, for your sage advice. You tell it like it is and I appreciate that so much.

Every day it gets a little bit easier to let this guy go.

You are right: I absolutely do know what his intentions are - and they are not good ones.

A few things I've realized in the past day or so:

1) he has a masters degree in psychology and I believe he's using his book smarts to manipulate me in a very underhanded way.

2) he had been trying to find a way to meet up with me after I mentioned I had never been to New York but may travel there for work this fall. He said he could fly over from London and we could spend some time together.

Even before that, he had mentioned he was coming to New Mexico and Colorado for vacation this summer. I was thinking, "Now why would he try to plan a trip to New York in the fall to meet me when he'll be so close to me this summer and he could just fly to my city?" (I live in the Pacific Northwest.) I then come to find out that this New Mexico / Colorado trip is planned with "a friend" (a lady).

He then said, "But we've promised each other no sex." WTH?!? Why would that topic even come up if the idea wasn't already alluded to? Does he travel long distances for chance encounters with random women "friends"?!? I have a sneaking suspicion that he does this as a hobby. He travels all over the world for work. And on vacation he travels for "pleasure." Ugghhh. I feel gross even talking about it.

Funny, when he walks down memory lane and talks about the places we went together and the things we saw/did all those years ago, I don't remember ANY of it. All I remember is how he broke my heart, abandoned me in a foreign country and left a fragile 20 year old young woman in the care of his parents. What an A-hole.
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Old 06-11-2019, 09:03 PM   #27 (permalink)
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I hope you are hanging tough Pippo.

This last post sounded like you have a good grasp of the situation. Keep working through the days sober and let whatever feelings you have for the guy come and then let them go.

Let us know how you get on.
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Old 06-12-2019, 06:31 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Hi Pippo,

Good for you for countering the romanticized version of this man with cold, ugly facts of this man. It is important to remember why he is your ex.

Congrats for remaining sober as well. Keep moving forward!
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Old 06-12-2019, 12:47 PM   #29 (permalink)
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I hope you are hanging tough Pippo.

This last post sounded like you have a good grasp of the situation. Keep working through the days sober and let whatever feelings you have for the guy come and then let them go.

Let us know how you get on.
Hi, there! Yes, I am hanging tough. Each sober day has me thinking clearer. And I've been doing just that: letting any feelings I have just come and go. That's the healthiest way of handling this situation, I think. Thank you for checking in on me, it means a lot.
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Old 06-12-2019, 12:49 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Hi Pippo,

Good for you for countering the romanticized version of this man with cold, ugly facts of this man. It is important to remember why he is your ex.

Congrats for remaining sober as well. Keep moving forward!
Hi! I'm so happy he is my ex. I can't imagine what would have happened had we stayed together. We'd surely be divorced by now! Thank God for my sobriety!
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Old 06-17-2019, 09:05 PM   #31 (permalink)
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How are you Pippo?

I would think that more has been revealed about yourself and perhaps about this guy too. Man oh man, each one of us is a bit of a psycological mystery!
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Old 06-17-2019, 09:31 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Hi Pippo,

Congrats on your sober time!

FB can be dangerous for this very reason, and I speak as someone who reconnected with an ex years ago. It started as just chatting, then reminiscing, then turned to more intimate conversations. It was at a time in my marriage when we were dealing with lots of issues, I was drinking at the time, and since I wasn’t getting attention in my marriage I was enjoying the attention from him.

In my case my husband did find out. It brought every single issue we were having now in our marriage to a head, and almost caused a divorce, and at the time I was the one who was ready for the divorce. It forced us to deal with our issues, and to re-examine what was important to us and our marriage. We have three kids, and no matter what both of us always put the kids first, but we’d both been guilty of being neglectful to each other. That was about ten years ago, and I can tell you that the whole situation really hurt my husband.

I can relate to the feeling you have now if not wanting to end the communication, it is not easy. It might be a good time to re-evaluate your marriage and see if there is anything missing.

Hang in there my friend, you can cut this off, and continue with your sobriety!
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Old 06-24-2019, 09:34 AM   #33 (permalink)
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How are you Pippo?

I would think that more has been revealed about yourself and perhaps about this guy too. Man oh man, each one of us is a bit of a psycological mystery!
Oh, yes, I've found out a few more things about this guy. When I told him I have a problem with alcohol, he mentioned he had his own issues. He said he "sometimes" watched pornography and that it relaxes him. He also said he sometimes sleeps with several different women in one month. He tried to rationalize it by saying that he hasn't always been like this - that it's something that developed within the last couple of years. Yeah, right. Gross. No thank you!
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Old 06-24-2019, 09:50 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Hi Pippo,

Congrats on your sober time!

FB can be dangerous for this very reason, and I speak as someone who reconnected with an ex years ago. It started as just chatting, then reminiscing, then turned to more intimate conversations. It was at a time in my marriage when we were dealing with lots of issues, I was drinking at the time, and since I wasn’t getting attention in my marriage I was enjoying the attention from him.

In my case my husband did find out. It brought every single issue we were having now in our marriage to a head, and almost caused a divorce, and at the time I was the one who was ready for the divorce. It forced us to deal with our issues, and to re-examine what was important to us and our marriage. We have three kids, and no matter what both of us always put the kids first, but we’d both been guilty of being neglectful to each other. That was about ten years ago, and I can tell you that the whole situation really hurt my husband.

I can relate to the feeling you have now if not wanting to end the communication, it is not easy. It might be a good time to re-evaluate your marriage and see if there is anything missing.

Hang in there my friend, you can cut this off, and continue with your sobriety!
Unfortunately, I chose to drink on Saturday. It was a big mistake, but I'm not drinking now. At least I didn't contact my ex during that time!

I agree, Facebook is a very slippery slope. I thought I could be just "friends" with this guy but it's clear that he's not interested in that unless it leads somewhere else, which it will not.

My husband and I have been incredibly busy the past 9 months with building our new home, packing our household items and getting our current home ready to be put on the market (we list in a couple of weeks). Usually, this is the time of year that my husband and I do a lot of hiking which always brings us closer together. Unfortunately, every spare moment has been focused on house stuff and we haven't been able to spend any time just having fun. That's been the problem. I guess I needed a diversion from reality, but I got more than I bargained for when I started talking to my ex. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though. I just need to stay the course and not drink.
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Old 06-24-2019, 08:56 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Well, kudos to going right back to not drinking and posting here Pippo.

Can you figure out why you drank? What led up to it?
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Old 06-25-2019, 04:33 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Pippo- sorry to hear that you drink. Can you talk to your husband and maybe see if he wants to do something fun? Just ask for what you need. Just say " I need a hour or two away from the house". and if he doesn't agree you could do something fun by yourself for a little bit.
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Old 06-25-2019, 12:22 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Well, kudos to going right back to not drinking and posting here Pippo.

Can you figure out why you drank? What led up to it?
My husband and I were running an errand and a song came on over the loud speaker. It's a song that I love and have heard many times, but for some reason hearing it at that moment made me incredibly sad. When I got home I drank shortly thereafter. I'm telling you, it hit me like a ton of bricks and it was totally unexpected.
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Old 06-25-2019, 12:23 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Pippo- sorry to hear that you drink. Can you talk to your husband and maybe see if he wants to do something fun? Just ask for what you need. Just say " I need a hour or two away from the house". and if he doesn't agree you could do something fun by yourself for a little bit.
That's a very good idea. I think we are both feeling the stress and could use some time away from the house, even if it's only for a couple of hours. I will suggest it.
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Old 06-25-2019, 12:31 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Sounds like your biggest problem is not alcohol. You’re lucky.
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Old 06-25-2019, 01:13 PM   #40 (permalink)
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It's been my experience that the only way to get and stay sober is developing a relationship with a Higher Power and taking the Steps--both of which result in the psychic change that is vital to sobriety.

Maybe time to go to a meeting...
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