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sometimes life is like a vacuum cleaner...

Old 07-16-2003, 10:44 AM
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sometimes life is like a vacuum cleaner...

... it really sucks.

I don't even know how to start this post. I don't know if I'll hit "post" when I've finished. I just feel bad.

I'm depressed. I'm tired. I'm perimenopausal. I don't need to list all the stupid tedious things that are making me that way. You guys know how it is. Sometimes it seems like it takes all the running you can do to stay in one place.

I quit drinking hard a long time ago. I didn't use a program, just stopped. I stopped before any catastrophes resulted from it. I never thought of myself as an alcoholic until I came to these boards a couple of years ago looking for help with my resplendent codependency. I took the quizzes and got a lot of the wrong answers. Okay. I might be. It's always been apparent to me that I can't drink moderately. When I drink... I get drunk. When I get drunk, I want to get drunk again the next day. I never told myself I couldn't have ANY EVER, just got by when the notion hit by telling myself that would not be a good thing to do today. Too much to do. Too risky. Generally that worked out just fine and I forgot about it. (On a few rare occasions I decided it WAS a good thing to do today. The succeeding tomorrow was a bit more of a struggle.) This week... urg... this week is different. It is positively all I think about. And that's kind of a scarey place to be after the last few years of trying to clean up after someone else's using. I think the whole reason I'm writing this is so I don't drive up the street to the liquor store. Not that I don't have plenty to do that should be sufficient to intervene. The normal distractions aren't working. I never had so much sympathy for Rasputin as I do right now.

I know all the good 12 step answers. I know the non 12 step answers, too. But my jaw is aching from gritting my teeth. Instead of chips I may soon be able to award myself little broken tooth shards.

Maybe I should just have said "aaaaaaaarrrrrgh!" Please somebody tell a joke.

Scream, shout, run about.

Post? Delete? Post? Delete? Post? Delete?

Post.

Dop
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Old 07-16-2003, 11:15 AM
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I understand

I can remember being right where you are!!!

Pray the serenity prayer...Pray it until you cannot take praying it again.

Just get out of the bad neighborhood..(your head)
Besides giving you all the 12 step answers...and non 12 step answers....I just want to say

I understand!

Anne
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Old 07-16-2003, 11:22 AM
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(((Dop)))

I won't thump....or I should say I will try not to thump!!

You are right, sometimes life is like a vacuum cleaner...it does suck. But drinking, as you know, will just make it suck worse.

I too also know exactly how you feels. Many times, even today, I find myself at a stop sign asking myself which way to go...dealer house, just maybe he still lives there after all these years, or home. Walking in the grocery store and I see one of those new kinds of drinks that I see advertised on TV that they did not have when I was drinking (I always liked to try the weird stuff), and I think, who would know? Well I would know, that is who. And I would regret it- and so would you.

Maybe the things that you have going on in your life right now and sending your head for a spin. You did the right thing hiting that 'post' button, coming here and sharing feelings has saved my butt a few times.

I don't know if you have ever read the AA BB - but if you haven't you really should. I don't know if you are an alcohalic or not, but I have recommened that book to people that I know are NOT alcohalics, it is a great book to read.

We are here Dop, all your friends, take it just one day at a time, or maybe today you have to take it just one hour at a time, that is okay too.
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Old 07-16-2003, 11:37 AM
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LOL Pauline. Sure, I've read the Big Book. I did say I was resplendent in my codependency. Matter of fact, I've got one right here. The NA version, too.

I have thrown around the idea of going to AA. I feel like a big weenie when I do, though. There are all those people with the heartwrenching tales of destruction, and then there'd be lil' ol me who just doesn't WANT to screw up. Mama told me there'd be days like this. Really. Daddy drunked. Mom is a big believer in predisposition. Mom is pretty smart.

It did actually help alot to write that down... and even more that people read and responded. Now I've got all of you to be responsible to. (Did I say resplendent?)

Thanking you one and all.
Dop
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Old 07-16-2003, 11:40 AM
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Jimminy Cricket. Lord knows I don't need liquor. I just hallucinated a post from Margo on here!
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Old 07-16-2003, 11:41 AM
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I thought so...but I just thought I would double check :p .

I think going to AA would be great. I was pretty down and out when I got clean, I mean living in my car and trading that for drugs while I was living in it was pretty bad...but, I had never been to jail, never slept under a bridge, never sold my body and most of the women I was in rehab with had done those things. They had all been in jail for sure. At first I thought I was different and I told the director of the program that and he explained to me that those are all just 'yets' for me. If I used again the 'yets' would come true.

Going to AA before the 'yets' is an awesome idea.

I am keeping my eye on you Dop!!
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Old 07-16-2003, 11:44 AM
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I suffer from terminal indecision myself - I also have learned how to use copy and paste.

Hi Dop - I've spent the last 30 years on and off drugs. I've "just stopped" plenty of times, but always gone back. I've also spent a lot of years running from the fact that I'm an addict. I've even gotten myself into codependant hell to save everyone but me. To have finally admitted the truth to myself and others was one of the most traumatic things I've ever been through, and I've been through a lot. Conversely, I'm finding that admitting I'm an addict is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I went to my first NA meeting last night - I finally felt I was where I truly belonged for the first time in my life. Maybe it's time to think about a drive to your nearest AA meeting, instead of to the liquor store - it won't hurt, and is certainly less harmful. Just a thought.

Love and hugs.
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Old 07-16-2003, 02:33 PM
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Hi Dop!

Yup, your in a slump now but can get out of it by going to that much dreaded meeting yet again! Maybe it will be just what you need, better that then a hangover and a day of the guilties right?

You will do the right thing, and dredge up all you AA stuff that kept you sober in the past.

Welcome back!


Oh... you needed a joke:

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

(Personally I relate to the Mad Cow term!)
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Old 07-16-2003, 02:40 PM
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Dop
Just wanted to say that I admire you for what you are doing!! What a row to hoe alone!! I dont know how you have done it! I wish you could find a comfy little nook in a aa/na meeting. You could get so much support there. You can also get support here on these boards. I really agree with what the ladies said above me, and I want you to know that you are not alone!!
Keep posting and reading!
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Old 07-16-2003, 03:08 PM
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Well, I decided the only thing to do was to drown my sorrows in excess and gambling. I bought a box of Little Debbie Snack Cakes and lottery tickets. I spent $3.19 LOL But I'm not satisfied. I want ice cream. Or one of those Cappucino milkshakes.

Actually Sky, it has never been hard before. And I think part of it is fear from having dealt with Rasputin for lo, those many years. That and... well... my brother looks a little puffy these days.

And Chy, I never did the AA thing. I bought the books for Rasputin... who skimmed the Blue Book and pretty much said "For people who like that sort of thing, it is the sort of thing they like." Thank you Mr. Lincoln. My bad droopy-dog days were a couple of decades ago.

Thanks for all the thoughts gang. Who wants a cupcake?

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Old 07-16-2003, 03:14 PM
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OOOOHHHHH!!!! cupcake!!!!! chocolate???

ME ME ME ME ME ME !!!!
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Old 07-16-2003, 03:29 PM
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When I read the title of this thread all I could think about is that I am like a vacuum right now. I have this wierd hand to mouth thing going on. I am sucking down anything I can get my hands on. Cigarette, Coffee, Food over and over and over again all day. So I can relate to the vacuum right now. I suck!!!

I think it's because I'm inbetween right now and out of my comfort zone so I'm looking for all those things that comfort me more than I usually do. It's a craving to fill a gap in my life. I usually only do this when I try to quit smoking.

This too shall pass.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 07-16-2003, 03:34 PM
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MG...I know what you mean!!! LMAO!! I just sucked down 2 bottles of caffein free diet coke and earlier today had 2 cigs going at once!! UUGGGH!! Oh never mind....LMAO!!
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Old 07-16-2003, 03:44 PM
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**{DOP}} Thinking of you and sending hugs!!

:kisshug:
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Old 07-16-2003, 05:44 PM
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Dop,

Yes please! My apologies on misreading your post. I didn't quit catch the "did it on my own part" and focused on the "Know all the 12 step answers". Maybe you should just think about it now, pull out that dusty ol big book and have a read.

Good luck to ya... and thanks for the cupcake!
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Old 07-16-2003, 07:48 PM
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Oooooh, I think I've found a temporary cure. If you eat a half box of 2 varieties of Little Debbie's you don't want anything else.:dead: I suck too, MG. (Hi 2stop!) You guys eat the rest of these, okay?

Um... since I've just confessed to having 2 varieties of cupcakes, you may have gathered I went into the outside world again. Coffee. That's all I wanted. Coffee. But the demon got me and I headed back to the snack aisle and the lottery machine. Anyway, I left home with 20 bucks and came back with $21.45 AND my snacks and coffee. It cheered me up a bit. It was like getting a little memo from the universe. "Payment for remaining dry: $1.45, dessert and coffee." LOL!
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Old 07-16-2003, 08:02 PM
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In my world that is called a tangible reinforcer for a positive replacement behavior
 
Old 07-16-2003, 09:04 PM
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Pass the cupcakes, the little debbies, anything with a high sugar and chocolate content!!(Hi Dop!! ) Hope you get to feeling better soon!
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Old 07-16-2003, 09:19 PM
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Reinforced....tangerine.....replace.....actions... ....postivie????

HUH????

Oh im so confused:o
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Old 07-16-2003, 09:53 PM
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I can help you out Sky. I just love words.

Tangible- A hybrid. Cross between a tangerine and any vegetable.

Rein-forcer- The muscle that collects loanshark payments from Santa's reindeer. Why do you think Rudolph's nose is red?

Positive Replacement- A new employee who smugly thinks they won't fire him like they did the guy whose job he got.

Beh-avior- For this one you have to break the word down. Beh is the pronunciation of the letter B in Italian. Avior refers to things that fly. In this case, the B is an abbreviation for BS... which I know you understand. So put them together and you get flying BS... thus beh-avior is simply a reference to the more colorful phrase about something hitting the fan.

Did that help?

Hugs,
Smoke
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