Northerner / My Story
 

For the sake of this narrative I am going to skip a lot of the horror I put myself through, or this could turn into a novel.

I didn't start drinking because I liked alcohol, but to avoid dealing with a 5 year methcathinone addiction which was a tag on from a long line of other substances. It was so much easier to swap to alcohol than just suffering some discomfort and lethargy for a few months, getting clean, then moving on with my life. This is probably one of the worst decisions I have ever made in my life. I swapped a mildly addictive substance that I could have left with relative ease for alcohol.

When I came here 5 years ago I was in a spiral of alcohol and psychedelic abuse. I'd finally decided that I wanted to stop drinking. Obviously things had got worse not better. I was a poor father and and even poorer partner for my wife. I was never aggressive, but I just wasn't "there" emotionally. I was messy and unreliable. I'd been in that place for 5 years already.

I tried fighting alcohol, counting drinks, weaning myself, justifying occasions, excuses, excuses, excuses. I even stopped drinking for 9 months after a brush with the law made me scared I would do something stupid whilst inebriated again and get myself imprisoned. But I never stopped thinking about alcohol, I was always just fighting to stay sober. So, I started drinking again. Even with 2 DUI's under my belt I was driving to work in the mornings over the limit from the night before. Pretty sketchy behavior.

After many sleepless nights in a row, earlier this year I finally arrived at the place where I don't want to drink anymore. I got up one morning and decided it was over. There is no fight. It's just over for me. The thought of being under the effect of alcohol is repulsive. I don't know why it took 10 years to get to this place. Sometimes when things are hard I even remember that I used to drink in those situations, though the desire to drink is no more. It's like trigger memories happening, but the circle doesn't complete anymore. If it's possible to grow out of alcoholism that's what has happened to me.

Now I've been sober since around the start of March this year. I don't even remember the date. I think it was a Wednesday though.

I did do a lot of soul searching though leading up to that point. It was for me like probably like it was for Einstein when he realised relativity. In a blinding moment, after years of thought, it all suddenly made sense. And nothing was ever the same afterwards. The realisation that I don't actually like the effect of alcohol, I don't like what it was doing to my life, that it makes everything harder... instantly. And I like my life being easier.

I'm still repairing bad habits in terms of lifestyle. Trying to find my way socially and recreationally. I've done so little for the last decade I'm not really sure what to do with myself anymore. It is coming together though. Things are starting to make more sense.

One might think that because I'm sober such a short time that I might relapse yet. But there is no doubt in my mind that I will ever go back to that place. For the first time in about 25 years I am free of daily drug use nor fighting it psychologically. It's liberating in a way that I haven't felt since my early teens. I'm finally me again.

And finally a message to other poly-drug users who have turned to alcohol, because perhaps we are not like other alcoholics. Our addiction is addiction itself not alcohol in particular. There is no solace for you there though, only a numbness that shades your eyes from the truth of your life. If you need help psychologically seek help, don't try and blank out the truth, you can never do that. There is no absolute sin, only forgiveness that you haven't given yourself yet. Be kind to yourself, like you would a small child.

Thanks for sharing your story Forester. Its great you've been sober since March.
I'm really hopeful for you, really barracking for you this time, man :)

D

good share
join some of the threads
post lots
support to you

Welcome. Keep coming back. Iwndwyt

Welcome back, Forester!

Thank you for sharing your struggle with us.

Wonderful post. :)

Thank you for sharing, great read.

Thank you, great post.

How?
 

Did you quit Cold Turkey? And how much were you drinking, if you do not mind my asking?

I just stopped. It had reached a point where I thought strongly about how drinking was making me feel. Sure it tastes good at first, but the reality was I wasn't even enjoying it after that. It lead to feelings of insecurity and doubt that I would just drown with more alcohol. Followed by days feeling like crap and chasing the escape. There was no part of it that I actually enjoyed anymore.
I was drinking between 40 and 60 drinks a week. Often more, rarely less.
I'm still losing weight and feeling better all the time. I often forget that I'm still in recovery as I rarely think of alcohol anymore. But my body knows. It's gonna take a year or two to really come right. It's a long road to come back from for me now. But that's fine.
Actually on the weekend passed I had a weekend to myself, which is rare. Normally in the past I would get a case of beer and eat acid and carry on at home by myself. But I just didn't want to. The thoughts came a few times, but it wasn't convincing at all. I think I'm growing out of psychedelics as well. It just doesn't interest me anymore. I'm not sure what does interest me at the moment, but it's not getting trashy.

Health
 

I guess I was just wondering of you were afraid of the possibility of DTs.......

What Kind....
 

.....of alcohol? Did you day beer only?

I wasn't really worried about heavy DT's, I was able to not drink for a couple of days without bad physical side effects before I stopped for good. I experienced a mild hand tremor, but no seizures or anything like that. And yes, I was drinking mostly beer at the end, though I'd spent plenty of time drinking red wine and rum beforehand.

As far as I know you have to dig yourself in pretty deep, generally, to get heavy physical withdrawals. For the vast majority of people alcohol addiction is 95% psychological.

So now I have been sober for more than 250 days according to my guestimations. Time flies hey. :)

I still don't feel any cravings or even think of alcohol in any way that involves me drinking it.

Occasionally I still feel some regret for the years that I lost. I apologised to my wife and thanked her for for sticking with me for all those years. I don't know how she felt about this, but it was something that needed to be said. She said "Of course, I love you". I think that means she knows I would stand by her in her time of need as well. Or something. I don't know. But there's no need to dwell anyhow.

My kids are very resilient. They seem to have forgotten that I ever drank and just want to get along with the party of being young. It's business as usual as far as they are concerned. I'm so thankful that I found a way out of drinking before there was any permanent damage done to their growing souls.

I dropped 10 kilos this year, the weight just fell off me. I need to buy new belts for my pants now. Nice.

I'm thankful to this site for being there when I needed to talk and there was no place I felt safe. Especially to you Dee, you were there from the start. Thank you.

So much to be thankful for.

I'm glad to read that update Forrester - congrats :)

as for time wasted - well I've done more the last 12 years than I did in the 20 before that, so there's that...a lot of fences mended :)

D

Just thought I'd check in, the thought of this site just came to me out of nowhere.

So it's more than a year living sober now. I've been on holiday (the first time in many years), I've bought a new car, my kids are running circles around me but they seem a lot happier than they did before. So many things are being overcome in so many ways.

I'm not really sure what a lot of the problems were that used to surround me but I can tell that they aren't there anymore. It's quite unusual to watch. It's a different new life that took place of my old one. I haven't thought of alcohol other than when it comes up in conversation or remembering how I used to drink for a good long while now. It just doesn't appear anymore. Thankfully the revulsion of it has gone away, that was a pretty unpleasant thing, it's just nothing now.

I could seriously use some more exercise and social time but life is so insanely busy. My wife's condition continues to deteriorate and that's a reality that is going to continue. I just have to accept that. At least I can be supportive and understanding now. The confusion has passed. I went for a checkup recently and all my blood work and vitals came back great. I'm so grateful to be able have that.

Forrester

I'm really glad you're doing well Forrester tho I'm sorry for the news about your wife....sounds like you getting sober has been a gift for everyone involved tho,

:You_Rock_
D

Thank you for sharing.
At this point (9 days in) I am voraciously reading your story and so many others. I need to remember what it was like, the horror of it all, so I don’t take another drink. What struck me tonight was your line about driving into work the next morning still over the limit. I appreciate your story.