I’m sober, boyfriend relapsed
 

I am currently 20 months clean & sober from all mood and mind altering substances.

I met my current boyfriend 5 months ago, we went on a date and it was amazing. Problem for me was he only had 60 days sober and was just coming back from a relapse. We ended up taking different paths.

Fast forward and we reconnected, we’ve been dating a month now. We have so much fun together and we can talk about anything. Finally feel like I don’t have to wear any masks.

Then he relapsed, to me is seems out of no where but as an addict myself I know how this works. He’s been drinking now for 8 days, he cut contact with me about 3 days ago - no apparent reason. I’ve been reaching out knowing he won’t answer me, inviting him to meetings, letting him know I’m thinking of him etc.

I am very active in recovery attend 4 meetings a week have a strong support group. Work the 12 steps in my life. I feel like my knowledge of addiction and having been exactly where he is now is clouding my better judgement.

I’m emotionally drained and I’m so hurt he’s cut me out, even though I know it’s not me. I’m just at a loss on how to proceed right now.

Hi and welcome Meg

I'm sorry for what brings you here. I think you know that there's not a lot of joy ahead if your bf stays in active addiction.

It doesn't sound like much fun now...imagine it 5 years from now?

D

Welcome, Meg. :)

I know you're hurt, but it doesn't sound like you have any path forward without the bf wanting help.

You reached out with no response. Time to let go and get on with living.

Congratulations on 20 months!

Hi Meg,
I was in a similar situation back in 2012, however heroin was our drug. I was a month short of two years sober and my (then) boyfriend had 90 days, most of which were courtesy of a recent jail stay.

He had gone through periods of not returning my calls, blowing off plans to go to a concert or would call me at odd hours of the night to talk. I saw so much of myself in him that I found it hard to just walk away. On Memorial Day weekend, he picked me up and brought me back to his place-where I later found myself, virtually alone, in a bathroom with a bag of dope, a shoe string and a needle while my boyfriend was passed out on the living room floor. I was an hour from home, without a car and primed for a relapse!

Long story short, I reached out to some friends and ended up flushing the **** which sparked a huge argument between us when he came to. My friend picked me up, fed me, took me rollerblading, we watched movies-I did what REAL (sober) people do for fun! I found a new boyfriend, who became my husband and we've been together for 5½ years.

As for my ex, that argument over drugs was the last time we spoke. I learned that he died of an overdose last year. He left behind a son the same age as my son, as well as a daughter who was born a few years after we stopped talking. That girl will never know her father. Some people are just incapable of changing and as my dad tells me, you can't save everyone.

Remember your happiness is an important part of your recovery. Hopefully he'll come around but if he doesn't, you have to know that it's because HE'S not ready yet; it has nothing to do with you.