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Would welcome an insight into the mind of an alcoholic.

Old 02-22-2021, 10:47 AM
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Would welcome an insight into the mind of an alcoholic.

Greetings from the UK, and with my apologies for posting here, if it's inappropriate please move or even delete.

We're all here for various reasons, and all have different circumstances, but united in our need for guidance, support and fellowship.

I've been a regular reader and sometime poster on the family and friends support threads for some time now. I'm teetotal and have been for over three years now but for six years have lived with an alcoholic. Someone who in a typical week drinks six nights, passes out at least four nights, and who gets through nine bottles of wine a week. She's regularly tired and tetchy the next day. She regularly drinks in secret. She regularly hides empty bottles in random places. She regularly makes stupid excuses for going to the shop to get something random or other, only to come back with wine. Like many I suspect, it's all or nothing. The idea of a drink or two is anathema. It's either none or a bottle and a half.

So, longstory short, I'm trying to understand what goes through the heads of people in this situation. Do they want to cut down, do they feel awful the next morning, do they still get hangovers like regular drinkers, do they know they're drunk and behaving ridiculously or is their sense of reality so warped that they just don't see it (or in fact, do they see it but just suppress it in order to carry on), how do they feel when they wake up having passed out on the sofa?

I think knowing some real life thoughts from those that have lived this will be helpful in helping me understand and empathise with what my wife is going through. I've done well to detach myself as best I can from her drinking but I doubt anyone on here needs me to articulate the loneliness, despair and abject misery that comes from living with and loving someone who is alcohol dependent.

Thanks in advance for any insights you're able to offer.
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Old 02-22-2021, 11:18 AM
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Hi Bidgdrunner

I think it's impossible to give one solid answer to your question as in my opinion all people are different, addicts or not. Some may be that delusional or feel entitled enough that they don't feel any remorse or don't admit to themselves that there's something wrong with their behaviour. Others are full of fear, shame and regret and still can't stop the compulsion to do it again.

In my case I didn't realise that my drinking was different to other's. I grew up around my dad's extremely heavy drinking and since he runs a very successful business and is functioning, never day drinks etc, I just didn't classify that as problematic or even alcoholic. To me an alcoholic was someone who is old, homeless and poops his pants regularly. Someone who drinks 2-3 bottles of wine a night while still going to work the next day and looks put together just has a "good" tolerance. That's how I saw it until my life circumstances changed, I was able to work from home during the hours I wanted to and suddenly I found myself day drinking. Even that I was able to justify / rationalise for a while ("A glass of white wine helps me to get energised in the morning, it's my type of coffee, it helps with my low blood pressure...") And at that point my by then partner had already pointed out that I am always drinking when he comes home from work. I didn't think about his comment at all, it didn't lead to reflection, I just brushed it off and took a note to myself to stop using the wine glasses and drink out of normal water cups instead, so he wouldn't notice.
What made me seek help was when I noticed that I was too anxious to get anything done if I didn't drink. That I couldn't start the day or leave the house without a few sips. I thought I had just developed a bad anxiety disorder but talking to a few therapists opened my eyes and I realised that I would go straight into withdrawal if I didn't drink every few hours.

Luckily I managed to quit once I had that realisation, so for me there was probably a lot of behaviour that looked insane or at least suspicious from the outside but I was unaware of that aspect at that time. And later, once I knew I had a problem, I was well aware and desperate enough to change.

For many people it has been very different though. My partner for example, who is also in recovery, knew from a very young age that he drank alcoholically. But he kept going anyway, thinking he'd deal with it soon enough. He often felt deeply ashamed when he heard about what stupid or dangerous things he did when he was drunk, felt absolutely rotten and demoralised the morning after a bender and was full of self hatred and dispair, thinking he'd never make it out of the addiction.
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Old 02-22-2021, 04:45 PM
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So, longstory short, I'm trying to understand what goes through the heads of people in this situation.
Do they want to cut down - yes more than anything. More than anything I wanted to be able to have 2 drinks and no more. Or no drinks and a hot chocolate instead to help me sleep. Or not drink Monday to Thursday and only on weekends. Or only drink 1 glass of wine a night. Or no spirits anymore just beer or shandy. It never works if you are a problem drinker. We all make plans like these. It is a common trait. They rarely succeed.

Do they feel awful the next morning, do they still get hangovers like regular drinkers? Yes. I often woke up still drunk. So my hangover didn't kick in until the afternoon. The only thing that made me feel better was another a drink. When I learnt about hair of the dog, thats when I knew I was in trouble. There is a saying in AA about being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Thats what everyday becomes like. You just feel sick and tired every day.

Do they know they're drunk and behaving ridiculously or is their sense of reality so warped that they just don't see it (or in fact, do they see it but just suppress it in order to carry on), how do they feel when they wake up having passed out on the sofa?
Drinking gets rid of the anxiety part of a hangover. It gets rid of the physical illness of a hangover. I became past caring. I was so unhappy in life, I didn't care anymore. I was unhappy at work, at home, with family. Drink was a comfort blanket. I used to wake up cold on the sofa at 3am most mornings. If I had drink left, I would have another one. I would feel crushed I had let it happen again. I was powerless to change it. It was a cycle or a prison I could not break free from. More than anything I wished I could have been like a "normal girlfriend" - in bed at the same time, at a decent hour, teeth brushed, 3 step cleansing and moisturising routine, ready to sleep and lights out.

Some other facts

1. Driving home from work without booze was like a military process. These were my continual thought processes - "you can do it" too "just a half bottle, then bed at 9pm" to a half bottle is only 20p less than a full bottle. What a waste of money, I will get a full one and make it last 2 nights". It never lasted 2 nights.

2. The off licence/supermarket/Co-op/garage are impossible to pass by in the car without stopping. It's like they emit a magnetic force that will not allow you to drive past without buying a bottle. The sheer worry of going home without drink is unbelievable pressure. We usually never go to the same one either. There will be a rotation of shops and stop offs on the way home or if we pop out for booze. We don't want the shop keeper thinking we have a problem.

3. The state of the recycling bin is a constant source of stress and shame. The noise when it is emptied, the glass clinking, the cans..........wishing they were diet coke and not G&T.

4. I'm going to stick my neck out and say this. Most of my female friends drink at least a bottle of wine every single night of the week. I had a manager who drank 2 bottles every single night. The arrival and popularity of Prosecco in the UK has magnified this. It is to a degree accepted and it should not be. It is not normal. A bottle of wine contains 8 units. 2 bottles can be 16 units a night. That is over 112 units a week. In the UK, for women, safe units are between 14 to 21 a week. It has to stop somehow. Your wife will probably know she is drinking too much. If she was like me, then I questioned my drinking every single hour of the day. Why was I drinking so much? Was it bad to drink every night? Was it bad to start at 5pm? Does anyone else do this? Why is it so hard to drive home from work and not pick up a bottle on my way home?

For a long time, I made excuses. Like well I'm not drinking as much as so and so. She drinks 3 bottles of wine. That girl from work, she drinks 2 large gins every lunch time. I don't drink during the day, so I bet I am fine. I have never driven drunk and that neighbour does, so I must be alright. It is like a constant chatter in your head. It never stops.

For me I had to stop.
It was all or nothing for me.
I never lost my job, lost my licence or became homeless. However my drinking was a problem because it made me unhappy and the people I loved unhappy and that was enough to make me stop.

I learnt everything I knew about addiction here at SR.
I went too AA and found it to be a place of wisdom, knowledge and support.
I listened and found similarities with their drinking and mine.

You can go to an open meeting and listen.
You can go to an Al Anon (for family members of Alcoholics) and learn about red flags and listen to sharing of experience.
At the moment Covid has stopped group meet ups but there are many meetings taking place on Zoom.
Why not go and ask questions? You don't have to tell anyone. No-one will know if you don't want them to.
You do not have to commit life membership. It's take what you need and leave the rest.

All these questions will be answered.
You cannot make your wife go or stop drinking.
Thats her decision.
However you can put yourself in the best possible place by acquiring knowledge, understanding why and learning how to respond to the situation.

I'm not sure if you know but alcoholism is classed by the medical profession as a disease.
It is seen as no different to cancer or MS.
It has stages.
It is incurable.
It is a progressive disease.

Maybe your wife does not have the disease of alcoholism. No-one wants to be an alcoholic. Ive never met anyone who wants to be married to one either. Or have one as a parent. Would it not be a sensible move on your part to understand better so you can respond better?

I wish you the best xx




Last edited by Sasha4; 02-22-2021 at 04:50 PM. Reason: Adding
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Old 02-22-2021, 05:00 PM
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2 great responses here.

Active alcoholics are all different, but the chaos they/we bring has common points.


I've done well to detach myself as best I can from her drinking but I doubt anyone on here needs me to articulate the loneliness, despair and abject misery that comes from living with and loving someone who is alcohol dependent.
There's no rule anywhere that says you need to deal with all this alone and no rule that says you have to stay in a situation that brings you such ongoing pain, although I understand that many make a decision to do so.

Keep reaching out for support - you deserve it every bit as the alcoholic in your life does

D
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Old 02-22-2021, 05:14 PM
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From kevlarsjal2 post -" He often felt deeply ashamed when he heard about what stupid or dangerous things he did when he was drunk, felt absolutely rotten and demoralised the morning after a bender and was full of self hatred and despair, thinking he'd never make it out of the addiction"...........this was me.

How did I respond to this shame and and self hatred?
First swore to myself thats it a new me.
No more drinking ever.
​​​​​​​As the day goes on my resolve to not drink starts to waiver.
Especially if no-one has called me out on my behaviour - I cant have been that bad can I?
Drive past last shop on the way home and cannot continue my journey without the magnetic force dragging me inside to buy vodka.
Usual half bottle routine goes through my head.
Come out with large bottle as it's more sensible money wise.
Drink it all in 1 night.
Wake up at 3am on the sofa.

There is an exception to this process.
If stories of shame are presented to me upon opening my eyes, start drinking straight away.
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Old 02-22-2021, 05:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Bidgdrunner View Post

So, longstory short, I'm trying to understand what goes through the heads of people in this situation. Do they want to cut down, do they feel awful the next morning, do they still get hangovers like regular drinkers, do they know they're drunk and behaving ridiculously or is their sense of reality so warped that they just don't see it (or in fact, do they see it but just suppress it in order to carry on), how do they feel when they wake up having passed out on the sofa?
Hi there.

Whoa. To go inside the mind of an alcoholic. Eeek! It's not someplace I like to go unattended and I am the alcoholic lol.

I will try to answer your questions from my own experience as honestly as possible.

1. Did I want to cut down?

Yes. Absolutely. When I said I was only going for one drink I meant it. What I didn't know and what I found out in recovery is that I suffer from a physical allergy to alcohol. That as soon as I put one drink in me I set off a phenomenan of craving so strong it is impossible for me to stop. I now know it is the first drink that does the damage.

2. Did I feel awful the next morning?

Absolutely.100% . Terrible. Not only from the physical effects, such as banging head, dehydration, sweats, racing heart but also from the mental effects. Terror, bewilderment, despair, frustration. The Big Book of AA describes it as the 4 horsemen. Also, guilt, shame, remorse. Towards the end of my drinking I pretty much woke up feeling suicidal every morning.

3. Did I get hangovers like regular drinkers?

Erm to be honest I don't know because I don't really know what regular drinkers hangovers are like. I was never a regular drinker. I drank alcoholically pretty much from the get go. I guess in terms of the physical effects then yes, they are most likely similar. In terms of mental? I once asked my sister who was suffering from a hangover if she felt like she wanted to kill herself and she looked at me like I was mad! So maybe not.

4. Did I know I was drunk and behaving ridiculously?

No. I probably knew I was drunk in all fairness but when I was drunk I was truly insane and at that moment in time I probably did not have a clue that I was behaving ridiculously. When I was drink I thought I was right and everyone else was wrong.

5. Was my sense of reality so warped that I didn't see it?

Absolutely! My drunken life was the only one I knew and when I was in the madness my thinking was totally warped. When I sobered up I could see how bad I had been but my solution was to have another drink and blot it out. Fix the problem with the problem. Insanity.

6. How did I feel when I woke up from the sofa?

Dreadful. I would drink in my lounge until i passed out on my sofa and probably come to around 3/4 am. I would either stagger to bed and just throw myself in and try to get back to sleep, or perhaps if there was more alcohol I would drink that and then stagger to bed. Or if I had any sleeping tablets I would use one to knock me out. Awful.


I hope I have managed to answer your questions but I am not sure how helpful they may be. I am not sure if a non alcoholic will ever be able to understand the alcoholic mind. It's hard enough for us alcoholics to understand. In fact I dont even try to now. I have acceptance that I am alcoholic and I have a solution to treat it and that is good enough for me.

Please feel free to continue asking for help if you feel you need to try and gain more insight.

🙏♥️

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Old 02-22-2021, 05:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Bidgdrunner
So, longstory short, I'm trying to understand what goes through the heads of people in this situation.
I can only describe what went on in my head (but in talking with many people over the years who have also been addicted to a substance, others have described similar experiences.) Being addicted is like being of two minds. One part of you wants to quit, and often vows to do so every day. The other part wants to continue drinking. The part that wants to continue drinking will use all kinds of rationalizations and justifications to continue drinking no matter what. Sometimes I could battle for a few days with that *other* part of my brain for days and hold strong and not drink, but eventually it became too hard and I'd give in...seemingly against my own will. It was like a part of me loved alcohol more than anything, and a part of me hated it more than anything. That can be exhausting as you can imagine.

There are many models of addiction, the disease model being just one. Neuroscientists have studied addiction and new understandings come about all the time, as do new understandings/theories of the best ways to end an addiction. Among all the various theories and treatments...they have one thing in common. The only way to end an addiction to alcohol is to stop drinking alcohol. How one gets there is the question. There are choices, but the bottom line is nonnegotiable if you want to end the state of addiction.

I know the pain of addiction and I also know the pain of loving someone who is addicted. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope you both find relief from this. It's no way to live.
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Old 02-22-2021, 08:37 PM
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I find this thread oddly comforting. Kevlar, Snitch & Sash - that was me, 100%. The only thing I would add for the OP is this: the foundation of your question is that what your partner is doing is irrational, and you cannot understand why she continues to choose the same thing. To the alcoholic, alcohol is the solution & the world is the problem. I didn't believe I could survive without it. Insane, I know, but that was my reality, logic be damned.

I am grateful for this sober life, and also for this thread to remind me what preceded. To forget is to invite it back into my present.
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Old 02-22-2021, 11:50 PM
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Thanks everyone for your insightful responses. I find it oddly comforting that my wife is wrestling and struggling with these challenges, as I suspected, but clearly at odds with all her assertions to the contrary. Not because I like that fact, far from it, just because it's really helpful for me in trying as best I can to understand and deal with it.

Last night she came home and spent the night drinking from her usual water bottle. It was only later at bed time that I noticed she had stashed an empty wine bottle on a shelf (of all the places to hide it this was the most stupid) and that she had poured the bottle into her water bottle to drink, as if I wouldn't notice! I guess it's that warped sense of reality and belief that plainly irrational behavior is justified and excused as reasonable or normal that sets alcoholics apart. I see also what many say about wanting to stop. I guess anyone who knew they were going to get drunk every night would just shop in bulk and be done with it, but with her it's a trip to our local shop (we live in the countryside so there is only one) pretty much every night. Even when she does a 'big shop' at larger shop in town she'll only buy 2-3 bottles, and they'll go that night. Otherwise, come 17:00, she's making excuses to go to the shop (last night wee needed bread apparently) and then she's off to her study alone for 90 mins.

I appreciate everyone was different as a drunk, but there are plenty of themes emerging, not least plenty I see in my wife.

Sge also sleeps appallingly. If drunk she'll pass out snoring if she's lucky enough to have got to bed in time, but often wake and be restless and up by 05:00. I assume this is the effects of alcohol wearing off? I guess the next step for her (she's not there yet thankfully) is daytime drinking to take the edge off?

Thanks everyone, I really welcome your honesty and your candid thoughts on whatever dark places you've been, really helpful.
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Old 02-23-2021, 03:08 AM
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Last night she came home and spent the night drinking from her usual water bottle. It was only later at bed time that I noticed she had stashed an empty wine bottle on a shelf (of all the places to hide it this was the most stupid) and that she had poured the bottle into her water bottle to drink, as if I wouldn't notice!

My mum does similar.
She hides a glass of wine in the back of the fridge and secretly sips it throughout the day.
The problem is she starts visiting the fridge every 3 seconds which is strange behaviour.
As she sneak's more sips she gets more drunk and replacing the glass becomes noisier and more noticeable. She is not as slick at it.
When this happens she moves the glass to behind a photograph frame in the kitchen.
Then she stays in the kitchen cleaning and washing up and tidying.

She thinks we don't know. However she does not realise that it is strange to have family over then her spend most of the time in the kitchen, not interacting, secretly drinking. Or so she thinks. We sit in the living room without her hearing the fridge open every 30 seconds saying to each other "lots like mum has hidden a glass of wine in the fridge again"

I did call her out on it.
I wasn't aggressive but I said mum why not just bring the glass of wine you are drinking from into the living room. I've driven for over an hour to see you as its Easter/Christmas/my birthday and you have spent 90% of the time hidden in the kitchen.

Have you spoken to your wife about her drinking?
There are ways to speak that can make it an easier conversation to have if you are worried or don't know where to start.
Do you mind me asking how long you have been married?
Has it always been like this?

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Old 02-23-2021, 04:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Sasha4 View Post
Last night she came home and spent the night drinking from her usual water bottle. It was only later at bed time that I noticed she had stashed an empty wine bottle on a shelf (of all the places to hide it this was the most stupid) and that she had poured the bottle into her water bottle to drink, as if I wouldn't notice!

My mum does similar.
She hides a glass of wine in the back of the fridge and secretly sips it throughout the day.
The problem is she starts visiting the fridge every 3 seconds which is strange behaviour.
As she sneak's more sips she gets more drunk and replacing the glass becomes noisier and more noticeable. She is not as slick at it.
When this happens she moves the glass to behind a photograph frame in the kitchen.
Then she stays in the kitchen cleaning and washing up and tidying.

She thinks we don't know. However she does not realise that it is strange to have family over then her spend most of the time in the kitchen, not interacting, secretly drinking. Or so she thinks. We sit in the living room without her hearing the fridge open every 30 seconds saying to each other "lots like mum has hidden a glass of wine in the fridge again"

I did call her out on it.
I wasn't aggressive but I said mum why not just bring the glass of wine you are drinking from into the living room. I've driven for over an hour to see you as its Easter/Christmas/my birthday and you have spent 90% of the time hidden in the kitchen.

Have you spoken to your wife about her drinking?
There are ways to speak that can make it an easier conversation to have if you are worried or don't know where to start.
Do you mind me asking how long you have been married?
Has it always been like this?
Yes, we've spoken dozens and dozens of times. We've been together 20 years, married in 2004. Been six years since I first raised her drinking with her as sensitively as I felt able, and we've had many chats since then. Every time it's the same - that she doesn't have a problem, but that she'll cut down. This happens for a few weeks and then we're back to where we've always been - drinking at least six nights a week, really drunk at least five of those, passing out at least four. I'm bored and stressed by it, and clearly she is as her drinking is becoming increasingly secretive. She rarely drinks in front of me preferring to start earlier and hide away while working, emerging from her study at 18:00, clearly drunk and manifestly failing not to show it.
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Old 02-23-2021, 01:16 PM
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I guess what put things into perspective for me was being the sober one in a relationship with a severe alcoholic in addiction addiction.

I can only compare it to being held hostage.
He drank vodka neat from the bottle in the supermarket coffee shop at 10am in the morning.
He hid it under a coat and took swigs.
He lied constantly about drinking.
He would go missing for days.
There was no point having a conversation because he would never remember.
No point making plans because if he was drunk he wouldn't remember.
He lost his job twice.
He would ask to come detox at mine as I had a powerful shower and a nicer flat and iced water in my fridge.
He was rude to my neighbours.
He left his daughter with me so he could go drink, even though he had dragged his ex wife through the courts for custody of her every other weekend.
It was nothing short of horrific but it was also so incredibly dull and boring.

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Old 02-23-2021, 06:15 PM
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My stomach dropped when I read your post Bidgdrunner. I have had much in common with your wife and I also married in 2004. I've had years like you describe. About 4-1/2 years ago my dear husband gave me an ultimatum to quit or move out. I did quit that day and made it 6 months. Then I relapsed secretly for 6 months, then I quit for 18 months, then relapsed again for 2 years. Now quitting again. I never moved out and I never drank in front of my husband again. He's a decent man and a very good husband. I feel great shame about my drinking. I hold a job. We are all different but certainly share many patterns, the water bottles, hiding bottles in plain sight, drinking in my home office, the denial, the store runs, etc.

I obviously took great risks but I never wanted to leave our marriage or our house or our pets. That ultimatum was life-changing but I'm obviously still trying to change. Just sharing another experience. I don't know if my secret drinking was known by my husband, probably, maybe. I have also gone to AA meetings off and on over the years after that ultimatum. Even in relapse, I am always trying to quit. Your post makes me want to try harder. I hope there is some seed of benefit in my reply. Your post really touched me.

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Old 02-23-2021, 11:48 PM
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Originally Posted by silversky View Post
My stomach dropped when I read your post Bidgdrunner. I have had much in common with your wife and I also married in 2004. I've had years like you describe. About 4-1/2 years ago my dear husband gave me an ultimatum to quit or move out. I did quit that day and made it 6 months. Then I relapsed secretly for 6 months, then I quit for 18 months, then relapsed again for 2 years. Now quitting again. I never moved out and I never drank in front of my husband again. He's a decent man and a very good husband. I feel great shame about my drinking. I hold a job. We are all different but certainly share many patterns, the water bottles, hiding bottles in plain sight, drinking in my home office, the denial, the store runs, etc.

I obviously took great risks but I never wanted to leave our marriage or our house or our pets. That ultimatum was life-changing but I'm obviously still trying to change. Just sharing another experience. I don't know if my secret drinking was known by my husband, probably, maybe. I have also gone to AA meetings off and on over the years after that ultimatum. Even in relapse, I am always trying to quit. Your post makes me want to try harder. I hope there is some seed of benefit in my reply. Your post really touched me.
Hello, and thanks for replying. Can I please just say one thing from my own experience that it is almost impossible for secret drinking to actually stay secret. I can tell within 15 seconds not only that my wife has been drinking, but also how much. Up to half a bottle means she's overbearing and overly talkative. Up to a bottle means she has slightly glazed eyes and a puffy face, over a bottle and and she staggers and slurs, sand close to two and she passes out. I can also smell it a mile off, and when she sleeps drunk she snores like a motorbike!

So, I expect he knows, and is either too stressed, depressed or bored to do anything about, or he's decided he loves you so much he'll just put up with it.

I've given my wife a few ultimatum now, but she's still not at the state where she accepts a problem. Passing out is because she's tired, or had too many paracetamol or some such, totally ignoring the can of beer and two bottles of wine (last night's effort) that she'd drunk and which we've just spoken about right now.

Your husband either really loves you, or is scared witless about the alternative (or probably both) but either way, chances are, he'll be lonely, depressed, stressed and in total emotional turmoil about what he can do to help you or address the situation. Ultimately, it's in you to realise and change and his only real options are to put up or to leave.

Good luck, and thank you for your thoughts, I'm finding this thread really helpful.
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Old 02-24-2021, 05:00 AM
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Thank you for your feedback. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure my spouse would say the same. It's eye-opening. I kept pushing the envelope and got away with it. In the throes of it, there is no clarity, no ethics. I have been reading more threads from loved ones and seeing things I didn't realize. The idea of "detachment" is fairly new to me. Sadly I interpreted the silence as "no consequences." I was getting away with it. I didn't go to rehab but there were many times I thought of it as the only way to eliminate access. I wish I could say something more helpful. Your post spoke to me and I thank you.
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Old 02-24-2021, 06:23 AM
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Originally Posted by silversky View Post
Thank you for your feedback. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure my spouse would say the same. It's eye-opening. I kept pushing the envelope and got away with it. In the throes of it, there is no clarity, no ethics. I have been reading more threads from loved ones and seeing things I didn't realize. The idea of "detachment" is fairly new to me. Sadly I interpreted the silence as "no consequences." I was getting away with it. I didn't go to rehab but there were many times I thought of it as the only way to eliminate access. I wish I could say something more helpful. Your post spoke to me and I thank you.
If your husband is anything like me then he would be stressed and anxious and disappointed beyond belief. I honestly don't know how I've had the emotional energy and the bravery to try and discuss this with my wife, yet again, when I'm faced repeatedly with belligerence, denial and angriness. I get that those emotions in her were coming from a dark place but how many times can I raise it. They say the definition of insanity is repeating that same thing time after time and expecting a different outcome. Eventually we just grow tired of raising it, just to have our head bitten off, so we end up in some kind of silent stand off, our lives simply treading water while work and kids and family carry on around us, both of us stressed and grumpy, but not able to break free. There's only two ways to resolve it. The first is for the alcoholic to take steps to address their behaviour and addictions, the second is for the couple to separate so no one is then bothered by the drinking. Neither seem imminently likely in my case, and so my life slowly passes me by.

I really appreciate you taking the time to post, understanding and empathising is an excellent place to start from in trying to inch our way forward.
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Old 02-26-2021, 12:15 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
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I drank (wine) at home alone and after about six months of drinking, I had progressed to drinking in the morning to stop the awful anxiety. I was constantly ashamed of myself and hated myself, wishing I were dead. I thought I was no good to anyone and might as well drink myself to death and be done with it.

I finally reached the point where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. That was over 11 yrs ago.

I hope your wife decides to stop drinking.

We have a "friends and family of alcoholics" forum you might find interesting and helpful.
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Old 04-05-2021, 07:37 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
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@soberlicious i don't know how to make this a quote properly...in regards to your words below:

"I can only describe what went on in my head (but in talking with many people over the years who have also been addicted to a substance, others have described similar experiences.) Being addicted is like being of two minds. One part of you wants to quit, and often vows to do so every day. The other part wants to continue drinking. The part that wants to continue drinking will use all kinds of rationalizations and justifications to continue drinking no matter what. Sometimes I could battle for a few days with that *other* part of my brain for days and hold strong and not drink, but eventually it became too hard and I'd give in...seemingly against my own will. It was like a part of me loved alcohol more than anything, and a part of me hated it more than anything. That can be exhausting as you can imagine.[/QUOTE]"

This is the first time I've read anything that made any sense about that. I've had my two minds experience with mental health, but never thought of it as related to my AH's promises followed by drinking again right away. This is such a straightforward way to put it, and I have a good idea what you mean. I can see that in him when I think about it. Thank you for this gem of a description.
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Last edited by Cura; 04-05-2021 at 07:41 PM. Reason: Quote not showing up as a quote!
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