After 20 years....drank again.
 

Trying to go to AA meetings. I have had heart to heart with 3 people in the program .Nobody wants to be around a negative person with lots of problems. I have asked people to meet for coffee or walk. They don't get back. One guy told me I talked too much. He said we don't have 2 eyes and one mouth for nothing. WHAT! Who does this to people that are desperate and hurting. Today they spoke of humility. I am working on self confidence. Very confused. Friendless depressed and overwelmed.

Hi and welcome Lilli :)

Its not clear to me if these are people in AA that you know or people in a meeting you went to.

Maybe a different meeting could help. I'm not an AAer but people have always told me the newcomer is the most important person in the room.

I know you'll find support here too - come check out the newcomers forum:

Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D

Hmm. I thought that was pretty much all of us at one time or another? :hug:

I'll go to virtual coffee with you! ['cept I'm gonna have diet coke]

I can't begin to understand [or imagine] what it must be like to start over after 20 years. But I'm so glad you came back!! Is there maybe a Beginner's Meeting around where you're at? Maybe people there would be a bit more . . . welcoming?

I've also had times where it's been really hard for me to connect and make friends. Frustrating cuz it seems like everyone else has a posse of a dozen or so "best friends." Please don't let it get you down! Hit some different meetings. Talk to people you haven't seen there before. I love this "new-fangled texting thing". Easier for me to start out by texting than actually speaking! ;)

And like someone very close to me recently reminded me, people who treat you like that aren't supposed to be in your life. You deserve better than that. Keep looking! You'll find it. Hey, if an introverted loner can do it . . .

Where ya wanna go for coffee/soda?

Welcome to SR Lily
You will find a lot of support here so I hope you will stick around and read and contribute.
You had 20 years of recovery so you know a thing or two about staying sober and I m sure your experience will benefit the newcomers.
I sent you a friend request, don't hesitate to PM me if you need support.

Hang in there and don't listen to the naysayers. You can do it and we've got your back :hug:

Welcome to SR, Lilij!

This is a very supportive community. Picked me up when others wouldn't.

Make yourself at home. We care. :hug:

After 20 years.... Drank again
 

Hi Lilij, after reading your post I just wanted to say that you are incredibly courageous to share your journey here with us. I have long term sobriety and have struggled and been very close to giving up some days. I encourage you to keep reaching out, trying new meetings as you will find some meetings feel more supportive than others. You need to be loved back to health by other members. You have my love and prayers. All the best! Someday, maybe right now, your story will help another. Hugs

Welcome newslife :)

D

If they dont want to go for a coffee and say you talk too much *** EM, no compassion at all from them, I hate that, stay here and keep posting good luck

Welcome, Newslife! :)

Lilij, just go slowly and everything will be ok again, you' ll see... :)

Welcome blackswan :)

D

Welcome...

Welcome, blackswan! :)

What I like about being here in SR
is that there are so many folks, all
walks of like, different stages of recovery,
but are all here for many reasons looking
for help, suggestions, guidance, healthier,
effective solutions to problems in life
that baffle us.

SR is one of many lifelines we can use
to our own advantage to helping us
achieve health, happiness, and overcome
many other obstacles in life.

I read your post earlier before walking
away for a moment to pull myself together
for the day having sometime to reflect
on what you wrote.

This coming Friday I will be sober a
many one days at a time collected together
to reach 27 yrs sobriety.

27 yrs is just a number yet it is a miracle
and an accomplishment due to continued
daily maintenance on myself and daily life.

I know that my sobriety birthday is
a few days away, but I cant focus on
that, because I have learned to live
in today. Friday is down the way but
anything can happen between today
and then. I mean, I pray nothing does,
but then, I have no control over what
happens in the future.

Anyway, staying sober each day is
a continuing learning process on
myself and life. Which got me to
thinking. If I got sober a many number
of yrs ago and slipped today, id have
to ask myself, what caused me to slip
and take that drink.

Were there some under lying issues
from the past that I did not address
or work thru to resolve? Are there
lessons I should have learned long
ago but haven't yet? Maybe I just
don't want to change them thinking
they wont hurt anyone else and yet
my selfishness and dishonesty has
kept me sick all these yrs later.

Yep, I have to continually check for
character defects, fears, dishonesty,
etc that would keep me mentally, emotionally,
spiritually sick but today I have that
guideline of recovery taught to me
yrs ago to help me avoid slipping back
to old behavior or even picking up a
drink.

Just because I'm not drinking any longer
doesn't mean I'm cured of this aweful,
dangerous disease of addiction. Sure,
I put it to sleep yrs ago, but to pick up
a single drink, would awaken that horrible
monster that remains alive. Yes, its been
asleep or dormant for a long time but it
continues to grow. Meaning after all these
yrs, if awoken it wont be an infant but will
have had 27 yrs of growing and developing
waiting patiently to be awoken and wage its
wrath and strength on me and those who
come in contact with it.

Today, I refuse to want to face that
demon and the only way to keep it
in its place is to simply live life with
the tools, knowledge and guideline
of a recovery program taught to me
and learned over the past 27 yrs.

No, I'm not thru learning because I
will remain teachable with willingness
and an open mind to live life with purpose
accountability and meaning.

You can too. :)

Starting sobriety over again I know is rough. Makes it easier when we realize how much better our lives were when we were not drinking. You didn't kill yourself while out there as many I know have when they returned to the drink. Be grateful and stay sober today. The days once again will add up for you.
Bob

:c011:
I'm here recently, and I like it here! Indeed, as at home.

Happy you joined us, Flam!

Nice to meet you. :)

Hi Lilij,
First... a hug :grouphug:
It takes courage to come back.

I used to go to AA meetings and my shares would be off topic and always just rambling about my problems. People would cringe when I raised my hand. But I thought this was what AA was. Wasn't it a support group? Like, group therapy? Weren't you all there to help support one another? Weren't you all going to tell me what to do? Why didn't anyone ever want to go out for coffee with me?

I used to feel exactly like you did. I was so hurt by how these people treated me, with their curt slogans and not seeming to care that I was hurt and in pain. Fast forward a decade later, and now I understand what AA is. Unfortunately it's not group therapy like I thought it was. They're not there to offer advice, comfort us when we're down, or to make us feel better. They will help us recover from our spiritual malady, however, and will be glad to do it and watch us get well.

The purpose of an AA meeting is to help us recover from alcoholism. We use our basic text, the "big book", to take the steps to get a spiritual awakening which will help teach us how to solve not only the alcohol problem, but all our problems, by applying the principles of the program on a daily basis.

I'm not sure I understand this right, but I'll take a guess: "Today they spoke of humility. I am working on self confidence. Very confused." AA meetings have certain topics they discuss, which all relate to the 12-step work. The purpose of the 12 steps is to have a spiritual awakening to recover from the disease of alcoholism. It's not group therapy where people can discuss different things they are working on. Humility is something very important in working the steps. Self-confidence--sort of off topic. I hope that helps from someone who's been there and felt lost, alone, confused, rejected, angry, abandoned and ignored in AA in the beginning but now I am well.

My advice to you would be use SR here for the kind of support and friendship that you need right now. And go to AA meetings to work the steps with a sponsor to recover from alcoholism.

I truly hope this helps. :grouphug:

My experience at AA meetings people have been free to express their problems and the other members are respectful and understanding. However, if you go off script on the 12 steps or question them this causes many of them to visibly bristle. It is not advisable to discuss your lack of belief in a interventionist God or higher power, no matter that they claim it is not a religious programme. There is a lot of great content and wisdom in AA teachings but it is very rigid, disagree with or question any of the steps the conclusion is something wrong with you and you are doomed to failure. I still go and find it helpful, I just ignore the bits I don't agree with and as they say focus on the similarities not the differences.

Hey. No worries you can be my friend! :)

I know how difficult it can be...Unfortunately, even in AA sometimes people form their own little cliques like in HS.

Hang in there. Also, sometimes it can be our addiction that is causing us to feel like others are ignoring us. The important thing is to not give up. Not all personalities mesh. Not everyone is nice. But there are friendly people out there too. Just keep being yourself and you will attract others like you. Learn to become your own best friend. That will attract others too.

I struggled with friendships my whole life. Especially because of my Bipolar disorder I tend to isolate myself when I feel down when I should be doing the exact opposite. Just keep putting yourself out there.