Hey Lily, Iím so glad youíre here. Iím at 49 days, and frankly, I donít mean to be unctuous but you accomplished something incredible with 20 years, and though I know it sucks to feel so much pain over a mistake and itís completely valid, that mistake certainly doesnít take away from what you accomplished. I mean, think about it: all the wisdom youíve accrued, all the times over you navigated this beast.
I find that as an alcoholic (hadnít had more than two days sober in over five years, and pretended like it wasnít a problem), my tendency to look to others for validation is a huge part of my overall problem. Regardless of my one addiction, my propensity for mitigating my loneliness through drinking/drugging with people led to highly undesirable places, all because their desertion would have left me with a hole in my heart. One of the reasons I felt compelled to respond is that your response to a perceived failure is exactly what mine would be, I think... I almost project my past self (actual, much worse actions) onto the skin of my current situation, while today I am in a better mental place and I feel MUCH better,enabling me to be kinder to myself. Dearest one, you can persevere through that mental space by remembering that many an alcoholic is also an *******: one way my current program is different is how I remind myself that just because someone else is following a program and is sober, it does not make them qualified to be a good friend. Perhaps we have nothing in common. However, you will find that, with kindness to yourself and self accountability balanced as the ultimate goals, that youíll have your coven of sober friends in no time.
. I have to say that Iím lucky as hell: my town alone (small college town) has an average of twelve meetings per day, and Iíve met college students in recovery, so I canít imagine how ****** you must feel, as I felt a micro dose of your feelings at a couple meetings I then NEVER went back to due to feelings of slight to acute repulsion. Feel free to PM me!