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Old 06-02-2017, 07:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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After 6 years of not drinking.....I relapsed.


Ok.
Highly disappointed in myself.
I was doing so great for so long, (6 years of no alcohol. Anything.) but last June, something happened. And I picked it up again. My husband, his depression went out of control. He was in outpatient for six months. (For depression.) It took a toll on me and def. our marriage. I stopped eating. I just became so depressed. I went from 120 pounds to 109. And this was in the span of… A month, maybe? Maybe less? So, at the convenient store, I saw the wine, and thought "why the hell not? I'm miserable."

I even considered leaving him for his "best friend." That is so messed up isn't it??? I cut things off with his "best friend" completely. So ashamed of that as well. But husband has forgiven me. (What a trooper. dear Lord.) I believe that my husband and our relationship NOW is doing very well. But, (he as well) has begun drinking daily. We have been drinking together....In the evening. Sometimes mid to late afternoon… Starting around 3, earliest. And this is EVERYDAY. - I'm so ashamed. I have a fresh five year old daughter for Christ's sake. I still am a happy playful stay at home mom. Go places with her during the day. (NOT while drinking.) and I exercise...fully functioning, here. But, every afternoon/evening, the urge is so f'ing powerful. I feel so powerless. Like I did 6 years ago. Felt powerless.
My newborn was the reason I stopped and I swore I would never pick it up again. A liar, I am.

I can go through a bottle of wine and three beers like nothing. Every night.

I am 32 now, and I know this is wreaking havoc on my body and I might have terrible consequences in the long run.

I have contacted a rehab facility, but Lord , unGodly expensive, and a month away from my child who just accepted into an amazing private school? She wouldn't get it, and I definitely can't shell out 20 grand at the moment.

My family, exception of my husband, have NO CLUE. Say they are proud of me. (I want to cry buckets every time I hear that. Awful.)

Ok, you guys have helped so many people in the past. So many people. I have not been on this message board sense, 2013, I think? I need your help. Please. I need you to be my cheerleaders here. I will keep my phone by my side and bookmark this page.

Any advice or tips you can give me would be great. Apparently I can get sober if a fetus is in my uterus, but, I really do not want another child… And who is to say that it would not happen again? I need help guys. I'm desperate. Much love.

-Nat
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Old 06-02-2017, 08:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
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The fact that you know it's a problem and you want to fix it means you can do it!
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Old 06-02-2017, 08:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
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(Jeez so many grammatical errors here.)

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Originally Posted by Knat84 View Post
Ok.
Highly disappointed in myself.
I was doing so great for so long, (6 years of no alcohol. Anything.) but last June, something happened. And I picked it up again. My husband, his depression went out of control. He was in outpatient for six months. (For depression.) It took a toll on me and def. our marriage. I stopped eating. I just became so depressed. I went from 120 pounds to 109. And this was in the span of… A month, maybe? Maybe less? So, at the convenient store, I saw the wine, and thought "why the hell not? I'm miserable."

I even considered leaving him for his "best friend." That is so messed up isn't it??? I cut things off with his "best friend" completely. So ashamed of that as well. But husband has forgiven me. (What a trooper. dear Lord.) I believe that my husband and our relationship NOW is doing very well. But, (he as well) has begun drinking daily. We have been drinking together....In the evening. Sometimes mid to late afternoon… Starting around 3, earliest. And this is EVERYDAY. - I'm so ashamed. I have a fresh five year old daughter for Christ's sake. I still am a happy playful stay at home mom. Go places with her during the day. (NOT while drinking.) and I exercise...fully functioning, here. But, every afternoon/evening, the urge is so f'ing powerful. I feel so powerless. Like I did 6 years ago. Felt powerless.
My newborn was the reason I stopped and I swore I would never pick it up again. A liar, I am.

I can go through a bottle of wine and three beers like nothing. Every night.

I am 32 now, and I know this is wreaking havoc on my body and I might have terrible consequences in the long run.

I have contacted a rehab facility, but Lord , unGodly expensive, and a month away from my child who just accepted into an amazing private school? She wouldn't get it, and I definitely can't shell out 20 grand at the moment.

My family, exception of my husband, have NO CLUE. Say they are proud of me. (I want to cry buckets every time I hear that. Awful.)

Ok, you guys have helped so many people in the past. So many people. I have not been on this message board sense, 2013, I think? I need your help. Please. I need you to be my cheerleaders here. I will keep my phone by my side and bookmark this page.

Any advice or tips you can give me would be great. Apparently I can get sober if a fetus is in my uterus, but, I really do not want another child… And who is to say that it would not happen again? I need help guys. I'm desperate. Much love.

-Nat
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Old 06-02-2017, 08:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Sounds like you need to get yourself better, what ever it takes! Is your other half interested in stopping with you?
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Old 06-02-2017, 09:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Not sure...

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Sounds like you need to get yourself better, what ever it takes! Is your other half interested in stopping with you?
I think in his heart of hearts, he feels bad about daily drinking, again. He thinks it is his fault that I went back into it… He has only said that once, however. We were at a restaurant last May, and he ordered an IPA. He said to me, "what is the harm in just having one sip?" I refused. It just smelled so good and...I was literally burying my face in my plate so I didn't have to smell it. This was when he was in outpatient, as well. Probably should not have been drinking, but you know how it goes. Oy vay...
So, is he interested in stopping with me? I think he would be… But I would have to be the one who (grudgingly) initiated it. I mentioned the rehab facility to him, and me being away for an entire month, the cost, and he went nuts. We really cannot drop $20,000 right now.

I think I came back here so I could receive the help I desperately need from you guys. How to cope with the cravings. I mean, I have been drinking heavily pretty much every night for an entire year. Jesus.
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Old 06-02-2017, 09:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Also...

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I think in his heart of hearts, he feels bad about daily drinking, again. He thinks it is his fault that I went back into it… He has only said that once, however. We were at a restaurant last May, and he ordered an IPA. He said to me, "what is the harm in just having one sip?" I refused. It just smelled so good and...I was literally burying my face in my plate so I didn't have to smell it. This was when he was in outpatient, as well. Probably should not have been drinking, but you know how it goes. Oy vay...
So, is he interested in stopping with me? I think he would be… But I would have to be the one who (grudgingly) initiated it. I mentioned the rehab facility to him, and me being away for an entire month, the cost, and he went nuts. We really cannot drop $20,000 right now.

I think I came back here so I could receive the help I desperately need from you guys. How to cope with the cravings. I mean, I have been drinking heavily pretty much every night for an entire year. Jesus.
Him stopping would probably put him back into a depressed state. I would just probably be quite irritable and quiet. And that is quite tough when you have an extremely active five-year-old. We are good parents. We do not curse in front of our child, no judgment to those who do. Nor do we spank her, again, no judgment to those who do. It is their choice. I just know that it probably did not help me when I was growing up.
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Old 06-02-2017, 10:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi - keep stopped NOW. After a 5 year time of sobriety, I fell completely and lost almost everything. You have the gift of youth and a young daughter. She doesn't have to know you as a drunken fool and trust me, it only gets worse. My daughters are just now speaking with me. I can not take back the suffering I put them though, but I can be present now. Do whatever it takes to stay sober.
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Old 06-02-2017, 12:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi - keep stopped NOW. After a 5 year time of sobriety, I fell completely and lost almost everything. You have the gift of youth and a young daughter. She doesn't have to know you as a drunken fool and trust me, it only gets worse. My daughters are just now speaking with me. I can not take back the suffering I put them though, but I can be present now. Do whatever it takes to stay sober.
You are so right. I am going to buy the financial bullet and go to recovery. Thank you so much. Much love
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Old 06-02-2017, 01:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You will not regret getting help! Blessings to you
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Old 06-02-2017, 02:18 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You will not regret getting help! Blessings to you
It's going to be hard as hell. Being away from my dear Madeline, who is 5, for 31+ days....but, I have to be strong and think long term, don't I?
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Old 06-02-2017, 02:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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It's going to be hard as hell. Being away from my dear Madeline, who is 5, for 31+ days....but, I have to be strong and think long term, don't I?
I will say that I don't see myself as "a drunken fool". lol Completely functioning....but, ****, making excuses is terrible. My family does not know I relapsed. And they're about to hear it. And be PISSED at picking up some slack, especially my husband who works full time. ****. I know what I have to do. ThNks for your real and honest response. It instilled fear in me and....yeah, that's all I can say. Thank you, thank you
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Old 06-02-2017, 04:56 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Welcome back Knat

when you're sinking down for the third time, you do whatever it takes to stay afloat and you kick towards dry land...

I'm glad you've decided to start kicking

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Old 06-02-2017, 05:02 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Good to see you, Nat - but so sorry for the pain you're in.

I was sober for 3 yrs. once & picked up again without giving it a single thought. It was before I found SR. I was just going to have 'a glass' of wine. (As if!) I went back out for 7 yrs. You aren't letting another year go by in this state - be proud of yourself for that. No one understands how hard this is but your fellow alkies - so please lean on us. We are here to listen and help.
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Old 06-02-2017, 08:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Knat- support is what you need now. Meetings? Counsellor?
You certainly have my support. Do not l8ive in the 'what if's' fear- work on getting better- not doing it again. You, apparently like the rest of us- are not perfect...hmmmm- you are humans. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and with others (like me) to support each other- continue up the path.
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Old 06-03-2017, 08:12 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Welcome back Knat

when you're sinking down for the third time, you do whatever it takes to stay afloat and you kick towards dry land...

I'm glad you've decided to start kicking

D
Thanks, D. This is the worst. But, thanks for letting me lean on you guys for support.
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Old 06-03-2017, 08:18 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Knat- support is what you need now. Meetings? Counsellor?
You certainly have my support. Do not l8ive in the 'what if's' fear- work on getting better- not doing it again. You, apparently like the rest of us- are not perfect...hmmmm- you are humans. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and with others (like me) to support each other- continue up the path.
Meetings and counselors did not help me in the past. I quit drinking in 2011 because...lol...I got pregnant. And...I mean, I went 9 months without having a drink and I felt like I did not need one. I felt great after month 5. I remember thinking (while pregnant) "wow, what a fresh feeling this is..." Cont.

I am heavily considering this freaking expensive month long recovery place, but, my husband is against it. It would shock the rest of my family (considering they do not know that I relapsed in 2016.) It's in California. I am in Texas. I would only get to speak to them three times a week for 10 minutes. 31 days.

Does it sound crazy that I am looking at you guys as my other option??? Way less expensive. And I know us fellow addicts have some tips/tricks up the sleeve. My mind is so clouded now that I just can't get it. I want that cloud to go away.
But, after 5, I want the anxiety of it to go away so....you win Red Wine.
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Old 06-03-2017, 08:24 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Good to see you, Nat - but so sorry for the pain you're in.

I was sober for 3 yrs. once & picked up again without giving it a single thought. It was before I found SR. I was just going to have 'a glass' of wine. (As if!) I went back out for 7 yrs. You aren't letting another year go by in this state - be proud of yourself for that. No one understands how hard this is but your fellow alkies - so please lean on us. We are here to listen and help.
Hevyn, thank you so much. I know you guys get it. Any tips/ tricks??
I got "it" ("It"being the being sober being great feeling) for so long, but, it's like that feeling has left my brain. In the day, I say I'm not going to get that wine....and come afternoon....it's like, an itch. In a couple of weeks, it will be one year that I fell off the wagon.

Again, tips, advice, whatever. That'd be great.
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Old 06-03-2017, 11:42 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Your life is worth as much as your child's. When you realize this, I believe you'll take action. Alcohol is not worth the time and energy you, me or anyone else gives it. Eventually, it catches up with all of us. There are no free passes.

I waited for the "Sober Fairy" to show up. Something or someone to do the work for me, stop me from drinking. Well, she never showed up and I was slowly killing myself. I was forced to dig deep, do whatever it took to get sober. Was it easy? No, but anything worth having never is right?

Start by not drinking today, keep posting and reaching out for support. We're here for you Knat. You can do this!
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Old 06-03-2017, 05:02 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Your life is worth as much as your child's. When you realize this, I believe you'll take action. Alcohol is not worth the time and energy you, me or anyone else gives it. Eventually, it catches up with all of us. There are no free passes.

I waited for the "Sober Fairy" to show up. Something or someone to do the work for me, stop me from drinking. Well, she never showed up and I was slowly killing myself. I was forced to dig deep, do whatever it took to get sober. Was it easy? No, but anything worth having never is right?

Start by not drinking today, keep posting and reaching out for support. We're here for you Knat. You can do this!
You are most definitely correct. "Sober Fairy", I like that.
God bless, this is going to be difficult. But, thank you for taking the time and explaining the effort to which I need to take. Tonight, I will begin this hellish process. I will, honestly, let you guys know how it goes.

Thank you for being direct and honest.

-Nat
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Old 06-03-2017, 05:13 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Guys...

I don't even know you, but, you are all (I feel) like I have right now.

I know, not telling, my entire family is so dishonest. That is why I am calling myself a liar.

They do not 'ask', at all. They assume. Because I stay physically fit and seem to be in great shape.

This is something that will NOT last forever.

Shelling out 20 grand is...hellish. Any other recovery effort (in this area) would require a hospital with a terrible ratio. (Patients to counselors.) They almost seem like they are reading from a GD book when trying to help us.

Ok, so more water? Movies? I don't want to indulge in food or nicotine. I know there is no "sober fairy", opivotal put it. But, I need constant and daily recognition.

I hate to sound nuts, but, I already love you guys based on the support and advice you are giving me.

-Nat
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