SoberInCLE

Hey,

Have any of you all noticed a need to seem smarter than you are? I used to be able to laugh off things I didn't know because deep down I felt I could figure it out, or, so what, who knows everything right? I was reasonably confidant without being overbearing. This was a real part of my personality that I remember and I've been sober 18 months and I am realizing that this person is gone. I'm actually very concerned about seeming smart. I have trouble admitting things I don't know to myself (which actually just makes it harder to learn! haha). It is very isolating and not how I see my true self although I do believe I act in this impersonal way now.

I had an up-and-down life the last 25 years and I think I just lost this ability as my failures mounted, especially in my post-college twenties where I lived in this semi-alcoholic drift. Not that I am now spectacularly unsuccessful - people who know me may think quite the opposite - but I can't help but long for that person I was - and want what I have now.

What do you guys think? Can I break out of this mentality and be myself again?

Best
SoberInCLE via PDX

SoberInCLE

I would boil this down to - I don't know how to laugh at myself anymore, how do I this?

SoberInCLE

I don't know. I feel a lot better today after venting. I guess changing my attitude is just a choice.

Dee74

I'm glad you feel better

I dunno I was always looking for external validation as a drinker...once I worked out who sober me was, and once I felt I was the best I could be, or at least working to that I was less worried what people thought of me.

Could be it's an age thing too for me - how old are you soberinCLE?

D

SoberInCLE

46. IDK if it's age related, Dee. It probably has a lot do with worrying about what other people think. Being sober is helping me realize how much time it does take to master anything and I enjoy that. I have to work on my weekends to figure things out for my new job whereas I was pretending I didn't need to do that until recently. So I guess when I reserving all my time for drinking instead of learning I must have been building up this facade.

SoberInCLE

I found an interesting article on two mentalities you may adopt as they relate to learning. One is "fixed" where effort doesn't factor into it and you worry about new challenges exposing your weaknesses and the other is "growth" where you accept what you don't know and use it to improve your efforts.

It's a good read if anyone's ever felt a similar challenge. Not sure we can cross-link to other sites but I'm going to try.

Carpathia

I definitely struggle with this issue. For me it's tied to acoa stuff.

I can think of an incident just the other day where someone asked me "Do you know what this is?" I felt shame building up as I said, "No."

It feels uncomfortable admitting I don't know, especially around someone who "seems" smarter than me. I want to appear equal in order not to suffer the shame of feeling 'less than'.

I like words and I like the way they sound, but I don't always use them in the correct context. I pick them up while reading, and then assume I know their pronunciation and meaning instead of making the effort to look them up in a dictionary. It's laziness.

I take it as growth that this trait has been pointed out to me and I don't mind. I'm learning to tolerate being wrong and not feeling shame about it. We're all wrong some of the time. It's a pity we as humans are so keen on throwing stones at those who make mistakes. I suppose it's because we don't know how to offer empathy and compassion. How can we offer to others what has never been taught?

I still like saying unusual words. (But I've made a note to self to look up their meanings first!)

I read the article about fixed vs. growth learners. Those researchers suggest this type of mindset starts very early in life.

Ah, we are always a work in progress, aren't we?