Where I was...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Perth WA
Posts: 150
Where I was...
Where was I?
I was looking for someone, somewhere to hear me, more importantly me to hear myself!
So, I was aged 41, Sunday morning after my first night on my own since Tuesday night when my Car broke down on way home from work, no fault of my own, brakes, service all very recently up to date blah blah, looking after my wheels as it is my road to bread and butter lol. So... Wed, Thurs night stayed at one of my besties houses as I live half hr drive from work, then came home Friday, went to the pub with my other bestie (I am so blessed to have two amazing best friends, alcohol involved or not...) Home Saturday, did nothing all day!! Started drinking about 4pm, no kids home til Sunday at 5... About an hour in started googling alcohol help forums. See I know I am not ready to open up to others... i tell my friends I drink too much and they know I do, but not to the extent I do.
So, as much as every day I have for a long time I said to myself I have a problem, I admitted it openly (yes online, make believe world) but still... Admitting it. I also went to lunch Sunday with my Mum and told her I was going to only drink on Weekends. A little more admittance I have a problem....
Why do I drink?
You tell me.... And no excuses! There is no reason why. But maybe a reason I started, continue, feel comfortably numb....
So... Timeline maybe? Age 11, favourite Uncle due to be heart transplanted on by Dr Chang, dies suddenly (or not so suddenly with needing a heart transplant, but we all thought he had more time)... Few months later, Aunty disappears, never to be seen again for 5 yrs until her body was found, murdered. Very hard seeing parents go through this, with a Great Aunt pass also. Fast forward, I am 18, oldest brother dies in a car accident (always with me that night and pain 😢
. Nanna then passes away and only surviving sibling starts his Neverending journey through mental health of being a Paranoid Schizophrenic. The toll this took on my family can not be explained, and to this day is ongoing.
Life goes on for me... After a not so nice relationship 16-19 meet a guy, who ends up nearly killing me, had a relationship with him from 19-23. Very abusive and soul destroying, I learnt the daily world of alcohol. Yes my choice, young and dumb. Thought I could 'save him' made it out alive.... Just... Didn't open up to anyone, especially my family still grieving. But wish I was stronger back then and pressed charges, anyhow.... Met the most wonderful gentle sweet guy. He was safe! Got married, a year after marriage his three children (including a stepson) came to live with us fulltime. Mum was just not interested in being a Mum. We went on to have two children together and I went from a young girl to Mother of 5.... Gosh I wish I'd learned to cook lol.
Life went on, my stepchildren were, and are all still amazing... Mum came in and out every few yrs to say hi then overdosed about 5 yrs ago when they were all adults. Through our marriage a tree fell on our house, I was the first one on the scene of a horrific car accident out the front of my house where three teens died, our house flooded in a storm... Through this period my Dad who I was so close to was diagnosed stage 4 cancer, a month after my son was born ( first thing I googled on my first computer) , he was my hero, my it will be ok, just relax person. He lasted 8 months. My world was rocked, this was the longest I went without alcohol!! 2 weeks when he was diagnosed, so sad, so lost.
Oh! Did I mention alcohol? I'd drunk all along, since about 17 consistently. Both my parents never drank, come from a long line of alcos.... So I grew up in an environment with no alcohol. Not that it was ever a big thing or shunned upon, just wasn't part of my upbringing.
So... Stepkids grow older, move out, I decide to go back to uni and get a career. Do a 4 yr degree and get an amazing job, I still am in, love, have a passion for... But very intense and stressful. But rewarding!! Nothing to come home with bruising, bites, spat at etc . But best job in the world.
Anyhow... Appears I love my job more than my kids or anything else., I don't!!! And I am an amazing Mum! May not be able to be there every school event but try my hardest but am there all school holidays.... Compromise.
So... Just before I turned 40, I realise/decide, no more, as much as I love my husband, I haven't been in love for years ... (And no, it was no surprise to him, I am a huge communicator) so I call it quits. I break my children's heart and his and turn everyones world upside down. We are all doing really well nearly 2 yrs on, I have a house and so does he and we share custody week about. But it hurt so many people but I'd never change that, the future is better for all... We have a very amicable relationship which is wonderful but there has been hard times for the kids over the time.
So I was drinking heavily, single, 41, feeling lost and extremely lonely but telling myself more and more something has to change.
Thankyou for reading and making this such a welcoming place.
Everything I am reading is giving me hope and making me feel that there is hope.
I was looking for someone, somewhere to hear me, more importantly me to hear myself!
So, I was aged 41, Sunday morning after my first night on my own since Tuesday night when my Car broke down on way home from work, no fault of my own, brakes, service all very recently up to date blah blah, looking after my wheels as it is my road to bread and butter lol. So... Wed, Thurs night stayed at one of my besties houses as I live half hr drive from work, then came home Friday, went to the pub with my other bestie (I am so blessed to have two amazing best friends, alcohol involved or not...) Home Saturday, did nothing all day!! Started drinking about 4pm, no kids home til Sunday at 5... About an hour in started googling alcohol help forums. See I know I am not ready to open up to others... i tell my friends I drink too much and they know I do, but not to the extent I do.
So, as much as every day I have for a long time I said to myself I have a problem, I admitted it openly (yes online, make believe world) but still... Admitting it. I also went to lunch Sunday with my Mum and told her I was going to only drink on Weekends. A little more admittance I have a problem....
Why do I drink?
You tell me.... And no excuses! There is no reason why. But maybe a reason I started, continue, feel comfortably numb....
So... Timeline maybe? Age 11, favourite Uncle due to be heart transplanted on by Dr Chang, dies suddenly (or not so suddenly with needing a heart transplant, but we all thought he had more time)... Few months later, Aunty disappears, never to be seen again for 5 yrs until her body was found, murdered. Very hard seeing parents go through this, with a Great Aunt pass also. Fast forward, I am 18, oldest brother dies in a car accident (always with me that night and pain 😢
. Nanna then passes away and only surviving sibling starts his Neverending journey through mental health of being a Paranoid Schizophrenic. The toll this took on my family can not be explained, and to this day is ongoing. Life goes on for me... After a not so nice relationship 16-19 meet a guy, who ends up nearly killing me, had a relationship with him from 19-23. Very abusive and soul destroying, I learnt the daily world of alcohol. Yes my choice, young and dumb. Thought I could 'save him' made it out alive.... Just... Didn't open up to anyone, especially my family still grieving. But wish I was stronger back then and pressed charges, anyhow.... Met the most wonderful gentle sweet guy. He was safe! Got married, a year after marriage his three children (including a stepson) came to live with us fulltime. Mum was just not interested in being a Mum. We went on to have two children together and I went from a young girl to Mother of 5.... Gosh I wish I'd learned to cook lol.
Life went on, my stepchildren were, and are all still amazing... Mum came in and out every few yrs to say hi then overdosed about 5 yrs ago when they were all adults. Through our marriage a tree fell on our house, I was the first one on the scene of a horrific car accident out the front of my house where three teens died, our house flooded in a storm... Through this period my Dad who I was so close to was diagnosed stage 4 cancer, a month after my son was born ( first thing I googled on my first computer) , he was my hero, my it will be ok, just relax person. He lasted 8 months. My world was rocked, this was the longest I went without alcohol!! 2 weeks when he was diagnosed, so sad, so lost.
Oh! Did I mention alcohol? I'd drunk all along, since about 17 consistently. Both my parents never drank, come from a long line of alcos.... So I grew up in an environment with no alcohol. Not that it was ever a big thing or shunned upon, just wasn't part of my upbringing.
So... Stepkids grow older, move out, I decide to go back to uni and get a career. Do a 4 yr degree and get an amazing job, I still am in, love, have a passion for... But very intense and stressful. But rewarding!! Nothing to come home with bruising, bites, spat at etc . But best job in the world.
Anyhow... Appears I love my job more than my kids or anything else., I don't!!! And I am an amazing Mum! May not be able to be there every school event but try my hardest but am there all school holidays.... Compromise.
So... Just before I turned 40, I realise/decide, no more, as much as I love my husband, I haven't been in love for years ... (And no, it was no surprise to him, I am a huge communicator) so I call it quits. I break my children's heart and his and turn everyones world upside down. We are all doing really well nearly 2 yrs on, I have a house and so does he and we share custody week about. But it hurt so many people but I'd never change that, the future is better for all... We have a very amicable relationship which is wonderful but there has been hard times for the kids over the time.
So I was drinking heavily, single, 41, feeling lost and extremely lonely but telling myself more and more something has to change.
Thankyou for reading and making this such a welcoming place.
Everything I am reading is giving me hope and making me feel that there is hope.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Welcome, Whendovescry! Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I believe, you're the only person to find the cause of your drinking.
Have you thought about counseling? For me, it didn't matter what the reasons were, I had to stop first. The next step was "why" and coming to terms with those issues.
There is hope, you can do this! I found this supportive community key to my recovery. I'm so happy you found us.
I believe, you're the only person to find the cause of your drinking.
Have you thought about counseling? For me, it didn't matter what the reasons were, I had to stop first. The next step was "why" and coming to terms with those issues.
There is hope, you can do this! I found this supportive community key to my recovery. I'm so happy you found us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Perth WA
Posts: 150
Originally Posted by Opivotal 
Welcome, Whendovescry! Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I believe, you're the only person to find the cause of your drinking.
Have you thought about counseling? For me, it didn't matter what the reasons were, I had to stop first. The next step was "why" and coming to terms with those issues.
There is hope, you can do this! I found this supportive community key to my recovery. I'm so happy you found us.
I believe, you're the only person to find the cause of your drinking.
Have you thought about counseling? For me, it didn't matter what the reasons were, I had to stop first. The next step was "why" and coming to terms with those issues.
There is hope, you can do this! I found this supportive community key to my recovery. I'm so happy you found us.
But you know what, I love the feel of being tipsy, slightly off course, little bit hazy and happy. Which is ridiculous, I get that same feeling from many other things without alcohol.
I wish I had the courage to sing bad karaoke without alcohol! But you know what, I'd probably enjoy it as much. Maybe that's a challenge I can set myself.
I've said many times counselling is something I should consider... The thought of opening up to someone and then what just freaks me... Like it is all scripted, what can they say or do for me except to make me work things out... Which I suppose is the scary part. My job offers free counselling sessions, I think up to 4-5 hrs per year that don't need to be work related or even known to work if you access and I have been considering this ( posters on back of toilets lol) Has anyone here had success with counselling? I am a talker so I have talked my demons through and through, not with everyone, just very close friends, so wondering if it will help me or make me more stressed out. As it is I am dealing with life you know... My brother who has been institutionalised for 15+ yrs and then ten in a care facility has just been kicked out of his place, so first stop when all else fails will be here, and similar to another poster I will have to make the call to ring the cops, because of an underfunded mental health system... I'm pretty broke (but happy with my mortgage lol) kids, no great love life, work blah blah.
Counselling may help, may make me accept my drinking problem more. For now, I've gone two days alcohol free this week after finding SR which is a record for months. So thankyou, just knowing there is somewhere to talk about it helps
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