Magichappens

It was about 12 years ago. I was in crisis. Mr. Magic, a recovered alcoholic, had a painful ruptured disk in his neck, and was in pain management. I had never dealt with active alcoholism or drug addiction in my family, though it runs like threads in fabric. I was scared. Drugs changed a man I loved and admired into a stranger.

I knew about Alanon, but had never felt I needed it. I started going to meetings. Alcoholism and addiction are isolating illnesses, not just for the user, but the family. In Alanon, I felt no one was judging me or him. No one gave me stupid advise like "You don't deserve this. You should just leave." They told me that I could find peace and happiness whether the circumstances changed or not.

I was so full of anxiety, I couldn't sleep. I found SR in the middle of one of those sleepless nights. Again, I found comfort and love from people who understood. I loved SR. I stayed for years, and tried to help in any way I could. There came a time when some of my friends at SR were moving on. Some went to other sights. Sadly, one succumbed to alcoholism. It was a painful time for me. Friends questioned my loyalty to them by staying at SR. Instead of choosing, I quit it all. I still went to meetings, but stopped all online forums.

I still credit SR for getting me through the toughest time in my life. I have had tough times since, but because of Alanon and SR, I am stronger. I have a connection with God through the steps (sorry if that bothers anyone. It's just what happened to me). I am no longer lost and alone. The Spirit of Fellowship, and the peace I have found give me the ability to handle the struggles that life, alcoholism, and my own demons bring.

Today, my journey isn't about the people in my life. It is about my own recovery. I was a victim of alcoholism as a child, and didn't even know it. My mom's family was abandoned by my alcoholic grandfather, who died of alcoholism. She raised my uncle, who also became an alcoholic, and died young of alcoholism. My mother repressed her rage and sorrow, and taught me as a child to do the same. I don't ever remember anger in my family, and if it ever came up, it was promptly forbidden, shamed, and banned.

My father psychologically abused my mother, brother, and me. He is not an alcoholic, but an abuser. My brother and I were both physically abused by both parents. I never recognized the abuse until recently. I blocked it out. I have lost a lot of my childhood memories as a result of this, but I put enough together to see it for what it was. Last year, I ceased contact with my family.

Repressed rage never just goes away. I began having bouts of anxiety, panic, rage, and depression. Using the recovery tools I had learned, I started seeking to find where this was coming from. An old friend and addiction counselor recommended some books on childhood trauma, and shame. As I read, more memories and truths came to me. It is amazing how our mind can protect us.

So that is where I am. I start counseling next Tuesday. Once again, I have a lot of sleeplessness, restlessness, and anxiety. I came back to the place that helped me find peace before. I see old friends that I am looking forward to catching up with, and new friends I haven't met yet. It is a blessing that SR is still here. It's not the tight-knit little community that it was 12 years ago, but that just tells you how many people need this. Thanks SR, all you Mods that do the unappreciated job of keeping it sane around here, and friends, new and old. Magic

Opivotal

Welcome back, Magichappens.

SR has been a source of support for many of us.

Good for you, incorporating counseling in your plan.

Please let us know how it goes for you.