So a new start
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 28
So a new start
So I’ve been viewing SR since last Friday, and figured it’s about time I joined rather than just lurking as a guest. I’ve looked at SR before a few years back, but I wasn’t at a place back then to seriously consider sobriety. I’ve always known I’ve had a drinking problem, but I wasn’t ready to stop. Alcohol has always been too much of a lure for me to think about the consequences. Something happened to me last week that pushed me in the right direction, led me to find SR again, and also has so far successfully scared me straight.
After yet another intoxication session last Thursday (at home alone, with a bottle of vodka and rum), I awoke Friday morning with the familiar hangover: bleary eyes, stuffy head, nausea, and the typical feelings of anxiety and guilt. I should have been in work, but I felt too sick to even get out of bed. This is nothing new to me, I’ve felt like this at least once a week for the last seven or eight years. I’ve tried and failed many times to limit my drinking sessions to the weekend so that these hangovers don’t affect my work, but they’ve gradually crept into weekdays too. I’ve never drank every day – always felt too ill the next day to pick up the bottle again - but I’ve been binge drinking to ‘pass out drunk’ for the last 15 years, progressing from about once a month in the early days, to bingeing two or three times a week lately.
This particular hangover progressed like they always do, in and out of sleep, followed by nausea and throwing up. I’m frequently sick the next day after drinking, but this time I was throwing up particularly violently and I noticed a trace of blood. That’s never happened before. I’ve been through most situations alcoholics experience when they drink to excess (too ashamed to go into details about those), but this was new and I’ve always been scared of this happening, or worse.
The shock of this piled down on me like a ton of bricks…this is something serious, I might have to go to hospital. I feverishly scanned the internet for anything that would tell me what I should do. I’ve never had to go to the doctors for drinking before, and the shame of going in there saying “I threw up a tiny amount of blood after binge drinking” was too shameful for me. Rightly or wrongly I decided wait and assess if the situation got worse as the day progressed. I figured I’d badly irritated my stomach lining but if it was a real medical emergency, I’d be throwing up a lot more. A risk I know, and the rest of the day I was wracked with doubt but things didn’t get any worse. However, for once, the enormity of the situation wasn’t lost on me. Many horrific things have happened to me through drinking, but up to now I’ve always taken them in my stride, brushed myself off and got right back on the bottle again within a week. This is my body telling me I’ve had enough.
After so many years of stubbornness and refusal to acknowledge my problem - I finally understood, all the other terrible things going wrong in my life, it’s all down to being unable to control how much I drink, and that’s not normal. Every big problem I’ve faced since I was a young adult has been caused by (or happened whilst) drinking. I’ve been hanging on to a normal life by a thread for a very long time. How long before I get seriously ill? Or lose my job? Or get a DUI? Or my partner has enough of my s**t and divorces me? I’ve lost almost all of my friends, family don’t speak to me, I’ve wasted ££££s over the years drinking to excess, I’ve ruined my looks, potentially damaged my health (physically and mentally) and I’ve made an utter fool of myself numerous times. I’ve spent the latter part of my teens, and ALL of my twenties messing up anything good in my life through drink – how long before enough is enough?
So here I am Day 6 and approaching my second weekend without alcohol. This is the longest I’ve gone without a drink for about six years – I’ve typically succumbed to the cravings long before now. I’ve started to eat better, not just relying on fast food which has been my go-to meal for hangovers. I’ve also been back to the gym for the first time since January. The days seem to take longer to get through though. Normally I’m drunk or hung over all weekend, so last weekend seemed twice as long to get through. To my knowledge I’ve not had any withdrawal issues except the 3-day hangover that followed my last binge, but I’m struggling to sleep. When I do, I have strange panicky dreams, so not enjoying that side of things just yet!!
The urge to drink still passes my mind at least twenty times a day, but something is different. A great tip I got from this site was taking it a day at a time and that has been a huge help for me. I’ve found that telling myself every morning “I’m not going to drink today” is working – every time my mind thinks about drinking I tell myself “but you’re not going to drink today, you said so this morning” and that simple logical mantra is working! I get the fleeting thoughts that hit me out of nowhere when I pass a shop selling alcohol, but I’ve already said I’m not going to drink that day, so it’s not even an option.
Taking things day by day, that’s the one thing I’ve not tried before in my fruitless attempts to quit drinking. The thought of giving up for good, never drinking again is too overwhelming for me – that’s why I’ve failed in the past. I’m not strong enough to say I’ll never have another drink, but taking it day by day I’m steering clear by reminding myself how scary things can get.
After yet another intoxication session last Thursday (at home alone, with a bottle of vodka and rum), I awoke Friday morning with the familiar hangover: bleary eyes, stuffy head, nausea, and the typical feelings of anxiety and guilt. I should have been in work, but I felt too sick to even get out of bed. This is nothing new to me, I’ve felt like this at least once a week for the last seven or eight years. I’ve tried and failed many times to limit my drinking sessions to the weekend so that these hangovers don’t affect my work, but they’ve gradually crept into weekdays too. I’ve never drank every day – always felt too ill the next day to pick up the bottle again - but I’ve been binge drinking to ‘pass out drunk’ for the last 15 years, progressing from about once a month in the early days, to bingeing two or three times a week lately.
This particular hangover progressed like they always do, in and out of sleep, followed by nausea and throwing up. I’m frequently sick the next day after drinking, but this time I was throwing up particularly violently and I noticed a trace of blood. That’s never happened before. I’ve been through most situations alcoholics experience when they drink to excess (too ashamed to go into details about those), but this was new and I’ve always been scared of this happening, or worse.
The shock of this piled down on me like a ton of bricks…this is something serious, I might have to go to hospital. I feverishly scanned the internet for anything that would tell me what I should do. I’ve never had to go to the doctors for drinking before, and the shame of going in there saying “I threw up a tiny amount of blood after binge drinking” was too shameful for me. Rightly or wrongly I decided wait and assess if the situation got worse as the day progressed. I figured I’d badly irritated my stomach lining but if it was a real medical emergency, I’d be throwing up a lot more. A risk I know, and the rest of the day I was wracked with doubt but things didn’t get any worse. However, for once, the enormity of the situation wasn’t lost on me. Many horrific things have happened to me through drinking, but up to now I’ve always taken them in my stride, brushed myself off and got right back on the bottle again within a week. This is my body telling me I’ve had enough.
After so many years of stubbornness and refusal to acknowledge my problem - I finally understood, all the other terrible things going wrong in my life, it’s all down to being unable to control how much I drink, and that’s not normal. Every big problem I’ve faced since I was a young adult has been caused by (or happened whilst) drinking. I’ve been hanging on to a normal life by a thread for a very long time. How long before I get seriously ill? Or lose my job? Or get a DUI? Or my partner has enough of my s**t and divorces me? I’ve lost almost all of my friends, family don’t speak to me, I’ve wasted ££££s over the years drinking to excess, I’ve ruined my looks, potentially damaged my health (physically and mentally) and I’ve made an utter fool of myself numerous times. I’ve spent the latter part of my teens, and ALL of my twenties messing up anything good in my life through drink – how long before enough is enough?
So here I am Day 6 and approaching my second weekend without alcohol. This is the longest I’ve gone without a drink for about six years – I’ve typically succumbed to the cravings long before now. I’ve started to eat better, not just relying on fast food which has been my go-to meal for hangovers. I’ve also been back to the gym for the first time since January. The days seem to take longer to get through though. Normally I’m drunk or hung over all weekend, so last weekend seemed twice as long to get through. To my knowledge I’ve not had any withdrawal issues except the 3-day hangover that followed my last binge, but I’m struggling to sleep. When I do, I have strange panicky dreams, so not enjoying that side of things just yet!!
The urge to drink still passes my mind at least twenty times a day, but something is different. A great tip I got from this site was taking it a day at a time and that has been a huge help for me. I’ve found that telling myself every morning “I’m not going to drink today” is working – every time my mind thinks about drinking I tell myself “but you’re not going to drink today, you said so this morning” and that simple logical mantra is working! I get the fleeting thoughts that hit me out of nowhere when I pass a shop selling alcohol, but I’ve already said I’m not going to drink that day, so it’s not even an option.
Taking things day by day, that’s the one thing I’ve not tried before in my fruitless attempts to quit drinking. The thought of giving up for good, never drinking again is too overwhelming for me – that’s why I’ve failed in the past. I’m not strong enough to say I’ll never have another drink, but taking it day by day I’m steering clear by reminding myself how scary things can get.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Welcome to SR ANewDay2014! I'm so happy you found us. Support made all the difference for me and this community will make you feel right at home.
Congratulations on Day 6! Keep living in today, before you know it the weeks will fly by and you'll slowly see improvements in your health and daily life.
Congratulations on Day 6! Keep living in today, before you know it the weeks will fly by and you'll slowly see improvements in your health and daily life.
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