probably should have been in a hospital
 

I'm at home and four days into detox. I found this site because I'm looking for someone to talk to - or at least get some things off my chest. On Christmas Eve I got into a bottle of really nice scotch at a neighbor's party. I woke up about four hours after passing out with scary rapid heart rate. I almost alerted my wife to take me to the hospital, but instead, I took a couple of aspirin, chugged a pint of water, and fell back to sleep. Christmas Day (or evening) I drank moderately - a few glasses of wine, and then on the 26th I felt like **** so I had one cocktail, but I was thinking maybe that was the last.

A friend of mine died a few years ago, and he had been in detox after having seizures trying to dry out, so I was aware there were risks. I wasn't sure if my consumption warranted hospitalization, but in retrospect, and given my experience the last few days, I probably should have been monitored. After he passed I tried to dry out a couple of times, but never seriously. About two years ago I thought my 50th birthday would mark my last night with booze, but we had a party and almost all my gifts were wine or liquor. So, I thought I would drink that stash and be done with it. I sucked it all and never stopped. I noticed that since Thanksgiving this year I was really slipping - drinking at least moderately every day, and binging on weekends. I felt like crap, and even started feeling some tingling in my lips and limbs - hopefully it was the alcohol - it has stopped.

So, I did some reading online, took aspirin, thiamine, folic acid, and valerian root. The first couple of days without alcohol were not good. I was having panic attacks, reading about symptoms of withdrawal syndrome and not sure if I was really having them or just imagining it, and trying to sedate myself naturally with valerian but still unable to sleep.

Anyway, I decided to look for a forum because I live in a small town, and given my "position in the community," I'm not really comfortable going to a therapist or AA. This may not be an adequate substitute, but I'm thinking this could be a good time when I want to connect with other addicts. We all have our stories, and I could journal, but somehow it feels better thinking someone might be "listening."

So, after this last experience I can finally and honestly say I am an alcoholic and I am never going to drink again. I'm hoping this online community can serve as a support. I've already learned a lot from posts, blogs, and other relatively reliable sources like webmd. Today I'm off valerian and trying to be truly clean. No panic attacks yet - I think I'm over the hump - but I'm just so frighteningly awake. It's a GABA thing, I think. I'm hoping with time the edge will subside. After all, the edge is what often led me to choose alcohol - to take the edge off. My wife has been sober for seven years and stuck with me. I've been a relatively responsible alcoholic. Two blessings, for sure.

Welcome zerothehero! You've found a very supportive community. We also have a Chat Room, if that's something you'd be interested in. :)

To those who helped me learn how to access old posts, thanks.

To those new to the forum, I can honestly say these first posts from 2013 were pretty spot on, and the good folks here have helped me stay clean and sober now for almost three years (aside from some prescribed painkillers that were unsettlingly enticing but which I threw away shortly after each of my surgeries in 2015).

Thanks again.

Funny, I'm so observant I just read the old posts like they were today. Wow, impressive job.