Starting to wake up
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Starting to wake up
I knew for a couple of years, well at least I hoped, that I would reach a point where I was sick of my addiction and then would start seeking a way out.
I think that I became addicted to opiates, my pain meds, long before I realized I was. The first time I took a percodan was to get high, a long, long time ago. And it was absolutely love at first use. I thought I want to do this again! Which is how I felt the first time I got drunk at age 16, too.
Years later, diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I started using codeine, very occasionally. I noticed it didn't make me high or drowsy but instead cleared my head. I felt that it gave me energy and clarity because all my attention and energy wasn't being used to battle constant pain. So far so good.
As the years wore on, though, I started to take my next dose when I was feeling uncomfortable about something emotionally. The pain went away and it was okay because it was my medicine and I hurt physically, usually, too, right? After awhile I thought that I would have to some day deal with all these emotions and things that were beginning to pile up but I tried not to think about it.
Still, after many years I was "only'' taking about 30mgs of oxy a day. Then came 2010 aka the year of hell. It started with a month long excruciating toothache. I would take handfuls of aspirin, morphine, anything and get maybe an hour of slight relief. That month is still a blur because of the constant agony. I literally would scream and cry for relief. And during that time my cat disappeared, eaten by a predator.
In the spring my best friend and next door neighbor said she and her partner were moving away. And she left me feeling and believing it was to get away from me, that she resented me that much. (We've talked about it a lot and cleared things up since then. She's acknowledged and apologized for her role in it.) That just broke me. Soon after I tried snorting my oxy and morphine, why not? A couple months after that I tried shooting up. No one showed me how I just figured it out. (Never shared a needle or used with another.)
In the fall of that year my 20 year old cat died. I was expecting it but it was still a tremendous loss. (I'd lost her sister two years before.) And my other neighbor, an alcoholic, had a sudden heart attack and died in less than a week. All bets were seriously off then.
I did start exploring options for quitting, knowing I truly wasn't ready. My addiction just grew and spiraled. It was last summer--when I would spend days in a doped out haze--that I finally began to be truly sick of my life and disgusted with myself. I was using huge amounts of oxycodone, dilaudid and when I couldn't get them I'd use fentanyl patches in a desperate attempt to avoid withdrawals.
In an attempt to reach out I was looking up recovery and rehab online. And somehow, in June or July, I came across Soberrecovery. I devoured it. I tried and tried to register but I never could. Still am not sure why. Finally last October it worked and I've been posting here ever since. I also called the local suboxone doctor in July and finally got in to see him in October as well.
Since then I come here whenever I can. SR has been my rock. I have received so much help here, met so many amazing people. I just cannot give enough thanks for Soberrecovery and all of the incredible people who ARE Soberrecovery. Thank you all!
I think that I became addicted to opiates, my pain meds, long before I realized I was. The first time I took a percodan was to get high, a long, long time ago. And it was absolutely love at first use. I thought I want to do this again! Which is how I felt the first time I got drunk at age 16, too.
Years later, diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I started using codeine, very occasionally. I noticed it didn't make me high or drowsy but instead cleared my head. I felt that it gave me energy and clarity because all my attention and energy wasn't being used to battle constant pain. So far so good.
As the years wore on, though, I started to take my next dose when I was feeling uncomfortable about something emotionally. The pain went away and it was okay because it was my medicine and I hurt physically, usually, too, right? After awhile I thought that I would have to some day deal with all these emotions and things that were beginning to pile up but I tried not to think about it.
Still, after many years I was "only'' taking about 30mgs of oxy a day. Then came 2010 aka the year of hell. It started with a month long excruciating toothache. I would take handfuls of aspirin, morphine, anything and get maybe an hour of slight relief. That month is still a blur because of the constant agony. I literally would scream and cry for relief. And during that time my cat disappeared, eaten by a predator.
In the spring my best friend and next door neighbor said she and her partner were moving away. And she left me feeling and believing it was to get away from me, that she resented me that much. (We've talked about it a lot and cleared things up since then. She's acknowledged and apologized for her role in it.) That just broke me. Soon after I tried snorting my oxy and morphine, why not? A couple months after that I tried shooting up. No one showed me how I just figured it out. (Never shared a needle or used with another.)
In the fall of that year my 20 year old cat died. I was expecting it but it was still a tremendous loss. (I'd lost her sister two years before.) And my other neighbor, an alcoholic, had a sudden heart attack and died in less than a week. All bets were seriously off then.
I did start exploring options for quitting, knowing I truly wasn't ready. My addiction just grew and spiraled. It was last summer--when I would spend days in a doped out haze--that I finally began to be truly sick of my life and disgusted with myself. I was using huge amounts of oxycodone, dilaudid and when I couldn't get them I'd use fentanyl patches in a desperate attempt to avoid withdrawals.
In an attempt to reach out I was looking up recovery and rehab online. And somehow, in June or July, I came across Soberrecovery. I devoured it. I tried and tried to register but I never could. Still am not sure why. Finally last October it worked and I've been posting here ever since. I also called the local suboxone doctor in July and finally got in to see him in October as well.
Since then I come here whenever I can. SR has been my rock. I have received so much help here, met so many amazing people. I just cannot give enough thanks for Soberrecovery and all of the incredible people who ARE Soberrecovery. Thank you all!
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Hi ttterror, welcome to Soberrecovery! This is a great place to find support and information and wisdom that can really help. Why don't you introduce yourself in the Newcomers to Recovery Forum (a few above this one on main page) and tell us what's going on? You'll find a lot more responses there, this is a very slow forum.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 27
Thank you for sharing your story. So well-written. I identify completely. I was there. It's interesting how our thinking, having the "F--- it's" as they say, is what leads us to the devastating attempts to numb the anguish, the emotional pain. I was completely unaware of and unable to take another path. I stand with you to attest that there is a solution, in this forum, in this program. For those of you suffering, please hear that there is hope.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 7
Thanks for your story. I am new here... and even though my drug use may not be the same or as severe as what I've read in many cases, I am completely utterly disgusted by it... haven't yet been able to stop it...I know that it IS possible...as many have done it before me...and I was able to quit drinking 14 years ago...so I must be capable of overcoming this demon too... and hope that I can find something here like you did that will help me before it completely destroys me physically and of course, emotionally. Its so insidious and has me frozen with fear, dread and inaction....ick.
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