Thoughts on the last 30 days...
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Thoughts on the last 30 days...
A month ago I finally gave in to the fact that I was not going the right direction. I mentioned in another thread that a couple scenes from Flight had profound impact. I realized that there was much to lose should I continue in the wrong direction.
Alcohol had for ten years been a major coping mechanism. If things were going poorly, alcohol was the go-to for me. If things were going well, I may not have consumed as much, but still drank to make things “better”, or as a “reward.” I lied on every form at a doctor's office that asked about alcohol intake. Inside I knew it was too much, but I didn't want to be judged or hear about it. I only drank in the evening. That meant I really didn't have a problem, right?
I really messed myself up for a four year period between 2006 – 2010. I pulled myself out of that pattern until early last year, then I went down the spiral again. I'm a bit disgusted with myself that I went from hiking 100 miles a month and now have to pause 4 times going up the same small hills that I used to walk fast or even run on.
I realized two major things over this last month. First, I've always used alcohol to cope with bad situations, stress, emotional pain, etc. I'd scare myself, stop for a while, then start again since I convinced myself that I wasn't an alcoholic. Secondly, I've used the past as an excuse. Like father, like son I guess but that isn't a good reason to continue to poison myself. There are better ways to deal with things, including maintaining a good diet and physical activity. I'm finding the combination of alcohol, lack of activity, self-induced excessive work, and poor diet were causing more problems than these events in the past I had blamed my problems on.
This thirty day stretch is the second longest amount of time I've been without alcohol in my system for ten years. It hasn't all been easy, but I've found ways to manage things. The old me would have wondered how I was going to cope without that stuff in my system. The new me just does it.
Ironically, I was tested today. I was busy running errands, got sidetracked and locked my keys in my car. Of course, I was right next to a bar and grill, and a liquor store. The old me would have picked up a bottle on the way out, or would have had 3+ beers when waiting for the locksmith. Admitting that I have a problem has been crucial, because I know now that going back to what I used to do isn't an option. Alcohol is no reward or cure for stress. Rather, it is a poison. Like the computer's line in the movie War Games, “the only winning move is not to play.” I chose to not play.
Alcohol had for ten years been a major coping mechanism. If things were going poorly, alcohol was the go-to for me. If things were going well, I may not have consumed as much, but still drank to make things “better”, or as a “reward.” I lied on every form at a doctor's office that asked about alcohol intake. Inside I knew it was too much, but I didn't want to be judged or hear about it. I only drank in the evening. That meant I really didn't have a problem, right?
I really messed myself up for a four year period between 2006 – 2010. I pulled myself out of that pattern until early last year, then I went down the spiral again. I'm a bit disgusted with myself that I went from hiking 100 miles a month and now have to pause 4 times going up the same small hills that I used to walk fast or even run on.
I realized two major things over this last month. First, I've always used alcohol to cope with bad situations, stress, emotional pain, etc. I'd scare myself, stop for a while, then start again since I convinced myself that I wasn't an alcoholic. Secondly, I've used the past as an excuse. Like father, like son I guess but that isn't a good reason to continue to poison myself. There are better ways to deal with things, including maintaining a good diet and physical activity. I'm finding the combination of alcohol, lack of activity, self-induced excessive work, and poor diet were causing more problems than these events in the past I had blamed my problems on.
This thirty day stretch is the second longest amount of time I've been without alcohol in my system for ten years. It hasn't all been easy, but I've found ways to manage things. The old me would have wondered how I was going to cope without that stuff in my system. The new me just does it.
Ironically, I was tested today. I was busy running errands, got sidetracked and locked my keys in my car. Of course, I was right next to a bar and grill, and a liquor store. The old me would have picked up a bottle on the way out, or would have had 3+ beers when waiting for the locksmith. Admitting that I have a problem has been crucial, because I know now that going back to what I used to do isn't an option. Alcohol is no reward or cure for stress. Rather, it is a poison. Like the computer's line in the movie War Games, “the only winning move is not to play.” I chose to not play.
Alcohol did nothing for me but make any problem ten times worse.
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