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Old 02-11-2013, 02:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Going with the flow


I know where I am coming from, but I don’t know where I’m going. I was raised and still live in Italy, where wine is on your table daily. No big deal, no forbidden fruit. Italians rarely drink too much. A glass or two with their meals, IF that. Most women don’t drink at all. So I started drinking late. When I was in my early twenties I’d have 3 glasses of wine at New Year and get “pissed”. Then in my mid twenties it became more regular. I can’t honestly say how much I drank or if it was daily. However, it wasn’t that much- Maybe I’d share a bottle of wine. The drinking got heavier towards my late twenties (I am now 35). I used wine to self medicate as I suffer from rather severe bouts of anxiety and booze seemed to placate my fears. Fear of life, fear of the future, of the unexpected. Responsibility….
It Got bad after my son was born (I did not drink during pregnancy of course) as I got severe post natal depression, I honestly thought I was going to die, I couldn’t live through the day, I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t walk I was so paralyzed with fear. I even had to move back in with my parents for a couple of weeks because I couldn’t face the day alone when my husband was at work. Come dinnertime I’d start on the wine and basically I wouldn’t stop till I went to bed, very late. I was never blind drunk, but I was drinking a LOT. I’d just sit in front of the computer and surf the net in search for a solution to what I was going through. Cut a long story short, after one year…one whole year, the PND finally eases off. I cut down my drinking, (with the occasional bingeing still popping up now and then and more so during the holidays) lose some weight, start exercising. Then my father gets ill. I am on the sauce again. It’s still wine, it still starts at dinner and carries on till I go to bed. But this time something clicks. God knows what. God knows if it’s some other part of me or just plain common sense. I didn’t even say “enough”…. That other person/common sense took the decision. It’s as if someone else were doing the work for me. It’s not been long… just over two weeks…. I have found myself doing the things I used to do without drinking. My friend even tried to get me to have an aperitif with her, but I didn’t want it. Strange thing is, I went out to dinner twice with relatives and I didn’t want to attract attention to the fact I wasn’t drinking. So I let them pour wine into my glass. It was red the first time and it was champagne on the second occasion. Half a glass. I sipped it throughout the meal and as the others continued to drink (they are moderate drinkers) I just stopped. It wasn’t hard… I didn’t want anymore.
As I said at the beginning, I don’t know where this is heading. The addictive me may rear its ugly head again. I know it very well could. I am hoping this time I will be able to keep it at bay. I have been enjoying my life and my son and everything so much more since I stopped the bingeing. I honestly hope I never go back there again…. I hope that if it happens again once I’ll be able to stop… that I won’t go on another week or 2 week-long binge….
Sometimes I wonder what I am. Am I an alcoholic? It’s just a word after all...
This is my story up till now
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
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update....
It's going to be 3 weeks on Sunday.
I have no desire to drink. I am enjoying everything more than I did when drinking. I think I missed out on so much. I have actually substituted booze with green tea! I think that I need to drink, drink anything. My daily intake of fluids is huge. Water and tea by the gallons.
So, all's good....for the time being. Fingers crossed.
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Old 02-15-2013, 01:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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congratulations on 3 weeks Bunty

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Old 02-18-2013, 06:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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That's great! I too feel like something "clicked". I am a binge drinker. I would down a bottle or more of wine in one night while my son (9 years old) was asleep. I drank to my fear of being alone. The first couple of glasses was fun. Euphoric even. Then I would drink till I fell asleep. Next morning I was hungover, still functioning, working and mothering. I felt cloudy, bloated, tired and depressed. I didn't drink every night. Just one or two nights on the weekends. I imagined I was not an alcoholic. Alcoholics drink every night and go through detox if they quit right? Not in my case. I had enough. I had my last drink was Feb.5th 2013. I had stopped going to bars a couple months prior, and was cutting down significantly. I broke it off with my boyfriend of 4 years. He was my enabler, as I was his.

What I'm saying is, being a mom is tough! I have to say I enjoy it more now and have the patience and energy to put into parenting. I don't want my son to be in Al Anon one day, or think that abusing alcohol is normal. I don't like one drink. I like 5 drinks!

I am excited for the future! Learning new things and taking life in! No more numbness! I too have a new addiction: Hot Tea....I work out at least 30 mins a day (for me) and attend meetings when I can. I come here to read stories like yours and it feels great to know we aren't alone or ashamed of having problems with alcohol, co dependency or whatever is holding us back from living our real lives. Thank you for your story.
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Old 02-19-2013, 04:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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:-)

Razor, I am happy my story helped  I am still booze-free. Have been (except for those two half glasses which I didn’t even enjoy) since December 27. My friend came over tonight. We used to have at least 2 bottles of red between the two of us. I bought wine as usual and she drank it all. (1 bottle…. She doesn’t have an addictive personality. She can have one bottle and then go for 3 weeks without noticing she hasn’t had any wine at all….). Anyway, I was never tempted to drink. By the end of the evening she was pretty sloshed and I found myself thinking: is that what I was like? Slurring my words, saying stupid things, smelling of wine? I felt ashamed of myself. I can’t let myself think about that and what people must have thought of me. It makes me cringe!
I don’t know how it’s possible that I simply don’t want the stuff anymore. I found myself wondering whether I should consider having a glass of wine with a friend (knowing I would not continue afterwards because I always found it easy to stop it if it’s an “isolated” drink, in a café (you don’t really get bars here) with someone who is not a heavy drinker). But I realized I didn’t feel like it. I’d rather have green tea with honey! I am finding it so hard to believe it can be this simple…. I am tempted to say I am not being fooled…. I am tapping my foot, waiting for the addictive me to come tip toeing behind my back….
Of course, the route here wasn’t easy. That I have to admit. I had tried to cut down or detox before and I found it incredibly hard. I have read some call this the honeymoon period…. I hope they’re wrong. It's like in life you always have to get punished when something comes to you too easily....
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Old 02-20-2013, 03:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Bunty, sounds like you are doing great! I don't like the term "honeymoon" period. I find it's more of an enlightening period. It is amazing how much dedication it takes to drink. Especially when you are a mom! Keeping up, feeling a little foggy from the night before, feeling bloated etc... isn't it so much more enjoyable to live day to day, rather than simply surviving?

Good for you Bunty. You are Kicking some butt! Good for you, your health and your family! Let's keep it up!
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Old 02-24-2013, 02:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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OK, so last night I drank. It was a friend's birthday dinner and I made a conscious decision to drink. It was 4 glasses of wine and I shared a small glass of rum with a friend. Maybe slightly too much. I should have stopped at 3 glasses I think. However, it is still great compared to drinking 2 bottles plus till I'm knocked out. This time I stopped and didn't want anymore. We went home, watched a film and drank green tea. I'll keep you updated. It really helps knowing I have someone to report back to, I think
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Old 02-24-2013, 02:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Oh and I wanted to add I have lost SO much weight over the past month which is such a bonus!
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Old 03-10-2013, 09:56 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Update..... everything is still fine. My attitude towards booze has changed or so it seems. I can have some occasionally (very occasionally, like once every 2 weeks which is a huge change) and i CAN stop which used to be my number one problem before. This is working for me now. If it should fail to work in the future then abstinence would be my choice. I think for some abstinence is actually easier. Will keep you updated....
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