Gonzo793

I found SoberRecovery about an hour ago. I'm 30 days sober and have let go of a lot of concerns, or they've let go of me, because I would prefer not to die sooner than I have to. My drinking escalated gradually over the past decade or so. In my thirties, I occasionally had too much to drink on weekends or on Friday nights. Most nights I didn't drink. By my forties I had become more regular, hitting local bars most days after work. Within the last couple years, I found that a better way to regulate the drinking was to bypass the bar and just stop by a liquor store on the way home from work and pick up a bottle of vodka. For the same amount I'd spend at a bar, I could drink three or four times as much alcohol in the privacy of my home with fewer distractions. I've only missed work maybe twice during the past decade because of drinking. But hangovers became the norm, day in and day out. I drank more on weekends. I lost no relationships because of drinking because I had none to lose. I moved away from binge drinking to marathon drinking. Drinking became integrated with the fabric of the time I spent alone, and the longer this went on, the more I coveted time alone, and the more I drank. I actually moved into a higher level job the past year, which brought more stress from work, which increased the amount I drank after work. I noticed in recent months that I wasn't as sharp as I once was -- mentally, cognitively. I found ways to mask it, to patch things together -- usually working longer hours, which required more drinking afterwards. Physically, I changed in the span of a couple years from a guy in his late 40's who could run a half marathon to a guy who was having more and more trouble walking from the parking lot to the office. I woke regularly in the night with sweats and a racing heart. My legs felt heavier and heavier. I understood that I was dying. By the spring of this year, the thought of dying was still frightening enough (I wasn't completely indifferent to it, yet) and it felt closer every day, so that after a bad Tuesday at work where I was completely useless (again), I went straight home and did not stop by the liquor store.

My first days sober were not comfortable. But I began to feel better physically after a few days, and it's hard to describe what it's like now. I've let worries drop off my mountain of angst -- they've just gone, and I haven't tried to hold onto them, but they've been replaced by a kind of a serene emptiness in which I'm standing, or sitting, or lying down. I've read some posts by men who've commented on a decreased libido during early weeks and months of sobriety. I can relate to that very much -- my drive is gone, long gone. I'm okay with that, though. It's a strange place I'm in, now. There is a vast and quiet emptiness. But it's better than where I was -- I'm grateful to be here. Thank you for having this forum.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Gonzo793

Congrats on 30 days- good to have you with us.
Feel free to check out our Newcomers forum too
Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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