earthchild3

Hi everyone! I am Earthchild and I'm an alcoholic. It took me a long time to come to this conclusion because I am a binge drinker. I thought that I was fine since I didn't HAVE to drink and didn't have any withdrawal. Oh, how wrong I was! Drinking is disrupting my life and finally admitting that I'm an alcoholic feels really good when I thought it would be a horrible thing to admit to myself.

My destructive journey began in 2006. I was in the middle of a divorce and lost my children to their dad. Once he got them his mom took them from him. She never liked me so she told them I was dead and wouldn't let me see them. I lived my life only for my kids and without them I had nothing to live for anymore. I wanted desperately to die. I didn't want to deal with the pain so I turned to drinking to numb myself. I decided to take pills to die. I wanted to do it in a hotel so no one in my family would find me. They had deserted me when my pain became too much for them to bear. I was in the hotel with the pills when something told me to go to my grandma and see her one last time. She lives in Mississippi. I went and my dad was waiting for me. He helped me get sober and back into a position to fight the system again. I came back several times to Indiana and with my mom's help I was able to see the kids. In 2009 my daughter called me to say they are going back into the system because their dad put a gun to his girlfriend's head in front of them. I quit my job and was back in Indiana within 2 weeks thinking the time had finally come for my prayers to be answered. They gave me the same runaround in court that they did last time. I didn't fall as hard but I did fall.

It's now 2012 and the grandma has been letting me see them for 6 weeks now. I don't know what her reasons are for this change I'm just going along with whatever to see them. Sometimes she won't answer the phone for me especially on holidays and birthdays. The pain is intense and I've been living with it for so long. I don't know how to stop the pain in a positive way. All I know is drinking has to stop. Not switching to wine, not drinking only on weekends....no drinking at all, ever again. My son's birthday was on Monday. I tried to call the day before and she wouldn't answer. I started drinking after several times of trying to call. I got so drunk that I can't remember what happened Sunday but my fiancee said I hurt his feelings by bringing up past issues. I don't want to hurt those I love anymore. I want to feel like I did when I was sober in Mississippi with my dad. I never want to wake up and not know what I did or said. I see the freight train coming towards me at full speed so I'm getting out of the way now before it hits. I'm glad I found this site. This is exactly what I need. I want to be the best mother, woman, wife, daughter and sister i can be and I can't do that drinking.

Redmayne

Most people,including myself, feel that ,'alcoholics' have to hit,'rock bottom' before recognition and acceptance set in and recovery begins...

Everyone has their own, 'rock bottom', so the road to recovery is a bit like getting in an elevator on the top floor, you can stop it at any floor you want on the way down, and call it your ,'rock bottom'!

You don't have to go all the way down to the basement.

So, your ,'rock bottom', followed by recovery can start anytime you want...

Make sense?

sunflower100

after all.. you're doing a good job.

MandieJ

Hi earthchild,

How happy I am for you to have found SR. I too had an experience like yours but it was my own mother not his. I haven't seen my babies for 11 years. I did try in the beginning but was to look like the bad one. My kids were told I was dead. I found my 17 year old on fb and she told me what had been said but I knew all along. It hurts more when your own family turn against you. I didn't drink or do drugs until after my kids were taken. This mothers day was the only mothers day that I haven't tried to kill myself. I was sad and got very very drunk. The next day I joined a 12 step program. I am happy to say that I have not had a drink or a pill in 6 days. I don't know how to take the pain away either but I was told in my meeting the only way for it to go away is for you to feel it. I agree with them. I stopped feeling it because it was too hard so I made myself numb. I closed myself off from the world and lost me in the process. I can't offer you any advice but just to take it a day at a time and if that feels too hard then try it a minute at a time. Some days it might just be seconds but it will pass. Writing has helped me. I don't send them but I tell everyone how they have contributed to my pain.
Take care of you because you deserve it too.
Mandy