John1976

Hello,

I just searched for and joined this forum. I have a particularly hard problem with Alcohol. While I know I have a problem, I have managed to keep my life in shape in terms of things like my employer and health. At the same time, I know I have a big problem. I started with uncontrolled binge drinking that impacted my social life and things like a DUI, and I 'solved' this problem by reducing the risk of my drinking by not drinking when I was at parties or out on the town. Instead, i replaced that with drinking at home when I am by myself.

I know I am killing myself, but my day to day decisions are to continue to drop by and buy beer. I don't drink hard liquor, I still wake up every day at 7am for work, and I manage to be 'normal' when talking to my girlfriend.

The thing that is hard is for me, the fact I think I can 'get away' with drinking makes me excited to drink more of the poison. It has almost become a game where I look forward to trying to get blasted while not having any negative consequences.

I am killing myself and still doing it. I know I have a problem because I have the DUI and I have many times woken up in my apartment on the floor, not remembering calls or emails, etc. What strategy do people who read this recommend for forcing me to be rational and realize the terrible thing I am doing to myself? I know it is bad for me, but I still decide to do it. I want to live, but my mind doesn't allow me to make the right decision. I've stopped for a week or a month before, but I still return.

John

amy1981

I am in a similar situation and can go for days / weeks without drinking (to prove to myself I don't have a problem) however I do and after a particularly bad drunken episode Sunday night i have decided to quit drinking i am fed up not knowing what I have done or even worse remembering how i have messed up. I have found this site amazing in the few days I have been on here there is a lot of support.

John1976

Amy,

That is great you have decided after Sunday to stop. I wish you the best. How are you rationalizing that in your head each day? For me I stop for a few days, and then I convince myself I can get away with it, and in general no-one 'catches' me. The fact that I am still rewarded at work and that my girlfriend doesn't notice reinforces my relapses. Tonight I am telling myself 'I am done', but I am starting to compile information and data so that I can make it stick.

amy1981

yes I also get away with it at work and I am surrounded by lovely friends and a wonderful husband and when i drink its always to relax after stressful day or because I have toothache/ headache because the day ends with Y or any other excuse I cna think of. I really have woken up to the fact I have a problem mainly because i am desperate for a drink and its only been 48 hours !! Its so easy to make excuses to drink - like everyone does it.

Personally i have a little voice in my head that keeps saying its ok just have one i know however i can't stop I just drink and drink and I change so much when drunk I am so different to sober me and i don't want to be that person i want to be able to enjoy life without alcohol. I had a work event last night with free drinks on tables it was so hard not to drink and i did not enjoy myself at all i spent whole night feeling bored which is so unhealthy i should be able to spend an evening without drinking.

Anyway I am jabbering sorry I had a thought the other day that really hit home i hope it may help you i thought what have a i ever done drunk that I am proud of or pleased with and I can tell you its not 1 thing there is nothing, however if I think what have i done that I am embarrassed by or ashamed of and i can't count them there are so so many things that really made me decided i will not drink again. Its so hard though.

BillyPilgrim

John
I was in exactly the same position as you. Nice job, nice gf, nice kids. The kids started avoiding me, I decided I didnt want to go down the path of losing one, let alone all three. I had tried to moderate (it doesnt work thats why there isnt a success in moderation forum here).
Giving up works. I am in AA, and use SR. It works for me. Give up, and go for it, you dont need to sink any lower, because believe me, if you dont give up you will

John1976

I really relate to that. I think am a good person, and when I think about it all of the things I have done that I am ashamed of are things I have done when I drank too much. I also find I lie to myself and others who care about me about whether I have had something to drink (we are good at fooling people, right?).

Your comment on 'what are we ashamed of/proud of, and were we drunk' is a great idea for me to internalize and use in terms of my next decisions. Thank you very much.

It is great that you have your husbands support and you are on this forum. Just typing my feelings and seeing a response was HUGE for me as I think about my situation. I am on the west coast, so going to bed now (have to go into work in 5 hours ;-), but thank you for your willingness to respond to my post, it really helps. Thank you.

John

John1976

Billy, saw your response after responding to Amy. Thank you for your feedback. A question, how did you approach AA.. as a functional Alcoholic? I went to AA once and it was a bunch of drug addicted folks and folks in post jail recovery programs. I have a lot of the same life threatening issues they have, but it was hard to connect given my life is much more contained and in control. Rationally it shouldn't matter, but I found it hard to dive in and engage. Do you have thoughts on how I should approach it or think about it? It has nothing to do with class (trust me, in my drunken stupor I have explored all the aspects of american society), but how I engage with an AA group.

Thank you for your response. As I said with Amy, I'm on the west coast so going to bed now. I'll check in with this forum/thread tomorrow night.

john

BillyPilgrim

Hi John
I didnt fit in with the first group I went to. The second one is more me (which is now my home group), that is to say nice middle class people and little old ladies with silvery hair.
However, I also attend a city centre group at lunchtimes, and that has a wider group of people at it, that takes me out of my comfort zone and makes me less complacent, because this thing attacks complacency.

The one thing you learn very quickly in AA is not to judge, because as you said everyone is exactly the same as you. In the city centre group I got a lecture the other week from someone who saw me in my suit and decided to make a point of AA suits. I thought it was quite funny, because I came from the "I cant be alky because I have a nice job and only drink wine." school

After my first efforts at AA, I left because I was "cured" I thought I could drink normally, and I did around my gf, I would have but one beer all weekend.
However I would drink 2 bottles of wine a night when I was not with her. In my crazy alky logic, I didnt think that was problem drinking, because I was moderating when I needed to.

Needless to say I learnt my lesson and rejoined, and life is getting better. I also put my "c££k on the block" and came clean to gf about the drink thing. She has been very supportive, and I now feel much more comfortable about not drinking. She also knows not to put me in any tricky situations, because she is trusting me to succeed, and I cant let that down.
Anyway enjoy your sleep, I am on the west coast too, but of England, not quite as sunny.
Allan

Redmayne

There's a saying, widelypublished on 'Alcohol Awareness' leaflets, posters, etc., in the UK.

'If alcohol is costing you more than money, you might just need help'

Remember, as it says in the 'Big Book, Alcoholics Anonmymous', 'we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful' from what you say, whilst you might suffer the delusion of seeing yourself as a 'functional alcoholic', we've probably,in our drinking day all done that. The only thing that's functioning,in you, is the alcohol, it's not your life anymore.However much you kid yourself it is and if you continue, you'll lose EVERYTHING. I did and there's no doubt plenty more on here who did to!

'First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man!' No truer words ever spoken, the antidote is to use the support andhelp of this site and AA.

BillyPilgrim

Good point Redmayne, also John, you will find that when you stop drinking, you have much more money in your bank account at the end of the month. I have been sober a month now, and just doing my monthly statement rec, I am in the black for once.

DrStrangelove

I can relate your experience to my mother's. I found this place a few days ago whenever I decided I needed to find some support for myself while I support my mother. This seems like a strong community and so I chose this site. My mother has suffered with alcoholism for 20 years and she has always been a functioning alcoholic. She's always been the top saleswoman at her work (wherever it may be). Lately, however, in the past year or so, she is not so well-functioning. She's been suicidal and she lost her job. Now she feels like she's lost purpose which has only spiraled her drinking even further. What's worse, I have not been there for her as much as I ought to be. She has told me that I'm all she has left to live for (I'm her only child) and the only reason why she's still living is because she doesn't want to abandon me. All of this only furthers her depression because she says that reaching out to me makes her feel worse because it should be her taking care of me instead of the other way around. She is really convinced that her life is ruined and that there is no hope for her whatsoever. I can't even imagine what it's like to feel the suffering that she is experiencing. I have experienced a lot of depression but I can't even imagine the amount of suffering she is going through right now.

PaperDolls

I use AA to help me get and stay sober.

You might consider that someone who knows they are killing themselves by an action yet continues to do it, may not be considered "functional". It depends on what your definition of function is ..... I know my definition kept changing. I kept lowering my standards.

I was a binge drinker. Never got a DUI. Didn't loose my job.

I only lost marriages/relationships and hated myself. I couldn't look in the mirror without getting throw-up in my throat.

Was I functional because I still had a house to live in, a car to drive, and a job? I sure as hell didn't feel like it. Having been sober for a little while now, I can say with certainty that my idea of functional was a tad bid skewed.

hypochondriac

When I first posted on here John I thought I was a high functioning alcoholic...until someone pointed out to me that the 'HFA' wasn't a type but a stage of alcoholism. The more I thought about it the more I noticed that there were more cracks in my facade than I'd realised, which had gradually got worse with time. I think I just knew I'd be mortified if I allowed it to get any worse. I drank because I could, because there was no one to tell me not to but in the end I had to give up for myself. I think SR has given me the motivation to quit and the support I needed. Stick around here... I'm only on day 10 and am looking into AVRT to help me which I would never have heard of if I hadn't come here. I wish you all the best and hope you find what you need

Redmayne

I must admit, I've only metone guy who described himself asa ,'functioning alcoholic', he 'functioned' so well, he'd already lost his job following a conviction for DUI.

He returned to his home city, from working in the capital, purueded his mother to invest in a business scheme, which altho' it appeared viable, was in fact in reality a total loss. He carried on functioning as analcoholic until he'ddrank away all his mothers, considerable investment andbecame homeless, letting others down to whom he'd offered posiions, which didn't exist, I've no idea where he is now.

I don't see much mileage in the idea of being a functioning alcoholic, much rather function in sobriety, or is it just me?

gr8fl2aa

If you stand on some railroad tracks, it's not the caboose that will kill you. It's the engine - the first one.

I can remember standing on the loading dock in Flagstaff, calling up the councillor in St. Joe and asking, pleading with him that I just go and have one.

He talked me out of it, I can not have just one.

Congratulations, no one is ready until they are ready, I can say that I am a trazillion times happier than I was when I was drinking or using.

Oh, I considered myself a functioning alcoholic.

Convinced myself it was normal to throw up every morning, the heartburn was from the food, coughing up some blood was normal.

I was a mess