I'm just getting started
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: St Louis Missouri
Posts: 71
I'm just getting started
Hi,
Today is my second day of sobriety. I've done this before and achieved 8 years of sober living. God granted me that gift and I really believed that all I had to do was to never take another sip and I'd be fine. After a heart break, I fell apart spiritually, emotionally and physically. I just wanted to numb my feelings, and I've been doing just that for 3 years untill yesterday. I found this forum a couple of weeks ago, and have been "peeking" in on your blogs, reading and learning.
I remember the taste of my first sip of beer in the backyard of my house. It was a hot summer day and Dad and Mom were sitting in lawn chairs with a few neighbors drinking cold beer. I was about 3. I loved the bubbly beverage. I came from a family of 6 children, and wonderfull parents. I pretty much had a happy childhood, but I was painfully shy. Then when I was 10 I started getting sexually molested by a family member. It happened alot and I did not have a voice. I was scared and embarrassed and never told my mother or father, I thought it was my fault. Started smoking pot at 11, and at 16 was drinking on the weekends. I finished school and went to University to obtain a Bachelors in Education. My major was Art History. I got accepted to the Classical School of American Studies in Athen's Greece. Guess what? I turned it down to run off to the States with a man I met in Florida on vacation (we got married, had 2 boys, were together 18 years) Lots of drinking and cocaine before the children. Cocaine was not my drug of choice and was easy to quit. The consequenses of loosing my babies was enought for me. But alcohol was legal. I drank at home, I made excuses. I drank alot, but was still functioning somewhat, or so I thought.
I was always an under-achiever and never persued a teaching career. I didn't think I was good enough. I worked nights as a bartender and my husband owned a business that he operated daily. I never sent my kids to babysitters, or even Grandparents. (My whole entire family lives in Canada) The marriage disolved because he couldn't quit cocaine. He blamed my drinking on his problem, and vice versa. So 3 months before my 40th birthday, I quit.I wanted to show him I could do it. I was sober for 8 years. I lost 50lbs and became obsessed with working out 3 hours a day. I completed 4 marathons and was in the best shape of my life. I started getting alot of attention from men half my age, it was flattering and I liked what I saw in the mirror. I substitued drinking for the casino's and quickly became addicted to gambling. I finally had to file for bankruptcy and ban myself from the Casino's. Found a wonderful man and he broke my heart. that was my excuse to start drinking again. It didn't take me long to get back to drinking as much as 8 years before....I failed. I feel and look terrible. My anxiety and depression disapates when I get the "edge" off. I am gambling with my life now. I am on medications which are aliments all due to my consumption. It scares me because my 2 year old grandson needs me. He is the only light in my life that I can see right now.
I still work as a bartender. I have a great deal of drama in my life. My friends call me or visit me at the bar to get an update of my experiences in my personal life. I'm writting a book (at first I started writting just so I could remember what was going on in my life, the alcoholic blackouts would cloud my memory, then I realized I had a book. I have worked and managed the same neighborhood bar for over 20 years. I know everyone that comes in and since people like to share personal details after they have a few, they tell me. I listen.
Thankyou for listening to me. Keep me in your prayers.
Today is my second day of sobriety. I've done this before and achieved 8 years of sober living. God granted me that gift and I really believed that all I had to do was to never take another sip and I'd be fine. After a heart break, I fell apart spiritually, emotionally and physically. I just wanted to numb my feelings, and I've been doing just that for 3 years untill yesterday. I found this forum a couple of weeks ago, and have been "peeking" in on your blogs, reading and learning.
I remember the taste of my first sip of beer in the backyard of my house. It was a hot summer day and Dad and Mom were sitting in lawn chairs with a few neighbors drinking cold beer. I was about 3. I loved the bubbly beverage. I came from a family of 6 children, and wonderfull parents. I pretty much had a happy childhood, but I was painfully shy. Then when I was 10 I started getting sexually molested by a family member. It happened alot and I did not have a voice. I was scared and embarrassed and never told my mother or father, I thought it was my fault. Started smoking pot at 11, and at 16 was drinking on the weekends. I finished school and went to University to obtain a Bachelors in Education. My major was Art History. I got accepted to the Classical School of American Studies in Athen's Greece. Guess what? I turned it down to run off to the States with a man I met in Florida on vacation (we got married, had 2 boys, were together 18 years) Lots of drinking and cocaine before the children. Cocaine was not my drug of choice and was easy to quit. The consequenses of loosing my babies was enought for me. But alcohol was legal. I drank at home, I made excuses. I drank alot, but was still functioning somewhat, or so I thought.
I was always an under-achiever and never persued a teaching career. I didn't think I was good enough. I worked nights as a bartender and my husband owned a business that he operated daily. I never sent my kids to babysitters, or even Grandparents. (My whole entire family lives in Canada) The marriage disolved because he couldn't quit cocaine. He blamed my drinking on his problem, and vice versa. So 3 months before my 40th birthday, I quit.I wanted to show him I could do it. I was sober for 8 years. I lost 50lbs and became obsessed with working out 3 hours a day. I completed 4 marathons and was in the best shape of my life. I started getting alot of attention from men half my age, it was flattering and I liked what I saw in the mirror. I substitued drinking for the casino's and quickly became addicted to gambling. I finally had to file for bankruptcy and ban myself from the Casino's. Found a wonderful man and he broke my heart. that was my excuse to start drinking again. It didn't take me long to get back to drinking as much as 8 years before....I failed. I feel and look terrible. My anxiety and depression disapates when I get the "edge" off. I am gambling with my life now. I am on medications which are aliments all due to my consumption. It scares me because my 2 year old grandson needs me. He is the only light in my life that I can see right now.
I still work as a bartender. I have a great deal of drama in my life. My friends call me or visit me at the bar to get an update of my experiences in my personal life. I'm writting a book (at first I started writting just so I could remember what was going on in my life, the alcoholic blackouts would cloud my memory, then I realized I had a book. I have worked and managed the same neighborhood bar for over 20 years. I know everyone that comes in and since people like to share personal details after they have a few, they tell me. I listen.
Thankyou for listening to me. Keep me in your prayers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: okinawa, japan
Posts: 4
Thank you for sharing. Your story and im sure that is a 'nutshell' version is quite inspiring despite the set backs. I am 3 weeks sober from pain pills. i used for the last 6 years...numbing all kinds of childhood trauma/drama as well as the mistakes i made as a mother. I can relate. Honestly for me right now this sober life sucks. its borring and i never felt so bad in my life. i was more so forced to quit. im a military spouse stationed overseas and i had pills mailed to me....and i got cought by customs. so now i got all kinds of legal crap going on. BUT...as more time passes i do realize that my kids, my husband and even myself deserve a sober and clean life. One issue for me is that i was so functioning on the pills; i worked out everyday, i cleaned, i handled all my business. NOW??? Not at all! I go to the dr. next week to 'discuss' meds for depression'. I really just want to feel normal again...what ever the hell normal is.
I come from so much family history of addiction. Right now my alcoholic mother is living in the streets in CA. I dont even know how to deal with that. My uncles, sister, brother are all addicted to something. Im the oldes sibling...i feel like it should start with me. I really am trying to be positive about this.
I found this site and it does help discussing these issues with people who know what the hell im going thru. i do not have anyone to talk to here besides my husband which just found out when he got the call from investigations...ironically hes military police.
And he comes from a total different lifestyle and family history. But im thankful for that. its just hard at times for him to relate to what im going thru.
Thank you too for listening and reading.
Blessings to you!
I come from so much family history of addiction. Right now my alcoholic mother is living in the streets in CA. I dont even know how to deal with that. My uncles, sister, brother are all addicted to something. Im the oldes sibling...i feel like it should start with me. I really am trying to be positive about this.
I found this site and it does help discussing these issues with people who know what the hell im going thru. i do not have anyone to talk to here besides my husband which just found out when he got the call from investigations...ironically hes military police.
And he comes from a total different lifestyle and family history. But im thankful for that. its just hard at times for him to relate to what im going thru.
Thank you too for listening and reading.
Blessings to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: St Louis Missouri
Posts: 71
Combating the bordom
I concur with you about the bordom of being sober, when I was 8 years sober, that was an issue with me too. I failed that stint and been drinking heavily for 3 years. Im on day 5 now, and it's a small step but I force myself to keep busy, take time for myself everyday by taking a brisk walk outside, going to the gym, and meditation. I'm going to an Benefit this evening that is an "All you can drink event" so I volunteered to be the designated driver and bring my own NA beverages. It's difficult being the only sober person in the room. I learned that Im just not "normal" but I know that I could have/should have been arrested or some other terrible consequence happen to me in the past. Like I said, this is only 5 days. I'll take boring instead of the alternative. Blessings to you
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Changing your perspective...
Hi! nice to see you hear,...it's often said, either here or at AA, "stick around long enough and you'll hear someone tell your story", of course that's not exactly true,but often you either read or hear someones version of events, that in some way,'mirrors' your own, certain thingsyou can identify with,...as I did with yours,...
For me then, apart from all the perfectly good, sound advice I picked up, either on here at AA meetings or, more importantly, on the pages of the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous', simple things, which you appear to be doing,aday at a time, etc., was to change my perspective, there were no half measures in this, as it says in the penultimate para. on page 164, of 'Alcoholics Anonymous', I had to, 'sweep away the wreckageof the past',...hand my life and will over to the god of my understanding,and take the actions, physically or mentally, in prayer and meditation to make spiritual progress.
In doing this, I began, and it's an ongoing process, see, 'The Keys of the Kingdom' p.275 of the ,'Big Book', 'Alcoholics Anonymous' ...'A.A. is not a plan for recovery that can be finished and done with'
So, I applaud what you have achieved up to now, have hope for your future and may the god of your understanding go with you,...
For me then, apart from all the perfectly good, sound advice I picked up, either on here at AA meetings or, more importantly, on the pages of the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous', simple things, which you appear to be doing,aday at a time, etc., was to change my perspective, there were no half measures in this, as it says in the penultimate para. on page 164, of 'Alcoholics Anonymous', I had to, 'sweep away the wreckageof the past',...hand my life and will over to the god of my understanding,and take the actions, physically or mentally, in prayer and meditation to make spiritual progress.
In doing this, I began, and it's an ongoing process, see, 'The Keys of the Kingdom' p.275 of the ,'Big Book', 'Alcoholics Anonymous' ...'A.A. is not a plan for recovery that can be finished and done with'
So, I applaud what you have achieved up to now, have hope for your future and may the god of your understanding go with you,...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 18
Way to have the guts to stop drinking again. It takes a strong person to recognize a problem and address it. The positive is that you have achieved long term sobriety before so you know that you are more then capable of doing it again. Remember to surround yourself with positive people. We are the company we keep. Hang in there and get it done one day at a time.
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