coolidge

I'm angry.

Angry that my son has ignored my pleas to examine himself and seek help for alcoholism.

Angry that I am duped every time by his lying and fake sincerity/ pity me act.

Angry at myself for not wanting to speak to him right now.

Angry that I've been dealt this hand and then angry at myself for the self pity as I know humans have been through much, much worse.

Angry that I was an 18 year old mother who overcame an alcoholic rearing (barely), started adult life with nothing but a free couch from a local morgue, worked hard for everything provided for kids and focused on giving my kids a good life only to seemingly watch him throw it all away.

Angry that, although he has never gone to jail yet thankfully, I have been cuffed because of him and embarrassed that people have seen him being brought home by police.

Angry that he cannot be trusted to even get a driver's license.

Angry that I cannot enjoy a quiet evening with my husband without our son's drinking coming up. Angry that my spouse had worked his hands to the bone and been here every night as a father, and yet when drunk, son wants to fight him physically.

Angry that instead of facing reality a year ago, he ran off and moved himself in with a girlfriend with 3 kids, all by different fathers and one with serious mental illness, thus literally dumping lighter fluid on a fire complicating his situation tenfold.

Angry that my weird, whacky, wonderful sense of humor is gone.

Angry that my AS has totally removed relationship with younger brother, they were always close. Angry that I ever believed that any of my attempts to help him would work. Angry that I'm angry. It sounds so selfish in the giant scope of tragedies around the world.

I googled "alcoholic son" and found SR.

The anger, it's good for me right now, but hope it mellows into something else. Something better. Sorry for venting.

Redmayne

Hi! nice to see you here...your post emphasises the fact that alcoholism is a family illness, affecting not only those who drink it but those who surround them in a detrimental, heartbreaking manner....anyone who has, as I have sat at 'closed' A.A. meetings where the invited speakers have been members of that highly praised organisation,'Al-Anon' will immediately identify with your anger and frustration at attempting, as a close relative to deal with your son's alcoholism, bad news, you can't in fact it is often the case that those family and friends whodo, unwittingly, become 'enablers' and whilst their intentions seem plausible and well founded they achieve nothing, either for the person afflicted or themselves, worsening the situation and without being over dramatic would say, even untodeath. Remember we deal with alcohol,'cunning, baffling, powerful'.

The 'answer' as heartbreaking as it may seem is for you to 'detach' and I'm sure that any members of Al Anon will wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment, at the end of the day, you don't pour alcohol down his throat, nor is there anything you can do to stop it, it's never happened in the history of man, especially if your son is a 'real alcoholic ' like me, not that, that makes him different than those society generally terms as alcoholics, it's just a category, sobriety is achieved in the same way, see the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous' Chapter 3, 4th Edition.

So the most constructive advice I can offer is for you to get in touch with your nearest branch of Al Anon, and go to one of their meetings,where there are people who you will not only identify with, but will help and support you, not your son, YOU!!!

I've no intention of sitting in judgement on your son, nor would I sit in judgement on anyone, it is not my place, this thread is about you, may the god of your understanding go with you...

stacylove

I understand your anger Coolidge. Use that anger in a productive way to take care of yourself because there is nothing you can do to change your son's mind. You can be there to support him but he will have to make the ultimate decision to get help. I wish that all addicts listened and sought help when asked, however, as we all know an addict has to make that decision for him/herself. I hope your son takes charge of his life sooner rather than later. Good luck to you and I hope you find positive ways to release your angry thoughts like writing on here or meditation, and/or exercise.
Peace and <3
Stacy

Redmayne

Apart from gettingin touchwith Al Anon, use the SRC forums,
Friends & family', obviously we all hope your son makes some progress towards sobriety, but at the moment , this is about you, so take care...

coolidge

Thank you both. Just typing out the things that have made me angry has helped a little. To see in black and white I guess. Going to first al-anon meeting on Wednesday and am looking forward to a new chapter in my life taking care of ME. Have not seen or spoken to son for a week today. It's been difficult and good at the same time. Thanks for acknowledging my post, I appreciate it very much. I hope to look back to it someday and be in a totally different place in my life. An ugly benchmark of sorts.

Redmayne

Good to hear that you've attended your first meeting at Al Anon... drinking aside, altho' it played a contributory part in it, I lost everything twice, and I do mean EVERYTHING!!! I'll spare you the details, but in the first instance my wife betrayed me and our son, with her stepbrother, a self confessed petty criminal, alcohol and drug abuser, so that we were left with nothing from our 13 yrs of marriage. The only thing I didn't lose and still have today, was my ability,...many thought I should have been dead and not just from alcohol. The name of the disease is alcohol-ISM, the alcohol is but a symptom, it's the -ISM's i.e. life's daily existence that has to be dealt with...

To survive this I had to change my perspective, not easy where personal relationships are concerned, which in my case I did by becoming a very spiritual person, and you can't teach spirituality, which is why we talk of the 12 SUGGESTED Steps, it's got to come from within. I'm sure the comfort you find on SRC and at Al Anon meetings will nurture that in you, for we all have it , it just needs to flourish..may the god of your understanding go with you...

coolidge

Thank you Red Mayne. My God of choice is The holy trinity. I know it doesn't matter but it effects my personal approach I guess. Although I found SR in search of help for my son, I have an addiction to cigarettes to ditch and was a casual marijuana user for almost twenty years. Haven't smoked in three years but twenty years stretched out is a long time. Combined with cigarettes was even worse. I am being heavily convicted to look into my own problems with substances as well and have to be honest.

I had a rogue three year period where something strange happened to me and suddenly I began cycling. At first I could only ride maybe 3 miles and I was suffering. It grew to long distances. Was a weirdly spiritual experience, I was connected with my HP while on that dang bike. I put over 3,000 miles on the first season and worked my way up to what's called a "century" or hundred mile ride in one day. Trained for weeks, diet, no smoking, lost 85 pounds, training and taking excellent care of myself. My mind was sharp, no depression, felt awesome. 3 seasons and 12,000miles. I accomplished things I never thought I could as I was never a "jock" but a band geek. Then had to take up a stressful full time job and BAM it was all over just like that. Only time in my life aside from being a kid where everything was balanced - mind - body - spirit. I surrendered and did it on my own. Instead of whining about how I couldn't do it I just shut up and did it. Had everything to do with silencing myself, listening to my higher power and then acting with what I could do I believe now. It seemed so easy at the time. In coming here a few days ago I realized I want that ability back for myself again so badly. Some of that anger is also directed at me, for reasons other than son's issues. I hope lightening can strike a person twice

Maybe my son will never stop drinking, but working on myself again sure can't make things any worse.

I'm so sorry you lost everything. I feel very lucky to not have had that happen thus far. We've had some scrapes for sure and almost lost our home but I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to lose all twice. I'm so glad you won't let it destroy you!

Redmayne

As often happens, not just in A.A., hang around long enough and you'll hear someone telling ,'your story', I think, in at least one part of our lives we've been on the same trip, e.g. the fitness 'burst', mine in my 30's, amazingly whilst still drinking, I didn't think I had a problem!!

However, as John Lennon said, 'Life is what happens whilst you're making plans about it,' so fast forward to when I started, firstly recognising and then accepting, I had to change MY perspective, no one else's MINE.

I now life my life by following simple Christian beliefs, note, not faith, BELIEFS, Jesus said,"Follow me,"and I do, together with fundemental Buddhist principles, in which as described in the Dalai Lama's book,'A Simple Path' there is no issue or conflict, in fact the Buddhists see Jesus as a great Master, so no problem and of course I apply my daily maintainance, seeking spiritual progress...