Homeless by Own Hand/Sick of These Patterns
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Lexington KY
Posts: 21
Homeless by Own Hand/Sick of These Patterns
Hey All--
I'm a career alcoholic/addict, female, in my forties. Lost a job I'd held for 3 years--an accomplishment of sorts there--last September. No severance--not a 'professional' job--but a nice IRA that I cashed out for living expenses. Though I'd drunk/drugged myself homeless twice before (bad decade) and eventually got back on my feet, sorta, I wasn't doing either at the time.
This time, not so much. I felt damaged, rejected, and ultimately useless by the firing. I've lost over forty jobs, usually for attendance violations (calling in drunk?), just quitting in binge mode, and/or not getting along w/ others/problems with managers. Yes, I have "issues" and am seeking disabilty for those. My life is half over, and I"m tired of fighting just to keep a roof over my head.
The rejection--I'm borderline--sent me into a deep depression. I looked for work initially, at temporary agencies this time (can't go back to nursing--too many AIs, about eight in the past decade and none before that), for warehousing-type work. For the first time in my life, I began to be rejected by temp agencies. At first that blew my little mind, but I soon realised that ppl with no records, victims of the economic downturn, got dibs on the jobs I'd applied for. That makes sense.
Have not drunk alcohol for seven months and a couple of days. Had a bad binge in October that resulted in an AI, some injuries received in a blackout, and voluntary admission to the local nuthouse, ostensibly to detox. (I can usually do that myself--have the training and the drugs on hand to do so, and a cool, quiet environment to boot.) I'm on a very slow Klonopin taper, at 0.5 migs now, but the shrink I was assigned took it upon myself to "withdraw" me from both, with a barbiturate-based rapid taper.
They kept me thirteen days. The taper failed. Went right back to low-dose Klonopin, and basically laid around, and bought stupid **** like jewelry and used food banks for money instead of getting up to get a food card. I was inert; had some fear that the money and the charities would run out and I'd be homeless. Didn't do much to defer or discourage that, and so I am.
I've known of 12-step groups for 20 years too, but found them ******** for a long time. I attend AA pretty regularly where I am now, Lexington KY, sometimes just to get out of the shelter, and sometimes to hear things that will help my brain heal from all that abuse, and possibly change patterns in my thinking. (Whatever "intelligence" I may be said to have has been nearly killed by my alcoholism and serial addictions--first to amphetamines, then a lot of weed until it made me 'paranoid', as some say, and finally, benzodiazepines. You can't profit from psychotherapy if you lie to the therapist about your substance abuse, which seems to derail the process entirely.)
So I have recognised a destructive pattern. My old brain has a lot of healing (catching up, I think, a lot) to do. There are more of those there. I am doing the gratitude list (said to change something in the mind/brain for the better), and have started a long, long list of ppl, institutions, and ideas at which and whom I am pissed off, and a little of the 'why' part as well. Some of this is pretty painful, but not nearly as much as the 'my bad' list, which includes some secrets I am simply not ready to tell anyone yet. People betray me often. I sometimes burble over with confessions of this and that (a front that doesn't always work), but am actually pretty guarded about some stuff.
I am sick of this misery. In therapy as well, but budget cuts and my own financial situation make it hard to go as often as I'd like.
Need help to stop causing the misery. This website is a godsend. Tripped over it in the public library, and have been coming since.
Glad this is here.
freerad
I'm a career alcoholic/addict, female, in my forties. Lost a job I'd held for 3 years--an accomplishment of sorts there--last September. No severance--not a 'professional' job--but a nice IRA that I cashed out for living expenses. Though I'd drunk/drugged myself homeless twice before (bad decade) and eventually got back on my feet, sorta, I wasn't doing either at the time.
This time, not so much. I felt damaged, rejected, and ultimately useless by the firing. I've lost over forty jobs, usually for attendance violations (calling in drunk?), just quitting in binge mode, and/or not getting along w/ others/problems with managers. Yes, I have "issues" and am seeking disabilty for those. My life is half over, and I"m tired of fighting just to keep a roof over my head.
The rejection--I'm borderline--sent me into a deep depression. I looked for work initially, at temporary agencies this time (can't go back to nursing--too many AIs, about eight in the past decade and none before that), for warehousing-type work. For the first time in my life, I began to be rejected by temp agencies. At first that blew my little mind, but I soon realised that ppl with no records, victims of the economic downturn, got dibs on the jobs I'd applied for. That makes sense.
Have not drunk alcohol for seven months and a couple of days. Had a bad binge in October that resulted in an AI, some injuries received in a blackout, and voluntary admission to the local nuthouse, ostensibly to detox. (I can usually do that myself--have the training and the drugs on hand to do so, and a cool, quiet environment to boot.) I'm on a very slow Klonopin taper, at 0.5 migs now, but the shrink I was assigned took it upon myself to "withdraw" me from both, with a barbiturate-based rapid taper.
They kept me thirteen days. The taper failed. Went right back to low-dose Klonopin, and basically laid around, and bought stupid **** like jewelry and used food banks for money instead of getting up to get a food card. I was inert; had some fear that the money and the charities would run out and I'd be homeless. Didn't do much to defer or discourage that, and so I am.
I've known of 12-step groups for 20 years too, but found them ******** for a long time. I attend AA pretty regularly where I am now, Lexington KY, sometimes just to get out of the shelter, and sometimes to hear things that will help my brain heal from all that abuse, and possibly change patterns in my thinking. (Whatever "intelligence" I may be said to have has been nearly killed by my alcoholism and serial addictions--first to amphetamines, then a lot of weed until it made me 'paranoid', as some say, and finally, benzodiazepines. You can't profit from psychotherapy if you lie to the therapist about your substance abuse, which seems to derail the process entirely.)
So I have recognised a destructive pattern. My old brain has a lot of healing (catching up, I think, a lot) to do. There are more of those there. I am doing the gratitude list (said to change something in the mind/brain for the better), and have started a long, long list of ppl, institutions, and ideas at which and whom I am pissed off, and a little of the 'why' part as well. Some of this is pretty painful, but not nearly as much as the 'my bad' list, which includes some secrets I am simply not ready to tell anyone yet. People betray me often. I sometimes burble over with confessions of this and that (a front that doesn't always work), but am actually pretty guarded about some stuff.
I am sick of this misery. In therapy as well, but budget cuts and my own financial situation make it hard to go as often as I'd like.
Need help to stop causing the misery. This website is a godsend. Tripped over it in the public library, and have been coming since.
Glad this is here.
freerad
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
You can't argue....
Hi! Nice to see you here, you're very welcome. Ok, I've obviously read your post as have many others who, I'd guess like me, are thinking, 'I've heard this before, is she talking about me?' because one thing I can guarantee is that somewhere in your recovery the exact same thing will happen to you. I'm not making light of those events, I'm not making light of these events, I mean we all know we're dealing with a life or death situation here, what I am saying is that you are no longer ALONE, everyone is here to help and support you,even though we may never actually meet, we've all suffered under,'the lash of John Barleycorn' and experienced the same hell with the despair and misery that it brings but as the book ,'Alcoholics Anonymous' a.k.ais 'The Big Book' says at Chapter 3,'There is a Solution' that will lift you out of this found in Chapter 5,'How it Works' you canfind all this read it and begin the sameold cycle all over again, your choice, you see,'recovery' is a 'selfish programme, it's not about me or others, it's about you, which is why it says, in the first line of Chapter 5,'Rarely have we seen a person fail who has not thoroughly followed our path', now mark those words and never forget them ever, you see I didn't, oh, no, no, no my intellectual,alcoholic brain, running on 'self will'said, huh, it's just a book, what doesthis mean? and carried on drinking, convinced that one day I'd wake up, the sun would be shining , birds would be singing, the worldwould be at peace and my misery would be a dim and distant memory, fading even as I woke, BAD NEWS, it ain't going to happen like that.
Which is why in the Foreword to the First Edition, as it appeared in 1939 it says,'We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are MORE than one hundred men and women who have completely recovered froma seemingly hopeless state of mind and body'.
Not just one person, 'more than one hundred men and women' now you can argue with one person but you can't argue with 100, remember what I said, you're not alone?
Well no one was then and no one is now! So not only is it all there for you, WE are all here for you!
May the god of your understanding go with you. God of what? what is thissilly old foolon about now? Simple, he, she or it, remember it's the god of your understanding, not mine or anybody else, is waiting to enter your life, all it requires is that you take the first 3 suggested Steps, found on this site or in the Big Book, and your on your way,and let's face it,yoiu've taken the first one already, just by being here, so what's stopping you, honey?
C'mon, come and join us.
Which is why in the Foreword to the First Edition, as it appeared in 1939 it says,'We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are MORE than one hundred men and women who have completely recovered froma seemingly hopeless state of mind and body'.
Not just one person, 'more than one hundred men and women' now you can argue with one person but you can't argue with 100, remember what I said, you're not alone?
Well no one was then and no one is now! So not only is it all there for you, WE are all here for you!
May the god of your understanding go with you. God of what? what is thissilly old foolon about now? Simple, he, she or it, remember it's the god of your understanding, not mine or anybody else, is waiting to enter your life, all it requires is that you take the first 3 suggested Steps, found on this site or in the Big Book, and your on your way,and let's face it,yoiu've taken the first one already, just by being here, so what's stopping you, honey?
C'mon, come and join us.
@ 7 months sober...Keep up the good work 
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