*Sigh* Am I ever going to DO THIS?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
*Sigh* Am I ever going to DO THIS?!
Okay, so I am not new to SR, as you can see.
However, I did just come back from a relapse after 4 months clean, and have to sask myself: When am I gonna get straight?! Using isn't awful to me, I didn't reach some "rock bottom", but, as I've been told, your 'bottom' is wherever you decide to stop digging, and I've dug myself pretty deep.
My relapse was only 2 days long, and nothing too out of the ordinary happened during those two days. I just decided I could not go down that road again, and told on myself. My sponsor has me doing a relapse worksheet, and I am going to go over my previous steps before continuing on.
I know this has to end. I can no longer afford to go on using. It is tearing my life apart. My husband can't deal with it, and I don't want to lose him or my son.
So I guess "where I am" is at the bottom I've created. I am choosing to put down the shovel and pick up the tools to climb out of this hole.
However, I did just come back from a relapse after 4 months clean, and have to sask myself: When am I gonna get straight?! Using isn't awful to me, I didn't reach some "rock bottom", but, as I've been told, your 'bottom' is wherever you decide to stop digging, and I've dug myself pretty deep.
My relapse was only 2 days long, and nothing too out of the ordinary happened during those two days. I just decided I could not go down that road again, and told on myself. My sponsor has me doing a relapse worksheet, and I am going to go over my previous steps before continuing on.
I know this has to end. I can no longer afford to go on using. It is tearing my life apart. My husband can't deal with it, and I don't want to lose him or my son.
So I guess "where I am" is at the bottom I've created. I am choosing to put down the shovel and pick up the tools to climb out of this hole.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((OWW))) - though I did have a pretty low bottom, I got some recovery time, relapsed for a short period, and it just finally hit me - "I can't do this any more...I don't WANT to keep doing this ****".
I admire the people who do it before all the horrendous consequences that come if we continue to use.
You can do this. The problems it's causing in your family will get worse and worse if you don't stop.
Throw everything you've got into recovery. Let this last relapse be the last time. Life doesn't always get miraculously better, right away, but waking up each day, not feeling the shame/guilt/etc. and look at your family's face, with probable signs of exasperation and disgust...that's a pretty good thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I admire the people who do it before all the horrendous consequences that come if we continue to use.
You can do this. The problems it's causing in your family will get worse and worse if you don't stop.
Throw everything you've got into recovery. Let this last relapse be the last time. Life doesn't always get miraculously better, right away, but waking up each day, not feeling the shame/guilt/etc. and look at your family's face, with probable signs of exasperation and disgust...that's a pretty good thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 242
Very few of us have not relapsed in our history of addiction. SR has been so wonderful for me and I come here every day, mostly to read, but often to post as well. However, it is one day at a time, and I cannot say I will never relapse, but if I come here every day, I know I have the support from a great group of people who have walked in my shoes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 6
A different tack
Hello all, and congrats on your successes!
I have 2 years and 4 months now, and here's how I did it:
I tried AA, but was put off by the God part of the program. I tried having faith in myself and my own BEST thinking, which included seeing alcoholism as a behavior pattern (which can be changed) rather than a disease, and succeeded. I don't suggest that everyone do it my way, or even that anyone do it my way. I am just sharing my experience.
I have 2 years and 4 months now, and here's how I did it:
I tried AA, but was put off by the God part of the program. I tried having faith in myself and my own BEST thinking, which included seeing alcoholism as a behavior pattern (which can be changed) rather than a disease, and succeeded. I don't suggest that everyone do it my way, or even that anyone do it my way. I am just sharing my experience.
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
'Rarely have we see a person fail....'
The question,'Am I ever going to be released from my alcoholism and get sober?'rose in my mind and haunted me for may, many years. Yes, I got 'sick and tiredof being sick and tired',yes, I prayed to the god of my understanding, yes,I attended A.A. meetings where I walked the walk and talk the talk , yet I still drank, my life's path was so easy, all I had to do was drink myself to death, no problem, REALLY???
Eventually I realised that the one thing lacking in any attempt to gain sobriety on my part was something I've always prided myself on but which alcohol had robbed me of, HONESTY!!!
I didn't just lie to everybody else, I was lying to myself!
The opening line to Chapter 5 of ,'the Big Book' says,'Rarely have we seen a person fail who has THOROUGHLY followed are path',and that was the key, THOROUGHLY, everything else in my life that I considered important, they weren't really had to be swept aside,it didn't matter what I thought others would think of me , my self pride and pity,GONE!!!
When I struggled, I just relaxed, 'turned my headto the light and BELIEVED more deeply', strengthening my inner self,my spirituality, for no one can teach you that, it has to come from YOU,not how you appear to others, not hours wallowing inself pity with a bottle in your hand, YOU!!!
In doing that I built a good, honest relationship with the god of my understanding, sacrificing everything else for it, and doing so turned my life and will over to him, I WAS THOROUGH AND HONEST, the 'reward' on the night of the 14/15th of Feb., 2008 when I was alone and unaided and so debilitated by alcohol that I couldn't even stand, my alcoholism was taken from me when I, in my pain and suffering cried out for release, theproof of this event? I'm sat here typing this thread, safe and sane and sober.
Eventually I realised that the one thing lacking in any attempt to gain sobriety on my part was something I've always prided myself on but which alcohol had robbed me of, HONESTY!!!
I didn't just lie to everybody else, I was lying to myself!
The opening line to Chapter 5 of ,'the Big Book' says,'Rarely have we seen a person fail who has THOROUGHLY followed are path',and that was the key, THOROUGHLY, everything else in my life that I considered important, they weren't really had to be swept aside,it didn't matter what I thought others would think of me , my self pride and pity,GONE!!!
When I struggled, I just relaxed, 'turned my headto the light and BELIEVED more deeply', strengthening my inner self,my spirituality, for no one can teach you that, it has to come from YOU,not how you appear to others, not hours wallowing inself pity with a bottle in your hand, YOU!!!
In doing that I built a good, honest relationship with the god of my understanding, sacrificing everything else for it, and doing so turned my life and will over to him, I WAS THOROUGH AND HONEST, the 'reward' on the night of the 14/15th of Feb., 2008 when I was alone and unaided and so debilitated by alcohol that I couldn't even stand, my alcoholism was taken from me when I, in my pain and suffering cried out for release, theproof of this event? I'm sat here typing this thread, safe and sane and sober.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Nj
Posts: 4
Thanks for talking about how we create our own rock bottom. I have never heard it quite put that way. I only just relized what a problem I have a few days ago. I hit what I thought to be rock bottom 5 years ago and never want to go back there again. I was just sitting here wondering if I had to hit rock bottom again because I never want to go back there. I love what you said about rock bottom being when you decide to put the shovel down. Please know that today you had an impact on someones life. Thank-you
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Rock bottoms, mmnnnn...
As has been portrayed by a numberof people already, 'rockbottoms' come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and in my case I always hoped, prayed even that this was the one! It neverhappened, there was to be no life changing, life affirming moment.
Tell you what did happen though, when I stopped trying to be 'Master of my own Destiny' running on that old favourite, 'self will' and finally, beaten near sensless, so debilitated by alcohol I could only crawl on my belly to my bed where I cried out to the god of my understanding for reliease from my suffering, I 'let go and let God', I got better, and entered into sobriety.
Now, nobody has to go that far, in fact I hope you don't have to, , the Big Book' says,'those who THOROUGHLY follow our path', so all you have to do is pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools, hand your life, will and direction over to the god of your understanding and let it happen.
A life run on self will is no life, and stifles any attempt at recovery.
Tell you what did happen though, when I stopped trying to be 'Master of my own Destiny' running on that old favourite, 'self will' and finally, beaten near sensless, so debilitated by alcohol I could only crawl on my belly to my bed where I cried out to the god of my understanding for reliease from my suffering, I 'let go and let God', I got better, and entered into sobriety.
Now, nobody has to go that far, in fact I hope you don't have to, , the Big Book' says,'those who THOROUGHLY follow our path', so all you have to do is pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools, hand your life, will and direction over to the god of your understanding and let it happen.
A life run on self will is no life, and stifles any attempt at recovery.
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