Joining the dots.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Heywood,Gtr.Manchester
Posts: 242
Joining the dots.
Okay, okay I know it seems I'm hogging this forum, three threads in two day, but lets just call it,'Michael's Triology' okay.
This morning, after stemming my tears and composing myself, I breakfasted and mulled over my thoughts, in doing so that still small voice that lies within us all kept saying," This isn't about you anymore, it is about YOU," saying that to myself as I showered, etc., it came out,'This isn't about me, it's about ME!'.
So whatdoes that mean? To me it equates to the fact that for 45yrs of my adult life, starting when I was 15, I served my country, my community and those who serve the community, in one of those careers I was both a Senior Police Officer and at one stage a Detective, in my investigative role I always knew that for a prosecution case to succeed in the courts it was necessary to,'join the dots' or provide a ,'chain of evidence', if one of the links was weak, or failed to ,'join the dots' you either had no case or any prosecution was going to fail being after severely attacked and damaged by the defence. I pursued the same tactic in the years after my police service ended, as a criminal lawyer specialising in, believe it or not acting on behalf of police officers. I deserved the title,'gamekeeper turned poacher', as well as alcoholic, let's not forget that!
I then braved the brief break in the Artic conditions, hit the supermarket and stocked up with provisions ready for the next, already forecasted round of snow and blizzards. On returning home and unpacking my supplies I felt the prescence of a woman in the flat, odd since I've been single for 19yrs and, something I'm quite comfortable with, celibate for the past five. Domestic duties finished with I sat down with a pot of tea and the Christmas edition of the seasonal tv programmes, the woman was still there, couldn't se or smell her but she was moving in the flat, drawing me to my computer work station.
Determined to put a stop to this nuiscance and have a nap I logged on to SRC and this mornings thread,' This morning I . . . .' and there she was 925girl all the way from San Francisco, mentioning,'Gods grace' and then all the lights in my brain flicked on!
You see for the past few weeks I've been sober but in a state of flux, there was no horizon, nothing made sense, I thought I was experiencing depression, worst than I'd ever know or may be a ,'dry drunk', somehow I'd lost something very precious to me, my spirituality disappeared and I'd somehow,'lost myself'.
The truth was, I had in fact experienced Gods grace, what I had been doing wrong was,'being me', the old me who had spent 45yrs of his life, leading, managing, teaching, training, investigating, prosecuting and defending others plus being a husband and father, twice over, and let's not forget being an alcoholic for thirty years, and was continuing, in my mind to continue in that existence, albeit all the reason for it had long since gone,'sweep away the wreckage of the past', did I hear someone say?
The dots of my new existence, being ME where to be found in the various events, to long for me to list here, but referred to in the manner of my mothers passing and the arrival of my grandson mentioned in my previous thread and the fact that my alcoholism was taken from me in what I've had to accept was a ,'spiritual experience' on the 15th Feb.,2008.
The reference to ,'God's grace' by 925girl, marked the realisation of my own stupidity in my sobriety, that it's all over , the triumphs and disasters , real or imaginary that we all know so well are gone. I am now, with the blessing of the God of my understanding and without let or hinderance, from people, places or institutions, allowed to enjoy my sobriety and just be ME, no more ,no less.
The dots have been joined up, the past, is gone, me being ME is perhaps best illustrated on the card my late mother gave me for my 60th birthday, the like of which niether I nor anyone else had seen before. Now framed it is
of a little boy, aged 8-10 yrs sitting on the foreshore of an estuary watching a large liner going out to sea . The boy is undeniably me, the ship I called 'life', one that I have not only sailed on, fell overboard from and captained at odd stages. Another dot. If you've stayed with me thus far, thank you, best wishes for the Season, Mike.
This morning, after stemming my tears and composing myself, I breakfasted and mulled over my thoughts, in doing so that still small voice that lies within us all kept saying," This isn't about you anymore, it is about YOU," saying that to myself as I showered, etc., it came out,'This isn't about me, it's about ME!'.
So whatdoes that mean? To me it equates to the fact that for 45yrs of my adult life, starting when I was 15, I served my country, my community and those who serve the community, in one of those careers I was both a Senior Police Officer and at one stage a Detective, in my investigative role I always knew that for a prosecution case to succeed in the courts it was necessary to,'join the dots' or provide a ,'chain of evidence', if one of the links was weak, or failed to ,'join the dots' you either had no case or any prosecution was going to fail being after severely attacked and damaged by the defence. I pursued the same tactic in the years after my police service ended, as a criminal lawyer specialising in, believe it or not acting on behalf of police officers. I deserved the title,'gamekeeper turned poacher', as well as alcoholic, let's not forget that!
I then braved the brief break in the Artic conditions, hit the supermarket and stocked up with provisions ready for the next, already forecasted round of snow and blizzards. On returning home and unpacking my supplies I felt the prescence of a woman in the flat, odd since I've been single for 19yrs and, something I'm quite comfortable with, celibate for the past five. Domestic duties finished with I sat down with a pot of tea and the Christmas edition of the seasonal tv programmes, the woman was still there, couldn't se or smell her but she was moving in the flat, drawing me to my computer work station.
Determined to put a stop to this nuiscance and have a nap I logged on to SRC and this mornings thread,' This morning I . . . .' and there she was 925girl all the way from San Francisco, mentioning,'Gods grace' and then all the lights in my brain flicked on!
You see for the past few weeks I've been sober but in a state of flux, there was no horizon, nothing made sense, I thought I was experiencing depression, worst than I'd ever know or may be a ,'dry drunk', somehow I'd lost something very precious to me, my spirituality disappeared and I'd somehow,'lost myself'.
The truth was, I had in fact experienced Gods grace, what I had been doing wrong was,'being me', the old me who had spent 45yrs of his life, leading, managing, teaching, training, investigating, prosecuting and defending others plus being a husband and father, twice over, and let's not forget being an alcoholic for thirty years, and was continuing, in my mind to continue in that existence, albeit all the reason for it had long since gone,'sweep away the wreckage of the past', did I hear someone say?
The dots of my new existence, being ME where to be found in the various events, to long for me to list here, but referred to in the manner of my mothers passing and the arrival of my grandson mentioned in my previous thread and the fact that my alcoholism was taken from me in what I've had to accept was a ,'spiritual experience' on the 15th Feb.,2008.
The reference to ,'God's grace' by 925girl, marked the realisation of my own stupidity in my sobriety, that it's all over , the triumphs and disasters , real or imaginary that we all know so well are gone. I am now, with the blessing of the God of my understanding and without let or hinderance, from people, places or institutions, allowed to enjoy my sobriety and just be ME, no more ,no less.
The dots have been joined up, the past, is gone, me being ME is perhaps best illustrated on the card my late mother gave me for my 60th birthday, the like of which niether I nor anyone else had seen before. Now framed it is
of a little boy, aged 8-10 yrs sitting on the foreshore of an estuary watching a large liner going out to sea . The boy is undeniably me, the ship I called 'life', one that I have not only sailed on, fell overboard from and captained at odd stages. Another dot. If you've stayed with me thus far, thank you, best wishes for the Season, Mike.
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