I was in severe benzo withdrawal when I came across this board..
Good greetings to anyone that stumbles upon this post.
When I came upon this board, I was in severe benzodiazepine withdrawal. That was back in 2008 and at that time, I had lost nearly all ability to function. Somehow I was able to do research on the Internet though, which wasn't a good thing because the Internet really messed with me during all of that. Sent me into a downward spiral numerous times.
I am still in recovery with physical and mental symptoms but they have become more manageable, and I have gained the capacity to function again in most aspects, although I am still unable to work or hold down a steady job. Because of this, I am back in school because school is not as demanding as a full-time job, and I can do much of the work at home. Part of recovery is avoiding stress as much as possible, and introducing things back into your life when you're ready. This has been a very, very LONG road.
Unfortunately I was one of those that nearly died when coming off of benzos. I did exactly as my Dr. instructed me to do and tapered off in three months. I had a brain seizure about four to six weeks after getting off, and I was in a state of terror for nearly two years. I descended into hell, and I mean literal hell. I won't go into all the details of what happened during all of that, because I encountered a lot of evil behavior. With that being said, it is very much true that the devil preys on the weaknesses of others. I'm thankful to be alive at this point and on the path to recovery. I have turned to God for support and strength, and I won't be trying to do life without God again. God has brought some very good people into my life, and that is what I need. God truly does protect, and I wish I had had the common sense to protect myself with God a LONG time ago. I didn't become addicted to benzos for no reason obviously.
I think many addicts become addicts because they never had a good support system to begin with. Looking back I can see that most of my friends were never good friends to begin with, and I can see how I was not too good at setting boundaries in my own life. I allowed some bad doors to open, ones that should have never been opened to begin with. I'm trying not to beat myself up but at the same time am trying to not make the same mistakes I made in the past.
So I'm still in recovery and am back in school, which is a good sign. My memory has almost fully come back, although not quite because I can still feel a bit of brain trauma going on. I'm still vibrating internally, and I'm trying to have faith all that will go away with time. Really the only thing getting me through this is God, and trying to believe that God has something much better for me in store. I still struggle very much so with negative thoughts, and part of recovery is learning to try and manage those by getting a grip on them and not believing the negative self-talk.
Also, nobody can tell I went through hell unless I tell them. I am dating again, but am not really ready to go after the gold yet if you get my drift. I feel as if recovery is like climbing up a ladder, almost like a game that must be conquered, and as we climb up that ladder, God will bless us. It's no easy task, that's for sure.
Finally, I do still find myself craving benzos. My anxiety is very high still and my system is still quite sensitive to stress, so ya, I still crave them but I'd rather die than go down that road again. I've also still got tinnitus in my ears and am sensitive to food and chemicals still. I must keep enduring because those little pills are the devil himself. I know they are very much like alcohol in a pill because they effect the GABA receptors just as alcohol does, but the withdrawal seems to be much, much longer with benzos. I wish the medical community would acknowledge this fact, because their lack of knowledge and ignorance did not help me one bit during all of that.
Anyway, so that is part of my story and I'm hoping to get support from this board. People can look at me and see nothing wrong. This has been a huge lesson on "It's what's on the inside that counts" because you can never judge a book by its cover. You just never know what's going on with people, unless you take the time to get to know them.
Peace and God Bless.