BeautifulDisatr

I was lying in bed a few months ago and it was about two in the morning and as usual I was crying my eyes out, throwing a full on temper tantrum, body and mind consumed with fear, anger, resentment, frustration, and loneliness after another nasty argument with my addict boyfriend. Lost and Confused - I started Googling on my tiny little phone, anything I could think of in order to help me understand, to help me - help him, to give me an answer to why my addict boyfriend had become so incredibly distant, heartless, cruel and cold. That the wonderful, kind, loving guy who always made me laugh and smile, my best friend, my lover, the man I fell in love with, the man I dreamed of a future with, the man I was sharing my life with - had become this skinny, paranoid, manipulative, full of hate and anxiety, heart as cold as ice and words filled with venom projected straight at me. I kept beating myself up thinking it was me, thinking I was the reason for his relapse, for his anger, for his depression, for all the problem in his life – that maybe if I left him or did more for him, or provided more, or took care of more or denied my feeling and emotions because he couldn’t handle it, that somehow that would bring happiness to him, to us and he could quit doing drugs. I blamed myself for his unhappiness, his problems, his relapse and even though 99% of his problems – were that HIS PROBLEM!! I took on the responsibility of his emotions, his life because “I care and love him”

I HAD GONE CRAZY!!! My life had become completely unmanageable. That night I stumbled across a blog on SoberReceovery called the “Cycle of Craziness” and for a second I could breath, I knew it wasn’t just me, That there was a reason to this insanity and it was not ALL my fault and I was not a bad person and my emotions were normal and I was normal. And my pain was normal and I was not alone.

For two months I read all the blogs and comments on Sober Recovery and just a few days ago I finally signed up. I thank ALL of you who are a part of the Sober Recovery Community - addicts, family and friends of addicts – your words bring peace and sanity. Sometime it is still hurtful reading some the ‘truths’ about drug addiction and addict behavior but it is not harmful and in the long run has provided me the truth in order to understand and enable me to find the strength and sanity, that somewhere along my cycle of craziness I lost with in myself.

I still have a ways to go in my healing process, in my recovery as an enabler, co-dependent. ACOA, plus I have suffered from depression on and off my entire life. But I know now this journey of mine is a good thing. And through the heartache, struggles and tears I will be a better woman, a better girlfriend, a better mother and a better friend.

Hopefully someday my man will see that – more importantly hopefully someday I will see that and embrace it. But I guess that is why they call it a journey.

HRB

I came here the exact same way. He was verbally abusive one night when he went to bed earlier than I did because he was drunk. I tried to carefully take the remote from his hand to turn off the TV. The verbal onslaught left me stunned and crying into my pillow. I laid there and googled on my phone too. I was looking for some way to help him but I realize now I have to help myself. I don't know how good a job I'm doing right now but I think doing something is better than nothing.

I'm so happy to know that I'm not alone. I always knew I wasn't the only one but it's so helpful to see other people's stories.

dkayvins125

I hate to say just "ditto" but I was doing the same thing.
I am broken.
Dean