A Post-Junky Identity
Attended By a Single Hound
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
A Post-Junky Identity
Where I am and why I haven’t posted in a while...
I feel like the ways in which my life has changed since getting clean are beginning to really hit me.
It is no secret that we construct our identities largely through the way in which others perceive us and in relation to the external world. In turn, how people perceives us through our behaviours or even a single behaviour determines our relation to and within the external world, informing who we are internally.
The people who gave me alcohol and introduced me to drugs as a child facetiously refered to each other, and me as ‘junkie’. I was young, most the people within my sphere of perception were drug users and, I admit now, I was impressionable; the more they used and the more they said ‘junky’, the more I used, and the more I used the more people said ‘junky’.
Then, the roles I shed during adolescence (child, school pupil, strongest swimmer on the team etc) instead of being replaced by socially acceptable and ‘normal’ adult roles (woman, college student, employee etc) were replaced by a single reinforced notion of myself; I became ‘just a junkie’.
Through both the nature of addiction and equally through the understanding -or rather mass ignorance- of the majority, being a junky encapsulated me completely. Like, I was not only prevented from becoming anything ‘successful’ in adult life, but stripped of the roles a person maintains throughout their entire life; being a junky meant I wasn’t even a daughter, a friend...a human in the eyes of my family and wider society.
By my late teens, I had concentrated my entire identity, siphoned away everything but that one little word...I had become a self fulfilling prophecy...a real junky.
I lived in a crack house in London with my junky partner, was enrolled in, but rarely attended, university. Near death’ experiences were both an occupational hazard and everyday irritation. I was three hundred miles from my nearest relatives and officially estranged from them anyhow.
And that was my life.
When people ask what made me do cold turkey, I think of one particular afternoon. I’ve spoken about it before...
I was waiting on my guy. I’d been sitting there all day, massaging the blood clot developing in my arm. When he finally walked in I opened my mouth to blurt out: ‘I might be pregnant’, but before I could he blurted out ‘We might have AIDS’.
The last bits of my life, the few fragments I still clung to, just shattered and with the force of a snowball that’d been rolling downhill for over a decade, it hit me: WHO THE **** AM I?
As I’ve said, near death experiences were common place. AIDS, in hindsight, probably wouldn’t have got me clean. If it had turned out I had AIDs I’m reasonably certain I’d have contorted it into the sickest excuse yet to just keep using: ‘well , I’m gonna’ die anyway’.
That’s junkie logic.
My body was ruined. Scarred, malnourished, usually slightly blue. I ran on M&Ms and Coca Cola almost exclusively. I didn’t even think of myself as female, human. I’d been hopping from one substance to another since I was an infant; I hadn’t had time to consider motherhood, a career...life.
My body was a device, an instrument through which to administer drugs, and nothing more. I didn’t think my body was capable of sustaining my life much longer, yet it was seemingly capable of creating a human life within it?
I can’t explain the way in which my thoughts moved when my guy said we might have AIDs and I thought of the life possibly blooming in my womb. I can’t stand, even now to think of that first week, the wds. I don’t know any words for what I felt when I found out, after running away from my home and my partner, that I wasn’t pregnant, I didn’t have AIDS and I overcame the deep vein thrombosis. But something had changed. Suffice to say, something had changed irrevocably.
I’ve been clean a year and a half now.
And in that year and a half I’ve graduated from university with a 1st Class BA Hons Degree, accepted an unconditional offer to undertake a Master’s Degree, won a full scholarship alongside an Olympic cyclist and professional golfer, finished the first draft of a novel, begun a second novel, taken out an eight grand bank loan, moved house twice, split from my partner (who is now also seeking help and on a methadone script), reconciled with my estranged mother and established relationships with my grandfather, uncles and my closest friend. The writers I once read aloud to my then partner while he searched my arms for a vein, I now chat with at Press Launches.
It is testament to how much my life has changed, how much I have changed, that my ‘new’ friends don’t even know I’m a junky. The thing which encapsulated my entire identity less than two years ago is word, a life, an identity unknown to most of my current friends, as though it never even happened.
These friends know me as a woman, a writer, a graduate. The thing, the role, which was, in truth, my entire identity for my whole adolescent and adult life is gone. The words through which my friends identify me are ‘successful’, socially acceptable and ‘positive’ roles within the society I live...yet, I am painfully aware of the familiar pattern through which I became a junkie. It is the same process through which I am now becoming ‘successful’, and it makes me understandably suspicious; Just because these new roles are ‘good’ doesn’t mean they are stable or even my / a true identity.
Consequently, I feel simultaneous accomplishment and despair. At every junction in time I, for whatever reason, suddenly feel ‘I know who I am. This is me’, I simultaneously bite back on a rising terror: ‘But what does that mean?!’. And that is the human condition. I was never intoxicated enough (be it through drugs or sudden sobriety) to delude myself into believing I would ever escape existential torment, but the new ways in which that torment is manifesting itself now are both sudden and monumental.
And that’s life
...Whatever that means lol. :P
I feel like the ways in which my life has changed since getting clean are beginning to really hit me.
It is no secret that we construct our identities largely through the way in which others perceive us and in relation to the external world. In turn, how people perceives us through our behaviours or even a single behaviour determines our relation to and within the external world, informing who we are internally.
The people who gave me alcohol and introduced me to drugs as a child facetiously refered to each other, and me as ‘junkie’. I was young, most the people within my sphere of perception were drug users and, I admit now, I was impressionable; the more they used and the more they said ‘junky’, the more I used, and the more I used the more people said ‘junky’.
Then, the roles I shed during adolescence (child, school pupil, strongest swimmer on the team etc) instead of being replaced by socially acceptable and ‘normal’ adult roles (woman, college student, employee etc) were replaced by a single reinforced notion of myself; I became ‘just a junkie’.
Through both the nature of addiction and equally through the understanding -or rather mass ignorance- of the majority, being a junky encapsulated me completely. Like, I was not only prevented from becoming anything ‘successful’ in adult life, but stripped of the roles a person maintains throughout their entire life; being a junky meant I wasn’t even a daughter, a friend...a human in the eyes of my family and wider society.
By my late teens, I had concentrated my entire identity, siphoned away everything but that one little word...I had become a self fulfilling prophecy...a real junky.
I lived in a crack house in London with my junky partner, was enrolled in, but rarely attended, university. Near death’ experiences were both an occupational hazard and everyday irritation. I was three hundred miles from my nearest relatives and officially estranged from them anyhow.
And that was my life.
When people ask what made me do cold turkey, I think of one particular afternoon. I’ve spoken about it before...
I was waiting on my guy. I’d been sitting there all day, massaging the blood clot developing in my arm. When he finally walked in I opened my mouth to blurt out: ‘I might be pregnant’, but before I could he blurted out ‘We might have AIDS’.
The last bits of my life, the few fragments I still clung to, just shattered and with the force of a snowball that’d been rolling downhill for over a decade, it hit me: WHO THE **** AM I?
As I’ve said, near death experiences were common place. AIDS, in hindsight, probably wouldn’t have got me clean. If it had turned out I had AIDs I’m reasonably certain I’d have contorted it into the sickest excuse yet to just keep using: ‘well , I’m gonna’ die anyway’.
That’s junkie logic.
My body was ruined. Scarred, malnourished, usually slightly blue. I ran on M&Ms and Coca Cola almost exclusively. I didn’t even think of myself as female, human. I’d been hopping from one substance to another since I was an infant; I hadn’t had time to consider motherhood, a career...life.
My body was a device, an instrument through which to administer drugs, and nothing more. I didn’t think my body was capable of sustaining my life much longer, yet it was seemingly capable of creating a human life within it?
I can’t explain the way in which my thoughts moved when my guy said we might have AIDs and I thought of the life possibly blooming in my womb. I can’t stand, even now to think of that first week, the wds. I don’t know any words for what I felt when I found out, after running away from my home and my partner, that I wasn’t pregnant, I didn’t have AIDS and I overcame the deep vein thrombosis. But something had changed. Suffice to say, something had changed irrevocably.
I’ve been clean a year and a half now.
And in that year and a half I’ve graduated from university with a 1st Class BA Hons Degree, accepted an unconditional offer to undertake a Master’s Degree, won a full scholarship alongside an Olympic cyclist and professional golfer, finished the first draft of a novel, begun a second novel, taken out an eight grand bank loan, moved house twice, split from my partner (who is now also seeking help and on a methadone script), reconciled with my estranged mother and established relationships with my grandfather, uncles and my closest friend. The writers I once read aloud to my then partner while he searched my arms for a vein, I now chat with at Press Launches.
It is testament to how much my life has changed, how much I have changed, that my ‘new’ friends don’t even know I’m a junky. The thing which encapsulated my entire identity less than two years ago is word, a life, an identity unknown to most of my current friends, as though it never even happened.
These friends know me as a woman, a writer, a graduate. The thing, the role, which was, in truth, my entire identity for my whole adolescent and adult life is gone. The words through which my friends identify me are ‘successful’, socially acceptable and ‘positive’ roles within the society I live...yet, I am painfully aware of the familiar pattern through which I became a junkie. It is the same process through which I am now becoming ‘successful’, and it makes me understandably suspicious; Just because these new roles are ‘good’ doesn’t mean they are stable or even my / a true identity.
Consequently, I feel simultaneous accomplishment and despair. At every junction in time I, for whatever reason, suddenly feel ‘I know who I am. This is me’, I simultaneously bite back on a rising terror: ‘But what does that mean?!’. And that is the human condition. I was never intoxicated enough (be it through drugs or sudden sobriety) to delude myself into believing I would ever escape existential torment, but the new ways in which that torment is manifesting itself now are both sudden and monumental.
And that’s life
...Whatever that means lol. :P
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: St. Louis
Posts: 2
Wow!!!
You should be so proud of yourself! Beating it was successful enough, but you really outdid yourself.
I really believe that the one thing that keeps us from moving on while in active addiction is that feeling of self-loathing and general lack of belief in ourselves. We see ourselves as "junkies" only and cannot focus on anything good we've done. Part of that is because we are constantly seeking and working to support our addictions, so that "junkie" becomes WHO we are in reality, too.
I used to be a goal-oriented and successful person, and now..."junkie." I totally understand what you are saying. I cannot wait to be on the other side.
You keep on moving forward. This brought so much hope to me and my situation. Like you, I am in a relationship where both of us are using. We are scheduled for admission to rehab in 2 weeks. Wish us strength and good luck! We tried cold turkey and Suboxone several times, and unfortunately, neither worked. That's why I am doubly impressed by you!!! Like you said, junkie logic will trip you up every time!
Thanks again!
K
I really believe that the one thing that keeps us from moving on while in active addiction is that feeling of self-loathing and general lack of belief in ourselves. We see ourselves as "junkies" only and cannot focus on anything good we've done. Part of that is because we are constantly seeking and working to support our addictions, so that "junkie" becomes WHO we are in reality, too.
I used to be a goal-oriented and successful person, and now..."junkie." I totally understand what you are saying. I cannot wait to be on the other side.
You keep on moving forward. This brought so much hope to me and my situation. Like you, I am in a relationship where both of us are using. We are scheduled for admission to rehab in 2 weeks. Wish us strength and good luck! We tried cold turkey and Suboxone several times, and unfortunately, neither worked. That's why I am doubly impressed by you!!! Like you said, junkie logic will trip you up every time!
Thanks again!
K
Attended By a Single Hound
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
Best of luck, to both of you. Real sweet post too, ta. And remember, you ain't just a junkie...ever. Even from what you just said, I already know you're a partner, a part of a team, someone who's trying, and someone who'se desire ain't directed exclusively at gear...and I don't even know you, heh. 
Be strong, and welcome to the other side lol :P
Be strong, and welcome to the other side lol :P
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Heywood,Gtr.Manchester
Posts: 242
Attachments.
Yours is a remarkable story and you have achieved much we can all be proud of!
For myself I achieved much whilst still an alcoholic, attaining senior rank as a police officer, becoming a criminal lawyer(per se) attending university at 55 and qualifying to teach in Higher, Further and Adult Education and raising my son, now aged 28 and a University Educated succesful professional musician as a single parent.
Learning Buddhist Principles , specifically,'The Four Noble Truths' which specifically relate to suffering, cause of, cessation and enlightenment, keeping close to the god of my understanding so that when alcohol finally and literally had me crawling on my belly I cried out to the God of my understanding in pain and fear, as a result of which my alcoholism was taken from me on the 15th of Feb.,2008, I have not completely regained my health but after 30yrs as an alcoholic lets not expect to much.
The most important principle I have learned is to rid myself of attachments and in doing so understand the Buddhist principole of,'emptiness' which in itself may be interpreted as recognising that everything is but parts of the whole, including my own and everyone elses existence, I live exactly the life I should in the community but my whole perspective has changed, my life is ordered, balanced and disciplined most importantly it is full of compassion so I hope this will go some way to assist you in recovery. Mike W.
For myself I achieved much whilst still an alcoholic, attaining senior rank as a police officer, becoming a criminal lawyer(per se) attending university at 55 and qualifying to teach in Higher, Further and Adult Education and raising my son, now aged 28 and a University Educated succesful professional musician as a single parent.
Learning Buddhist Principles , specifically,'The Four Noble Truths' which specifically relate to suffering, cause of, cessation and enlightenment, keeping close to the god of my understanding so that when alcohol finally and literally had me crawling on my belly I cried out to the God of my understanding in pain and fear, as a result of which my alcoholism was taken from me on the 15th of Feb.,2008, I have not completely regained my health but after 30yrs as an alcoholic lets not expect to much.
The most important principle I have learned is to rid myself of attachments and in doing so understand the Buddhist principole of,'emptiness' which in itself may be interpreted as recognising that everything is but parts of the whole, including my own and everyone elses existence, I live exactly the life I should in the community but my whole perspective has changed, my life is ordered, balanced and disciplined most importantly it is full of compassion so I hope this will go some way to assist you in recovery. Mike W.
Attended By a Single Hound
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
Brilliant post 43395, wow. Colossal strength...especially as you'd done so well despite being an addict, to then be able to muster the courage and motivation to address your alcoholism -my respect, fella'.
I'm actually very much into the idea of not having 'attachments' to inanimate objects, 'things'. Got into it as a teen when I was sleeping rough on and off...hadn’t much choice then though , hadn’t any place to really put anything I couldn’t carry with me lol.
Even now though, I can fit all I own in two suitcases small enough to manoeuvre on the tube. I cant stand clutter etc. My friend visited my place for the first time after Christmas, walked in and said 'well, its...it’s very you', I asked her what she meant, frowning, and she said 'Its very, sort of, minimalistic?' lol. Bless her.
A lot of people assume I'm a Buddhist –vegetarian, eat mostly vegan stuff, have no electrical or entertainment equipment beyond a phone and my laptop (which I need for work anyhow) and all keep all my ‘stuff’ in two suitcases, don’t believe in revenge, love yoga / meditation etc
You happen to have any book recommendations for introductions into Buddhist philosophy / philosophies? I've tried to read about it before, but been quite overwhelmed. All I know is through an obsession I had with the Beats as a teen, heh. I'd love to find out more.
Apparently I'm not as economical with words though, :P
I'm actually very much into the idea of not having 'attachments' to inanimate objects, 'things'. Got into it as a teen when I was sleeping rough on and off...hadn’t much choice then though , hadn’t any place to really put anything I couldn’t carry with me lol.
Even now though, I can fit all I own in two suitcases small enough to manoeuvre on the tube. I cant stand clutter etc. My friend visited my place for the first time after Christmas, walked in and said 'well, its...it’s very you', I asked her what she meant, frowning, and she said 'Its very, sort of, minimalistic?' lol. Bless her.
A lot of people assume I'm a Buddhist –vegetarian, eat mostly vegan stuff, have no electrical or entertainment equipment beyond a phone and my laptop (which I need for work anyhow) and all keep all my ‘stuff’ in two suitcases, don’t believe in revenge, love yoga / meditation etc
You happen to have any book recommendations for introductions into Buddhist philosophy / philosophies? I've tried to read about it before, but been quite overwhelmed. All I know is through an obsession I had with the Beats as a teen, heh. I'd love to find out more.
Apparently I'm not as economical with words though, :P
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