Threshold

I fell in love with a man. And I thought he had fallen in love with me. Anyway, he told me, "this isn't going to happen" said his feelings for me hadn't changed, just the situation had, and it was impossible for him to have the relationship we were headed for.

I accept that.

But you know what...He already KNEW he couldn't have that relationship, yet he "went there" with me, then made the decision to pull out, without really talking about it to me. He just sort of announced it.

I felt pretty low, about losing the relationship, and disrespected, and hurt by the fact that he went that far, when he said he KNEW he couldn't have the relationship, and yes...he knew I was falling for him..I'm stupidly honest that way.

Anyway, this man is a recovered addict, and now works with people in rehab. he knows I have my own addiction issues, we've talked about it.

The long and short of it is...after his grand announcement, and because of numerous other situations in my life, which involve people who say they love me, but then have all sorts of reasons and excuses why they don't act on it...I decided to kill myself.

And I found it ironic that my planned overdose using pills and liquor was triggered by a relationship with someone who'd conquered their addiction to the same, and spent their life helping others do so as well.

anyway...instead of taking the big sleep, I checked myself into the hospital where much mayhem ensued. And then there was the day program. And then...I had to return to a work situation where I have to see this man daily.
And...well MY feelings haven't changed, I love him. He's a good man. He is many wonderful things, and many confusing puzzling things as well. He is human, and as I had told him, I loved him for that as much as for anything else. I didn't want or expect a hero, or a "perfect" person.

So...I knew I had to do something, to really address what is going on with me. That it isn't and never really was about him. Yes, I love him, but he didn't make me behave or react that way...that is MY issue. And MY recovery is the same. My issue.

So, he has no clue why I was in the hospital, out of work, or why I can no longer eat foods I once loved, etc. I did tell him I was in recovery, after several weeks back at work.

I am in recovery, because I needed to take control of my life...no, that's not right, because I realized my life was out of control. I can't really manage it, I won't lie. And I still have an addition I am holding onto the way a drowning person holds onto a life saving ring.

I turned to the good old internet for support. Because other than him, none of my friends have been through this, and he just doesn't want to talk to me.

So, here I am, I found this place through google, I am still heartbroke, but over lots of things, as I examine my life, deconstruct it, get honest about things. I see I cant' be in that relationship either. I'm too messed up.

Wish I could say I was clean, wish I could say I was sober. I haven't given up hope. I guess, in the end, what happened with that man, was just one more way he is helping someone "get clean"...even though he will never know it, and never know how close I came to ending it.

So...truly at this point I don't know whether to thank him or curse him.

But I do love him.

123bubblegum123

Oh hunny,

if only they had some sort of redemtion center where bitter/angry/confused/disheartened/sad women could come and trade the tears they've cried over men in for money, wouldn't we all be rich?! (i know i would!) I must say, reading your story was very touching. You are clearly a heartfelt, compasionatte, and sensitive person - and that's all fine. But, you really need to fall in love with someone who is going to understand that and respect that. To give this man, who is now in your past, so much power that you let him lead you to consider suicide is so unhealthy and sad, you are much to good for suicide!

I have been struggling with addiction since I was 12 years old, and it would be really stupid of me to blame my addiction on heartache, however, how else do us addicts deal with pain, hm? any time someone makes us angry, we use - even if we know that dose/using may kill us. your suicide attempt was a revenge plot, and a really sad one at that because it was only destructive to you!

i say thank that man because now you can learn better coping skills. you clearly were not ready to handle love and heartache because honestly, when you love someone that much, you are going to hurt for them and over them, and you are going to hurt often. maybe i'm just overly passionate, but when i love someone i get sad when they get sad, i get mad when they get mad, etc.. because i don't want them unhappy but instead of just moping with them, I take it upon myself to be the girl who makes them smile and shows them the positivity in life - which from the looks of it is something you need! =]

Also, men are (dare I say it) more emotionally incapable than us gals. They (usually) won't pick up on subtle hints or cues, they will not know what you are referring to when you sigh or roll your eyes, and all this miscommunicating will most certainly lead you to some situations where (if both of you are in love or care about each other) you'll feel hurt and confused. Instead of plotting to use or do something destructive over this confusion, try immediately talking it out with your man. As emotionally capable girls are supposed to be, I know I struggle with actually addressing and explaining how I'm feeling about something - especially with men I'm interested in because I am afraid of coming of rude or overly sensitive. How to remedy this? I try to date men who are very emotionally verbal and have enough patience to tickle how I feel out of me.

I think the best thing for you to do, as far as healing, is get yourself some close girlfriends. My girls are (usually) always there for me when I'm struggling with someone, especially if it's man-related! Also, my girls provide enough drama and debacles that I'm constantly helping them - which takes the focus off of me and my often silly problems and allows me to help someone else.

Please feel free to stay in touch with me, and vent to me any time. I know how nice it is to have someone to talk to, and I honestly love helping other people =]

Hugs and stay safe!
Rach

Sweets79

Hi,

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I, myself, have had my heart broken and I always turned to drinking to cope. I really don't think I am strong enough emotionally to get involved with anyone, I haven't been for a long time. I was just kidding myself and always tried to be prepared for the worst, but I never was. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I fall in love fast...not with everyone, I am very picky about it, but when I fall, I fall hard. As much as I don't like being alone, I don't want to choose another person that is going to be bad for me. Right now, I'm trying to concentrate on staying sober and avoid any potential triggers, which in my case alot of times, were the men I picked. I can imagine it being really tough for you also, because you have to see him at work. If it is upsetting you that much, maybe it's not a bad idea to look for another job. I know myself, and I wouldn't be able to see him every day, but that's just me. The only thing I could suggest to you, is to try and work on yourself, and distance yourself from this guy as much as you possibly can. I know that's easier said than done. I always want things written in stone, to make sure I don't get hurt, but with relationships THAT'S impossible, it's always a gamble. You never know when the person can have a change of heart or whatever the situation may be. That's something that definitely scares me, especially after investing so much time and emotions in the person/relationship. Keep posting on here, you will receive really good advice and get lots of support. My thoughts are with you.

Threshold

Thanks, both of you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. This is a very difficult situation for me, and because he will NOT discuss it with my, my mind has a very hard time letting it go, I keep trying to figure out what happened.

I keep hoping that if I could really understand what is going on, I could move past it. That might just be wishful thinking.

I do know that if I don't get this other addiction under control...it will kill me, and frankly, that doesn't seem so bad right now. It's a slower form of suicide.

So, there are some really serious issues going on for me, that I need to address. I can't allow the hurt of losing the relationship with him, or the continued sense of rejection and confusion keep me from doing what I need to do. I am actually going to try "aversion" therapy, starting tomorrow at work. When I begin to think of him I will chew on a pen that has been dipped in bitter chemicals. I will do it each and every time, until I associate thoughts of him with something yucky.

If it works for thumb sucking and nail biting, I figure it can work for this.

I felt pretty stupid, that I would kill myself over a man, but realized it is way more complex than that...sure he was the "flush" that caused the toilet to back up and the septic tank to spill...but it was really the thousands of flushes before, the last flush is just a trigger.

Likewise, our breakup was a trigger, and all sorts of old crap came burping up, overwhelming me. Making me see how out of control I am, and how I need to make serious changes NOW.

I've only fell in love four times in my life. And the last time was 25 years ago. I don't fall easily, so this was a huge event for me, truly life altering.

Now I am on a very different journey than the one i was on three months ago, and yeah, part of me is afraid this will turn out the same way. I will give my all to it, really work the program, be very serious and determined about it...and then have it turn on me, leaving me with nothing. That is my fear, and why I hang on to my last (I hope) addiction. So I won't be left with nothing when this effort fails.

as bad as this feels, I am afraid it can, and may get worse.

Oh, and finding another job...I"m on it. Our plant is being shut down soon and i will be laid off. Just one more lovely detail of my life these days.

Sweets79

In my opinion the worst thing anyone can do is not give someone an explanation and just stop talking to them. It's very immature and extremely narcissistic. I think that's the part in my past 2 experiences that drove me up the wall. They just stopped talking. I got no good, solid reason as to what happened and why. I would sit with a bottle of Vodka or Whiskey and try so hard to "figure out" what the hell happened. Nothing made sense to me, and I always wound up blaming myself. Although, the logical part of me did realize these individuals did/do have some emotional issues, I would still tend to blame myself. Everything seemed fine so that would baffle me more. I can't tell you how many times I wracked my brain out, asking myself "Why"? in a day. I believe if he did give you some reason and would just talk to you and take the time to explain it, you would heal faster. I'm not saying by any means you will feel fine about things, but when someone refuses to explain something and just abruptly stops, it is beyond frustrating. It can also make the feeling of rejection worse and cause self-esteem to plummet. (Especially if it wasn't that high in the first place). It's a feeling that I've had before and there are no words to describe it, so I understand what you're feeling completely. I think that was one of the feelings I couldn't bare (aside from the horrible feeling of being heartbroken), but that added to it. Again, this makes me realize that I really have to reevaluate who I let come in and stay in my life. I do also know what you're saying about the "last trigger" thing. It's terrible when you believe you've found the right one for you, and you're learning to forget about the past experiences, only to be disappointed again. Hang in there. I have a little over a month sober and it's extremely hard, but something keeps me from going to the liquor store. Like I said, posting on here helps immensely, so just keep reading and posting, it saved me from picking up a drink the day I joined. If you need to talk more, feel free to PM me.