All
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 7
All
You have heard it all and seen it all and done it all. There is nothing I can tell you about me that you have not already known. It is all old and all new. The recovery is also all old news and all new news because I am doing it again. I don't even really need to introduce myself because you know all about me. I am just an addict.
I lie.
I steal.
I use.
I am also a mother and "functioning" adult. I use the word functioning very loosely because that is obviously my own opinion. I don't care to ask anyone else for their opinion on the matter.
I will use anything I can get and I am recovering from another wonderful surgery to try and save a leg that refuses to be saved. It is a leg after my own soul. It also refuses to be saved sometimes. My doctor thinks I am great. I work at the hospital where I am treated. I am fantastic at my job. They love me there and they take me so seriously. If I say I am in pain then they believe me. I am so good at this game. My x-rays are such a mess no-one believes that I can still walk. I can use that to my favour. I have not actually been in pain apart from a few days after surgeries for about 4 years. They think I am in agony and such a trooper for carrying on. I know that I have not been in real pain because I got clean after the last big surgery on the 19th June 2007. I stayed clean until the 3rd March 2009.
Now I am just another addict. I just want freedom again. I just want to be clean. My MST (Morphine slow release) finished 4 days ago and the codiene finished 2 days ago. My husband is getting my prescription for the sleeping pills filled today and I will sleep until Friday or Saturday. Then I know I will itch, cry, my skin will crawl, I will puke, cry again, shiver, burn, sweat, soak in the bath until there is no water left and my skin is wrinkled. I will scream into my pillow and I will do this all in silence because my children are watching me and they do not know. My husband will help me and he will try to talk me down from the proverbial roof. I will also do all this unable to walk. Sitting in the same chair I have been sitting in since the 9th March when I came out of hospital. Looking at the same corner of my life that I have been looking at. I cannot escape the cobwebs in the corner any longer. My mother will keep coming to help me every day and I will keep on pretending I have the flu. Can you tell I have done this before?
I am such an idiot for not thinking that I would have to go through this again when I took the same pills again. I really didnt though. It did not occur to me.
The same as it did not occur to me that I would be here now. The car accident was bad, terrible in fact but it was nothing compared to now. I just feel like I need some space to breathe. I just need to feel snuggly for one minute... or ten minutes... just some space feeling snuggly and warm and comfortable.
You all know me. Most of you are me and you know that I am ALL of you.
I lie.
I steal.
I use.
I am also a mother and "functioning" adult. I use the word functioning very loosely because that is obviously my own opinion. I don't care to ask anyone else for their opinion on the matter.
I will use anything I can get and I am recovering from another wonderful surgery to try and save a leg that refuses to be saved. It is a leg after my own soul. It also refuses to be saved sometimes. My doctor thinks I am great. I work at the hospital where I am treated. I am fantastic at my job. They love me there and they take me so seriously. If I say I am in pain then they believe me. I am so good at this game. My x-rays are such a mess no-one believes that I can still walk. I can use that to my favour. I have not actually been in pain apart from a few days after surgeries for about 4 years. They think I am in agony and such a trooper for carrying on. I know that I have not been in real pain because I got clean after the last big surgery on the 19th June 2007. I stayed clean until the 3rd March 2009.
Now I am just another addict. I just want freedom again. I just want to be clean. My MST (Morphine slow release) finished 4 days ago and the codiene finished 2 days ago. My husband is getting my prescription for the sleeping pills filled today and I will sleep until Friday or Saturday. Then I know I will itch, cry, my skin will crawl, I will puke, cry again, shiver, burn, sweat, soak in the bath until there is no water left and my skin is wrinkled. I will scream into my pillow and I will do this all in silence because my children are watching me and they do not know. My husband will help me and he will try to talk me down from the proverbial roof. I will also do all this unable to walk. Sitting in the same chair I have been sitting in since the 9th March when I came out of hospital. Looking at the same corner of my life that I have been looking at. I cannot escape the cobwebs in the corner any longer. My mother will keep coming to help me every day and I will keep on pretending I have the flu. Can you tell I have done this before?
I am such an idiot for not thinking that I would have to go through this again when I took the same pills again. I really didnt though. It did not occur to me.
The same as it did not occur to me that I would be here now. The car accident was bad, terrible in fact but it was nothing compared to now. I just feel like I need some space to breathe. I just need to feel snuggly for one minute... or ten minutes... just some space feeling snuggly and warm and comfortable.
You all know me. Most of you are me and you know that I am ALL of you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
Thank you for sharing your story. I do not know anything but if I could make a suggestion it would be to see an addiction specialist who can help you properly taper off the medications and help you. Just my suggestion and perhaps you already are or have been, but you did not say in your post.
Anyways I am rooting for you and I hope that you find serenity, health and happiness.
Anyways I am rooting for you and I hope that you find serenity, health and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Lancaster,CA
Posts: 24
Yes,I do hear myself in your posting except that I have been clean and sober over 2 years and am committed to staying clean and sober. I had to enter a treatment center over 2 years ago-I lived their for 6 months and continued on with outpatient groups and AA meetings. I suggest you take a leap of faith to enter a treatment center right away. You are a highly intelligent person I can tell but disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. We can't differentiate the truth from the false while under the influence. I had to surrender to the facility and follow their directions. I'm ALIVE AND FREE today because I acted on a brief moment of clarity that urged me to accept an open bed there.
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