Reminded of How I Got Here
Dismember
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Reminded of How I Got Here
Just read over one of those stories of which we all know the plot. "I thought maybe I wasn't an alcoholic. Then I went on a week long bender where I woke up in a small hut in Tijuana..."
I never had that thought. Drinking was not something that I thought much about, nor did I have any willingness to accept that I was an alcoholic. I thought I was not an alcoholic so long as I could convince everyone: my girlfriend, my job, etc. If they didn't know what I did didn't matter.
It was the girlfriend who brought it out. She told me I had an alcohol problem. Evidently, my excuse that I was passed out at 5pm because I was "tired from work" just wasn't working anymore. She told me I had a problem; and I knew that I hadn't a lie left to save me. I was packing my things that evening.
Two weeks and a quickly-downed pint of rum later I was calling her, accusing her of kicking me to the curb without a second chance. I was still unable to point a finger at myself. That binge got me into trouble. I was already on probation and got caught with almost a fifth of hard liquor in my system.
That was last summer. Since then I've cleaned up my act, but things haven't entirely gotten agreeable. I was hospitalized for depression. Nearly twice. I have been having a terrible mess of a time with this economic situation and for months now the question of "how am I going to buy food?" has been ever present (and all this with a college degree even.)
Still, I cannot possibly deny that my good days being sober are fantastic. They are impossible to trade. I might be a mental and economic catastrophe still, but other things are growing. Spiritually I'm experiencing things I've never felt before. I have found a fantastic love in this little 6 lbs. ball of fur and enthusiasm (a.k.a. a kitten.) I had to lose a lot of drinking friends, but my family has become a central part of my life again. Artistically, I am on the top of my game.
Sober life is not perfect, but it has some funny perks I never would've expected during those first few weeks when I couldn't buy a rational thought. I still feel like life is taking me for a ride that I can't control, but I like this new road. It's a lot better than where I was last year.
I never had that thought. Drinking was not something that I thought much about, nor did I have any willingness to accept that I was an alcoholic. I thought I was not an alcoholic so long as I could convince everyone: my girlfriend, my job, etc. If they didn't know what I did didn't matter.
It was the girlfriend who brought it out. She told me I had an alcohol problem. Evidently, my excuse that I was passed out at 5pm because I was "tired from work" just wasn't working anymore. She told me I had a problem; and I knew that I hadn't a lie left to save me. I was packing my things that evening.
Two weeks and a quickly-downed pint of rum later I was calling her, accusing her of kicking me to the curb without a second chance. I was still unable to point a finger at myself. That binge got me into trouble. I was already on probation and got caught with almost a fifth of hard liquor in my system.
That was last summer. Since then I've cleaned up my act, but things haven't entirely gotten agreeable. I was hospitalized for depression. Nearly twice. I have been having a terrible mess of a time with this economic situation and for months now the question of "how am I going to buy food?" has been ever present (and all this with a college degree even.)
Still, I cannot possibly deny that my good days being sober are fantastic. They are impossible to trade. I might be a mental and economic catastrophe still, but other things are growing. Spiritually I'm experiencing things I've never felt before. I have found a fantastic love in this little 6 lbs. ball of fur and enthusiasm (a.k.a. a kitten.) I had to lose a lot of drinking friends, but my family has become a central part of my life again. Artistically, I am on the top of my game.
Sober life is not perfect, but it has some funny perks I never would've expected during those first few weeks when I couldn't buy a rational thought. I still feel like life is taking me for a ride that I can't control, but I like this new road. It's a lot better than where I was last year.
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