sknyfats

I came across SoberRecovery.com during some of my online research into understanding the dynamics of the relationship between myself and my addicted girlfriend. She & I began going out this past spring. During the summer - I realized - hey - this girl doesn't just "party" - she REALLY party's. She then admitted to me she had an addiction to oxycodone (her flavor is percocet). I shortly after jumped ship. But - as is often the case - I came back - gave us "another chance" - and have been on quite the rollercoaster ride since.

Up until recently - I used SoberRecovery as a place to learn - and to vent. I was also using it as ammunition to help give me the courage to "escape" this troubled relationship. Now - I can say that, in reading so many many posts, I've finally learned that, while the AGF may have her share of problems - that does not mean that "she" is the one that has caused my subsequent problems - or the problems I've had in so many troubled relationships in the past.

I hit my "rock bottom" this past New Year's Eve. My finances are a mess. I haven't been liking who I am or what I've been doing. My "routine" no longer exists. And all the while, I've been subconsiously stockpiling the blame with "her". That its because I'm with "her" that I've become this way.

Thanks to SoberRecover - and its members, I've finally - FINALLY - learned, that I am codependent. Such a silly word - that I would see time & time again by other "friends & family of substance abusers" in the forums. I was called it by one particularly enlightened ex-girlfriend for the first time a few years ago - but barely even gave her the opportunity to explain what it meant - and quickly forgot what she had told me. For some reason - someone on here, in a post concerning someone else that I could relate with - suggested getting a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I bought it; figured what could spending 10 more bucks hurt since I've been so fiscally irresponsible the last 6 months anyway.

I no longer believe codependency is some psycho babble catch all word. I, in only reading 54 pages of the book so far - have identified - CLEARLY & without a doubt - how so codependent I am - and have been in the past. It makes sense how ONE particular girl from my past, who was so nice & so sweet - who had her "stuff together" - I had to turn away - because I just didn't "feel a spark"; I often wondered why I didn't feel the spark with her. She was great. Attractive. We got along perfectly. Up until YESTERDAY, I honestly never knew why I felt I had to push her away - and couldn't be in a relationship with her: she was "untroubled". The codependent dynamic would've never "worked" with her, like it has in so many other relationships I've had - and like it is so massively now with my AGF. Ah-hah!

So - thanks to my first relationship with a drug addict - my codependency has reached levels never seen or heard before. And it's lead me to where I am today. I accept what is done. I realize - and am willing to learn how to correct my mistakes & outlook on life - and I'm looking forward to a life I live "for me" - both consciously & subconsciously.

I don't know if my AGF and I will stay together or stay apart or what. That's where "we" are at in this moment. In a gray area. I know this much - my being who I am right now - codependent - is actually helping her stay in her addiction; the exact opposite of what, in my heart - I've wanted for her. I've had varying degrees of involvement - from trying to fix her, to trying to "be supportive" to believing I was being "hands off" - and none of those things seemed to make a difference in my mind.

Now I know why. I have lots of work to do. As my one wise enlightened ex-girlfriend so wisely put it - I'm now focusing on breathing in, and focusing on breathing out - beginning to turn the focus of my life back onto me. A little bit at a time. I'm looking forward to finishing reading that book and making some changes in my life that will probably affect it going forward the rest of my days.

I'm thankful for SoberRecovery - its members - and their use of words such as codie, coda and codependent...without it & them - who knows where I may have ended.

I have hope - and more, now.