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Old 12-07-2008, 01:01 PM   #1 (permalink)

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I feel so alone, despite being in a relationship

I'm in a relationship with a guy who is also a recovering alcoholic. My family have always been distant from me, long before the drinking started so the only family member i stay in contact with is my brother, and that isn't great.
My fella however has a daughter and is best friends with his ex wife and is also close to his family. I haven't got any friends. I'm jealous of his ex, but try to keep this hidden. I just feel very lost in this world but feel I am doing my best. My boyfriend says he's madly in love with me but i just don't know what i think or feel any more. I feel numb. I wanted to connect with this site and see how others feel in relationships and in life in early recovery.
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Old 12-07-2008, 01:11 PM   #2 (permalink)

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my recovering alcoholic and i have been distant and disconnected since he became sober. i am having a hard time with this. since sobriety its all about work work, his kids and that his ex wife is doing well. i can relate to your words, the difference is i do have friends and family.

have you started attending AA or Alanon? you didnt state. i have been feeling alone for a long time but is your alone because he doesnt pay attention to you or because you deep down in your soul feel alone? you may have to explore those reasons. if you think a guy is gonna make you feel whole remember that doesnt truly work regardless if he is recovering, a non alcoholic or full blown. my ABF now ex told me i was the love of his life when he was drinking. i believed him. now in sobriety he is clueless to his feelings towards me. i pray every day, i try and keep busy, i contact friends, i attend alanon and now i am on this site doing what you are doing...trying to find insight to stop the pain.

good luck! i hope that you figure where the loneliness is deriving from....best to you!!!
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Old 12-08-2008, 04:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Rita sorry that you are going through this-

I agree with looking into AA and Al-Anon both...I grew up in an Alcoholic home and
was fortunate enough to not become an alcoholic myself. I dated a couple of A's and the last one I dated that actually ended up being my wake up call ....also had an ex wife! He lived with me for a short and we would have his son on the weekends-He would always talk to her and I would cringe! I felt alone, I felt that he would never be done with her! He told her everything about our relationship! I hated it! I use to say to him that he needed only to talk to her about their son! Nope that did not work....I told him to do this, that and the other thing! Nope did not work-Imagine that! I needed to start taking care of me and telling myself what I needed to do or not to do and one was not allowing myself to feel like less than nothing because I was not!

Today I have learned that through the pain there is comfort within ourselves when we believe and trust our instincts! Know that if you are feeling alone as stated above "explore the reasons" why. No one will make us whole but ourselves. It is a hard thing to process and I understand your pain.....but it is possible to get through this to a better place.

My x use to claim I was the love his life too and he could not live without me but the fact remains he could not live with me it was the chaos and drama he could not live without-I no longer need the drama in my life and will not allow it or anyone to make me feel lonely, sad, or miserable!

Please be gentle with yourself-and seek out AA and AL-Anon even for a meeting or two to check it out....IMHO you maybe surprised how much better you may feel!

Keeps us posted you are not alone in this
Dance as though no one is watching you
Love as though you have never been hurt before
Live as though heaven is on earth.

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Old 12-08-2008, 07:32 PM   #4 (permalink)

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AA helps for sure, i used to go to NA couple of years ago and i was clean for a long time, u get to see a lot of people with similar problems but with different points of view, that really called my attention and helped me a lot. Recently i ended a 6 years relationship and it has affected me big time, i'll go back to NA on wednesday. My family has always tried to be close to me, but for some reason I can't, today I live far away from home in another country.

One thing i will tell u is that never let the relationship be the centre of ur life, whatever u do make sure that it will make u happy and better. Look inside and find out what u want for your future, what u really want, and even if u feel down, u gotta stand up and keep fighting. Life is tough and we can't change that, but we still gotta go through it, even if it hurts.
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Old 12-08-2008, 09:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You're not alone Rita, you got SR people to help ya =)
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Old 12-10-2008, 09:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Your statement "I feel numb" is so brave of you to admit. I am sorry this is whats true for you right now, and I want you to know that confronting whats going inside you is such a wise choice! You deserve more.

Numbness for me happens when I have too long gone without relating to another human being about whats going on inside me. It so hard to find safe people who care sometimes. I really think if you have the ability, you should hit the pavement and find a therapist that can walk through this stuff with you, and just be there for you.

And your boyfriend..I wonder if he has a clue of whats going on with you? And if not, I guess I think that could be such a bad thing for you to be in. It sounds like you have learned how to conceal your true emotions from those you are in relationship with. I wonder if this is just habit for you, or if deep down you know it is not safe to show your true self to this person. I guess I feel you reaching out here is kinda a huge indicator that your intimacy issues are not because you do not want to be truly known and loved by another. I would think through if you really feel valued by your boyfriend for who you are, or if he values you for who he wants you to be.

Keep searching, your HP has good things for you! Much love to you.
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Old 12-10-2008, 09:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm new to this forum and I got my problems but I had to chime in here on the simple fact that regardless of what situation your boyfriend is in with his side of the family, your mate is supposed to be your best friend. It's not uncommon to have feelings of being lonely in a relationship once in awhile but if this is an ongoing issue maybe your not meant to be together. It's like an oximoron.. Relationship=lonely. Just my 2cents
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Old 12-14-2008, 12:44 PM   #8 (permalink)

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Thank you to everyone who has posted. I am a recovering alcoholic myself and trying to repair the emotional damage is really tough. It catches me without me realising at the time, or I feel powerless to my emotions. I realise that the time I have spent drinking has taken up the time for me to grow emotionally. So I still suddenly feel like a child when i feel confused. I'm not used to boyfriends or friends! I isolated for 7 years. My family have been of no support whatsoever and gave up on me before i started drinking. I find it tough that my boyfriend has a daughter and an ex wife he is best friends with. To be honest, i do feel jealous and compare myself to her. I really appreciate the response i have got and it has restored some faith in humankind. Rita xx
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Old 12-14-2008, 01:35 PM   #9 (permalink)

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rita123- good luck with your journey! i have walked that same path. except i am a non A. my xrabf is. he destroyed, isolated everything around him. he has a process to go through like you that i will not probably ever understand. take it day by day and remember ...easy does it! as for the ex and kids (which i know all too well also), as long as he shows you or makes you comfortable with it that is the key but if he doesnt give you any sense of security in his relations with the ex then you should have a discussion. i wish you the best of luck!!
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