Violent Rages?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 10
Violent Rages?
I was crying on my sofa debating whether or not to try an AA meeting tonight.
Last night I had a couple beers at a relatives and then proceeded to have a few more at my hubbie's friends place, then I proceeded to drink more at home by sneaking vodka into a glass while he was in the shower - he caught me - and this is the second time he's caught me sneaking booze. The first time, he was devastated that I would do this and made me promise that I would never hide this or lie to him again...I did and he was not very happy at all. He doesn't trust me anymore.
We were argueing before the sneaky vodka incident but after that hapenning,
I became extremely volatile and we argued most of the night until he went to bed to get away from me. Later, after finishing off my Vodka (I think), I woke him, talked his ear off (lecturing defensively), almost choked him (I really did; I was rubbing his back while squeezing his neck slightly), and finally took the blanket from him and opened the window so he could freeze...I hid the rest of blankets to ensure this.
Only the spawn of satan would do this right? Nope. I, in a drunk and mad mode,am capable of this terrible sequence of events. I'm a very docile person who hides her anger well, but if the circumstances are right, I think I could kill somebody. That is what brought me here - Knowing I could be dangerous.
I imagined what might happen if I ever gave into drunken violent urges and it left me feeling helpless, remorseful, and completely broken. I don't ever, EVER, want to hurt someone...especially someone I love so much.
How can alcohol change me like this? I can be monster when I drink. Evil. I feel so ashamed and can't believe these feelings and thoughts could even enter my mind.
Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? I know we all do stupid things, blackout, etc., but have any of you ever been potentially dangerous?
Anyways, last night really opened up my eyes and even now I'm fighting back tears. My hubbie called me from work to see how I'm doing. He actually called me, after all I put him through...
That's love, and I am so thankful and unworthy of his devotion. He's not perfect either and has his own demons, trust me, but I don't think he's put me through half of what I've done to him. And I have done some pretty mean, malicious, petty things. This year has been the worst...it's getting worse.
When I'm sober I'm fine. I have control. I get angry, but never to the extreme of violence, or at the least thoughts of it. I feel like booze has replaced my soul. It's definitely taken over my brain and body; I forget things, have trouble learning (concentrating), and my stomach is not functioning like it should. I'm wasting away.
I hope I can find some like-minded people here. Please don't judge me by my wrong doings; I wanted to be honest to you and myself...there's no point sugar-coating anything in here. Alcoholism is as ugly and ugly gets.
Last night I had a couple beers at a relatives and then proceeded to have a few more at my hubbie's friends place, then I proceeded to drink more at home by sneaking vodka into a glass while he was in the shower - he caught me - and this is the second time he's caught me sneaking booze. The first time, he was devastated that I would do this and made me promise that I would never hide this or lie to him again...I did and he was not very happy at all. He doesn't trust me anymore.
We were argueing before the sneaky vodka incident but after that hapenning,
I became extremely volatile and we argued most of the night until he went to bed to get away from me. Later, after finishing off my Vodka (I think), I woke him, talked his ear off (lecturing defensively), almost choked him (I really did; I was rubbing his back while squeezing his neck slightly), and finally took the blanket from him and opened the window so he could freeze...I hid the rest of blankets to ensure this.
Only the spawn of satan would do this right? Nope. I, in a drunk and mad mode,am capable of this terrible sequence of events. I'm a very docile person who hides her anger well, but if the circumstances are right, I think I could kill somebody. That is what brought me here - Knowing I could be dangerous.
I imagined what might happen if I ever gave into drunken violent urges and it left me feeling helpless, remorseful, and completely broken. I don't ever, EVER, want to hurt someone...especially someone I love so much.
How can alcohol change me like this? I can be monster when I drink. Evil. I feel so ashamed and can't believe these feelings and thoughts could even enter my mind.
Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? I know we all do stupid things, blackout, etc., but have any of you ever been potentially dangerous?
Anyways, last night really opened up my eyes and even now I'm fighting back tears. My hubbie called me from work to see how I'm doing. He actually called me, after all I put him through...
That's love, and I am so thankful and unworthy of his devotion. He's not perfect either and has his own demons, trust me, but I don't think he's put me through half of what I've done to him. And I have done some pretty mean, malicious, petty things. This year has been the worst...it's getting worse.
When I'm sober I'm fine. I have control. I get angry, but never to the extreme of violence, or at the least thoughts of it. I feel like booze has replaced my soul. It's definitely taken over my brain and body; I forget things, have trouble learning (concentrating), and my stomach is not functioning like it should. I'm wasting away.
I hope I can find some like-minded people here. Please don't judge me by my wrong doings; I wanted to be honest to you and myself...there's no point sugar-coating anything in here. Alcoholism is as ugly and ugly gets.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 469
Welcome to SR. I do not think I have violent rages, but I know that alcohol took my mind and soul, in different ways, just as bad. It is a horrible disease that sneaks up and takes you hostage. We have done what we have done when we were drunk/blacked out..etc. If you want to stop the insanity, I suggest going to AA..get a sponsor and work the steps...that would help immensely..and this forum...wonderful place full of caring people and alot of wisdom. Don't be too down on yourself, you are recognising the problem....now only you can decide if you want to do something about it...keep posting, let us know how you are doing..
P.S. You are so lucky to have a husband who seems to be standing with you thru this bad time.....that is a positive thing for you.
P.S. You are so lucky to have a husband who seems to be standing with you thru this bad time.....that is a positive thing for you.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Nope, no judging here. Welcome to SR!
That is this disease. Cunning, baffling, powerful.
I think we all (if we were out there long enough) show signs of evil in our drunken states.
Are you ready now? Because you know, now that you are aware of this within yourself, it is your responsibility to ensure that you control yourself. That means, the drinking has to stop. Are you willing?
Because you have already shown that you are open and honest. Now you just need to be willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober. I think AA is a great place to start. You are not alone and never have to feel that way again. Join us.
That is this disease. Cunning, baffling, powerful.
I think we all (if we were out there long enough) show signs of evil in our drunken states.
Are you ready now? Because you know, now that you are aware of this within yourself, it is your responsibility to ensure that you control yourself. That means, the drinking has to stop. Are you willing?
Because you have already shown that you are open and honest. Now you just need to be willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober. I think AA is a great place to start. You are not alone and never have to feel that way again. Join us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Hi BSE, I too can go into violent rages, although it usually consists of me breaking things instead of people. I get them when I am sober also but not as bad. I think just the act of drinking is a violent thing- we are literally poisoning ourselves, doing damage to ourselves, and it doesnt have to be that way. We dont need alcohol to live. Give AA a chance and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: dallas, tx
Posts: 82
Dear BSE,
Oh yeah...been there, done that. It's not pretty. I spent 5 days in jail for assault and battery for attacking my fiance in an "alcoholic rage". The charges were later dropped but they still show up on a background check. The most amazing thing is that you would never suspect I'd turn into such a Jeckyl/Hyde character......when sober I am the most laid back, timid person you could ever meet.
Oh yeah...been there, done that. It's not pretty. I spent 5 days in jail for assault and battery for attacking my fiance in an "alcoholic rage". The charges were later dropped but they still show up on a background check. The most amazing thing is that you would never suspect I'd turn into such a Jeckyl/Hyde character......when sober I am the most laid back, timid person you could ever meet.
Moment of Conception
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Planet Tragedy
Posts: 453
Hi bloodshot :-)
Im new here myself, and im sure no one will be judging you here, so you shouldnt worry about that.
I wouldnt worry too much about thinking you a bad person because of the night you desribed either, because its more than likely that its all down to frustration. Its bad enough in the head that one has a drink problem while they are sober, it can be enourmously worse when thay are not. Mental barriers that we try to keep in check while sober begin to stifle our personality and frustrate it. So perhaps when we come to an outburst, its possible its no more than a release valve. The time and place i think doesnt really matter, its just unfortunate for those on the recieving end... taking a plus from a situation like that... at least its out, and better out than in aye?
Welcome and good luck staying sober :-)
Im new here myself, and im sure no one will be judging you here, so you shouldnt worry about that.
I wouldnt worry too much about thinking you a bad person because of the night you desribed either, because its more than likely that its all down to frustration. Its bad enough in the head that one has a drink problem while they are sober, it can be enourmously worse when thay are not. Mental barriers that we try to keep in check while sober begin to stifle our personality and frustrate it. So perhaps when we come to an outburst, its possible its no more than a release valve. The time and place i think doesnt really matter, its just unfortunate for those on the recieving end... taking a plus from a situation like that... at least its out, and better out than in aye?
Welcome and good luck staying sober :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 10
Hey! Thank you all for your replies. It greatly encouraged me. It's day three for me and I've spent the day making borsch and baking muffins. I found out that my aunt tried to commit suicide today and spent half the day in the hospital with her. I didn't even think of a drink. My hubb asked me yesterday and today if I wanted to go for a beer or "get a bottle" and I said no, so that's a start. Personally, I think he is testing me to see if I'm actually serious about quitting--I've announced it many times before.
Anyways,I'm happy to know that I won't be waking up with a hangover tomorrow!
Thanks guys, and strength be with us.
P.S. My aunt is already released and doing much better
Anyways,I'm happy to know that I won't be waking up with a hangover tomorrow!
Thanks guys, and strength be with us.
P.S. My aunt is already released and doing much better
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Oh, do I relate. I come from a long line of violent drunks, and that meanness gene didn't skip me. The first thing I had to do was put the drink down, then deal with me. I found that the propensity towards violence lies dormant, even when I'm not drinking. It wasn't a case of demonic possession brought on by alcohol. I was truly angry, but like you, if I wasn't drinking, I could usually keep it in check. I had to get sober and deal with the anger.
Doesn't mean I could go back to drinking and not try to kill anyone. No, I'm alcoholic, and for me, to drink is to die--me or someone else. Maybe not right away, but it was enough like playing Russian Roulette that I never found it desirable to try to go back to it.
That AA meeting is an excellent idea. Be sure to ask for phone numbers and call the women who offer them.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Doesn't mean I could go back to drinking and not try to kill anyone. No, I'm alcoholic, and for me, to drink is to die--me or someone else. Maybe not right away, but it was enough like playing Russian Roulette that I never found it desirable to try to go back to it.
That AA meeting is an excellent idea. Be sure to ask for phone numbers and call the women who offer them.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I was a real Dr Jekly and Mr Hyde
I would turn from a shy sober guy into a violent mean nasty drunk most of the times when I was younger.Drinking booze changed my personality and my behavior became un predictable.I took the 12 steps and found a lot of hidden anger and frustration.The steps helped me and I have had to violent outbursts in years
I would turn from a shy sober guy into a violent mean nasty drunk most of the times when I was younger.Drinking booze changed my personality and my behavior became un predictable.I took the 12 steps and found a lot of hidden anger and frustration.The steps helped me and I have had to violent outbursts in years
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 164
Hi BSE...Welcome!
I too became very violent when I drank too much, which was quite often. I would start off the life of the party, everybody's best friend but as the night would go on, I would become increasingly agitated and confrontational, usual directed toward my husband. I remember knock down drag out fights in the parking lot outside of our house, and very violent pushing, shoving matches when I wanted to go back to the bar and drink more and he would try to stop me. This pattern repeated itself for years...if anyone tried to tell me to calm down, or stop drinking when I wanted to continue....look out...I was out of control!
Thank God & AA that I no longer have to be that person. And I thank God that my husband, who was ready to walk out the door two years ago is still here and my number one supporter. He is not alcoholic but stopped drinking two years ago in order to save our marriage and support me in my recovery.
All I can say to you is that you are not alone and AA and support groups such as these saved my life!
I wish you sobriety, peace & happiness!! Keep coming back!!!
Love,
Lisa
I too became very violent when I drank too much, which was quite often. I would start off the life of the party, everybody's best friend but as the night would go on, I would become increasingly agitated and confrontational, usual directed toward my husband. I remember knock down drag out fights in the parking lot outside of our house, and very violent pushing, shoving matches when I wanted to go back to the bar and drink more and he would try to stop me. This pattern repeated itself for years...if anyone tried to tell me to calm down, or stop drinking when I wanted to continue....look out...I was out of control!
Thank God & AA that I no longer have to be that person. And I thank God that my husband, who was ready to walk out the door two years ago is still here and my number one supporter. He is not alcoholic but stopped drinking two years ago in order to save our marriage and support me in my recovery.
All I can say to you is that you are not alone and AA and support groups such as these saved my life!
I wish you sobriety, peace & happiness!! Keep coming back!!!
Love,
Lisa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 10
I'm so thankful for all the posts here. I know I have an anger issue now--big time. It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one. Gawd, I hope you all can manage it. It's bloody hard. I destoyed so many things in my place the past month. I have dreams my hubb is leaving me. I just feel so much better when I break something.
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